By the time littles start using the word "NO!" with a sense of authority, they have heard it about a million times and have been impressed with its power. While this stage is more or less inevitable, one of the best ways to minimize it is to find alternatives yourself to saying no to the child. Instead of "No, don't do that," look for creative ways to say "Hey, try this!"
Examples: "No, you can't go down the slide again," becomes "Can you hop on one foot like this?" "No cookie now, it's almost dinner time," becomes "Let's decide which kind of cookie you want to have for dessert. We'll put it right here where you can see it. This one is yours right after dinner!" "No more play, it's time for your bath," becomes "Hey, let's go teach your rubber ducky how to swim!"
It's a bit challenging to notice yourself about to say no and find an alternative, but it can be very effective. Likewise, you can find positive or playful ways to reframe other situations, as well: "Why don't you show me how YOU would like your hair styled today?" (and then "help" her). Or, "Oh dear, I just saw the Tooth Grunge Critter peeking out of your mouth. Quick, let's go get The Weapon and brush him outta there!"
This tactic won't always work, and sometimes you'll still have to try a variety of strategies, but bear in mind that a 3yo is endlessly subjected to the will and scheduling needs of her parents, has very little impulse control yet, and play is her legitimate job (it's how she reinforces everything from language to social structure to motor skills). The busyness of modern life tends to cut into children's play time in ways that they find horribly frustrating, and then they are less able to find any willingness to cooperate.
Here's my list of favorite techniques for making life with a toddler happier for all:
1. Trust that she is not "trying" to be naughty. Children don't really want to cause problems or get in trouble if they have any other way at all to meet their own growing need for autonomy, independence, and control of their circumstances.
2. Adults have the practice and self-control to make most of life meet our grownup expectations. Your toddler doesn't know any of that yet, and it will be a while before she sees very much from your point of view. As exasperating as that is for you, she can't help it. It's just reality, and reality is easier to take if you can accept it.
3. Digging in heels and tantrums are a natural outcome of becoming more frustrated than the child is able to endure. This "new" behavior may seem to come out of the blue. The stress of travel and changing schedules, or illness, or any major change, may contribute.
4. When she wants something, empathize. Big time, and in the child's language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your little girl realizes you do care about what she wants, she's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from her. And there are lots of positive ways to approach this, rather than just saying no. They hear no so often, and they can be so frustrated by it. And they learn to tune it out. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," as in "Here, play with this," or "Can you hop over to me like a bunny?" instead of "No, don't touch that," or "Stop that and come here right now!" Save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous.
5. Keep it playful. Children learn primarily through play. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and cheerful approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your daughter's sense of humor is developing, and you'll both be happier if you can nurture that. (Also be aware that some "behaviors," like throwing, are a natural experimental activity for kids, a form of play that is programmed into them for the purpose of developing brain/body connections. Find plenty of "acceptable" play outlets for those repeating behaviors.)
6. There will also be times when you must have her cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy that she gets to play with only at those times or keep her as playfully engaged in the process as possible. This often requires creativity, because each child is different.
7. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want her to be doing anything differently, especially when she's grooving on her activity/play. All children absolutely hate unexpected transitions (and so do most adults). With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert one minute before making the change.)
8. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. Be calm. Be "as inevitable as the tides." Desperation will show, and even though she's too young to deliberately plan a power struggle, she will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve in an attempt to meet her own emotional needs. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.
9. Try to keep demands low when she's tired, over-managed, hungry, or sick. An already frustrated child doesn't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.
10. Get to know her most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some tempting object or food they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Baby-proof your home. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy she likes when you have to take something away from her, or a healthy treat when she wants a sugary snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into her determination to get something she wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing).
11. Avoid bribes, but let her work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if she gets to assist in advancing something good for herself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.
12. Be sure she gets lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If she has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and hers.
13. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers. Look at your parenting contract, and you'll find it in tiny print under "I agree to the following terms and sacrifices."
14. Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Especially with spanking: children may be scared, shocked, or shamed into cooperating, but behaving for the sake of avoiding pain isn't the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and demonstrations of what you DO want from her will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want her to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.
15. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your daughter, and make sure she knows. Remind yourself to do this even when you're tired or busy. Children seek attention and approval, and if she knows you're noticing her good moments, she'll try to create more of them. If she doesn't get that positive notice from you, she'll seek attention in other ways, and that often turns out to be misbehavior, because you notice it.
