4 Yr Old with Severve Temper Problem

Get daddy to spend more one-on-one time with him away from home. As soon as he begins to be unmanageable put him in his room until he can be nice.

If he's fine with you, but bad for daddy, sounds like he's needing some extra attention from him. Try a sticker reward chart - if you earn 5 stickers you get a "date" with daddy - maybe a $1 movie, or a cone at Arctic Circle. As it gets warmer these could be outings at the park. They don't have to cost much, it might just be craving the time.
If it's really, really bad talk to the Doc. We are foster/adopt parents and some kids need anti-anxiety drugs. How if he sleeping at night? If he is way over tired, he will definitely throw more tantrums in the evening. Good Luck!

It has been greatest aha moment when one of my really good friend said that kiddo's have tantrums when there is an underlying issue. I had never thought about it I just thought that is bad behaviour and that they needed to stop. (My four year old was throwing some royal tantrums every morning at breakfast that would last up to 2 hours, then again at bedtime during this time I had just started a new job). We learned through some play therapy that she was angry at me because I wasen't around as much and that she didn't really know how to express that other than when I was around to throw a tantrum so I would pay attention to her. Has life changed in your son and your husbands relationship? Is your son jelous of your hubby? Maybe Dad can do some one on one time with him as soon as he get's home for 10 minutes before dinner. That really helped in our house.

good luck!

Hello B.,

Just know that there's hope and it does end. I went through a similiar experience. What we did is we sometimes took my daughter to Chuck E Cheese or something like that for dinner. You can also try and get him involved in cooking with you....making a cake. You can even try dressing up for dinner. Making it a more enjoyable thing to look forward to. Bed time is usually a bit more challenging, but I promise you, try making him do some sort of major physical activity during the day, but especially in the evening before bed. You can go for a long walk and ask him how he's feeling inside. He'll talk and talk and before you know it, he'll be exhausted. If you don't have an animal, maybe you could get one and say unless you eat dinner, we won't be able to take roofus out for his walk and he really needs to go potty. If you do have a dog, go for a consistent walk before bed. I know with this weather it is hard, so you guys can alternate the outside walks to an inside dance session or major wrestling time. If all this still doesn't work, just know that we will be praying for you.......all things can be achieved through prayer.

Your Mamasource friend!

Hi B.,

I think he needs some daddy/son one on one time when his dad gets home. Maybe let them play a bit before dinner to help ease into dinner time. He may also be frustrated that things didn't work out between his biomom and his dad, so their may need to be some counseling involved.

As for the tempertantrums and not eating, well I would suggest letting natural consequences happen to his misbehavior. If he doesn't eat in a reasonable time, then he misses dinner and goes to bed hungry. No snacks! He won't end up starving to death, because kids will eventually get the idea and eat to meet their needs at dinner time.
As for bed time, no matter how much he protests, be firm, in control of your emotions, go through his bedtime routine (bath, teethbrushing, etc), then put his jammies on, tuck him into bed and leave the room. If he gets back out of bed, tell him it's time for bed and take him right back to bed. The second time he gets out, tell him again, its bedtime and tuck him back in. The third and other consecutive times, don't say anything (and try to not even make eye contact)take him by the hand and put him back to bed. It takes awhile, but it works. It worked for my kids. When they get out of bed and through tantrums, they are looking for attention, whether positive or negative. Bedtime is not that time. And after he gets to bed, the next morning shower him with lots of good attention by maybe making his favorite breakfast or something.

Hope this helps..I know it's not much fun. Good luck!

Make sure the same rules apply when your husband is home as when you have your son during the day. My suggestion as when your husband gets home that he gives your son some time of undivided attention.
As far as dinner, have him leave the table if he won't sit still and eat, period. Then no snacks afterwards. If he comes back and says he is hungry, whip back out his plate. My kids both know they dinner time is just that and no dessert or snacks later if they don't eat. I don't make them finish every single thing but they are to use manners, eat most of their dinner and drink their milk before they may get down. I have put both of my kids to bed probably hungry, which isn't not a bad thing as it took those few times for them to figure out I meant business.
My son the other night was showing his sister his food, kicking her under the table and after one warning I pulled him down from the table, he had to sit on the couch while we chatted and finished dinner, then he came back to the table and had to eat his dinner alone while I cleaned up the kitchen. He did not like that and apologized big time.
Also with the bedtimes maybe change the routine at bedtime. My kids get a story every night, if they get ready for bed nicely without arguements they get two, if they don't pitch a fit about going to bed then they get three.
Also try a reward/bad behavior chart so he has a visual, there is nothing wrong with taking toys away, priviledges away and so on.
One thing I have started and it is working wonders is the first infraction after coming in from school it is a warning, the second is jammies being put on (even if it is 4pm), t and finally the last infraction it is straight to bed with no discussion. I rarely have one problem after jammies are put on! That hits the point home. I think that is ample time to get it together and believe me there have been times when my daughter has been in bed at 6pm! But she learns and it doesn't happen again anytime soon.
She comes home from school kind of tired at between 3 and 6pm are hard on us as a family as both kids are irratible and grumpy, hungry and tired so I just instilled those rules big time during that time of day and it has worked wonders. I think a lot of kids between this time are just winding down from the day and are tired. Try moving his bedtime up a little bit too and see if that helps.
Good luck we all have been through these "temper" phases at one point or the other! :)

Hi B.,
I'm the mother of 4 3 of them boys. You've received some great advice from the others. I'm a social worker and have worked with many families. I'm no expert but have a few thoughts to add to your list of ideas. The first thing that jumped out at me is a 3 month old baby. Dad is the 4 year olds dad too correct? This may be a big part of the problem. Children this young cannot articulate their thoughts well as you are seeing but do express their emotions. He may be angry, scared, jealous. Also, my 4 yr old does some of the same things your son does. Sometimes he's just a nightmare. Choose your battles. Your pediatrition will tell you that kids will eat when they are hungry. If my son does not eat then he can't have anything else until he eats what's for dinner. That means it sometimes requires covering and re-heating later. If he's hungry then he'll eat. My kids sometimes snack because they are bored. Hope this helps.
T.

Hello B., I highly recommend the book, "How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish. This book can help you understand your son's reaction to his dad and give tons of skills for responding to him effectively. Hang in there. ~T.

The best thing to do is to make sure you and your husband NEVER lose your temper in front of him. This tells him that it's okay to lose it. I come from a family where all of us are even tempered except for one sister. She would blow up frequently. When she got older, unfortunately I mean a lot older like late high school, she would get embarrassed when she lost her temper because the rest of us were always in control. Soon after she stopped losing her temper altogether. Just be sure that you never reinforce his behavior by losing your temper.

Sometimes my little 3, soon to be 4 year old girl does the same thing. I find that by dinner she needs a nap. But it's too late in the day so she stays up. I have started giving her dinner in courses and I make a big deal when she eats her first course, (salad or sidedish). Then I give her the main course and she's been eating very well. When there's dessert, I make her clear her plate and compliment her very specifically about what she's done that was good. (Oh wow, you ate all your salad. I like that you ate that! etc.) My children have to clean up before they get dessert and I find dessert is sometimes a blessing because it gets things done for me. But I make sure to encourage them with or without dessert. I make sure they all have their share of age appropriate duties and I find that making a big positive deal about it is very helpful, especially for my 3 year old, and you know what? My 9 year old too!
And the thing with Dad coming home? My husband is away a lot and I make sure he spends lots of time with the kids. I find the more time he spends with them, the more they learn to respect and listen.

Hello,

I just was thinking maybe a website called handipoints.com maybe would help you. It is a site where you can create your own chore chart and put goals for you child to work towards. Then when they get enough points they get rewarded in some way. Check it out. I have not signed up yet but it looks like something worth a try. You can create a chore list with eating dinner, take a bath, and go to bed on time. I think maybe if he has something to work toward then he would not act out as bad. Let me know if it helps!

Good Luck :)

when my son was going through the terrible toddler years he would throw temper tantrums pretty often. what i finally did when nothing else worked was counting with him until he calmed down. not counting for him to stop, like 1,2,3 now you're in trouble, but just counting. my son really likes numbers and letters so eventually he'd calm down and start counting with me. just be patient, he'll most likely grow out of it in a while. most kids do. i hope this helps. good luck.

Sounds like he is acting out to get dad's attention. Instead of punishing him --- encourage son and dad to spend some quality time together. You'll probably have to take the lead because men are clueless. When my husband comes home from work I have him play with the kids while I cook dinner and do chores. Your husband can read the paper and/or watch tv and/or exercise later --- when the kids are in bed. Children want their parents' attention and they'll do whatever they can to get it --- whether it's acting in a postive or negative way. Give him attention & love and reward him when he behaves correctly. I think the toughest thing will be getting your husband to play a role. Sons need their dads. Period.

What changes when Dad gets home? Do the rules in the house change? Are things more strict when Dad gets home? We have experienced the same thing, but not to such a level. My children are more difficult and their behavior is not as good when my husband gets home. I have talked to him about it many times and things have gotten better. He has his way and I have mine...when he's home, he tends to want to dominate and have things his way (of course). Anyway, I've let him know that my rules are my rules and although I definitely consider what my husband has to say, the reality is that I'm at home with the children when he's traveling and when he's at work and I'm just not game for upholding rules he has created that I do not agree with. The children have to have stability within the rules of the house or they start to go nuts. We haven't reached perfection yet, but we are doing pretty darn well and I doubt perfection is a reality, anyway. He has let go more of how he thinks things should be and has let himself learn and follow from what I do. The great side of this is that when Dad gets involved in discipline, etc., boy do they listen.

My advice is this. Since he starts to throw the temper tantrum when your husband comes home maybe he is trying to get attention from him or you. So I suggest that each of you spend "special time " with him every day if need be. What you do is you tell him that it is special time and whoever mostly your husband though will spend 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with him no tv computer or electronic games. Let the child pick the activity. There is no teaching during this time however the child wants to play is the way you play it. While you are with him make sure to go out of your way to compliment him give him praise and know that is doing a good job and is loved. It will take lots of days or even weeks of doing this but a bond will form and the child will know that he is getting your attention in a good way instead of a bad way so if both of you could give him special time. Maybe switch off days. Also keep up with the time outs for bad behavior but make sure you praise him when he is doing something he is supposed to be doing. And make sure your husband does the same. We did this and it works. It is hard but your children will come away feeling loved and not trying to get your attention in bad ways. Because bad attention is better than no attention at all.

Boy, does this boy weild power!! Even with the waiting game he's getting his way. He won't starve if you just don't give him dinner. He's controling the both of you with this game. With no emotions at all take his dinner away from him. Don't pay him attention while you two eat.
How ever be sure to pay him great attention to good behavior, stating how proud you are of his 'big boy' behavior....

B.,

What's the rest of the story? Is the birth mom in his life? Is he perhaps showing his resentment toward his dad for the loss of his mom, or for replacing her with you? If you have a good relationship with him and his dad doesn't, that is a possibility, and not that unusual.

A bit of advice. Don't keep trying things so much that you're not consistent with them. As far as the eating, the vast majority of pediatricians and child psychologists will tell you that he'll eat if he's hungry, he's just trying to manipulate you (and it sounds like he's succeeding). Give him a set amount of time to eat, making certain that it's clear that this means no snacks to supplement dinner, and stick to it. A timer might help as well. Don't mention snacks before bed or anything, and consider doing that, perhaps some yogurt or something so he's not going to bed totally hungry. It sounds a little odd, but if you don't relate that to dinner he won't make the connection. One thing we adults forget is that a child's brain is still developing and that they don't make the same connections we do. (It's part of our job to teach them how to do that). So if you establish a bedtime snack as routine, set a time limit on dinner and don't play his game, you'll eventually get a result. This is hard to do, since we want to make certain our children's physical needs are adequately addressed and tend to want to "make certain they eat". That's when we need to realize that they are really the ones in charge of that, within the parameters we set. If you keep moving the boundaries you'll never get results because the child can't figure out what they are. This one issue, and how you handle it, will set the stage for many other confrontations later. You could also be dealing with other behavioral issues that are playing into this, exacerbating his willfulness, but that's irrelevant as the approach is still the same, you just have to be nearly unyielding.

I hope this gives you either some ideas or some insight.

Good parenting!

S.

DON'T ignore him. If you do that, he will throw a bigger tantrum to try and get your attention. You need to tell him that if he doesn't eat dinner, then he doesn't get anything else to eat, or you could have dessert one night and tell him if he wants any he will have to eat all of his dinner. When he throws tatrums during the day then maybe take away one of his favorite toys and tell him if he wants it back, he needs to be nice and knock off the attitude. You need to be sure that you show him your the boss, and that he isn't.

My first thought is that since he does it when his dad gets home he is craving his dads attention. I would have your husband make sure to take some one on one time for him. I really, really think that is the cause. As adults you may think that he spends enough time with your son, but in the mind of a little kid, that isn't always true.
As for stopping the temper tantrums, the only thing that really works is consistency. Figure out what you want to do when he throws a fit, and stick to it.