Hi ladies, I need some advice :(
My husband and I have 3 beautiful, wonderful kids that we love and adore so much. We lately just added our 3rd baby. Girl 4, boy 3, new baby girl. Our oldest 2 kids are close in age and they do everything together, they r best friends. I feel like our 3rd child needs to have that too. I love being a mom and a wife and yet I run my business and do all the paperwork for my husband's business. At the same time, all house choirs and kids are on me. But I love it. Here is my problem: my husband does not think we should have another child. He don't really say why. He says it ll be hard financially but that's not true. We both have successfully businesses, I am able to work and be home with kids. We have 3 ski doos ( 2 brand new ones), a side by side and a quad, 2 trucks both new, a nice ski boat and an air plain. He seems to be completing all his dreams. All this stuff is paid for. The only payment we have is our mortgage. I drive a big truck that allows 8 passengers. So I don't see a problem with having another child. I'm very bad at getting my point across and I don't know how to start "the" conversation about more kids. I feel like I should do it soon tho because sometimes I hear him saying it's probably time to get "snip snip". I don't want to disappoint him by saying I want another child but I don't want to regret it for the rest of my life that I didn't at least try to convince him. I personally think the reason he don't want to have another child is that sometimes somewhere in my pregnancy I go thru a bit of a depression when I gain weight. And well last month in pregnancies I don't want to have sex. Please, please, help me with some argument points. I so t want it to be an argument or for him to feel like one of us wins and one don't. I want it to be a smooth conversation with him just hearing me out and seeing my point of view and hopefully we can agree. Thank you all in advance.
I defiantly don't feel like our family is complete. I know it's early to talk about # 4 when our 3rd baby is only 4 months old but I feel like if I don't start now, he ll just get fixed and that ll be it. I never wanted to have 4 kids until we started having kids. If we are to go with a 4th baby, I'd definitely wait till our youngest is close to 2 years old. However, I did love having kids 15 months apart. We actually never had the conversation of having another baby. I don't know how to even start. We just always knew we ll have 3 if God gives. But after having 3 and they r such blessings and such good kids, I really would like 1 more. I'm just too afraid to bring it up. If he says no, it ll be so final cuz I wouldn't want to push it but if I don't ask he ll never know that I actually want more. It's just easy to not know what the answer will be and just imagine in my head how great it ll be to have just one more baby.
Tell him that you want to have one more kiddo then you'd like to go get fixed instead of having a couple more..... Ask him if that fits with his plans.
You can't "convince" someone to have a child, or make him "agree" with you, he either wants another or he doesn't.
Also there's no guarantee the 4th and 3rd will be as close as the 1st and 2nd. I have a boy and two girls and you'd think the girls would be best buddies but they are not, as a matter of fact they are like oil and water.
I know you are in the sweet spot right now, but I have teenagers and I can tell you it does NOT get easier as they get older it only gets harder. Everything gets crazy expensive, the worries get bigger and bigger, the strain it puts on your marriage is tremendous.
Please only get pregnant if that's what BOTH of you really want. Try to slow down and enjoy the kids you already have. Once they start school they're going to need even more attention, not less.
You don't want to argue with him, you just want him to agree with you.
That's not going to happen.
There are no pretty words to "make" someone agree with you. They either do or don't.
You can tell him how you feel. You can tell him your logic.
In return, he can tell you how he feels. He can tell you his logic.
You can be grown ups and respect each other's feelings.
Having another baby is not something you can force on your spouse. How would you like it if, you didn't want a child and he forced you to have one?
I think you would resent that child and the responsibilities that go with it, along with resenting your spouse. It's not always about the money to support one, but the time and energy and focus it requires to support another life. Also, there are no gaurentees in life. You do not know if the next one might have disabilities, mental or physical. Are you prepared to have a little one with significantly increased special needs? Might not ever happen, but it might. It deserves some thought.
Listen
Do you want to have another child because you don't feel like your family is complete, or do you want another child just so your newest child will have a playmate? At 4, 3, and newborn, they should all be close enough in age to play together. You need to really evaluate why you want another before you convince your husband.
Your baby is just 4 months old. Why can't you enjoy the dynamics you have now and bond with this new baby instead of pining for another one already. Stop and smell the roses you currently have.
Is the real reason you want another baby to be a companion for this 4 month old? There are no guarantees that baby 3 and 4 will be as close as children 1 and 2. Having a baby so #3 has a companion is no reason to have a baby. You have a another baby if you feel that one more would complete your family.
You mention all the material things you have.... that's great. I'm not sure what a plain is though. What about college funds, retirement funds, wedding funds? There are a LOT that factors to consider when having children. As they get older and in school, sometimes they need you even more. I would hope that you want to be there for all of them and not spread yourself too thin.
I can see where hubby would consider stopping because he is the primary provider and it is scary when you think about obligations for children and family. You have to be prepared for anything.
Instead of approaching this topic already with hubby, why don't you enjoy your new baby for a while. Settle in to your new schedules and routines. When the time rolls around for the conversation, state your views.
If 1 party does not want another child, then it is end of discussion. You cannot manage to argue enough to "make" him change his mind. IF you approach it in a way that he feels tricked, then you risk the foundation of your marriage. It should not be an "argument", it should be a "discussion" based on regular COMMUNICATION between you and hubby.
We have 1 child and we both still feel very complete with our family. She turned 19 yesterday. We couldn't be happier with our decision. Our decision was based on our feelings and not financially. Our daughter is more than covered for college, wedding and we've just purchased a new condo for her as well. I can't imagine having more children and providing for them the way I feel I am obligated to do so as a parent.
Be thankful for what you have now and let things fall into place for the future.
Here are your "argument points". You can say this out loud, in a letter, or in your head (if you think you can heed the words) BEFORE you say "can I ask you how you feel about something?"
Hey Hubby, I'd love to hear about your thoughts on having another child. I love you and I respect you. I feel like you are a great Dad, a great husband and a great provider. So I'd like to know if you feel like our family is complete or if you are interested in trying for another child.
But I'd like you to be able to talk and tell me how you feel without me interrupting or trying to change your mind. Without me *getting my rebuttal* ready or trying to argue my point or make you agree with me. Instead, I'm just interested in knowing your point of view on how YOU see our family.
Then drop it until you really hear him out.
It sucks being told no when you really want something as precious as a baby but in my opinion the one who says no when it comes down to having more kids is the one who should get what they want. A kid isn't a puppy/snake.etc! There isn't any "well if you want one you take care of it."
I honestly think it would be a big mistake for you to push the subject no matter what points are brought up. All I can say is you can make your feelings known but don't expect his to change
I think you are making this too big, if he starts talking about getting snipped just tell him you are not totally ready to close the door on one more child and ask if it's cool to wait on a final decision when the baby is getting closer to 2 yrs old. For now I say focus on being a mom to an infant and don't sweat it, you know he doesn't want one now, so just chill. Good luck!
P.s. We have three and my baby is now 2 and I have NO, NONE, NADA desire for another. I love that my 6 and 4 yr olds run their bath, get themselves dressed, can set a table, play board games, play cards, ride scooters etc! I love that my baby still has some chunky lil' thighs and has baby qualities but he feeds himself, plays independently, is exploding with language. If my husband starting pushing for a fourth, I would FREAK out!!! So just prepare yourself to find a way to accept it if he never wants more, cuz he might not, I know I don't......good luck!
Having Kid 4 will not guarantee Kid 3 a playmate/built-in best friend. That all depends on the kids' personalities. Having a kid for the purpose of keeping another kid occupied isn't a good reason to have a kid.
If BOTH parents are not 100% on board with the idea of another baby, then the No vote wins by default.
We had three and I always felt that something was missing. It was that 4th child. Amusement rides are two to a car, dining room sets have six chairs usually, you get the picture. Our 4th was a huge blessing. By then, you were relaxed enough that at 1:30 in the morning and Daddy came home from work, letting your 14 month old have a snack with him was OK. She always went right back to sleep. Those are memories that can never be reproduced. She did this for years. Breakfast was the same. I went off to work. Bigger kids in school and baby and Daddy. Now we make those memories with our granddaughter who we babysit.
3 or 4 or 5...it's not a lot different, lol.
And the whole 9 months I can't imagine any woman wanting to be intimate. You are the one going through the pregnancy, so you get to rest and prepare.
If he's done, he's done and you should respect it. There is no guarantee that your younger two children will be "best friends". It just doesn't automatically work that way.
I'm sorry that I can't give you points on what you can say to convince him. I don't think that you should try. If the shoe were on the other foot, that you didn't want another baby and he did, I would say the same thing.
