I could say "welcome to seeking independence"...but while true, that's not really helpful.
We ran into the same problem...especially in areas like getting dressed. Some days it's FUN to giggle and run around the house naked. Some days MOMMY HAS TO GET SOMEWHERE 10 MINUTES AGO! AAAAAAAAARRGH!!!!! Then, of course, there's the actual "that's dangerous, you have to have to have to listen and do as I say" type of event.
So we made our first ever "deal rule".
We started counting.
We count to five (personal preference, I remember my mother counting to 3 and it never seemed like quite enough time to me to swallow my pride and concede, so we added two seconds. It also means I never have to do the long, drawn out Oooooooooooooone, twoooooooooooooo,....which, kind of grates on my nerves. Again, personal preference.).
The Deal:
- Counting means I'm serious.
- Serious means I'm not playing & you HAVE to do it.
- You can ask why & debate AFTER you've done it.
- Mummy NEVER gets mad before 5, and you NEVER get into trouble.
- After 5, you no longer have any choice in what happens or how. Mummy will also probably, but not always, be angry.
It was a "deal", because we talked about this rule and agreed on it before implementing it...when my son was in his two's.
What I TOLD him was
- Counting means I'm serious, so you know it's not game time.
- Mummy NEVER gets mad before 5, and you NEVER get into trouble.
The others he learned in context.
We also do "deep breath & count", and timeouts. For him, AND for me. For our family timeouts are not punishments. They're a chance to calm down and catch up with a runaway temper. Then it's time to think about what happened, what the ACTUAL problem is...come up with a few solutions...and then meet up and talk about it. Again, no one gets in trouble for sending themselves on a time out, and no one gets in trouble if they GO on time out after being told they need to. Also everyone else has to respect that that person is gathering their thoughts and give them privacy until they're ready to talk. Until we pow wow afterwards, life comes to a standstill. This process developed gradually over time....and especially when my son was very young, the "privacy" thing did not exist. I would frequently ask him if he remembered WHY he was on timeout and the answer would be no. Then I'd remind him, and walk away. In the beginning it was simply why that was NOT a thing he was to be doing and why. That morphed into...what might have been better...what could be done next time...causal factors, etc. Until by age 4 he could do the whole pathway on his own and started requesting the same privacy I get when I'm on time out.
Anyhow, that's what we've found works for us. :)
Z.
A hopeful note on independence; You'll undoubtedly notice over time that as much as they push you away, and or throw "my way" tantrums... they cling on far tighter almost immediately after...if you don't freak out on them. My mum described it "as if they're afraid you'll go away for good now that they're sooooo Big". The being pushed away by your little loves is HARD. But it's almost like a test. "If I treat mummy like this, will she still love me? Will she respect me more? Yikes!!! Will she still be there?". Of course, children's minds don't QUITE work like that...but it's a natural reaction. Wanting to do it themselves, and then afraid you'll never do it for them again.
Ahem, by immediately I DO mean, one month of "x" behavior, followed by a week of never letting go of your leg. Or a whole day of tantrums followed by needing to be snuggled to sleep for two hours. Immediate meaning night and day, not a gradual shift. Both situations are frustrating. But they're just trying to figure out how they fit in this world they live in. I just keep telling myself that. That and "hate" or "screeeeeeeeeech!" are both much shorter and sound better shouted then "I'm hungry, and tired, and feeling a bit overwhelmed, and the color yellow is positively dreadful in this light, all I was trying to do was to be NICE and paint the wall a soothing pink with your lipstick, and your reaction leaves me feeling utterly unappreciated for everything I was trying to do for you, and I am dealing with feelings of being really disappointed that you are not excited like I hoped you would be."
Yep. Which would you shout?