3 1/2 Year Old's Behavior?? 2 Questions!

I feel like you have just described my 31/2 year old son....typically the same behavior and the power struggle is making me weak, he does not eat vegetables either and is very picky on meats, my ped tells me not to worry too...he always seems to want to get things his way, and yes the bedtime routine cannot be broken for whatever reason...it must have something to do with their developmental stage, so maybe that's why they do not make room for one-offs?
I think when they get a little older, they can probably 'reason' a little better and understand things more. I try not to let it bother me too much so I am waiting for him to get a little older.

hi~
1) yes. however i would also add that you should avoid power struggles. in order to help avoid power struggles look over the info below (from: http://www.supernanny.com/Advice/-/Your-child/-/Child-car...) :

“When kids say no it’s easy to rise to the bait and turn even a minor challenge into a major power struggle – but that ends up being miserable for everyone. Instead, there are steps you can take to prevent or defuse a conflict and help your children learn valuable lessons about respect and cooperation.…

1 Be reasonable
Make sure that what you’re asking of your child is reasonable. For example, a preschooler might feel overwhelmed by being asked to clean up a room independently. But if you say, “Let’s do this together”, and offer encouragement along the way, it’s a do-able task. 
 


2 Forewarn your child
A lot of grumbling can be prevented if you give children a 5 or 10-minute heads-up notice that they need to finish what they’re doing so they can put their toys away, get ready for bed or whatever the task at hand is. 
 


3 Acknowledge your child’s feelings
When kids grumble, they often just want to be heard. So simply say something like, “Yeah, I know doing dishes isn’t much fun. But it will feel good when they’re all done and you can go play”.
 


4 Offer choices
As much as possible, offer your child choices. For example, you can’t waver from the expectation that your children will complete their homework every evening. But you can offer choices as to exactly when and where they do the work. 


5 Clarify consequences
If your child refuses to do what you’ve asked, calmly state what the consequence will be if he doesn’t comply within a stated time (usually 5-15 minutes, depending on the child’s age and the situation). Without getting carried away by anger, make sure the stated consequence fits the situation. For example, if a child doesn’t help with the dishes when asked, he might lose his TV privileges for the evening.
 


6 Give them time to comply
When kids are resistant, too often we parents move in closer and increase the volume and intensity of our demands. Then our child matches that intensity by increasing his or her resistance. By stepping back instead, we allow our child to save face and ‘choose’ to cooperate.
 


7 Follow through
If your child still doesn’t do as you ask, impose the promised consequence swiftly and matter-of-factly. Shouting or bombarding a child with angry words does no good at this point. He or she needs to see that you meant what you said. Period.
 


8 Move on
Once the consequence has been imposed, move on without bearing a grudge. Let your clearly stated expectations and carefully chosen consequences speak for themselves and allow your child see that he or she can start fresh the next time. 
 


Finally, don’t forget to ‘catch your children being good’. Let them know you appreciate it when they follow directions, especially when they do so cheerfully. 
It’s important to understand that all children are uncooperative at times. And at certain ages, especially during the toddler period and early adolescence, resistance and defiance are especially common as kids struggle to prove their independence. However, professional help is in order if defiance is very intense, lasts for many months, cuts across many situations and interferes with a child’s ability to have warm, supportive relationships with family, teachers or friends. 


2) depends on the family. from what I've read you should offer fruits for dessert and maybe 1x a week (or so) provide a special treat.

as for veggies - you can put them in other foods - e.g. pureed squash in mac and cheese; puréed cauliflower (instead of mash potatoes); also see Sneaky Chef Cookbook http://www.thesneakychef.com/

Also another thought is try positive rewards – instead of taking away magnets give magnets (you can also let him fill the jar with ping pong balls, place stickers on a chart, etc.) the reward should be something special that he would ONLY get when completing his reward chart/ping pong container. Once he earns magnets/ping pong ball don’t take them away as punishment. Instead use time-outs. Also one needs to remember for every 1 negative thing– provide 3 positives.

GOOD LUCK!

Just try rewarding the good behavior, but don't take away for the inappropriate behavior. Use the chart as positive reinforcement. Because so young, it should be a daily reward, an extra book at bedtime, 10 min of snuggle time, etc. Good luck!

1) My son is also three. One thing we have recently started is using a visual schedule. We have each step of his bedtime routine written out with simple pictures. So it goes something like this:

1. Bath time
2. Dry off
3. PJs on
4. Brush teeth
5. Story time
6. Good night kisses
7. Into bed
8. Lullabyes
9. Sleep

Each step is stuck on a laminated piece of construction paper with velcro. This paper has two columns: To Do and Done. Once one step is finished, it is moved from the To Do to the Done column. It helps him see where he is in the routine and what comes next. When he stalls on a step, we just say, "Look, it's time to brush your teeth [or whatever]!" We've only just started doing this, but this is what works in his little preschool. So far so good.

2) I don't have a set limit on the number of treats. I just try to keep it reasonable. My son is potty training, so we do give him a couple of M&Ms when he uses the potty (if he asks). And he'll have sweets on special occasions, like a birthday party. He doesn't typically eat dessert after dinner, because I feel that much sugar that late in the day will only hinder bedtime. But I have no problem "haggling," as you put it, over how much he eats. I think it's perfectly reasonable that he eat a good portion of his dinner rather than saving his appetite for dessert. Thankfully, my son is really into counting, so we can usually get him to eat more if we tell him, "You need to eat x more bites."

Re: the vegetables, I wouldn't push them, but make them available. "They" say that children may need to be exposed to a new foods up to 10 times before they accept them. Also, do you and your husband eat a lot of vegetables? You need to model the sort of eating behavior that you want your son to emulate.

Good luck!

you are doing exactly the right thing and it will totally help him become a responsible wonderful child. As a teacher, I thank you.
As for treats I think a bit of Behavior contracting (the eat x to get y) is perfect and teaches a valuable skill about give and take

3's are the worst, in my opinion. I think that your son is completely normal - most things are a bit of a power struggle at this stage. There's a lot of back and forth. I would say that I'm a real middle-of-the-road parent - I expect the kids to do as I say, but I offer a good amount of autonomy too.

As for the eating/dessert thing: I think that you can keep doing what you're doing. Or you can tell your son that he gets one treat per day and he can have it whenever he wants an that it's not tied to eating dinner. I have a friend who lets her kids eat ice cream after breakfast, but then that's it for the day. It doesn't really matter when the sweets come, right? as long as they're in limited amounts (I could never get my head around this, but her kids don't fuss for dessert at dinner, because they already had it at 6am). I wouldn't worry at all about eating vegetables. Just keep putting them on his plate. Have you tried edamame (soy beans?) My veggie averse son will eat those till the cows come home. You can get them at trader joes.

As for the bedtime thing, you weren't specific about what exactly is taking so long, but if there's a part that you want to cut out entirely, I would give him a couple days warning and then cut it. He'll probably freak out, but only for a day or two. If it's just that you want to speed the process up, I've got nothing for you; I have no idea how it can take my 5 year old 10 minutes to walk from the couch to her room for bed!

Good luck!

My son is also 3 1/2 and his bed time routine has also gotten longer and longer and he has very precise requirements! When he has a baby sitter I have to laugh as I write out the routine. But we keep it totally consistent and dont use any part of the routine as a punishment. I also do not allow any additions to the bed time routine,let him pick 3 books and never allow "just one more". His new thing for stalling is kisses...but I dont mind those much!

The book "How to talk to kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" is great...even for adults.
You can get it at any bookstore or online like at Amazon.

3 is a harder age than 2. My son goes through that too. I do not give in & I gauge the situation. He knows. I do not give him a "treat" for every good behavior... because then they can sometimes just want treats, for anything.
I also talk with my son... but not in lengthy lecturing or "explanations." A child this age will not even listen for that long. Or, I count to 3. Then forewarn my son and give him a bit of time to think then do. Which kids need time sometimes to get ALL our "directions" and expectations, in their heads and then process it. Then, once I count to 3... my son usually has already cooperated... or he jumps in my lap and apologizes since he knows he was sorta uncooperative to begin with. Or, I tell my son to count to 10.... THEN I give him a chance to think, or redo what it is.

Kids also need times where their every action is not so instructed. Meaning... I give my kids the opportunity to think things over too. I say "Dinner in 15 minutes. You know what to do next...." Which means: they need to wind down their activity and wash their hands. Then come to the kitchen. So, in other words, I am not TELLING them or NAGGING them about what to do, for every little thing or every little thing that I want them to do all day. But I do keep track if they diverge. I often will praise them too, when they think on their own and problem-solve on their own. Even if it is not the way that "I" would do it.

If he is not eating veggies. That's fine. Does he take vitamins? Or, try giving him V-8. My daughter and son like that. Or, prepare it differently. Give him dips with it. But if he does not eat it, there is no point in having a battle about it. Kids will go through MANY food likes and dislikes... so this is just the itp of the iceberg. I was "forced" to eat, by a school Teacher when in Elementary school. The kids hated her. She eventually got fired because lots of parents complained about her. Eating should not be a "battle." That is not the point of meal time with the family. AND, for me, a child does not have to eat a certain amount of food everyday, at every meal. Even adults have VARYING appetites too, every day, and at meal times. So, to me, if I am not real hungry at dinner, I should not in turn expect my child to eat everything on their plate... because I would NOT like it if my Husband told me I couldn't leave the table unless I ate a certain amount which HE deemed to be satisfactory. A child, will not starve. Their appetites vary. Just like any adult. The POINT for eating, should be that a child learn about their body "cues." IF they are hungry and if they are "full"... they should go by their body. Not just eating because they have to.
I would not, make "dessert" an end all to dinner. If you or Hubby get to have dessert.. then you both should eat by your rules too. EVERYONE should have the same "rules" for dinner. Because as you see... he is just thinking about dessert first... and I wouldn't blame him, a 3 year old... just can't wait for dessert. I know many adults that way too. So, just make it a no-big-deal sort of thing. And phase out "dessert" as a "reward" or end-all to eating dinner. The focus is on the important part of the meal.

In a 3 year old... "full" impulse control is not even fully developed yet either. If "treats" are always the focus... then that is what a child will focus on... not the "moral" of the whole lesson like an Aesop's fable type lesson. The point of it all gets lost.
The book "Your 3 Year Old" is good, from www.amazon.com
Also remember that, certain routines can be very comforting and "special" for a child, and I can understand why he gets upset if a part is skipped. It is "his" routine. And he likes it. If you take it away... then, yes, he will get upset. But if the routine is getting LONGER and longer... it is up to you to not let it get longer. Don't let him decide. Put on an egg-timer.

Sometimes, when kids get TOO much leeway too, they will make things stretched out and take longer and longer. At this age, they have NO concept of time... so, take that into consideration. They don't know what 5 minutes feels like compared to 23 minutes. Not literally like adults. So, you need to guide them.

He is only 3. Keep expectations age appropriate.
Its good he behaves in school. He knows his role there. At home, a kid will display their good AND bad points. Just like an adult. Adults- they don't "mis-behave" at work either... but at home, their yucky traits can come out. They are home.

Kids don't need treats for every little thing. It can get out of hand.
They don't need to get punished for every little thing either. That can get out of hand. Not everything is a "chart" for behavior. BUT... a child does need to be taught about how to problem-solve, how to cooperate, how to express themselves, how to think on their own... and how to be a PART of the Family.... to be a "team" about it.... about "helping" too. Try giving him simple things to do in the house... just 1 or 2 things. Wipe the table, put your plate in the sink. SHOW him how OTHER things all tie into... the family... and how EVERYONE gets ready, brushes their teeth, goes to school or work... and how it all takes team work. Praise him... for things. Not everything has to be a power-struggle-battle.

A 3 year old child, is not going to "know" that dessert for him is only allowed 1-day-a-week-after-dinner. That is an abstract time construct for a child. Especially that age. So of course he is going to haggle over it and want it. He doesn't know "WHEN" that one day a week dessert for him, is, exactly. Its like saying to a child "Christmas is in 23.5 days. So wait until then." A 12 year old might be able to wait, but not a 3 year old... and until those 23.5 days has arrived, a mere child is going to ask quite often if it is time yet.

All the best,
Susan

you might try mixing up the routine a little. not getting rid of it but mixing it up. And at 3 he is old enough to understand specific things. Maybe ok he gets 1

Just a thought - maybe the treat after dinner is to much sugar for him?

You have received some good suggestions on charts, so I won't reiterate. I agree that not everything has to be rewarded though - sometimes you just have to do things, you know? But since the nighttime routine is what's tough for you, it might be a good place for some structure.

My friend has a saying that "You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to." So engaging & battling with him is a losing battle. Don't respond to endless haggling. He's getting a reward by controlling you and the situation.

On vegetables - some kids like to dip them, so a low-fat ranch dressing or some hummus might work. Otherwise - disguise them! Add pureed butternut squash to spaghetti sauce or mac & cheese. Make zucchini bread and call it "cake". Worked for us. Puree cooked veggies like broccoli and mix it into the water you use to make rice or couscous. I even saved the water I used to steam our veggies and used it instead of tap water for everything that absorbs water. My son also ate falafel because it was the same color as everything else he ate - TAN! So I mixed in wheat germ and veggies and flax seeds, and fried it up quickly in olive oil just to crisp up the outside, then finished cooking it on a cookie sheet in the oven. He loved it. Try sweet potato fries, baked in the oven with a little olive oil and even salt & pepper. Let him eat them with his fingers. If he eats hamburgers, grind up green peppers and broccoli and mix them in with the meat. I use half bison meat and half lean ground turkey, add pureed veggies and ground flax seeds, and he never knew the difference. I make a whole bunch at once, then freeze the patties separately, and just pop out what I need. I also put a lot of things you can't imagine into pancakes - put a little maple syrup on it (the real stuff, not the corn syrup), and he gobbled it up! You could look into Jessica Seinfeld's book "Deceptively Delicious" and also "The Sneaky Chef" - this 2nd one was designed for men who don't eat veggies, but you might be able to adapt some recipes for your family & child. Your library should have them.