Should I Be Going Out More? (The Guilt)

I think you should go out, definitely. Every mother needs a break and every child needs to know that parents need adult time. Especially if you are a single parent -- you really deserve a break!

My daughter will try guilting us once in a while (we only go out like 4 times a year together and I go out alone or with a friend about once a month). However, I try not to let the guilt bother me b/c I'm home with my daughter all day every day and I need a break and some adult time. I know she is perfectly fine (either my husband or my parents watch her), and it is good for her to be taken care of by others.

I know it is hard, but try not to feel guilty. Having some adult time is good for you and will make you a better mother.

I'm married and I go out even less frequently. I go only go out a few times a year and my kids lay the guilt trip on me every single time. I leave them with their own dad who they see every day and is a good daddy and they still do this.

My eldest is 10 years old, and it's not just that she "misses" me but that she thinks she's "missing out" on fun that I'm having and she's not having. My 6 year old doesn't understand that there are times I need to take a break from being a mom and can be happy when I'm not around them and therefore why would I ever want to leave unless it's to run errands?

I try to compare it to when the girls ask to go play with their own friends on play dates. Mommy needs play dates sometimes with friends her own age.

Awwwww. this is so hard. Here is my two cents.

The thing is when you DO go out you are modeling to your daughter many good things. Things like:

I have my own life. I am taking care of myself and my wants/needs. You are okay without me. It's okay for you to have your own wants/needs. I love you and so I only leave you in safe situations...... I go out to take care of myself and you should be able to love others while taking care of yourself too.

I believe in our society it is hard for women. We have been trained to "serve" and end up feeling a little resentful sometimes because we forget to take care of ourselves.

I'm not suggesting you go places you don't want to go, but will you have fun once you get there? Is the reason you are not going because you don't want to leave your daughter and upset her? So I AM suggesting if you would like to go or know you will have fun once you get there then you should go. One or two times a week is certainly reasonable.

Yes, bottom line. It would be good for you and your daughter to go out a bit more.

Your daughter misses you and feels sad. You give her hugs, reassure her and go. That is the way it should be. This is normal.

My 10 yo granddaughter frequently gets tears in her eyes when I leave her house, after a short visit. We live in the same town and see each other several times a week. Yet she does feel sad when I leave and so do I much of the time. Sad is a normal feeling when leaving even tho the leaving is temporary.

Don't feel guilty. Do go out. Your daughter has her grandmother while you're gone. How does your daughter act after you've left. If, as I suspect, it's life as usual, your daughter's tears are normal and not an indication that you should do anything differently.

If your daughter continues to feel sad and mopes around after you leave, I suggest that she's feeling insecure and that you have several short talks with her about how she's feeling. Something more may be going on.

I say, enjoy this time when she's sad you're leaving. Soon enough she won't have time for you. Just give her hugs and reassuring words and go on your way. I know it's difficult. We want our children to be happy. However, full time happiness is as unhealthy as full time sadness. We learn how to deal with our feelings by experiencing them.

Go and have fun.

.

It's OK for her to feel sad when you leave and it's OK for you to feel bad to see her tears. However, sometimes we have to do things that make us uncomfortable in order to grow. If you avoid going out because you are afraid your daughter will cry, eventually you are going to feel stuck.

Go out, have fun, and let your daughter talk about her feelings. I agree with your mom and sis that if you went out more often, it will seem more routine.

I am a child of divorce and my mom went out. I was fine with it, but my little sister could get weepy sometimes. Of course she would perk right up after about 15 minutes after my mom left.. All it took was to pull out a game, play dress up or promise her a treat and she was done with the crying..

What I find kind of interesting is that once she was separated and now divorced, she went out lots more than my mom ever did. So I guess she flet it had not damaged her in the long run.. Hee, hee..

I don't think it has to do with how often or rarely you go out. Some kids just don't like changes. (In fact, if she's a sensitive child, going out more could make it worse). I think a more important thing to look at is how she is after you've gone. Most kids will settle down and have a fairly good time once mom's actually gone. Make sure she has a good place to sleep (some kids just don't do well on the couch). Also talk to her when you pick her up about what she did - does it sound like she had fun and were there enough child-appropriate activities for her? (I hated going to my dad's for overnighters because we slept on couch or floor in sleeping bag and there was little for us to do, even the tv was only to his shows, which were boring for an 8 year old). Maybe try an overnighter with her at grandma's, too, to see if that helps her become more comfortable.

You mention being a single parent; I don't know if this is recent or not, but if it is, also look at the circumstances about dad being gone. Maybe she's scared because dad left and she wants to know for sure that mom isn't going to leave too - that just takes time (and sometimes a counselor to talk to who isn't emotionally invested in the situation, so she can safely work out all her fears without upsetting the other person).

you got a lot of great *serious* advice so i will throw in something a bit different; next time your DD wants to be with friends you can get teary eyed & tell her but don't go i will miss you too much......sometimes kids and adults need the tables turned on them so they can see how they are acting

we all need breaks, whether we are SAHM, Single moms, married moms, working moms etc. It's important that everyone has friends or has some alone time, so never feel guilty about going out every 4-6 weeks & I would say that even if you were married :)

The breaks are important for you, and your daughter seems to be expressing a genuine need. Some kids need much more parental contact and reassurance than others, and "getting used to" separation from parents is a bit like "getting used to" separation from food. It's really that essential for some children, while others might be independent explorers from a much earlier age. The best you can do is to keep your needs in balance. Not always easy.

I think you need to go out more and agree that your daughter needs to see that it's important for women to take care of themselves. She is old enough to express some of her feelings so see if you can talk about it with her - but not when you are dropping her off. What is it that she is upset about? That you might not come back? That you don't love her/need her? (Yet she goes to school and is apart from you then.) Is it the absence of you AND a new surroundings that combine to make her more sad or anxious. Is she afraid you will leave her as (perhaps) her father did (if there was ever a father in the picture) - I'm not being nosy, just raising a possibility.

Is there a way that someone can stay with her in her own house rather than her being dropped off someplace else? Can she begin to see the extended family as a strength, that so many people love her and love you? Maybe make a family tree for her or a photo collage that shows your mom, your sister, others? Sometimes something visual really helps.

Maybe there's something of yours she would like to take with her to Granny's? A shirt of yours she can sleep in as a nightie, a photo, anything that comforts her? A tape of your voice lulling her to sleep and assuring her of your love?

I think you need to continue to take care of yourself and go on the girly weekend. Your daughter will be going to slumber parties and she can think of them as fun things too.

It's good that you recognize this as sadness and not a tantrum. But something is eating at her and it might help if she can verbalize it and take away its power over her.

Good luck.

I know the guilt and i dont date just for that reason. I know i should! A happy mom is a happy family. You cant be with her 24/7. You need to go out and do fun things. I remember one time my daughter was running down the road chasing after my call after i dropped her off at grandmas. I came around the other side of hte block and a neighbor down the road saw it. I asked him if i should go get her, he said NO! I do too, but havent done it yet. I would wrestle with the same thing about going for a weekend. You need to explore and have an adult life and the kids need space from you and relationships with other people too. They might not want you but You are the Boss and you make the rules. If it was their choice they might not eat fruits and vegetables but you know what is right and good for them. I dont know if this helps but we are in the same boat.

My husband and I travelled a lot with his company. They flew us all over the place.
My daugher was dfferent, she loved shopping with me, helping me pick out outfits and pack. She loved being with her Nannie and Grandpa. They had acreage, a horse, a goat, chickens. They went out to dinner, to see movies. She usually wasn't ready to leave when we came to get her.
I guess was was lucky. I knew a lady whose kid would literally throw the biggest fit and hang on her legs and say he wouldn't let her leave. He was fine going places without her, but the other way around, no way. He dragged it out so long that there was really no longer any point in going. He was way too old to be acting like that. I mean, we're talking about her not being able to go the bra store by herself. She finally just kept things brief. Peeled him off of her, hugged him, told her she loved him and she'd be back and left. Screaming kid or not.
He did get better the more she left and just kept things brief.
It's hard, but you can't feel guilty about it. You shouldn't feel guilty about it.
Knowing my friend's kid, he would have nagged her at the bra store until she finally left with no bra just to shut him up. He would have nagged about wanting a toy or to going into the arcade. And she would have taken him, just to shut him up.
I'm not saying all kids are like that, but they can learn that it's perfectly okay for mom to go places where the kid doesn't need to go. Moma can learn that too and leave the guilt behid.
I think you just need a little more practice.

Try dropping the guilt.
Best wishes.

F.
I just wanted to add something. YOU MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT! I have something similiar.
My daughter and I are very close. BUT it is because I have made her feel important to me. She would do the same thing to me when I would go out. Hang on me, hug kiss, and look sad. It was hard for her to deal with the fact that for that one night, she was not the priority, I was. She would call me when I was out to check on me, then get mad at me if I didn't answer. I did not go out often either, maybe once every other month!! This went on from the time she was 9 or 10 until she was 12. I totally blame myself. She is the youngest her brothers are 6 and 7 yrs older. She is my only girl. I knew she was my last, so I have totally spoiled her.
I really don't think it matters if you go out more often, your daughter will still react the same way. The most important thing is the time you are with her, she is your number one priority. When you do that it helps alleviate some of the guilt.
Keep doing what you are doing F.!! It will all work out. They grow up!! They get their own friends, then you are the one standing at the door watching them go out!!
Good luck and GOD BLESS!!
D.

Not if it doesn't feel right to you. People push me all the time to go out more or stay out later than just dinner. But I'm the one that has to go home and take care of the kids and housework. Quite frankly I'm too exhausted half the time to even care to go out or not. I only go out with friends to eat once every couple months or so - and that I just started doing in March. (so a whole 2 times!) and then I have a friend that we will go to a chick flick every month or 2. But sometimes we also take along the girls (hers 14 mine 12 - my youngest now I usually leave w/Grandparents). When people pressure me to do more, I just tell them when it doesn't feel like I'm in the wrong place when I'm out then I'll go out more. But for now, it's not something I need. When my 12 year old was about your daughter's age was about the time I started to go out a little more often but even then it was only once a month at most. I'd rather spend that money on other things.

Hmmm -is anything else going on in her life? No, I do not think an 8 year old should be having this reaction about you going out once a month while she spends the night at her grandmother's. Do they have fun together or is it really boring for her? Just asking to see if maybe THAT is the reason behind it. You need to do what you want and feel is okay, but it certainly wouldn't hurt you to go out once a week with some girlfriends or on a date or whatever (or even some shopping and a movie or something by yourself! -alone time is precious to me). I would DEFINITELY go to your cousin's girly weekend. Sit down with your daughter and really talk to her. Ask her why she is so upset when you go out and she spends the night with grandma, and listen to her answers. If it's really only about missing you, tell her that's incredibly sweet, and that you really love her and always miss her when you're gone, but that there are grown up things that you want and need to do on your own. Let her know that you have desires and needs as well -and they don't all center on her. My boys are only 2 and 5 and they have known from the beginning that mommy needs her time on her own and mommy and daddy need their time without kids too! It's okay! Often really talking to a child and explaining things helps a lot, and at age 8, she can certainly understand this.