41Y/o( First Wifes(deceased)) Daughter Issues!!!!!

Have you been with your husband for 9 years and married him this summer? How have you presented yourself to her? Have you been warm and welcoming to her and her family? I don't understand the NO BIOLOGICAL ties. Who doesn't have biological ties?

I find this very confusing.

no, it's not.

this is a family pattern that was set before you and doesn't involve you. you don't like the daughter or her husband or their kid. they doubtless don't like you either.

you already said you've stopped trying. so stop.

stop fuming. stop saying mean things about them. stop paying attention to the mean things they say about you. stop using multiple exclamation points and question marks. stop expecting miracles.

this situation calls for either disengagement or a full on attempt to integrate yourself into this family. you've made your choice.

deal with it.
khairete
S.

According to you, her own biological father will not talk to her and she was the cause of her biological father and mother getting divorced. On top of that, the granddaughter menaces you with weapons and they rifle through personal areas of your home when they visit. Additionally, it sounds like your husband started "fathering" this daughter at 18, but her mother has been dead for at least 9 years.

Something is seriously wrong here, but for the sake of argument, let's say you are being truthful, and this demonically possessed, non-biologically related to anyone and her devil offspring and spouse show up unannounced to wage war on you and your home at various times. Why is your husband allowing this? Why in the world would you marry a man who would allow this? Why are you continuing to blame the daughter and NOT your husband, who continues to allow this?

If it is truly THIS bad, I'd work with my husband to find every last thing in the house that belonged to the mom, put it in a box and mail it to them and ask them not to visit any more - if they want to see "grandpa" they can meet him at a restaurant, but YOUR home is off limits. If your husband cannot agree to this, then you married the wrong man.

You can't stop trying ... ever. If you want it to get better, you have to keep being warm and welcoming, no matter what she says or does.

I don't understand the "no biological ties" part, but I'm still guessing that your husband is her father? Why not ask him for suggestions. He may or may not feel compelled to have a conversation with his daughter, but he still might have suggestions for you.

You're not going to win her over by giving up. The only thing you can do is show her that you will never give up!

K., some kids never really accept it when their parent remarries after being widowed. I've seen it in my own extended family. An uncle married a really lovely and sweet woman a few years after his first wife died. But his kids (who were adults when their mom died) never accepted her into their immediate family, which was sad. To her credit, she continued to be welcoming to everyone in the family, despite their rejection, and those of us who saw it happening respected her all the more for it.

I hope you can be like my aunt and take the high road. Be polite and try not put your husband in the middle (unless it is something really outrageous). You can't make someone like you but you can be at peace with yourself by knowing that you are doing the right thing.

Some people just aren't going to like you. I probably wouldn't like you either if you thought my children were mean, sneaky liars. Stay home and enjoy your own friends and family.

I think you should search deep inside yourself and look at your own behavior, words and actions. I think you would benefit from seeing a good therapist. You can't change another person but you can work on yourself. I suspect many different things have led to this.

So to clarify, I have never made comment to them about the grand daughter! I keep my mouth shut and let this 9 y/o girl swing a fireplace poker at my head ( yes really!) I smile open our home which is 'moms' house to them whenever they feel the need to go to a bed and breakfast. It is matter of her stealing items from the home, going through closets, dressers, file cabinets, etc. to find mom's things. However they have been there since her mother passed and refused to take them with her. My hubby came into her life at age 18, she has little contact with her bio father at his request and has divorced because of her and her antics.
It is not just the tension I feel but family functions are tense and everyone feels it, very unconfortable for everyone. She has gone to the point of calling my hubby and asking him to not have me at christmas and birthdays, she wanted to have alone time with him. I am fine with that but hubby uses me as the buffer. He has said many times that he did not know how distance them after her mother died, now he says too late.