4 Yr Old Putting a Guilt Trip on Me for Everything

Sometimes I think feeling guilty is just part of the female experience.

Should you feel guilty? From what you say, probably not. Will you feel guilty anyway? Yes. If you find out how to not feel needless guilt, clue me in.

He's playing you like a fiddle. Don't give in to whining. He's lucky he goes to the park that much. My daughter goes every other day... if that. Three times a day trips to the park? Then pushing your buttons to get more?

Tell him no. Just say NO. "Sorry Charlie, can't do it now, that's the way it is. Deal with it."

My daughter has started getting huffy and shooting back, "My name's not Charlie mom..." She's three. lol

.

My 4.5yo grandson does variations on this theme from time to time with his parents or me. It's a natural, spontaneous approach to maximizing whatever advantages he can. We have "minimized his maximizations" by simply acknowledging what it is he wants, really whole-heartedly empathizing, and, as Julie K. advises, even one-upping him on his wishes.

"Oh, yes, G, I so want to give you your bath. In fact, I wish I could TAKE a bath with you. I wish we could play together in the tub until our skin wrinkles! Wouldn't that be great?" Or, "You really wish I could help you with your teeth tonight, huh? I do such a good job, and you like how gentle I am. What would you like Daddy to do so you'll like the way he helps you better? Can you teach him your special signal for when you need to spit?"

Or some variation on those. Once he knows we've paid sincere attention to what he so strongly wishes for, he's able to reset his emotional response and cooperate. For the past year or so, this has worked at least 9 times out of 10. For the final 10%, we give him some of what he says he wants after he's done the necessaries. Mom can come in to see how clean his teeth are, or how funny his dad combed his wet hair, and everybody has a giggle.

Your putting a guilt trip on your self. if you already took him to the park twice today how can you feel guilty? what have you done wrong? first of all you already have admitted that you know he is the middle child so you give him that little extra umph so that is enough. you have to sit him down and let him know that sometimes you have things to do that do not include him. and everything you do is not for him. it's ok for him to only want you to do certain things for and with him but he has to realize everything is not for him to do. there are times when my 4 year old wants me to do things like put on his socks ( I cna't do it) and sometimes i know it;s for attention so i oblige him sometimes but 98% of the time i tell him put those socks on or you will be left. you need to get this behavior in check now or he will be doing this his whole life and everyday he is getting older. you don't want him being 21 playing these same games with you, do you? i wish oyu the best of luck!

Should you feel guilty doing what you have to do for the house, family, etc? NO! Should you feel guilty for over compensating? Not really, but you can work to correct it. He knows how to push your buttons so you're going to have to change your buttons around :) Good luck!

he's 4. he's doing what you have taught him works. he's too little to be consciously trying to guilt trip you, you're responsible for that. you're the adult. he's a little fellow who yes, wants you to devote every second to him. he's not bad for wanting that. but you need to stop letting this very small person be in charge of your grown-up feelings. he's too young to carry that burden.
what do you mean he won't 'let' your husband give him a bath? does he pick your husband up and cart him away from the tub?
does he also decide how the bills will be paid and how much the grocery budget should be?
step up to the plate here. he's 4.
khairete
S.

Well, I don't know. Could you be guilty of making him feel that you owe him something for "cursing" him with middle-child-ship? Could he be listening to what you say to others about having to compensate?

Or could he be doing a typical, ordinary four-year-old power-play thing? It's part of their job description. They have to do a certain amount of it before they turn five.

Seriously, please think about whether your worries may be helping your son to behave this way. You know your children are absolutely wonderful people (although not every single second) and you love them dearly no matter where they stand in the birth order! You might consider adjusting your mental picture - looking at them as three "only children" rather than a group. If that image helps you, use it. But drop the worries as much as you can, while you do the best you can. A goodly portion of people in this world start out as middle children, and live to tell about it. Save guilt feelings for times when you're really guilty of something!

Meanwhile, you get to deal with a little boy who wants to see how much power he can have over his mom. It's a great game and most children give it a try. You need to meet it with good humor as well as firmness. It's not true that you NEVER spend time with him. You know it and he knows it. Isn't it funny that he should try to pull that one on you? You know you took him to the park, you've read to him, you've played with him. Now you're going to do other work for the family - fixing dinner and cleaning up the house - and Daddy wants to take him to the park and bathe him because Daddy wants to be with his son, too! And that's the way it is, and you just love him all to pieces (hug).

Here's something else just to think about - I was guilty (gasp! That word!) of it with my children and perhaps all mothers are at times. When you spend time with your son (and each of your other children), be all there. When you talk with him, look him in the face; get down to his level physically if you can. Pay attention to HIM. Turn the cell phone off, or leave it somewhere else. Turn off the radio or the TV or the computer if they interfere. Be with him in mind as well as in body. Don't let your brain give precedence to tomorrow's schedule or what you need to tell your sister-in-law or whether all the bills will be paid. We all get into a terrible habit of multi-tasking and including our children among the "tasks." Single-task your mama-child time. (End of lecture - sorry.)

No you shouldn't feel guilty. He's old enough to understand that you need mommy time to get things done, and now he gets daddy time too, and how lucky he is that he has that.

Maybe, once a week, you can give him a mommy-date night so he can have alone time with you. I do that with my two boys, I take turns taking one out for ice cream once a week and they love it.

We also have a "late night up" rotation. Where one child gets a late night with with us, watching a show on the couch with popcorn. So, say, every Thursday is the late night, and each week a different child gets a turn.

In any case, you need to lay down the law to him and so does dad. Good luck!

He has found something in his life that he can control, you!! Put your foot down, be the mean Mom and take charge. Sometimes it takes just a day of being "mean" to get kids back in shape, then you can lighten up a little. Don't feel bad, you know you are a good Mom, your son is just trying to control you.

If you are spending quality time with him I don't think you should feel guilty. I'm assuming by your mention of being at the park twice and spending the entire day with him as being engaged time, because certainly our bodies can spend the time with the kids but our minds are elsewhere.

I would start prefacing the time together by saying... "OK, Paul we are going to play cars together for 20 minutes and after that I have to fold the laundry." Set a timer and try to keep to it with a warning of 2 minutes before the game ends. Maybe there isn't enough of a schedule for him to know what to expect. I think effective time for kids at this age is active play and then quieter play. So take him to the park and run around and then come home and set up coloring for him while you do something you need to get done.

I also would validate how he's feeling. It doesn't mean that you have to cave every time and go to the park. You just have to get on his level and say, "Oh, I wish I could go to the park with you all right now!!! Daddy gets to go with you this time so I can fix a yummy dinner for us. I'll see you soon." Kiss, hug and walk away.

When you say he won't let your husband do the dressing and grooming would alternate that. One day you do it the next day Daddy does it. Explain it to him ahead of time. "Daddy really wants to give you a bath too, so we are going to take turns. Tonight I'll give you a bath and tomorrow Daddy will do it." Since it's a new routine, you should remind him until he gets used to it.

Good for you for having a husband who is supportive and helps you!! Remember that your little guy will be a big kid soon and will have friends to play with instead of Mommy. Set your boundaries and keep yourself healthy, but enjoy this sweet time with him as well!

Good luck!

As mothers, we have certain beliefs that determine how we parent and how we feel about parenting. When there is difficulty or hesitation in disciplining and guilty feelings there are probably deep seated beliefs that you are not even aware of at work.

Some of these beliefs might be: "My child should not get overly upset," "it is my job to make sure my children are happy all the time","I am a bad mom if my children are upset", "I am responsible for everything my children feel","I should never do or say anything that will upset my children", " I am the only person that can make sure my children are safe, happy, and well cared for."

The way to overcome guilt is to examine what you are believing and to question those beliefs. Is it possible for anyone to be happy all of the time? Is there any value in a child not receiving everything they want and learning to soothe themselves? Can a child problem solve for themselves? Is it healthy for a mother to do everything for everyone all of the time? What is so horrible about other people feeling upset? What about you? Do you get to be the only person that feels bad? How are your beliefs effecting your physical, psychological, and mental health? If you were to take care of you first, would that support you being a better mom or would it make you a worse mom? What does it mean to be a bad mom? Are there any 'perfect' mothers out there and if you say yes what cost is there in her life for that perfection?

I learned early on in my children's lives that discipline-good, consistent, and appropriate-made all of our lives easier and happier. I also learned that guilt was a wasted emotion based on fear that stemmed from some seriously irrational belief systems. I also learned that self-care had to be my #1 priority or I would never become the mother my children actually needed me to be.

I also know that disappointment is created from unrealistic expectations. Our children often have certain expectations and those will not always be fulfilled. When they aren't, we can teach them how to deal with disappointment.

As several others responded, this is a time for you to learn to validate your children's feelings without fixing or changing the feelings. Feelings are not bad. They are just a natural response to circumstances. However, if you have passed on the belief that a child should never be disappointed they will react with negative emotions and do whatever they can to change the circumstances so they feel better. Instead we validate what they feel and we support them in learning tools that will help them express their feelings appropriately and then to respond differently to disappointment by shifting thieir beliefs of expectation.

M.,

No one can guilt you without your permission. A four year old is still innocent. You are his world, his safety net, his security blanket. He is only four and so that is okay.......to a point. It is also absolutely okay for you to get a break. Toughen up a little bit. He is safe with Daddy and you are encouraging independence sending him off without you. NO, DON'T FEEL GUILTY. It's okay. Life is not comfortable every minute of the day, so let your little 4 year old push out of comfort zone just a little bit and go without you to the park. It's up to you not to get hooked in when he says, "you never spend time with me." Answer him sweetly and give him a big hug and a kiss, "I love being with you, but right now I'm going to stay home and fix dinner." Don't explain any further. If he pushes, then stick with your mantra (I love you, and so does dad, so go have fun) or walk into the kitchen and start your work. You get the idea.

p.s. a break could also be reading a book or taking a nap. There is no need to feel guilty about that either.

I can so relate!! My daughter is 10 now, but all along, I've felt guilty. Like you, I do a ton of stuff with her, but I always feel bad if I don't go with her and dad to the park, pool, whatever. What I've noticed though, is that sometimes she tries the guilt trip, but sometimes she says nothing- it's me that feels bad. So to answer your question- you shouldn't feel guilty, but you probably will. :-)

Now for my practical advice. Make sure that when you are playing with him you are giving him all of your attention, not going through the motions. This helps alleviate your guilt. I know sometimes I'm playing with her, but really thinking about laundry, dinner, etc. If I know I've REALLY played with her, I'm more at peace when I don't/can't.

Make sure you don't fall into the trap. You don't need to go on about how bad you feel or justify why you can't do something (not saying you do this, but just in case). Be cheery and matter of fact. And then distract. "I had so much fun with you earlier at the park, and now while I make dinner, daddy will take you!". As he may whine now, distract with something like "remember that funny dog we saw? do you think he'll be there?" or "count how many people are wearing blue at the park and tell me when you get home". Things like that. Quick, to the point, no room for guilt.

Best of luck!

No, don't feel guilty. If you feel guilty, I should feel guilty. I love my children. Really, LOVE them, but I need breaks. In fact, right now my son is napping and my daughter is watching a movie so I can have this "me" time. I spend time with my kids, but a) I have things to do too and b) they need to learn to play on their own. It is important for kids to be able to entertain themselves. I say, you just tell your son, firmly but with no anger, just in that, "this is the last word on the subject" voice that you have things to get done and he needs to either go to the park with his dad or find something else to do. My daughter often sits at the bar and colors while I make dinner.
Do not feel guilty, you have other things to do and need to make time for yourself.

Do not allow this! It sounds like a little bit of this grew way out of control. Your son will like you better when he sees you demanding respect and being his boss. His vocabulary should not contain accusations about you not spending time with him at 4-where did he hear this? Have you said such things about yourself and he caught on? How does he "not let" his dad do stuff, and why is he allowed to cry if you don't play with him? Are tantrums condoned?
Momma-take your life back!!! I have three as well, and they all know what I say goes. They are not allowed tantrums, and they must entertain themselves when I have work to do, which is often because their dad always travels and I run the whole house. It is my responsibility to be good to them and play with them, but I'm the mom and I cannot always do that, and they respect my time. Get the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson and check out the website www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com Good luck, be firm! This could get UGLY as he gets older if you don't watch out!

He has figured out quickly, the squeeky wheel gets the grease. My middle child/ son was also the one to scream loudest that his needs wern't being met. I grew that monster by catering to him first. He would get his breakfast even before the baby- the baby would stick her thumb in her mouth and be patient so I catered to him because he was screaming and crying. It is a natural mom instinct to do this- even mother birds will feed the loudest chick first! But is it the wisest thing to do?- no.
Over the years it has grown into a bigger issue. At 10 he is the WHINER in the family, never satisfied with what he has got, never thankful, and get's angry/grunts or throws something when I ask him to do things like take out the garbage. After we take him somewhere cool and spend all this time and money- he starts complaining the minute it is over how we never take him anywhere!!! I sure as heck don't feel guilty about his selfishness, I feel angry.

These traits are: selfishness, self centeredness, ungratefulness and impatience. If you think little, little kids cant have these traits, think again. It is the result of having the sinful nature we were all born with.
We help ingrain these sinful traits deeper when we are more concerned with thier comfort than with character. We must NOT cater to their every whim. You must foster and build up his patience so that he can learn to wait. You must not give him his every desire.. I know you want to, but withholding that builds up thankfulness and selfLESSness. You must show him by example how you share in taking care of the needs of others in the family also. Example; he says "mommy, I want to go to the park for the second time today." Your answer: "I already took care of your need for that today. Now I need to take care of someone else's need (take a nap, play with sissy, talk with my husband, whatever.)

Build those good character traits now, while they are still young and more maleable. It is MUCH harder to try to train them when they are older and set in thier ways. By about 6 or 7 yrs old, the basic character is already set.

You are creating a monster.
Be firm. Be consistent.
Dad needs to take turns...
If 4yr old doesn't like it - too bad!
LBC

Don't feel guilty. I know it is hard, especially with the middle child (I flip out over the middle child syndrome too). Needless to say, kids are SO smart and pick up on everything we do and sometimes as parents we over-compensate and create a problem as you have learned. Unfortunately the only thing that really works is to undo it and you guessed it, it is hard and painful. They will guilt trip you, work you, cry, etc. Somehow you just have to tough it out and keep encouraging them that you love them but have to do other things as well but it doesn't mean you love them any less. One thing I have been reminded of over and over is that the more I let them see that I am upset the more they continue the behavior because it is working.

Good luck, it's rough.

don't feel guilty...he's four and testing boundries, you, etc. second, you do need to run errands and clean and cook etc, tell your son if he wants more time, he's going to have to help out with cleaning and things. further more, stop coddling him, not intentional, i know, but he's at an age where a, dad can bathe him, b, he can dress himself and brush his teeth, c, start doing chores around the house(come on, how old were you when your parents gave you chores?) and d, he's a big boy, so throwing a tantrum is inappropiate at his age, believe me, going through something similar with my own 3 year old boy, also the middle child. be firm and consistent with him, good luck.
A.
ps, your mom, not superwoman, and yeah, you both need and DESERVE a break from time to time, if not daily

Middle children are great at guilt trips. If my middle child spent 1/2 of the energy she spends seeking injustice in her day on anything else she would master it in no time. Don't let him get ya down. Just do the best you can by all your children everyday. You can't please them all at once I have come to realize this goes for my kiddos too.

wow that is ODD. 4 YO's should not know how to make U feel guilty.. I think its YOU who is feeling guilty.. Remember, you are as happy as you make believe you are.. and hence, you'd be as guilty as you made believe you are ;) If you feel in your heart you're giving him enough time, then that's good enough. The best thing for your 4YO is to read him books at night - and let him beg for 2 or 3. Nothing better than to get him interested in reading!
PS: What does your husband think? (get another adult's opinion)

I have one of those. My son is also 4 years old and also a middle child. I feel very similar to how you feel. I also have three children; my oldest is 6 years old and the youngest is 4 months old. We did find an awesome book to help my 4 year old cope. It's called "Middle Child Blues" by Kristin Crow. But, even with the book, he comes to me saying I never spend time with him, even though I spend all day with him. Sometimes, I need a break from him, too. We are trying to find him a preschool that isn't too expensive. I have thought of trying to find a joy school, so that I can have my time to myself and also be involved with his education, while he is a preschooler. I don't think you should feel guilty at all, which I should tell myself also. I think we just need to move forward and take some time away from our 4 year old, middle children. Good luck.

I have been in your shoes!!! This is what works for me and my 4 year old daughter. I make a schedule for her using pictures and a few words. It has a picture of mommy cleaning, the next picture is kids choice, then a picture of mommy doing laundry, then kids choice, sometimes it will be two pictures of mommy and only one picture of kids choice. If we have to run to Walmart I put a picture of that in it etc. Oh, and I am a horrible artist. I mean really bad. I just hand draw it and she usually asks me what the picture is. That is why I write Mom for mine and kids choice for hers. In the beginning I would set a timer for 30 minutes. The rule was for that 30 minutes mommy would be working, then reset the timer and she had my attention for the next 30 minutes. I tried doing it shorter but I really needed to full 30 to sweep and mop or fold and put laundry away. Just a suggestion. Hope it helps.

Oh my sweet. NO don't feel guilty. One thing you can do is keep a mental or real checklist of all the things you do throughout the day for your children: ex: fed breakfast, did laundry so they have clothes to wear, took them to the park, brought snacks to the park, loved on them when they got an owie, helped fix the "huge" problem they were having while playing pretend, fixed lunch, cut off all the crusts just how they like it, cleaned up breakfast and lunch, read them stories before nap time....etc! Mom's do SOOOO much throughout the day- do NOT feel like you aren't doing enough. anytime you start feeling like you aren't doing enough for him refer back to your checklist of things you've already done for him. you can even go over that list with him- it will show him that you DO LOTS of things just for him. start "letting" your husband do the bathing, and dressing. keep reassuring him of your love and explain that sometimes mommies need breaks too. hang in there hun!!!