2Nd Night of Not Talking to My Husband.

I hope you can go to marriage counseling. You need an adult who can support you... Maybe he can learn how to be that someone. No matter what happens with this marriage you have a child to raise together so you need to try. I think they listen better when its a third person and that person says things in a way that is somehow doesn't provoke bad feelings, he or she can discuss things without being emotional. Tell him you really need this and you want to make this marriage better. Ask him to do it for you, or for the baby what ever works. good luck

I lived with the silent treatment for 20 years. They don't get any better without intervention from a therapist. The therapist helped him for a few months but he would revert back to that selfish and childish behavior. We chose divorce but we still live under the same roof for our kids. We get along better now than we ever did because he now knows that that behavior doesn't affect me anymore. He is still a selfish person, but he doesn't try to manipulate me anymore. I would suggest a therapist though to get him headed in the right direction.

You 2 need to learn how to speak to each other.. not at each other.

There have been times when I say to my husband.. "I just realized, each time , I speak with my sister, I need a few minutes to calm myself down."

Or," I just had a conversation with my mom and I need to think about what she said."

We know pretty much everything about each other since we have known each other since we were 13, but I still have to remind him.. "I need time to absorb what just happened. Give me a few minutes."

He on the other hand wants to sit right down and tell me EVERY word that was said between him and the person he has spoken with.. I always have to ask, "is it possible to just get to the punch line?"

Validate him. Let him know. "Honey, I am going to tell you what brother and I just discussed, but give me sometime to think about all of it for awhile."

The other thing I do is ask my husband "I need some time away from that discussion, but later will you remind me to speak with you about the conversation I just had? Thanks. "

We had to go to marriage counseling a long time ago, because we were driving each other crazy.. He wants to be all over me telling and talking, discussing from the moment he wakes up in the morning till we go to sleep at night. I like silence in the morning.. When I come home from work I need time alone for about 20 minutes.. Guess what, Our daughter ended up being like me, so my husband had to learn to give us some space and time and we promise to listen to his detailed conversations when he wants to share..

Start off with "Honey I love you and promise to tell you about what is going on, but let me get my thoughts together first".

He needs to respect this and you just need to let him know you are not leaving him out, you just need time.

I WISH my husband would eat chips for a night or two! haha He's very motivated by food....
Anyway, I don't know what's going on with you & your husband but I'll bet it's something deeper than the phone conversation offense.
Seriously, that sounds so childish to me, I can hardly believe a man would do that. I mean, I believe you, but very sophomoric.

He's lucky, I would have opened a jar of baby food and told him he'll get big boy food when he grows up.
But seriously, look into counseling (your church is a good place to start). You aren't communicating and it's likely he'll shut down if you try to explain what you are feeling when he does this to you. A neutral third party will be your best bet on getting him to understand how his behavior is affecting the whole family.

I think you need to take some responsibility in this. You can't not tell your husband something this important. Take his point of view for a moment. If you were in his shoes and he had kept something this big from you, wouldn't you be upset. You should have been able to go cry in his arms over this immediatley. You both may need some kind of councelling to help improve your communication skills.

Honestly, the next time something is bothering you and he asks you about it, tell him right there and then. Don't say "nothing" or "later" and then expect him to automatically want to talk. Just get it out right away, do not stew or dwell on it. Men do not know how to handle this sort of thing. Maybe when you won't talk to him right away, his feelings get hurt, he feels rejected, and that's why then he is not talking. Men are also very simple creatures, they are not big into talking about every feeling we have. They cannot read our minds. Now whatever you were originally upset about has now snowballed into being more upset about his response and everything else.

Don't mean to sound harsh here, but I tend to be very upfront with my hubby and I tell him exactly what is on my mind, while still having enough of a filter that I don't make him feel like I am blowing him out of the water. I never just tell him 'nothing" - I just get it off my chest and that's it. I would agree that you both need to learn more effective ways of communicating with each other.

You know what they forgot to teach us in school? How to communicate. Many of us come from families that communicate through emotional outbursts. I think your husband is still communicating like a kid and he needs help communicating like a man. If I were you I would do some research and find a class in communication. A local college or a church would be a good place to start. Then sign up and take your husband with you. Explain to him why without anger. Tell your husband your goal is to communicate and express your feelings in a healthy way, not pout or say mean things. If he won't go or won't talk to you......then go alone.

Kat, there is a fabulous process called Non-Violent Communication (also called NVC and Compassionate Communication) that is effective for exactly this sort of problem. If you are truly fed up with this repeating pattern, I hope you will google those terms for descriptions, examples, and resources describing this process. These are tried and tested tools to help you break through to something far more satisfying and peaceful. And your husband doesn't even have to be using the techniques for them to work.

The difference in effective communication is that it doesn't confuse valid feelings, like anger, sadness, or happiness, with the thoughts and concepts we use to explain those feelings to ourselves or each other.

For example, you might feel too sad too talk, and intend to tell your husband as soon as you get hold of your emotions. If you had described your state in those words, he would probably have felt sympathy. The communication short circuited, apparently, when you said instead that you'd "tell him later," and didn't share the depth of your "upset." He felt perhaps a bit startled and angry, which he quickly interpreted to himself as a "feeling" of being rejected. According to NVC, "rejection" is not a feeling at all, it's an interpretation of feelings, perhaps based on previous unsuccessful communications that were never resolved. And that interpretation results in your husband's attitude toward you taking a dive.

This is a fascinating area to investigate, because it explains so much about why and how people react, often mistakenly. It helps us understand these tendencies in ourselves, too. What amazing freedom to get out from under all the confusing concepts we try to live with.

The other wonderful thing about NVC is that it teaches us how to listen with true empathy and respect, and then ASK for exactly that empathy and respect from the other person, not as a demand, but as a gentle request. People can hardly resist giving back the gift of honest caring you have just given them.

I have found this process to be life-changing, improving some extremely difficult family relationships, and keeping communication running smoothly in work and social relationships, as well. And I'm not even very good at it. (My husband and several folks in my religious community have also learned the process, and find it useful it in all sorts of situations.)

I can't recommend this process highly enough. I wish it were taught in schools – what a gift it would be to the next generation.

Chips for dinner sound great. I hope he enjoys them.
Sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a serious talk about feelings. This is so very hard because men arent' feeling type people. But we have to try. You have to be noncambative and say It hurts me when you do .... I feel like you dont' care when....
Good luck.

I am sure... your Husband was this way... from before you married him.
It is just the way he is.
Baby-like.
He is all huffy... because you did not tell him what you were talking on the phone about, RIGHT at that moment.
He is reacting... like a child.
Immature.
Very... immature.
I would be tired of it too.
Is he a Momma's Boy???
He sounds like one.

I say, good you e-mailed him. Because that is the only thing he will look at and react to.
You are at your limit.
I would be too.

Wow and he already goes to therapy... but pretends he doesn't. That is lying among many other things. And he has been doing this 'pretend I am going to the gym" farce... since you had met him?

Wow, sorry...sounds really childish. So I think it is whatever mental stuff he deals with. If he won't go to therapy, can you just go yourself so you can vent your feelings and process? I don't know if marriage counseling will help if he is dealing with some personal issue that prevents him from being a full participating member of your marriage. Could you find a time to talk openly about the meds and therapy he is doing? Maybe go out together have a little fun and just ask him to let you in and know what is going on. You guys are a team and I think you need to know what you are dealing with. He is on pills, is he bi-polar or does he have some other disorder or does he have someone prescribing him something that he is addicted too? This is important info that you need. If there is some disorder going on, it would be really good to know because that is the only way to work together and make life more functional, if it is addiction, really important info. Maybe talk to him and let him know you love him and want to have a good life together so what is up???? Now on a lighter side, early in marriage I had a tendency to just shut down when upset, childish I know, my husband looked me in the face and just say "look you cannot stop talking to me, I can't handle that, it's not an option" From then on I talked, for better or worse, I mean he probably wishes I would shut up at times!! So when you can letting him know that his not talking is something you actually can't handle could be a good thing as well. Good luck, that is a tough one!

Two words. Marriage counseling. You mentioned he is on meds. What for? Is he Bi-Polar? If that is the case it will "always be something" for the rest of your life IF he chooses not to change. I had a husband like that except mine would use his fists to make his unhappiness known. Good luck to you.

I'm glad that you are setting down some healthy boundaries and not accepting his grief. Good for you! I wouldn't want to have to deal with getting the cold shoulder on a weekly basis for whatever perceived slight either. I hope that he does decide to go to marriage counseling with you and can learn to work and communicate like a team for the two of you and your child.

Wishing you all the best.

Hi,

Therapy is so beneficial to everyone-- but only if you want to change or get better. Hopefully in counseling if he decides to go- he will recognize his behavior and want to change. You can't make him change but you can set boundaries of how he treats you. Teach him how to treat you and don't accept anything less than what you set the standard for. I hope things work out for you. As another poster said, get a bank acct opened and your own credit cards just to be on the safe side- I agree with that- you need to be ready to leave if he continues this way.

M

He sounds immature. Tell him to grow up. Well, maybe not in those words or things may get worse, but if this happens frequently then you need to sit down and have a grown-up talk with him.

.

"you can eat a bag of chips everynight till you learn how to respect your wife."

GREAT BIG GIANT HUGS TO YOU!!!!

You rock, girlfriend.

p.s. Most women have forgotten that prior to lib (and yes, of course I'm a feminist)... husbands who weren't respecting their wives would recieve a steady diet of tripe and boiled hay until they shaped up, and removed their heads from their posteriors.

it dose not sound like his meds are working for him. he needs better prescriptions and how to deal with his behavior.

Hopefully your husband will agree to go to marriage counseling. Be sure to tell him that you need it yourself to be a better husband to him. That way it doesn't sound like he is the only one who needs it. Ask the counselor to help you turn TO each other during difficult times instead of ON each other.