16 Year Old Moving in to Our House.

So, the other two children get to stay and the 16 yr old has to leave? Does the 16 yr old want to leave or are they forcing her out?
To me, there's a lot of questions:
Who's paying for her meals? Will she go to the same school? Who makes the rules for her regarding time home, boyfriends, driving etc?
In other words, I'd not only have ground rules for the girl, but I'd have them with the parents too!

First and formost Good Luck!
Everyone who has commeted has some good points.
But most of all have her talk with a therapist too cause at this age she needs someone she can vent to

S.,

I had this happen with my son's friend. I told the father (no mom on scene) I would allow it for 2 weeks, and I expected them to be figuring out how they were going to come to a solution. Putting limits and expectations sets a tone. You should ask for very frank and specific reasons why they "need space." Is there any possibility that their daughter is engaging in any unacceptable behavior; smoking, drinking, worse...? What are the daughter's reasons for wanting to be out of the house? Are either of their issues anything that 'having some space and time apart' will solve? I think someone else also suggested that you only agree to this arrangement on the condition that they agree to family counseling, and if that stops, your arrangement stops. Don't think of it as punishment to the daughter to have her focused on going back home, but if there are issues with the "new" daughters, the more time that goes by with them in "her" house will only increase the amount of anxiety and stress for her when she moves back in. Families blend, lives change, and even if the daughters don't all get along, they have to find some sort of common ground. New wife and old dad should be working the hardest to make sure this happens, but we know that doesn't always happen that way. Perhaps you could participate in counseling just enough (maybe the first time) to let them all know that you are supportive, but there are conditions; he will pay you, and there is an end date, and to ask the counselor if there is anything else that should be put into the equation. I also think it should be dad and daughter at first, blending the rest in later.

**Also, just an observation, but the dad couldn't pick up the phone and speak with you for such an important question? He TEXTED you? (Who is the one behaving like a teenager here?) Good luck.

S.,

Putting himself, his new wife and her children before his own child, sends a strong message to this girl. Is her mother deceased or did she also abandon her children?

You and your husband are taking on a huge responsibility, when you say this is “temporary”, what does this mean? The school year, a couple of weeks, a few months? I don’t think uprooting a child living here and there is the answer.

I would only agree to take here in, if they ALL agreed to family counseling right away.

I realize how difficult teens can be, but I don’t have much respect for her farther or his new wife.

Whatever you decide obtain written permission from the father and have it notarized spelling out what is agreed upon. I would expect some financial support and medical coverage. The note should also give you permission to seek medical and dental care while the girl is in your care.

Blessings…..

I find that clear written rules are the easiest to follow. Make some poster board rules and post them in a none public area like the laundry room and have just a few, like:

Curfew is at XXX and if you are late XXX are the consequences.
We expect you to clean your room every XXX and if you do not do this XXX are the consequences.

Homework, activities, manners, all kinds of things could go on the lists. But it should be simple and if you take time to communicate even if something comes up you had not thought of then talking about it and deciding on a consequence then may be more helpful.

She already has a step mom ordering her around and she is needing a patient, compassionate person to guide her to maturity and adulthood right now.

One thing that will come up is guardianship. Biological parents can revoke it at ANY TIME they so choose but if you have this girl and she needs to enroll in school, play a sport, gets hurt at school, etc...you will have to have legal authorization to act in her behalf.

S.,

Your kindness to this girl is a wonderful thing. Looking at and trying to work through all the logistical details is very important. I do want to speak to something equally (if not more) important. There is no question that this girl is deeply emotionally impacted by what is happening in her family - she would not be a human being if not. The chances are high that she feels abandoned, and that brings much pain with it. Most people, especially 16 year olds, do not know how to work through an emotional trauma like this. In addition to taking her in, the most loving thing you can do for her is seek trained people and quality resources to help her process through her hurt and pain. My heart is so sad that she is going through this.

God's Grace to you,

Lisa :)

Definitely set some ground rules to avoid future issues/misunderstandings. In addition to what you said, I'd set a CLEAR date on when the girl will go back home. Good luck!

That is very kind of you and I would do the same for one of my daughters friends but I would also tell the father that would have to pay for some of the food since your grocery bill will go up a little bit and that is only fair whats not fair is that her dad has the gaul to kick out his own 16 year old for 2 others doesnt sound like much of a father to me but then again its better than putting her on the streets or with someone she doesnt know. You will be rewarded for your kindness.; Good luck

I did not read all the responses, but the ones I did were right on.

Several thoughts:
1) If she stays - make it VERY SHORT TERM - 2 weeks max or something like that.
2) why so short? Because this is not a REAL SOLUTION. Dad, daughter and new family definitely need to go to family counseling together. Dad has no clue what a damaging irresponsible thing he has done to his daughter and is now acting like all the conflict is the daughter's fault. No way! It is not all her fault.
3) I agree with others. Get it all in writing and get it signed! Get the girl into counseling as fast as you can.
4) I also agree that Dad needs to pay for stuff - room and board at your house and counseling for his daughter. And he needs to go in for counseling - he was not thinking of his daughter's best interests when he rushed into things.
5) Why moving in with you will be difficult: She has just suffered a severe loss/rejection (her "exclusive" relationship with her Dad) and then been asked to "like" it. She is a bereaved person who is also going to go through culture shock as she moves from her own culture [home/family] to another - yours. Her head/mouth may agree to cooperate, but her emotions are probably damaged and this may make living anywhere with anybody difficult. Add to that the usual teenage angst and rebellion... get the drift?

I have just VERY RECENTLY gone through a somewhat similar experience (Some differences, but with enough similarities to qualify to be "similar") and it was a real eye-opener. Much as I wanted to help I found that I did not have the training, experience or temperament to help my friend long term. A shorter visit would have helped greatly, as would written rules and many other things... If you would like to talk some then respond to me and I will give you my phone number and we can talk.

Oh my, this father is making a HUGE mistake. He has no idea how this is effecting her. Wow, I am really worried about this. She will graduate soon and there is so much to work on just for her future. To throw in this mess, is going to be really hard for her to get the support she will need to feel confident about her own decisions.

If I were you, I would do my best to encourage him to reconsider this choice and instead go to family counseling. Daughter and dad need to start by going together, just the 2 of them.

They need to establish new ground rules. Daughter needs to be included in these decisions.

If he is not interested, by all means take her in, but establish a ending time, so that there is a goal.

Be ready for drama!!! My best friend basically moved in with my family one summer... She was there for a month... Went home for a day or two... Came back for a month... So on so forth. A majority of the time, we both absolutely loved it! Who wouldn't love living with their best friend? But there were definitely times when it was the exact opposite... We hated each other! So ya... Be ready for the drama, because there is sure to be some.

I am mortified that this girl's father sent you a TEXT to ask if his daughter could stay with you for a while. That is a conversation that should have happened in person. He obviously has trouble communicating face-to-face, which would explain why his own daughter had no idea that the relationship was so serious. Too bad that he couldn't wait until his daughter had finished school and hopefully gone to college before he got married and started his new family. This could permanently damage the relationship with his daughter. She might forever feel that he chose the new family over her. I know teens can be difficult, but she needs her father now more than ever and they should seek counseling immediately. If he can't or won't do that, she needs a permanent place to live in which she truly feels wanted and loved. Are there other family members who could take her in? She's incredibly lucky to have you there to help in the meantime.

You are a kind woman. I hope that this solution will make the situation better in the long run.

Couple thoughts:
Get power of attorney for medical and school stuff. Get the insurance card in case she gets sick or hurt.

Set rules and the consequences of breaking them before she moves in.

You and your hubby need to sit down and talk with the Dad about a time limit.

Praying for ya'll!

Some words of advice since I've been there 8 times. Set a time limit and stick to it (unless of course something racially changes that causes a need for changing this). You say you have rules, set this in writing. It may be a better idea to have the girl write them out as you go over them with her and have your daughter do it too, so the other one doesn't feel singled out. I've noticed when I did this it worked better than handing over a list of rules or just telling the rules. Tell her dad your rules to see if he agrees to them, but keep in mind he may agree simply because he feels pressed to have his daughter move in. I've had parents agree to all my rules and then they go directly against them. Also distinguish how much authority will he relinquished to you, how much he will visit and help. Is he going to contribute to the food bill or pay room and board or what? If you need money for her while she lives with you, you need to be up front with him about it. You'd be surprised how many parents don't want to give money even for food even though they say they will. Sixteen is a tricky age and two 16 year olds can come up with all kinds of things. If you're not fully comfortable with this, don't do it even if everybody doesn't like you for it because if you're uncomfortable you and everyone is starting off on the wrong foot and once that happens it's hard to get back to balance, besides they'll get over it. Tell her dad any of your concerns and ask if there is anything you need to know. Ask the daughter how she feels about the situation. She may feel or end up feeling like she was replaced by the other children. Are they planning to incorporate the families and how and when? Is her mother still involved in her life, if so how will this play out? Don't treat her like a guest, treat her like part of the family, and like any family, it's made up of individuals with different needs and personalities and situations. Much of the rest is playing it by ear. The thing is, the dad has to trust you and your ways. Respect goes a long way, but it has to be from everybody. Hope all goes well!

That poor girl. Where is her mamma? So, of course I'm thinking the worst. DId something happen to her mom and now dad is pushing her to the side to make room for his new family? Is he talking physical space or emotional space? Poor poor girl! She can come live with me! Ugggh, people get so blinded by romantic entanglements.
I think it is very nice of you to open your home to this girl. I have been in her situation and moved in with another family. I can tell you that I wish the rules were more clear and upfront. I wish they had been more blunt with me and treated me like one of thier own. The rules and expectations are differant in every household. The family I moved in with didn't really tell me anything directly. They had expectations of me, but never made them clear. When I didn't meet them they didn't tell me, they told my best friend - thier daughter. That put her in a bad position and made me feel unwanted. If it's been her and her dad and brothers alone, the rules are going to be VERY differant than in your house. If you expect her to make dinner 1 day a week, or put the dishes up every night, or cut the grass on saturday morning - make that very clear. Your kids know with a glance what you expect - she will need a lot more communication. And please - treat her like your own and don't use your daughter as a go-between. That's what this girl needs is to be treated like she belongs somewhere. Make her part of the family and give her duties so she will feel needed.

Get it in writing from the dad that she has his permission to live there, that you have medical and parental rights during her stay and that this is at his request. There are laws in some states that could mess you up if he decided to say he didn't agree and she is there without his permission. Get it in writing from her that she agrees to your rules - list them but also put 'and anymore you deem appropriate'. I think he is a lousy dad for getting married that fast and tossing out his own child - lousy! Good luck, she is lucky to have you!

So from what I can tell it seems almost as if the father is trying to replace his daughter with his new wifes children. That sounds a little harsh but it really does and I think that its affecting her even if she doesn't act like it. Does the father realize what he is doing to her? Its going to really hurt her in the long run......... As for her moving in, do you think that it could ruin the girls friendship?

There is no way in heck I would let a friend of any of my kids move in barring some kind of family emergency that required both parents to be out of town for a period of time. First, it will wreck any relationship that the two girls have - it sounds fun, and it will be for about a week, and then all hell will break lose. Second, there is no way that the daughter should believe that moving out when the going gets tough is an option. It simply isn't. Third, there is no way the the dad should believe that this is a viable option. It is child abandonment and technically reckless endangerment - you have not had a homestudy done by the county/state, nor has he done a background check on you.

My advice? Just say no. If he thinks that his daughter needs to find alternate living arrangements, he needs to contact the county, or a counselor, or another family member. Believe me, if you say yes, you will regret it for a very long time.

Good luck.