Advice About Spouses Daughter Moving In

M. M,

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

If you aren't married to your "partner"?? You can pick up and leave if you don't like what's happening.

Blood is thicker than water....he's putting his children first. If you don't like it? Leave.

If you want to make this relationship work?? FAMILY counseling. And that includes her...

have you tried walking in HER shoes? She's a teenager, so her hormones and emotions are all over the place, she's bouncing around between TWO homes and I'm sure that each house has different rules.

It's obvious you do NOT like her. I think it's because he puts HER ahead of you and you are jealous.

The dad needs to be a dad and not a friend. He needs to make rules and consequences for his children. If you are married, you have to be able to discipline her as well...within reason.

So the bottom line is this - if you are just living together? LEAVE. If you are married - ask yourself if you are better off with or without him...and if it's WITH? Then you need to pony up - get your family into counseling...set up rules and consequences....

if it's WITHOUT? Leave.

Good luck!

Time for couples counseling. Two obvious issues are him making this decision without including you and parenting differences. I urge the two of you to make a plan together and to agree upon a parenting plan that is working before she moves in. I suggest that all of you must be respectful of each other before you even consider having her move in. This will take counseling for all three of you individually and together.

Having her move in while the current dynamic is in place is not good for any of you, including his daughter.

Wow. I hope you are a troll. Poor kid.

See, here's the thing. This is a child whose brain hasn't stopped growing yet. Yours clearly has. She is still trying to figure out where she fits in the world, how to relate, how to succeed, and all the adults in her world have failed her. Her father has chosen a nasty selfish woman over her, a woman who goes on the internet and calls her horrible things, who oozes hatred toward her, who should be the adult in the relationship but clearly isn't. Her mother is completely overwhelmed and having to do things on her own since her father isn't there for the family. Her parents have failed in her upbringing and you are the last thing she needs. Kick them all out now - if your heart is too cold to accept his child, tell them to find somewhere else to live and spare them your hatred.

oh thank God I'm not the only one who wants to call troll.

Your attitude sucks. BAD. The spoiled brat here is YOU.

You married this guy, right? Knowing he had kids. He's a better dad than you are a M., in my opinion, he's putting his kids first. Why can't you understand that?

If you are NOT a troll and this is a real post? Please read TF/Plano, Veruca Salt, Wild Woman, heck, all of them, and adjust YOUR attitude. Love the advice, If you aren't married to him, leave if you don't like it.

He should not have to ASK to have his child with him. If this is YOUR home and not the home of "both of you" then certainly a discussion is needed.

I would suggest that you talk and agree to common family rules that will apply to ALL children.

This is your partner's daughter. You have two choices:
1. Accept her into your home and treat her kindly, as you would your own child. You don't have to allow her to be a spoiled brat, but you do need to help guide her into being a more respectful person

2. End your relationship with your partner. If you can't deal with his daughter, you should not be a part of his family.

Your attitude toward the situation is wrong. If you want to keep this man in your life, you need to learn how to live with his daughter being part of your life and family. If you can't do that, it's time to move on.

You don't like this child and she knows it. As long as you are unwilling to open your heart to her this will never work out. You and your partner or not working together to bring the family together. I'm going to suggest family counseling for everyone before you allow this girl into your household to hammer out the issues and make sure everyone knows the expectations.

Wow, I hope you are a troll because a real person would not spew so much hatred toward the child of someone she supposedly loves and is living with.

This entire situation is a cluster..k and nothing positive will come out of it as long as your attitude stays like it is now.

I feel for all of the children involved here.. Gees.. they didn't ask to be brought into the world and then they got you??? God bless the children and guide them.

Spoiled rude brats are created by their parents. It's not her fault. If your partner can't or won't set boundaries and consequences for his daughter, then you are going to have a lot of turmoil -- there is no way around that.

There is nothing you can do, unless you can get your spouse to learn some proper parenting, maybe take a class or counseling or something? Sorry, but unless that happens, you are going to have a lot of problems.

But don't blame the child. It's not her fault her parents have created a monster.

Is next school year in January or next fall? A lot of things can happen between now and then and she may change her mind. But I think you need to go to counseling starting now because you and your partner need to get on the same page in regard to raising children. In addition, it sounds like his daughter is out of control and needs some individual counseling as well. She may have a bad attitude, but it seems to be increased due to bad parenting from both her mother and from you and her father. Then the whole family needs counseling. An independent outside source can help you get through a lot of issues that arise now when your partner's daughter visits. And your sons deserve some input into counseling before she is brought into "the family". Good luck.

I'm confused, is he your spouse, or just a boyfriend (partner)? You refer to him both ways in your post, & it is a bit confusing.

I'm not sure what your house has to do with this either - putting a material object up against a long-term commitment involving other people (children on both sides) seems rather silly.

Certainly, he should have talked with you first. But even though he did not, it isn't too late to do that now. He can tell his daughter - "I need to discuss this with Susan. I made the offer, but I need to make sure that this decision is something she is OK with. And you should realize, that if you come to live with us, there will be rules and expectations to follow, and consequences if you don't."

Then, you & your partner need to decide whether she lives in your home together or not (don't think of it as just "your" home, that is divisive). And if it goes forward, what are the ground rules, what are the consequences, and what is her mother's (his ex) role in everything. There needs to be an expectation that she can't just go back to M.'s because she doesn't like having to play nice @ Dad's.

But keep in mind, you are in a long term relationship, whether you are married to this guy or not. You don't just get to "pick & choose" only the good parts, & discard the difficult ones. He has a daughter who, for better or worse, you don't get along with.

You should take some time to examine your own motivations about that. I'm not saying you have to be a pushover, but it sounds like there is a bit of control going on from your end in regards to limits for her, and what involvement he is allowed to have with her in his life.

T.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your relationship with your partner is doomed.

First, he is not communicating life altering changes (even if you ADORED his daughter, this would be a huge change) with you before making plans. That is a big red flag. It doesn't sound like, from your post, that you have communicated your feelings either.

You have made no secret, you dislike his daughter. Even if you have never uttered those words, the venom you are holding in, is going to seep out one way or another. And if you stand your ground and say no to her moving in,if he is any kind of man, will leave. His daughter should come first.

My advice would be to have a little perspective. First, this girl doesn't sound like she has much parental guidance, she is calling the shots. That isn't her fault, it's her parents. Rules and boundaries need to be set. Wild Woman's counseling suggestion may be a good idea too.

Think carefully about your choices. If you stay with your current attitude, it is going to be stressful. It's going to end badly and all the children involved will have their lives turned upside down. It's possible that this change could be positive for everyone. You could provide a home with stability and rules they help change her behaviors. It will not be easy, but it is possible.

You have some hard decisions to make. Think long and hard about what you are going to do.

M., this daughter will always be his daughter. She may be a pain, but she is his beloved child.

Children that do not have parents that can stay together to raise a family together? Yes, there can be a lot of drama, because children crave and need stability. When children do not have this, they can feel very insecure and helpless. They act out because they do not feel secure.

I know this because I am a child of divorce. Dad and his daughter need to go to counseling. Dad needs to learn to be a strong parent and learn best practices.
She is at a loss and lashing out. It does not help that she is dreaded and called a brat. She needs defined parenting from her M. and dad, and she certainly should not be aware of your true feelings of her. Nobody reacts well to people that despise and dread them. She is a product of the neglect and lack of parenting, from her father as well as her mother.

You also need to go to couples counseling if you really want this man to be in your life? Your attitude towards him and his daughter is very weak, and for good reasons. You two need to learn to respect and communicate in a non confrontational, and judgemental way.

It will be a lot of work, so decide if he and his daughter are worth it to you.

The issue here isn't the girl. Not yet.

The issue is dad. "He told me he only said it because he didn't think she would...." and she's the child "he can't say no to" AND he announces major life changes to you -- announces them as a done deal, rather than involving you fully in those gigantic choices as a complete partner.

The girl stays put for now. You said "next year" she would come to you -- that's good, it gives you a full school year to change this awful dynamic and THEN decide if she will move. She may have been mostly yanking her M.'s chain by threatening to go live with dad.

But you and dad can use this year to start intensive marriage counseling because he is not treating you at all like a partner. If the girl comes into your home with the behaviors you describe, and he caves in to her, your marriage will end quickly. He already tolerates her cursing at you and telling him that she runs things when she is with you both-- and she doesn't even LIVE with you yet. Just imagine how she will rule the roost if she moves in and you and he have not changed this relationship; daddy won't say boo to her, and he has set up a pattern of letting her do what she likes. THAT is why she wants to move in with him.

Time for an ultimatum. Tell him she does not move in now or ever until you and he and she have all done some serious counseling each and every week--marriage counseling for you and him so he learns that you are a partner,, and separate family counseling for all three of you. Yeah it's a lot but if daddy doesn't get past placating his baby by letting her do what she likes, this is all going to blow up if she actually ever moves in.

Do you and your boyfriend both own the house or are you the sole property owner?
That you and he are not discussing things like his daughter together is not a good sign for your relationship in the first place.
If your boyfriend says 'tough - she's living here no matter what you say' - I think you need to think about evicting him.
There's a reason he's failed at past relationships and parenting and it could be this is the reason why..
At any rate, there is no way I'd have her living under my roof without an explicit contract written out between her, your partner and you.
She does not come in without an exit plan in place and it needs to expire every 6 months and be re-negotiated every single time.
That is a bare minimum requirement for her coming to live with you and going without such a contract is non negotiable.
Given that she's played both her father and mother against each other for so long I'm not sure a contract would be enough to make things livable.
You know the people involved best and only you can determine if you're willing to take this risk.
Consult a lawyer first and make SURE you will not be stuck living with her with no legal way to evict her/your partner.
Based on what you've written here - if I were in your place I'd say 'No. Sorry, Dear but her coming to live here is not going to happen. She is not your only child and we have other kids to consider and I am NOT going to make THEIR lives miserable by having this one move in.' and if your partner doesn't like it he can move out and go make a home for her on his own.
If you both own the house together, he has as much a right to say who lives there as you do.
In that case I'd consider selling my half interest in the property (he can buy you out) and moving out.

Well, here's the thing. You DO have a say in this. You can say to your partner "I'm not going to stay with you if your 15 year old moves in."

You don't really have a partnership. You are a maid, a cook, a bed partner and a babysitter for this man. He is OLD enough to know darn well that his daughter really WOULD choose to live with him instead of her mother who she can't get along with. He just doesn't care that you don't want him to.

So if you don't want her to move in, you tell him that he handles her and everything else alone. Find another place to live.

My step daughter was playing the - I will just go live with Dad card. First I told both her M. and my stepdaughter that under no circumstances could she come live with us because she couldn't get along over there. This prevented two things - 1. The step daughter knew she couldn't trash that house and come to ours and 2. the M. couldn't dump her when she got frustrated. Then I spoke a lot about how the rules and expectations were in our home. In the end, my step daughter realized that we would not put up with any BS and so she decided to stay at M.'s.

This is your home. If I were in your shoes I would draw up a rules of the house for her and get her Dad's buy in to support it since she is so out of control. Tell him without establishing rules, it would likely be world war 3 in the house with him in the middle - no man wants to hear that ;) lol! and its true. Include all the basic rules, plus curfews and since she will be 16 or close to it, make a rule that in order to drive she must have a job and pay for her own car insurance. I would make them pretty rigid and talk a lot about how your house is different than her M.'s. Also talk about consequences for not following the rules. Most spoiled kids think switching houses will solve their problems because they haven't trashed their relationship with you quite yet.....when she hears that she won't rule the roost she will probably elect to stay with M. - if not, you have established your house rules and when she gets out of line you can remind her that she chose to live there knowing in advance EXACTLY what she was getting into.

I think it comes down to this.

Talking to your boyfriend and asking him to sit down with you and talk about that changes this will make. You will need to have some boundaries of course but she will rebel more and more and more and more if you make too many.

Limit your rules and make them very simple. Consequences in writing and dad enforces them. You're not a tattle tale so don't get pulled into that either.

I'd say you and dad have to decide what her chores will be, such as doing her own laundry on one weeknight after school. If she doesn't do it then she can do it when? A second time assigned for her? Does she know how to do laundry? Teaching her life skills if she doesn't want to learn it specifically from you?

How do you and boyfriend expect to resolve differences between the 2 of you? Does dad automatically "have" to take your side? What if he disagrees with you?

You and he must sit down and talk about this. Help him to see your side. IF he takes you seriously and understands how hard this is he might have your back.

Then he needs to sit down with her and show her the chore list, the expectations, the rules, etc...and explain exactly what she's getting in to by moving in then IF she still wants to move in I'd say give it a chance.

I truly think that sometimes your kids come first. Not saying that he'll move out so he can help his child but shouldn't he put her first? Above you? She's his child and his blood and his responsibility.

If you can try together to show her a good strong family and include her in your arms and your heart won't she start to respond to that positive love?

If you really LOVE him? You understand (and expect) that his kids come first.
You allowed him ( asked, invited) to live with you & your child, so you surely respect his parenting, right?

oh my, what a sad situation. Would you really want to deny her time with her dad. What horrible things to say about a little girl. Why not set down some ground rules and talk with your partner about what expectations you will both have for her. Maybe reasonable expectations and a loving home will help get some of her behaviors under control. And try and have a little empathy instead of just thinking about yourself.