10-Month-old Screams All the Time; Always Unhappy

It's a learned thing where he knows you will pick him up if he sees you and screams. Go to him and talk, hug, etc. but don't pick him up every time or pick him up when he's NOT screaming for you. You are creating a habit/pattern and he is controlling the situation when he sees you. He needs to learn that he's fine with others when you are in the room too and so just be firm and play, hug, etc. but don't pick up until he's NOT crying or screaming. He'll stop very soon.

He reacts like that when you walk into a room because when you walk in, his sun, moon and stars all are coming out at once. The center of his universe is there and he wants her NOW. This is very, very typical for this age, as is the desire for you to carry him around and be in physical contact with him every minute you're in his vision. Why would you label him miserable when the fact is he's both thrilled to see you and terrified you'll leave?

The fact he can be with others and not cry the whole time (until he sees you and screams) is very good. He IS able to be places without you, for a time. Don't expect more than he is developmentally able to handle just now; realize that this is a phase and NOT a negative one; it is normal for children to have this powerful desire to be with one person (usually the main caregiver, in this case, mom) at this stage.

Not going to him at night telegraphs to him the message that the person he is depending on, above all others, to be there for him is not there at night. Remember this: At his age, when you leave a room -- or don't come when he expects you to come -- he truly thinks you no longer exist. He doesn't yet quite have the ability to understand that people still exist when they're out of sight; when you leave you drop off the face of the Earth (hence the intense reaction when you reappear). When you don't come at night, he figures you are never coming at all because you are gone for good. Try to think like he does, not like an adult does.

Go to him. Some parents are going to post that you should let him cry it out. I don't go for that. He's not old enough for a while yet to understand the "lesson" of "You have to comfort yourself, I'm right here but next door." You already know from experience that if you don't go to him, it gets worse. Why let him work himself into a frenzy? Go to him, resettle him, and over time gradually let the time you spend going back to him be less and less. Don't talk to him or engage him during the night, just let him see you are there. He will outgrow this but I believe that not reassuring him at this stage makes a child more insecure, not more secure.

During the day, yes, you can reward the non-screaming times but don't punish the loud reactions. Again, he is in a phase where the universe revolves around you. Give him lots of opportunities for exploration; engage and distract him with good activities and interactive ones where you play with him a lot (kids learn by being talked with, played with, interacted with), and if he's not ready for day care do not send him.

Please don't put a label on him, even just in your own mind, as a "miserable person." He's not making trouble for you with the screaming; he's not being "good" for everyone else and miserable for you on purpose to hurt or challenge you. He is reacting strongly to you because he wants you so badly when you are there, and when you are not there, he settles until he sees you and then he is desperate to have you right there attached to him. If you look on it as his being miserable or naughty, he will pick up on the feeling that you are unhappy with him.

Spend as much time as you can actively interacting with him. Carry him while you can and while he still wants it. If you need to fold clothes, give him a piece of clothing to play with right next to you and talk to him while you do it. Same for any other chore--involve him and do it next to him. He will slow you down, yes, but it wont' be too long before you'll wish he would want to be with you. He will learn and he will also grow more confident because he knows you are there for him. And eventually he will not need you so much. That's more difficult for a parent than you realize just now. But he's not an "unhappy person" -- just someone in a particular stage of his development.

Here's something to try: Whenever he starts screaming, start talking to him. Use your most cheerful voice. Smile. Laugh.

"Oh my GOODNESS! You are loud! Do you need something? You have SUCH a big voice!"

Then, when he stops mid-scream to look at you in puzzlement...go to him. Continue with the cheerful speech and see if you can get him to respond in a cheerful way.

Try to reward his cheerful responses with your attention. You may be able to change his screaming habit.

My son went through a stage when he was good as gold all day long at day care and then as soon as I got home with him I'd have the melt downs and crankiness.
Supposedly it's a strain being good all day and with me he could let his hair down and just be himself because he trusts me and loves me.
Oh joy.
It's a form of separation anxiety and it's a compliment in a way.
Isn't it amazing how baby/toddler minds work?
They do grow out of it but it can really try your patience while you are going through it.

My DD went through a phase where even her own grandmother (my mom) couldn't keep her in the church nursery. I would say it's a phase. Many kids go through it (and many fathers and grandmothers need to understand that they aren't hated, but baby just wants momma right now).

If he cries at night, could it be something like reflux? Teething?

My DD is fine now and didn't even look back at later Easters with her Nana. Just hang in there. You know he's fine when he's with others without you so just trust that he'll be OK without you (sitter, grandma, etc.) and try not to let this transition get to you.

I think it's just a phase.. my son liked to be held ALL the time and truly I didn't mind.. it all passes so quickly.. I don't think the term unhappy or a miserable person are perhaps the right words.... they have such negative connotations... Quite possibly he might have some other issues going on that because he is too young to voice, he simply cries.. (what else can he do, write you a letter.. ) maybe, his little body gets too anxious and he doesn't know how to deal with all the stress he is feeling... so he cries... maybe he is gassy.... could be he is just the type of person who likes to be held.. nothing wrong with that..He wants to be held now... in no time, he will be walking and won't want to sit still.. enjoy it now.... he's just being a baby.... babies are great.. crying or not.. They mean no harm, they don't have an ulterior motive to make adult lives miserable, they aren't vindictive.... there is no plot.. they have simple needs.. food, love, sleep, affection.. and some simply require more of it... try and go with the flow... right now, it's his world........... and you are just in it... you are over personalizing something (based on your words and the idea that he is no problem for everyone else but you) that needn't be personalized. he's a baby.. keep that in mind.. really, it won't be long until he is a toddler and won't want to be held.. Enjoy it now.. it all passes so quickly.........

I think separation anxiety at this age/stage. I have a daughter that's 10-1/2 months old, and sometimes she plays and other times she's constantly coming to me and holding onto my leg to pick her up. The end of the workday and getting ready for dinner is always a tricky time for little ones. I have 2 sons as well, and they always act up a bit when we're home from daycare and I'm stressing trying to get dinner together. They're tired from a long day (even though they really enjoy it), but they're also wound up and ready to have fun with me while I feel I don't have the luxury of time when there's so much to do at home.

It doesn't sound like your son is unhappy or miserable. I think he just misses you. Once you walk in the door, just give yourself a break to spend at least 20mins playing with him and let everything else go. Be sure to get down on the floor with him and play with toys to encourage some independent play when you have to get up. If/when you really need to get stuff done and he still wants only to be picked up, then try giving him a snack in the high chair and fold clothes or start dinner nearby so you can have your hands free. If my daugther isn't interested in toys, I can always distract and occupy her with tupperware and plastic cups.

I'm not really sure what's going on at night and waking up several times. Can you leave a bunch of pacis in the crib for him to grab and self-soothe?

Best of luck.

Aaaaw, it's just a phase, don't worry! It's only just now occuring to him that you and he are separate people.

I know it's very stressful for you, I hope it's a blessedly SHORT phase!

:)

I have to say if misery loves company, then Misery is elated right about now! My 8 month old is doing the SAME thing. She will be perfectly content with whoever is in the room with her until I walk in. It IS exhausting, but I try to keep in mind that she will soon be mobile and won't want to slow down long enough for me to cuddle her! She also wants to "stand" all day long, so my arms and shoulders are getting quite the work out! LOL

She also wakes and has a blood-curdling scream during the night. Usually her Binky will calm her down. I try not to give her a bottle, I don' t want that to be a habit, but when we are REALLY tired I have to admit that hubby and I have broken down and done it. She also cannot calm down on her own yet. If she is just "babbling" we let it go and sometimes she talks herself to sleep, but it can also turn into a cry that won't stop. Then we pick her up to comfort her.

I think that Leigh had a lot of good points. I still try to look at it as she is still "new" to the world and try to imagine myself in a strange country or situation. I would want a friend there to comfort me, and at this time, I am my baby's best friend :)

I know that I didn't have any real advice or helpful tips to give, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone!

I haven't really experienced this much. Most kids do prefer mom to hold them and mine would make their preference known but they didn't just scream...except once when I left for the grocery store. My daughter screamed from the moment I pulled out of the driveway until I walked back in and I held her. Then once calmed down, I was able to set her in her high chair as long as she was able to watch me while I prepared things in the kitchen. She just wanted to see me. In your case, I don't know if that would help.

Maybe like the other poster said, reward the "non-screaming". Good Luck.

He's a mommy boy! He wants u all the time. Try n explain while he's calm tell him mommy needs u to play here by me while I fold clothes n I need u not to get scared or upset and scream. Do the same to do dishes let him play in his high chair or something. Also just try to think of calmed sollutions give him baby massages to help relax him. Have his ears checked that he's not having ear infections or teething issues. If he's healthy try relaxation techniques to help him relax. Unfortunately he feels ur not giving him all the attention so u have to smother him in attention but big but little by little decrease it. But do it in a calm slow rate fast and up rut n u have screaming yelling.