What to Do? - Willis,TX

I'd talk to him and ask him to think carefully about what kind of father/person blames an innocent, helpless child for someone else's choices and how he'd feel if one of his family members treated his daughter that way

It seems like you and your husband should not make assumptions about why your brother and his wife had more children. It most likely had absolutely nothing to do with the two of you. Even if your difficulties made your sister in law realize how precious the ability to have children is, that doesn't mean that they should not have had their kids because you were having trouble. How does one have a baby out of spite? The notion is silly to me.

Aside from that I hope that if/when your husband realizes how unfair his grudge is against the girls he will try to be as much of a loving and caring uncle as I'm sure he is a father.

He could try to imagine how he would feel if anyone were to treat his daughter that way. Congratulations on becoming parents after all you went through.

Well the below response was to the ORIGINAL post that E. had last night stating that the Brother and his wife had a baby even though they said they would not have anymore. E. stated that her husband felt they had gotten pregnant on purpose to somehow get the attention and he was now upset with THEM...

This will sound harsh, but your husband needs to grow up and quit assuming. He is not setting a good example for any of the children. He is being selfish only thinking about his own feelings.

Your entire family has been blessed with healthy children and he is wasting his energy on negativity.

Remind him that at any moment it can all be taken away, so he needs to enjoy what he has and allow all of these children to be loved, accepted and shown proper behavior by ALL of the adults in the family.

I cannot begin to imagine how devasting it must have been to have suffered two miscarriages and the fertility issues you had afterwards, it must have really taken a toll on you and your husband. Regardless of your brother and sister-in-laws reasons for having their children (or what you perceive those reasons to be), those two precious children are part of your family. They did not ask to be born, they are innocent in this matter. Your husband needs to realise this. Have you told him it's not the children's fault? How it hurts you to see him ignore part of your family? Is he on speaking terms with your brother and sister-in-law? If yes, why not their children? Besides communicating with him how you feel, I can't offer anymore advice than that. I just don't understand why people blame children for choices their parents made. Good luck to you and your family...:)

Hi E.,
I wanted to respond because I was in the same situation not long ago. I am one of four children and very close to my siblings and then also to their children, my nieces. My husband on the other hand has one brother 12yrs senior who moved out and away. So he basically grew up an only child and only met his two nieces a few times.
Stephen is an excellent Dad! Everything a Dad should do and be he is.
With each baby I had (3) my sister or sister-in-law also had one. Each baby has their own playmate-pretty neat.
I noticed the same reserved, non-hands on, but not intentionally mean attitude to my nieces whereas I try to treat them like my own.
I talked to my husband about it and he wasn't even aware that he was doing it. Now I agree you can't *make* someone or it will be fake...true but its obvious he has it in him with your own child. I let my husband know that it hurt my feelings and I definitely didn't want my siblings and nieces hurt. The other thing he said, was he was afraid to be hands on with someone else child. We grew up in different types of households so I understood where he was coming from and reassured him it was ok. It took a little while for him to naturally warm up and be more comfortable and more loving, but he did. Is he exactly the same to all the kids, no but he is loving and offers guidance and even comfortable enough to lightly discipline when the kids get rowdy. I realize he will never be where I stand-but I am ok with that.
Good luck and I hope some of this might help :)
M.

I went through a similar situation after my last child was born. I came home from the hospital before she did because he had to stay in the NICU. She was having difficulties with her breathing. Well, my husbands cousin and neice were staying with us to help me with the housework, the kids, etc. His neice had a 9 month old baby, and when I got home from the hospital I ignored the baby. Everyone was loving on her, even my husband and other children, and I was just so angry and upset because I wanted my baby to be there.
My husband confronted me on this issue, and I just didn't know why everyone expected me to be so nice to this baby when I had just had my own baby and she wasn't even with me. It just made me more upset, and I couldn't even look at the baby or her my husbands cousin or neice. I wasn't mean to her or anything, I just kind of ignored her.
Eventually, I got over it a little, and I didn't ignore her, but I wasn't running to her either. I did feel a little guilty for my behavior, but I was going through a lot ... having given birth by c-section, my baby was in the hospital ... and that was just my reaction. I wanted to be loving on my baby, not someone elses. Your husband probably feels a little resentment, as well, and he will just have to get over it on his own. It's not going to happen overnight, either. Just talk to him about it, and let him sort out his feelings on his own. Don't force him or make him feel guilty ... that'll only make it worse, believe me. Good luck, and I hope all turns out well.

Hi E.,
I am a parent educator and also do individual and couples sessions for folks. I thinnk that you are very wise to ask for help about this...it seems like you want to create a loving and supportive relationship with your husband. Here is my 2 cents worth. It can be very hurtful in a relationship to judge the other person as "wrong". Instead, if you can, focus on learning more abot why you want what you want and learning more about why he wants what he wants. As you said, he is not a bad guy he is just doing things differently than you.

To learn more about this, I would suggest the work of Nonviolent Communication/Compassionate Communication. I will cut and paste an article about NVC below. If you would like to learn more, contact me directly and I can send you some more info. Also, if you live in the Austin area I know of some NVC practice groups that you can attend. One is held during the day and there is free childcare provided.

Blessings to you and your family,
K.
Here is the article:
nonviolent communication is . . . ?
Nonviolent CommunicationSM (NVC) is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication. Its purpose is to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion from others and to respond compassionately to others and to ourselves. NVC guides us to reframe how we express ourselves and hear others by focusing our consciousness on what we are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting.
We are trained to make careful observations free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others, and to identify and clearly articulate what we are wanting in a given moment. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed, rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.
While it is taught through the use of a concrete model, and is referred to as “a process of communication” or a “language of compassion,” Nonviolent Communication is more than a process or a language. As our cultural conditioning often leads our attention in directions unlikely to get us what we want, NVC serves as an ongoing reminder to focus our attention on places that have the potential to yield what we are seeking—a flow between ourselves and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.
Founded on language and communication skills that enable us to remain human, even under trying conditions, Nonviolent Communication contains nothing new: all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, with the sole intention to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another. While this may not happen quickly, it is our experience that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of Nonviolent Communication.
nonviolent communication skills
As the name implies, this approach to communication emphasizes compassion as the motivation for action rather than fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion, threat or justification for punishment. In other words, it is about getting what you want for reasons you will not regret later. These techniques allow you to make conscious choices about how you will respond whether you get what you want, or not. It is definitely NOT about guilt and tricking people into giving you what you want.
The skills are built on Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg's application of Nonviolent Communication. The process of NVC encourages us to focus on what we and others are observing, how and why we are each feeling as we do, what our underlying needs are, and what each of us would like to have happen. These skills emphasize personal responsibility for our actions and the choices we make when we respond to others.
Nonviolent Communication skills will assist you in dealing with major blocks to communication such as demands,
diagnoses and blaming. In CNVC trainings you will learn to express your feelings without attacking. This will help minimize the likelihood of facing defensive reactions in others. The skills will help you make clear requests. They will help you receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or losing self-esteem. These skills will be useful with your family, friends, students, subordinates, supervisors, co-workers and clients. These skills will be useful with your own internal dialogues.
NVC is a clear and effective model for communicating in a way that is cooperative, conscious, and compassionate.

I think the big question is does it bother your nieces and nephews? They probably see it as just how he is. You can't force someone to show affection to children. They'll know it's fake. Maybe he's a little wistful with them. I know I am towards a child of 2 friends of mine. We were all pregnant at the same time. They kept theirs to term, I lost mine @ 4 months. I know that when I see their children I think about how old my child would have been. It's been 5 years and I still think about it. Mention it to him and then let him be. He is who he is and will show affection in his own way.

This is such a man thing and you need to let it go. Most men do not fawn all over children like women do.

Let him be him and allow him to have the relationship he wants with his own nieces. You may speak to him about how it may be perceived by his nieces and encourage him to interact with them more. But, don't worry about it or nag him about it. You just keep doing what your doing because you're comfortable with it. He's probably not. Not everybody is an affectionate person. And, when they are, they are only to a few people. That's not wrong - just different from you. It's ok. Please don't make him be affectionate to people when he's not comfortable with it. That would be worse! Kids will see right through him!!! That will affect his relationship them in a bad way.

Well all of this must have taken a strong emotional toll on your man, because his reaction is out of proportion to what happened. Now even it is true he has to forgive your bro and sis-in-law. These things build up to so much bigger than they need to be left unattended. Regardless of their intentions the way things went down left a wound in your husband. But un-forgiveness is like taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. Ultimately these girls will be fine, they have parents that love them and they will do ok. But your husband can get bitter and that isn't good for him. I would really encourage him to forgive your bro and SIL so he can move on and happily plan a family with you and enjoy good family relationships. If you don't think he will respond well to you talking about it with him just ask God to help him see that he needs to forgive them and let it go. It doesn't matter how he gets this revelation, but he really needs to get it. It also doesn't matter if this was intentional by them or not, he has got to release these negative feelings and get free to just live his life in peace. Not to mention that ya'll will be family always and most likely will do other things through the years to offend one another so practicing forgiveness is a skill we all need to survive family life and enjoy it! I wish you guys the best:)

It is not your job to "make" your husband do or feel any certain way. For sure do not listen to Laura or any others that say to shame him into a different way of acting. Everyone has their own way of being and for whatever reason he is more reserved.
It is wise to learn early on that your husband is not going to be a clone of you and feel and do everything the way you do.
I have a sister in law who is real extroverted and goes over the top around little kids and I am more stand offish, but over the years I have found meaningful ways to connect to my nieces and nephews.
Allow him space and time to develop his own way. A helpful book or audio tapes are by Byron Katie called Loving What Is where you get clear on what is your job and what is other people job and you are not trying to control other peoples stuff all the time.

Am I missing something here? The responses assume that he is not 'overly friendly' to your nieces because he is 'holding a grudge' and 'bitter.' I don't see where you are saying that.

My husband isn't 'overly friendly' to our nieces (5 of them!) and nephew ( only 1 so far.) In fact he was concerned about having his own children because he had no relationship to his brothers' children. He's just fine with our girls and loves them to pieces. He also sees them on a daily basis, he does not see the others very often. I'm a little distant with them also. I guess we just don't have those same feelings towards them as though they are like our own children.

By the way I have had many pregnancy losses (miscarriages, stillbirth at 40 weeks, and the most recent twins one ectopic and one uterine.) Although we are sad that we have lost 8 or 9 babies, two of them requiring surgical removal, it does not affect the way we feel about our sister and brother's children. We are happy that they each have three healthy children (we have four.) We just don't have that close relationship with them and likely never will.

S.

E.,
So glad for you little 3 yr old blessing. My first question is: What is the relationship between like with your husband and his in-laws (your brother and sis-in-law)? Is it the same, or did it change over the last 3 years? Also, have you observed him being more loving to another child or adult OTHER than his own?

Those are the things I would think about to see if the behavior is specifically directed to your brother's children OR if that is just the way your husband is. Best wishes!