2Nd Grader Won't Talk About Her Feelings

Yep - time to back off. This is a phase for some kids, and for your daughter it's exacerbated by some tough stuff that she's figuring out how SHE wants to deal with it. She's putting up a boundary between you and her life. It's a tough stage - for both of you.

It won't get worse, unless you pick at her until you drive her crazy. Instead, give her some space. 2nd / 3rd grade is a huge time for figuring out who they are... friends are more important than ever. She will probably start to show interests in things she never did before (like, all of a sudden wants to play soccer when before... just played the flute etc). She's just now noticing there is an entire world out there.

Sometime around 5th grade she'll come back. You'll just be sitting on the couch one night watching sponge bob and out of the blue she'll come into the room and lay down beside you and put her head on your lap.

Until then give her some space.

The girl saying inappropriate things in 2nd grade is nothing that your daughter can't handle. It's the girl DOING inappropriate things in 10th grade when you want your daughter to be able to come to you. Let her figure out it is easier to have you to talk to than for her to wish you'd leave her alone.

Start having conversations that are not threatening to her and don't invade her space and her world. Like, in the car. Or while you guys are fixing dinner... times when you aren't making eye contact and she feels like you aren't the Spanish inquisition. Ask her opinions on things - let her help make decisions if you can - you decide the veggie tonight or whatever.

If she hasn't had sleepovers yet - now is a GREAT time to let her start having them - at your house. So you get to know her friends.

Hang in there!

Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes we expect too much from our kids by way of communicating.
Your daughter didn't tell YOU about someone saying something inappropriate at school. Inappropriate doesn't have to be a major crisis and it must not have seemed like one to your daughter.
The whole thing was likely forgotten by her and she may have wondered what the heck you were fishing for or what point you were trying to make.

As far as your mom, I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear...but....little kids can be so much more awesome than we give them credit for because we are always trying to "read" them.
Your daughter acting like there is nothing different is probably a great comfort to your mom who would be very upset if your daughter was falling apart emotionally.
Her not understanding the gravity of the situation at this point really is okay. Even if she has feelings, they aren't going to be in terms of "feelings" the way you think of them.

Her not talking to you about feelings isn't the same as her shutting down. I fear she might if you the press the "feelings" point too much. It could make her question what she is "supposed" to feel and then question herself because she doesn't feel a certain thing or way.

She's 7.
I say these things because I went through a lot as a child. My kids went through many losses. I was fortunate to have some amazing therapists who specialize in children.
They should feel free to express things but it's not a requirement. Half the time they don't know how they feel and if they did, they don't always know how to express it.
You are taking it to mean that she won't confide in you. You want her to do that to make YOU feel better. At that point, it becomes about your feelings and not really about hers because saying that she feels fine doesn't seem to be something you trust. And, you're already mapping out not being able to trust it in the future.
I can pretty much promise you that what you are worrying about is not even thought of in her little head.
To me, that means she's a normal, 7 year old little girl.

I wonder if you are so afraid of losing your connection with her because of what you are going through with your own mom.
You're scared. You're sad. You have every right to be.
Those feelings don't have to be your daughter's.
When she says she's okay....believe her and be thankful.
If you see major behavior changes or a huge drop in grades or she begins acting out, then...maybe you can worry.
For now, hug her. Tell her you love her. Don't expect her to be a child and react to situations in the same way you would, or do, as an adult.

I mean no offense by anything I've said. I swear.

I wish your family the best.

My husband was diagnosed w/cancer 3 yrs ago & my daughter who is 8 doesn't speak too much about it. It's not that she doesn't talk to me about things, it's just that she doesn't talk to me about everything. It's kind of hard because I was very close to my mom and confided in her w/everything but in a way I guess she needs her space and to handle things in her own way as well. One thing that we have done is started w/therapy once all of this began, that way she has someone to talk to about things. I know it's hard because as a mom we feel like we should be there to fix everything, but as a mom we need to give them the strength to handle things on their own as well. Best of luck to you and your mother as well, I hope that things get better for all of you.

I wouldn't worry. At seven a child often has difficulty expressing one's feelings about very painful subjects. Especially if she feels pressured to do so. When she shares her feelings it will be spontaneous and most likely will be when you are not facing each other. You will most likely be doing something extremely mundane when it happens. When it happens, don't stop what you are doing just keep it up, keep your responses minimal so that she can continue to share, At this age a child still has the worry that what ever she says out loud will come true. Even adults often feel this way.
She may also be aware of the pain and sadness that you are feeling with your mom. I also wouldn't discuss her with her friend's mom. My kids have caught me doing this and had no problem letting me know that they resent this. Finally I wouldn't worry. Children share when they are ready, and not before. Just try not to take it personally, It has to be on her time table, not yours. She knows you love her. She will come to you.

Change up your approach so she doesn't feel pressured. NOTHING makes me shut up faster than someone sitting down, giving good eye contact and saying "Lets talk" with the expectation that the talk will mostly be me talking about myself! NO WAY, too much pressure and weight....MUCH better to talk WITH me while we do an activity together.....

if you want to know how her school day went start by sharing how your day went... if you start by GIVING confidences she's more likely to give back

As a child I preferred not to share my feelings, even with my mom and we were very close. I wouldn't worry.

But, I would talk to her, not in a prying way, but just mention that you realize she may have questions about her grandmother's illness, and if she ever does to go ahead and ask. My dad has leukemia and at his age and with his other health problems he can't have chemo or bone marrow transplants and my sister is very open with my 10 year old nephew when he has questions.

When I was 6 my grandmother died after being hospitalized a month. At that time children weren't allowed or encouraged to visit even dying patients, so everything I heard was from my mother who went to see her. (She was my dad's mother but he couldn't talk to anyone about what was happening.) The day she died my mother started talking about my Nana's "wake" and I wanted to go. Mom said I couldn't go and I was crushed. If my Nana was going to wake up I wanted to see her and talk to her before they buried her! The night of the wake when my mother came home, dad had stayed with my grandfather and brothers awhile, I wanted all the details. Mom kept saying how pretty she was and how she looked like an angel and as if she was sleeping and I finally asked "What did she say?" My mother didn't realize what I was asking, she started crying and said she had to pay the sitter and go to bed. So for years I thought my grandmother had woken and sat up and talked to everyone at her "wake" and that I had been cheated.

So, if your daughter knows she can ask whatever questions she may have at some point it may prevent any misunderstandings on her part.
God bless.

My younger daughter is in second grade also (6.5 years old). Her teacher called a parent-teacher conference with me because my daughter doesn't want to talk about her feelings. So in this conference, I asked if there was a problem with my daughter's behavior. The teacher said no, my daughter is generally very well-behaved and acts like a typical second-grader. Which prompted me to ask, "Then what's the problem?!"

My point is this. Not every kid needs to talk about their feelings. Not every adult needs to talk about their feelings, either. Some of us are way less emotional than others - it takes all types of people to make the world go around. If your daughter seems happy, then stop hovering. She knows you're there for her, and she will come to you if she needs help.

As an adult in this situation with your mother, you are understandably upset - because you have a lifetime of experience that has taught you what a cancer diagnosis could mean, and you can look into the future and imagine many "what-ifs." Your daughter is a little girl without all of this perspective. All she knows at this moment is that she has a great family, friends at school, she likes her teacher, she likes macaroni and cheese, soccer is fun, etc. She's a kid! That means you're doing a good job, mama. Don't over-think this.

Please get yourself the gift of a book that I think will make a phenomenal difference: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.

The insights are simple, brilliant, and so true you'll wonder how you could possibly not have figured them out already. I've used and loved this book for several years with my grandson, and everybody I've suggested or gifted it to has found it valuable.

Kids often have trouble identifying and talking about their feelings. But if you can provide the right kind of opening, and then leave her space to respond, she may be able to give lots of information about her thoughts, worries, and feelings.

At six, my daughter says stupid is inappropriate. If you say it, she will scream at you in total shock. Hopefully it is something as little as stupid.

I remember when I was a child and my grandma died (who I was very close to) I could not talk to my mom about it. I just could not do it...not bc I was not sad inside but because I could not handle that intensity of feelings and was scared. Don't push her to talk directly about her feelings. But while you are doing things together and are both relaxed and comfortable maybe bring up good times and happy memories about grandma. Try to be very relaxed about it. Say how you are feeling. The reason why she cannot talk about it is this is very intense for her. She will do ANYTHING to try to hide those awful sad feelings she is having. When she gets more mature in life I am sure she will then be able to talk to you about this.

Some kids share more than others, don't worry about it.

Be more direct. "I heard that someone at school said _____," and then let your daughter tell you as much or as little as she wants to.

Just because she doesn't share doesn't mean she won't come to you later if she really needs to. Just model good listening when she does talk to you, and you will create an open line of communication.

Did she talk a lot before? Are there other signs that are telling you something is up? Try to look at the whole picture as best you can first.
As for someone saying inappropriate things to her well this is more than likely happening. But kids are so told they have to be like everyone else and sometimes that means putting up with such things. Sometimes they don't know the differences. Age seven is usually when children become closer to their parent. A whole new world is opening up to them and they are sensing things far differently than before this age. They're seeing that there is good and bad and sometimes they're in conflict with this. This is why it's important to read stories of conflict and overcoming them with courage to her. I wouldn't bug her about any of this and let it be and simply be close to her through love, doing things together, simple things like cooking, baking, crafts, sewing, playing games, taking nature walks, reading together and such and all the while be yourself with her and let things develop as they will through this. She'll begin to open more so as long as she doesn't feel you're delving for something or looking for a hidden message. Remember too, she's being influenced all day long by others and unforunately a lot of kids aren't too nice these days. Allow me to recommend a terrific book, you can read together or better yet you read a part to her every night before going to sleep: The Seven Year Old Wonder Book by Isabel Wyatt, Floris Books, it's on Amazon. This is a book full of tales that enlivens the child's imagination. This is not one of those run the mills, dumbed down stories that is so often fed to children now days, this is rich and vivid in language and it hits a seven year old just where they live, not only because it's imaginative but because conflicts are being worked out. The woman who wrote it taught children most of her life. It was originally written in 1958 and so the language reflects this, so if this isn't your cup of tea, don't get it. And there are so many really good books that would enrich her and help to bring out who she is. There is a whole series of books that seven year olds love, they're called The Tales of TipToes Lightly by Reg Downs, I think there are four of them. Remember that at this age a child is imaginative and active and so this is your cue. The imaginations awaken thinking powers and at this age the dawning of thought is present. But this doesn't mean they will tell you all their thoughts, some are quietly living in their own world, others are very talkitive, telling all their wonderings. But all are waking up to a new world inside themselves. She's influenced by the ideas around her at school and from everything. I always considered it my job to be aware of this with balance and I think you'd agree, but sometimes we have to be patient and listen and wait for the "right" words. Take these concerns into your sleep, not in worry, but in thought of being refreshed with new insight. Just let her know how much she's loved through your actions. She'll be fine. Hold her close.

Two things.

First, your daughter telling a friend someone at school says inappropriate things. You asked her if someone says things at school that make her "uncomfortable" and she looked at you like you were crazy. To my daughter, when other kids said things she deemed as "inappropriate" (such as "stupid" "dumb" "baby" or anything mean, insulting, bragging, lying, etc) she felt angry - not uncomfortable. So your daughter would have no idea what you were fishing for if the word you used did not exactly match up with the word she would have used.
And it is not something they keep in their heads to tell about later. It comes out when it comes out, and if she already vented about it, she wouldn't feel a need to vent again later.

The other is about feelings... Sometimes feelings are just too hard to explain, and are so jumbled up we don't even know how to express it. And she is just 7. Feelings can come out better at odd moments - in play, while sleepily talking after story time in bed, sitting in the car in silence after you shared something from your day, taking a walk, gardening... but almost never when we *want* to have a child tell us something. Don't push, but be there for her. Share the walks, the talks, the love, and the silences.

Then there is the possibility of fear, and the magical thinking of that age. Who knows what goes on in those heads. And as frustrating as it is, we simply are not privy to their private thoughts and feelings until they are ready. Some are silly, some are deep. I had a majorly big secret at that age that I didn't tell for another 9 years. There could not have been any amount of coercion on anybody's part for me to open up about it any sooner than I did. BUT, I think if a conversation about the topic had ever been brought up, and feelings shared, and I felt complete acceptance, I might have shared my story as well.

So...??? A simple occasional, "I feel sad grandma feels so bad because I love her so much." If a time comes when you think she will soon die :-( a simple heartfelt statement of your feelings about that will do. There are also books to read children about life and death. One that helped my kids was The Fall of Freddie Leaf - about a leaf's life and finally falling from a tree late in the fall. It was all a metaphor for life cycle including death, and was beautifully written with drawings.

I suggest that this is her way of handling her grief over her grandmother's illness. As to the situation at school, I'd tell her that you'd been told about the situation and suggest a way that she might be feeling. This could open up the conversation.

Perhaps she doesn't have words to fit her feelings. Try reading books together about feelings. The library should have some. I just bought a series of books entitled I'm So Angry, I'm So Sad, I's So Happy, etc.

Read the books and start a conversation about how an imagined person would feel in a certain circumstance.

Tell her how you're feeling without asking her to share. Make talking about feelings a daily occurrence.

At dinner time our family takes turns telling things from our day that were happy, sad, scary, and funny. I started this to find out if my kids were being bullied or abused in any way at school. But I've seen so many other benefits come from it. Sometimes kids don't want to talk about something their mom brings up because it's confrontational or embarrassing. Our little tradition gives the kids a chance to say it if they want to in a calm, non-confrontational situation. I don't know if it helps my kids to open up more, but I think it helps them to learn the words for their feelings. Good luck!