3 Yr Old Daughters Behavior After W/e Visit W/dad

HI J.,

I hear doubt in your voice when it comes to your husband. Not knowing your history, I cannot comment on his honesty. However, putting your focus on his honesty doesn't sound like your priority in this situaiton. If it seems appropriate to you, I would recommend that you try to work WITH the dad instead of against him. Your solidarity with him will help your daughter. Focus wholeheartedly on her behavior and support her. It sounds like she is having emotional "withdrawl" types of behavior when she comes home from her dad's place. This is very normal. Children this young cannot necessarily articulate their sadness or other emotions so she will need your help to express them and process them. Because they cannot express them verbally, they express them subconsciously through their actions. I think your daughter needs reassurance and incredible love (which I'm sure you provide), as well as feelings of security as she makes these transitions from one home to another.

I hope this helps.

Good wishes to you all!

I think that she is behaving completely normal. My kids all went or still go to dad's for visitation and that first 2 - 3 days after they come back home is always he**. They whine, regress, argue, whatever - especially at this age (it didn't get better for my kids until the age of around 9 or 10). One kid wet the bed another wanted me to cut their food, ONE INSISTED ON BABY FOOD - SHE WAS 5 AT THE TIME. Of course, they were all little angels at their dad's house, they just saved this up for me :)

I always believed that their relationship with me was always the strongest and my house was where they felt safest, so they could do these things to me (really just an expression of different emotions) and know that I still love them. Dad is probably telling the truth and this is just how she is handling the transition.

You can handle her behavior how ever you feel comfortable. I had a routine that I did when the kids walked in the door from dads to start helping their minds and bodies know that "OK, you are home now, let's adjust." Although I was sensitive to the fact that transition is never easy, I still held them accountable for their actions - if they were being whiny, they had to have a rest, if they didn't want to walk, I wasn't going to carry them.

Good luck!

I am a child from divorced parents.
It is extremely difficult for a child to re adjust from one house to another. At 3 they can not comprehend why you two are not living in the same place and why they can only be with one of you at a time. It doesn't matter if you tell her every day what is going on. She hears you but it doesn't make sense in her mind.
So what if she has accidents or wants to be carried. She is only 3. Give her the extra cuddling she requires when she returns home. As she gets older things will make more sense to her.

It is enormously challenging for a child of any age (much less so very young) to understand why she must go from one house to the other. They cannot articulate their own feelings. The stresses it causes them will come out in changes of behavior. You don't say whether this is a new situation or you've been separated for quite some time. All I can say is stick to your guns with the behavior you expect, but offer her extra love and attention when you pick her up, or she's dropped off by Dad. Talk about it with her, she may not completely understand what you say, but she WILL feel your empathy and concern. The best thing of course is for you and her father to have the same rules and same atmosphere in both houses. Sorry you have to go through this Mom, am thinking positive thoughts for all three of you!

She may be suffering separation anxiety or grieving the loss of her life as she knew it. Whatever problems brought you to divorce, the child does not understand, nor does she know how to express her feelings. I suggest you first speak with ex regarding raising your child. You need to be together and she needs to see you are together. It does not matter what your differences are. You brought this child into the world together and you need to raise her together. Find a mediator that can help you talk to each other to resolve any issues that may be affecting the child. This may help you avoid placing the child in therapy.

Edit: I love Starr's response. It makes total sense.

Without knowing the households:

Is your daughter no longer "The Baby" at Dad's? Does she have a new baby brother or sister there? That can cause regression in ANY child, even in non-divorced families. If there is a new Baby, she may be going through the phase of wanting to have that kind of attention again. If that's the case, it's normal and you just need to help her work through the fact that being a Big Sister is a good thing and remind her of the cool things which she can do that the new Baby can't. :)

Also, does she see her grandparents, too, over these visits? Maybe there isn't a new Baby but instead Grandma & Grandpa aren't used to her being such a Big Girl and still see her as their Baby: she realizes that she doesn't HAVE to do the Big Girl things you listed when she is with them :)

She could also be testing how much control she has over her environment (you) by making demands which she knows you won't like. And, kije you alreafy guessed. the accident was exactly that - a coincidental accident.

You're doing a great job! Good Luck!

This kind of switching back and forth is very hard on children, especially those too young to verbalize their feelings.
Not to say they shouldn't have visits, but just to allow for the fact that these visits are somewhat confusing for them, especially if they happen somewhat rarely. Do you and your ex get along well enough to lengthen the transition time at the beginning and end of visits? Having the two of your together for an hour or so at either end may help her transition more smoothly.
Sometimes kids see mom as having abandoned them and so act out some revenge when they return to her, sometimes they are grieving the loss of dad yet again. (Sometimes it is both!) These are hard feelings to deal with for grown-ups let alone a little person with a very limited understanding of the world. Especially at 3 when they are big on imagination and still think that the world revolves entirely around them but are starting to realize how little of it they can control. Think about how scary it must be when they feel like everything happens because of them but they cannot control it.