6 Year Old Daughter Wants to Wear Her Hair the Way She Wants

This is her way of expressing herself. I would let it go and allow her to do her own hair. It's one less thing you have to worry about when you're getting her ready for the day! It may bother you now, but that will wear off. Just brush it off and remember, it's just hair!!!!!

How about letting her "style" her hair on weekends and you do it for school. I would simply explain that the school has rules even about hair but that you would love to see her own hairstyles on weekends. Hair battles are hard. All 3 of my kids (5, 9, 11) have their own ideas about how they like their hair, none of which I particularly like. Fortunately, the stages don't generally last long.

If her hair is clean and not knotted, don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me, there are bigger things coming!

I am sorry if this sounds harsh, not my intent. As a mother of 4(3 of them girls, one a boy with long hair) I know how frustrating this can be!
I finally learned that you really just have to RELAX! We must learn to pick and choose our battles, and this one is SOO not worth it! In a couple of years, she will be starting to experience mood swings, prepubscent, and she needs to know now, before that gets in the way, that you are ok with her making some decisions for herself. Let her find her own style, a sense of independence, with her hair, etc. Are you going to be completely controlling on clothes, etc when she is a teen? Start learning to let go now...set boundaries and overlook the rest! For example, my girls dresses/skirts must be below the knee...when they get one that isn't they wear it over leggings. I also don't allow shirts to go below the collar bone, if they do, they wear a tank top or something under it. I don't think it looks good half of the time, but they like it and it keeps them in bounds, so whatever! Save the battles for things that are FAR more important!

Hi M., I understand your feelings well. My daughter is strong willed and independent. It has not been easy and I have gotten frustrated many times. However, I have learned that part of the problem was in how I was viewing my daughter. I've learned to look as her personality as a good thing - she's spirited and she will go far in life. That doesn't mean I give in to her "demands." It just means that I set a roadmap of what I view as crucial to her learning respect of authority and I work on those things with her. I give her freedom in other areas because freedom is important to her personality. She respects me, she is polite, she respects other people, she respects hers and others' property, she is kind and generous. But when it comes to her "things," I let her pick out her clothes from a stack of clothes I choose, I let her decide how she wants to do her hair, and I let her be a little independent because it makes her thrive. Children who act out as teenagers are usually acting out over an emotional turmoil they are experiencing. Watch for that and be there for her when she needs you and you should be ok. I hope this helps! Only you know your daughter and whether she's being defiant or only trying to be herself!

To me, hair is not a big deal. If she isn't being teased about it at school and if the school staff haven't said anything to you about it, then it should be acceptable despite how embarrassing it is. It sounds like she is just stretching and finding out what she likes. I have a son who will wear a red shirt with purple shorts. It makes me cringe, but he doesn't care and no one has teased him about it (yet!).
Yes, you are the parent, and yes, you need to set some boundaries with your daughter, but I would focus more on the safety and moral issues and not so much appearance (unless there is a personal hygiene issue). Children need to be able to have some independence and control as they grow up and as you guide them through life, and if they choose clothes and hair to be their way of expressing themselves, then so be it. That being said, I would draw the line at revealing clothing, tattoos and non-ear body piercings. My kids will have to wait until they are out of my house for things like that. Good luck!

i'm a little taken aback at how many parents are suggesting tough love and no compromise over an issue like hair. i have to hope most of us don't want automatons, and are raising self-willed children who can think for themselves, and yes, who have a strong NO when it's called for. i'd save the tough love and immovable boundaries for safety issues and drugs, and meet her at LEAST halfway for issues that are all about her own personal choices.
it seems to me as if you are basing most of your negative reactions to this on your perception of what other people will think. that's your issue, not hers. i know those 'other people' aren't more important to you than your daughter, so why should their (nebulous and maybe not even real) opinions carry more weight than hers?
khairete
S.

It's just hair, right? Save your energy for bigger issues, I say!

I think this is one of those situations where you have to choose your battles. It does sound like she wants to be indepedent. Its kind of like the little boy who wants to where his superman cape or something like that. Also, and please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you key words were it was embarassing to you. If it is not dangerous for her who cares. I think it was good to try and compromise with her, but who knows this may be temporary she will try it a few weeks or something or move on to the next thing. Maybe she has a friend who wears their hair like that or a similar way and she is trying to duplicate it. Find out why she wants to wear it like that. When you tried to do it did you talk to her about, explain what you are doing and why? Tell her that you want to keep it out of her eyes. I don't think it is fair to her to not let her play a decision in her appearance. It is her body and she is the one who has to deal with how she looks all day, not you or your husband. I don't think she will end up with green hair because she wears her hair a little different now. Besides, you don't want her to really assert herself and cut it off or something because you want let her do this small thing. If her friends are picking on her, and shes not getting in trouble at school, isn't her happiness worth it. You can try to explain that it is different, and she may get picked on. You maybe telling her that her feelings and ideas don't matter and that could set you up for worse things than green hair in five years. I would suggest talking with her about it, get down on her level. Don't just over rule her without discussing it. I know she is only 6 but setting up a good communication system now will lay the grounds for one later. I think she will be more open to discussing things before deciding if she knows you will not dismiss her right away. I apologize if I have said to much or stepped over the line, but I hope that this does help.

If you think about it, there is not much in a six year olds life that she can control. If she wants to do her own hair and it makes her happy, why not who cares what other people think. I did the same thing to my mom when I was 6 and she finally gave in and let me, I am sure my hair looked awful at first, but I was so proud and soon enough I had learned how to french braid, and do twists and everything else just by doing it myself at 6. Why not give her a little independence and encourage her to be her own person rather than to look like everyone else? You could also set aside certain days that she is/is not allowed to do her hair to compromise. Just my thoughts, good luck!

I have a 5 yo who has always been very opinionated as to what she wears and how she does her hair and it does not always look presentable, to US. Her father used to have fights with her about it, but it just made it worse. Now if it is seasonably appropriate and it won't get her kicked out of school, we let her make her own choice and make her understand that it may not be accepted by all she runs into that day. Sometimes her creations make us cringe, but amazingly her friends think she looks wonderful and her teachers have seen it all. I just make sure they know that she dressed herself that morning and picked her outfit out (or hairstyle) special so they know who is responsible. The more you fight this ponytail thing the more she will want to do it. So instead of sweating the small stuff, just let her do her thing if it is reasonable. Trust me, eventually her friends will tell her if it is not in style and she will stop. Save the fight for the later battles of makeup, tattoos and revealing clothing.

I have two teenage daughters. My best advice: pick your battles: let her wear her hair the way she wants and stop worrying about whether you're embarrassed. She has very little control over anything in her life and this is one of them so I hope you will let her have her way on this very minor issue! My biggest regret as a mom of teens is that I didn't do this more. When you can, give her two or three choices that are both acceptable to you (ie- pull out two outfits that are both OK with you but let her think she is making the choice; let her know that she is going to go in timeout and she can choose whether she walks there herself, or you carry her; put drinking cups at a height where she can pick any one that she wants; give her choices of bows; if she doesn't brush her teeth, let her know no sweets until she does - her choice!, etc.). This is very empowering and gives her practice "choosing". I struggle with this everyday. My 17-year old is in the midst of making HUGE choices right now that will effect the rest of her life. We talk to her about them, push her to think them through, but at the end of the day - it's her choice, her life. It's very tough on us! Your daughter thinks she looks great and I hope you can support her. You will miss the days when she puts on funny clothes, funny hats and wears her hair in a funny way. I sure do! Good luck!

I understand your dilemma. I think she is trying to gain some independence which is a good thing. I remember when I was in 3rd grade being insistent on doing my own hair. My mom usually let me do it, only occassionally insisting she help me. It was great for my independence but I am mortified now when I look at the pictures of me from that time. I think if you let her have some control over it, partially she will get practice at doing her hair and eventually she'll get better at it and it will look better, and when she wants to look really nice she can come to you for help. She'll likely be more inclined to ask for help if she gets to initiate it than if you keep trying to do it for her.
Her appearance is not really a reflection of your parenting skills. She is loved, clean, well-fed, and able to be herself and those are the important things about being a parent.
Good luck!

I am surprised and a little saddened at how many people are saying that a child should not be making decisions! She is 6 for heaven's sake and has the mental capacity to make SOME of her own decisions. My daughter is 2 and she is allowed to make certain decisions but it is not a free for all. For instance, I do not ask what she wants for breakfast. I ask, do you want waffles or cereal? If a child is never allowed to make decisions, they will never learn how and will have a very difficult time deciding right from wrong, which college to attend, who to be friends with, etc. I agree that households need rules but unless there was already a how-to-wear-your-hair rule then it's going to be harder to implement. I think a bit of a compromise is acceptable. I would also suggest doing your best to not consider other people's view or opinion of your daughter or parenting style. Who cares what other people think?

Don't sweat the samll stuff...Honestly...I would save the No's for really big things this way it establishes some boundaries. Don't ever squash her freedom of expression unless you know for sure it puts her into danger....if you tell her NO for these kinds of things now...then I can guaruntee she will be the teenager that rebels...I've personally seen it in friends of mine, who when got the opportunity, went wild in college, because they didn't know how to think for themselves. I taught for ten years and found that one of the most important lessons is that your children will teach you not the other way around. Besides...my mother always made comments about how i looked and dressed and it can give one quite a complex....let her have her happy place! Let her be her or she might have trouble later figuring that out!

Pick your battles. I have two daughters, 14 and 10 now, and I have no input into my 14 year old's fashion anymore. I say let her wear her hair how she wants to. In a few years, you will look back on this time and laugh. If the school has a problem, then together (you and the school) can explain to her how to fix the problem and compromise with her, when not in school she can wear her hair how she wants to. I work in a preschool and so many parents worry that their kids don't match, clothes are on backwards etc. I say, who cares. The kids got dressed by themselves. They have a great sense of accomplishment and in my humble opinion, there is nothing better than that. I truly believe that if the kids are clean and their clothes are clean and they are safe, that is all that matters. Who cares what others think???? If your child is a good child, that should be what matters, not what she looks like! I believe if more parents took that road (it is inside that counts, not outside), the world would be a better place. Your daughter will eventually grow out of this phase and move on to other phases. By supporting her, you will keep the lines of communication open, thus allowing you to carefully express your opinion.

I wish there was a magic solution to parenting!! It would be so much easier. Good luck and don't worry, this too shall pass.

My girl is 6 too. I think this is something to give in on. It isn't hurting her or anyone else and next week she will want something different. My mother always enforced her will on me for things such as this as well as everything else. It has impacted me, my confidence and ultimately my relationshiop with her. I think this is a case of picking your battles. You might also ask her where she got the idea for the style. It may be she thinks she is doing it like someone elses but if you show her how it is different, maybe she will adjust it. Then you will both be happy.

Hi M.. We have all been there. I have 5 kids aged 10-20. I have learned not to make little things like this into a power struggle. Once my son gave himself a "haircut". I made him go to school like that for the remainder of the week and then took him to get a buzz cut the next weekend. Believe me it will have a much better impact for her classmates to say something than for you to constantly fight with her about it. You could also look through a magazine together and say to her "Wow! Isn't that a pretty hairstyle?" Giving alternative choices is always better than flat out saying no.That being said, you should NEVER tell her something and then give in because she gets upset. You are reinforcing that behavior and she will adopt that strategy every time she doesn't get her way. Good luck!

I have been there! My suggestion is to make a deal with your daughter. Tell here that M-F you have to help her fix her hair they way YOU think is acceptable for school and on Saturday and Sunday, she can do it however she likes. You will only help her if she wants your help.
It lets your child know that you care about what she wants, but you are the parent and have rules to set. All the while being fair.

i see this as kind of like getting dressed which my 3 yo does by herself now. i set some loose boundaries like, appropriate for weather, no fancy expensive dress for school, socks are necessary even if they are hard to put on, clothes must be clean, etc. could you set some loose boundaries? maybe she gets to do it herself and then you can smooth it back with some clips. my daughter likes to put the clips in herself and i do the ponytail. she also like to ask for different hair styles and if they are reasonable i comply. they have so little that they control and we are the adults, it is up to us to work out a solution that is amenable to everyone.

My advice is...don't sweat the small stuff. I know it's mortifying (sp?) when you're out in public sometimes. I have 5...and have dealt with similar stuff.
You have to pick your battles and if she likes her hair and it's not disruptive to the class or causing her not to learn, let it go...she'll get bored and do something else or eventually one of her friends will tell her to do it differently and she'll listen to them. If the teacher or principal tell her, maybe she'll listen to them.

My 9 year old has some sensory issues and her clothing choice is not what I'd like it to be. She insists on "comfy clothes" or everyone's day is ruined. So she pretty much wears the same outfit to church every week and I'm sure there are people who think she owns nothing else. (Thank goodness for catholic school uniforms) She also stresses out over her hair sticking up or "Looking bumpy" so she wets it down to the point where it is matted like a wet dog, but when my husband tells her it looks bad or I gently suggest we do something else with it...the next several hours are shot.
I have eventually stopped cringing when we leave the house and figure if someone's going to judge me by the way my kid looks, they obviously don't have kids...or have nothing better to do with their time.

I have a 6 year old daugter as well. I also havea 16 year old and an 11 year old step daughters... which make things difficult because they are teenagers and my 6 year old daugter is still a little girl, but wanting to be like her older sisters.. I like to have my daughter wear her hair back and out of her face, but my step daughters wear their hair down and more to their face (with the side swept bangs etc) so of coarse, my littlest daughter wants to do the same thing. I tell her no, and maybe put her hair half up and down as a compromise. Sometimes I woldl even let her wear her hair all the way down with a clip that keeps her hair out of her face. She is okay with that because she gets to pick the clip out herself. Find an even medium if you can, but if you can't, it's okay. Put it back and let her roll. She will forget about it until the next day. Soon enough she will understand where you are coming from. My daughter did. She understands now that I like ther hair out of her face and she doesn't really complain any more. She tries to use my step daughter as a valid argument, but I remind her that they are a lot older and she is a lot younger. That pretty much ends it right there. This will not effect her independence or self expression. Maybe let her pick out some hair accessories and tell her you will put them in her hair for her when you put it back. That may help you get your job done, and make her feel good about having something she chose in her hair. It migh even be time for her to get bangs. If she doesn't liek the idea, let her know, if you don't put your hair back, we will have to get you bangs to keep the hair out of your face. Be nice, yet stern. Don't forget you are the mommy, and I hate to say it, but later on, you are gonna wish the disagreements you have with your daugter was still about putting her back in a neat pony tail. Good luck sweetie.

My daughter also did this exact thing at that age. I compromised with her and told her that at school she had to wear her hair the way that I put it and then once she got home she could wear it any way that she wanted. This worked out well and she never had any problems understanding that school was one thing and home was another.

Hi M.,

I am not yet in your position - my daughter is only 10 months old - but I think if I was in your situation I would try to compromise a bit. Let her do her hair the way she wants to on the weekends or after school but explain that for school you are expected to appear a certain way. This is a lesson we all learn at some point - we all have an idea of what is appropriate for work, weddings, parties, dinners out, etc.
I can understand how it might embarass you when you are out at the grocery store but I think most parents would certainly understand and maybe even appreciate the sweetness of it. It always brings a smile to my face when I see a little one who has obviously picked out their outfit that day!
Good luck and take plenty of photos - I am sure she will love to see her sense of style when she is older!

lol...this is a cute one. You were once was a little girl and also desired to wear your hair a certain way. If I was you, I would allow her to express who she is through her hair and clothes. However, this can be done with in boundaries. I would show her how to do nice pony tails and so forth and ask her what she thinks about each one. I would then explain tightiness to her as far as school. then I would tell her the acceptable styles that she is welcome to do on her own for school and then those that she can do on her own during the weekend. I think this may make her feel as though she is still being independant and you still have say as well.

Hope that helps, I was the same way as she is and my mother allowed me to do my own hair and I turned out pretty good. She taught me how to do what I liked better, so that it look presentable.

If this is the worst of your problems at this moment, you have it good.

What I would do is tell her that she will wear her hair in a presentable fashion to school during the week, period. Tell her that you will check to make sure that she's doing it right. Then tell her that if she doesn't make a fuss about that rule, she can then wear her hair any way she wants on the weekends, enforce this one too, if she gives you a hard time then suspend her Saturday hair priveledges and so on. This gives her an outlet for her creative experimentation without making her look like a rag-bag at school and it maintains your authority and sends the message that anything new she tries is only through your permission.

I have not reviewed any other responses, so if I repeat; I apologize.

I would "split the difference" so to speak. I would decide when you felt it was completely inappropriate for her to wear her hair the way she wants because it is not a neat look. (for school; for example). But I would let her wear it that way on weekends or after school. They are figuring out what is right/wrong at this age and slowly the peer pressure (the helpful kind) will kick in and her friends will clue her into the fact that it doesn't look good. I have two girls (6 and 4) so I am not unaware of this situation. My oldest wants to wear clothes that do not match or are too summery or too "old" for her. I am fine with whatever she wants around the house. Weekends she gets a little bit more free range (with helpful suggestions when we are going out in public) and then - the school - well they have their rules and I make sure that we follow them.

when my girls choose things that i don't think match or that I believe looks "silly" or even ugly. I will gently let them know that I don't particularly like it; however.. I also tell them that if they think it looks good then "ok". (when it is a situation that it really doesn't matter what they wear.. and that includes when we are going out to dinner and I have to be seen with them! LOL) I stand my ground when its freezing outside and they want to wear a sundress - forexample!

Good luck..

My daughter (5) and I went through a phase of the same problems. We worked out a compromise that has been working very well for us. She has total control of her hair one day, then it's my turn the next, and back and forth. That way, even if her hair does look silly, it's only for one day and it looks nice again the next day. For us, it takes away all the confrontation. It's been very nice for both of us. Also, now that she's seen a few of the hairstyles that I've chosen for her, she likes them and we do them often even when it's "her turn".

Good luck!

hello, Its her hair, she wants to explore and create...who is it hurting? Pick your battles wisely,reward good behavior,redirect bad....trust her, she does not see the world the way you do, she is learning through you, then the world..be a loving guide....keep it real, and honest....take care...

Hi there! Parenting is tough!! I am a social worker and I have been a home based therapist for families in crisis. I always say now, I was an expert in parenting...and then I had a child! While I understand your concerns and fears about the future, I am a big proponent of allowing self expression within reason. I too was very independent and somewhat defiant as a child and now I have one just like me! My own mother cut my gorgeous locks when I was 6 to a "Dorothy Hamil" cut (Very short, bowl cut) because I fought her every morning as she brushed my hair. She told me when I learned to care for it myself I could have it however I wanted. I learned by age 8 to take care of it and grew my hair long. I evern learned to french braid it! As a social worker (and I am also a practicing Catholic) I believe that a child's clothing and hair color/style which are not permenant should be left up to the child within reason...for example...parents don't have to pay to for the hair color, but should not make a battle over it. The teen will realize that the looks they get are their fault...that being said, you have a young child. My advice would be if she can fix her hair neatly (Due to school regulations) she can do it. If not...either you do it or it gets cut short. Again, you are setting guidelines, not hard and fast rules. My husband also believes that I am too soft as I allow our 8 year old daughter to make decisions and live with consequences of the decisions (Not anything involving her safety!). Parenting IS TOUGH! Good luck and hang in there!

D.

All I can provide is sympathy. I've been tempted to take my DD for a crew cut!

I have a 7 yr old little girl and she is very much wanting to assert herself in the same way. She wants to do her own crazy curly hair and it looks hysterical. Think about this with humor.Take pictures of her with her crazy hair and put it in her scrapbook to use on her later! It's not establishing a pattern to let her assert her own opinions from time to time. But it's true, she has to go to school looking like she is ready to learn not like part of a funny punk/new wave band.
I made a bargain with my girl that she could do her own hair however she likes on the weekend but that Monday to Friday, mommy would do it so she could go to school. I told her I do it on the week days because it is just faster and not because she looks ridiculous to save her a little bit of pride :)
Now on the weekends she does it when she remembers that she wanted to do it in the first place and is actually steadily looking better and better with practice, but still pretty funny. Plus because I did not force her not to do it she kind of lost some of the uber need to assert that she wants to do it... a little jedi mind trick.
have fun and get the camera ready!

I have a nearly-seven year old daughter who sounds a lot like yours. We have a similar situation - she doesn't want me to do her hair, she'd rather leave it down and in her face. I told her she had to let me do her hair for school but she could do it any way she wanted at home. We had a similar discussion about clothes. I told her she could pick her own outfits for school, as long as I approved.(I'm not overly conservative but shorts in the winter is not acceptable)There were a few tantrums but I didn't give in. I'm careful to give her lots of leeway on the weekends so she feels she has some control too. Hope this helps

Wow, you bring back "fond" memories. My baby daughter is 23 now and it sounds like you'll be walking in my shoes. The good news is she grew into a beautiful vivacious young woman. Helping her to grow up was on the one hand very stressful, but on the other the most exciting adventure one could ask for. I was the quiet personality and so unlike the person she was. But what worked for me was stressing the important qualities of being a person with good moral values, of being kind and caring of others, and then just being there for her when she needed me, which was often. We have a good close relationship now. I would also like to say that I helped out at the Catholic school all four of my children attended for many years while they were there. I grew to love all the first through third graders, particularly those special personalities like you describe your daughter to be. In fact, I probably would have been the one who told her how pretty she looked today when she came into the office. (That would be right before the principal told her to go fix her hair!) Good luck and just always love her and be there for her.

Let her be a kid. She's trying to be independent and I can't see any harm in it. If her clothes don't match or she wants to wear snow boots in July or her hair in funky ponytails let her.

Its important to allow kids to be kids and I think most parents would look at you and think you're an awesome mom for letting her dress herself and groom herself.

Now if she wants to dye it pink with purple polka dots...that's another story.

Comprimise. Maybe allow her to wear her hair the way she wants after school and weekends but your way to school. Maybe give her one day/ week at school if you have to and just tell her teacher your deal.

I tend to agree with your husband to a certain degree. I also have a 6yr old. Who is kind of doing the same thing but we have resolved it. I give her a choice of hair styles. Of which i can do. I don't let her do her own hair at all. She's not old enough. But i do have certain hair styles she can pick from. I do it and it's done. If she doesn't want to choose from the ones given i don't put her hair up. It's that simple. I think you are setting yourself up to frustration in the future and i would like to think in 5yrs but i think it will be sooner than that. You are the parent and until she can do a good job you should be in control. Think of it like this... If you let her brush her teeth and she didn't do a good job and left food in there would you let her go to school like that. NO you wouldn't because she hasn't done a good job. This is the same. You need to teach her to respect herself in no uncertain terms i would say you hair is messy and you don't want people to think your not a clean person. Some would say that you are teaching her to dress like people want to see but in our society you have to do that to a certain degree. Otherwise it will get harder as she grows up and will have trouble fitting in. Good luck

Hello M.,
I agree with your husband, she is a child and a child should not be making her own decisions and telling you how she wants her hair, especially if it looks a bit out of place. Yes I would definitely “nip it in the bud” she may be angry but she will get over it and know that you are the boss. Not that you’re being to hard just giving her some “tuff love”

Thanks,
T

Oh M., I feel for you. It's like that in my house. I have to laugh at your dd's hairstyle though. My oldest will be 6 this summer and is very opinionated about what to wear, etc. I get what you say about establishing a pattern; my almost 4 y.o. dd is the one I worry about. she is headstrong and loves to push boundries. like you, part of me wants to let her develop her personality and make inconsequential choices but at what point do I step in? I don't have any advice but I wanted to let you know that I think you are a good mom for trying to make her presentable but still allowing her freedom of choice. Motherhood sure is tricky, isn't it? I'm anxious to read what other posters have to say.

I usually do not respond to requests, but I feel I had to, especially after reading the responses. I cannot believe how many parents say to "compromise" with a six year old. She is six, NOT sixteen. At her age and stage she must learn from you about proper dress and behavior, despite what anyone says, those are important. You and your husband set the rules and your children follow them, end of discussion. This is what is called discipline. I know she wears a uniform so I am sure that the hairstyle is her way of standing out - exactly the opposite of the purpose of a uniform. Your gut feelings about compromising at this early stage is dead on - it will only get worse and you will find yourself "compromising" on bigger and bigger issues, pink hair, staying out past a curfew, smoking, drugs, etc. the list is endless. You must tell her you are the parent and you get to make those decisions and then when she gets older, she can have input, but YOU make the final decision. When she is sixteen she will be able to express her wants and needs and you will be able to discuss them and help guide her, but by that age she will be making good choices because she learned about them from you. As my mother told me, "You live in my house and you live by my rules." One last thought, I once had a magnet prominently displayed on the fridge it said, " I am the mother that's why."

About me:
Mom of five ages 21-15, two in the service, only three at home... life is beautiful....

Listen to your husband. If you want to give a little, tell her she can wear her hair the way she wants at home, but you are the parent, paying for her education, she's only 6 years old, and will be a reflection of your family when she leaves the house. You are right to be concerned about limiting her independence at 6 years old. If you give her everything on a platter now, she'll think it's perfectly fine to come home whenever she wants at 13! I have worked with youth ages 6th-12th grade, some from wonderful homes, and some not so good. Some of the kids from "better" homes had the most problems because their parents didn't reign them in a bit and give them boundries. Bountries are hard to set when the small ones are overlooked when they are young.

I'm so glad I have a boy. For him it's been a buzz cut since he was about three years old. Daddy liked it so much, he decided to get one too, and now I buzz them both down every month or so. Will the other kids at school make fun of her over her hair? My son's old private school would have 1 crazy hair day a year (usually in March sometime) and the kids came in with colored hair, spikey hair, Mohawk hair, multiple pony tails, glittered hair, curls, corn row braids, you name it. Some of the wash out dyes take about a week to really wash out. My son had a nice spikey Mohawk that day. I had to run some errands after school with him, and you should have seen the dirty looks people in the stores gave me for letting my son look like that. I guess you have to choose your battles. If it's dangerous (hair in her eyes, can't see where she's going, etc), don't let her do it. If it's harmless, maybe a little peer pressure will change her mind after awhile. You took away her happiness? Oh please. It's not like you shaved her head. Once, when my son was about 4 or 5, I said something he didn't like, and he comes back with "You're not my friend!". I told him he was absolutely right, I'm not his friend. I'm his Mother, and that's better than friends. Friends come and go, but I'm there for him through good and bad no matter what. I'm with him for parties and cake, and when he's sick and not feeling well. That means I sometimes have to do what I feel is best for him whether he likes it or not. I'm not doing him any favors by doing only what pleases him. He's a happy healthy gifted 10 year old right now. I'm not looking forward to the teenage years, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

If she has to wear a uniform to school, then you can say that she can do x or y (give her two choices you can live with) for school. Let her do her funky hair for play time or other times when it really doesn't matter. Teach her that there's a time and a place for certain things.

RE: the hair when she's older - fight that battle when you get there and remember that it's just hair. Again, if the school won't allow green hair, get her a spray can and let her go to the mall like that instead. Or if she dresses in something strange, but it's not really disgusting, just weird, let her do it. Some of the outfits my stepdaughter has come up with over the years have been kind of...interesting...but who cares if a 7 yr old wears pink and orange?

Hope that helps.

(P.S. I had blue hair in college. I still graduated and became a productive member of society. And don't ask about what I did to my hair in high school. It'll be okay.)

I say, pick your battles. In the scope of life this is a pretty 'minor offense', so to speak. Your child sounds like she is just spreading her wings of creative self expression and you don't want to squash that at any age. Squash it now and it might pop up down the road in a more frightening way! I say use her desire to espress herself and let her do her thing. Take the opportunity to explore some more- checking out hairdo's can be one your special mom/daughter activities. Soon you'll move past the unicorn pony tail and try new do's. You can both learn along the way. You are a very lucky Mom to have a child so expressive. I find it an honor and inspiration to witness the creativity that comes out of my child-so amazing sometimes! Many children today, just don't have 'creative' skills to even comprehend figuring the creative process out on their own and then executing it-lord knows the school systems are cutting just about every creative class possible these days. Foster creativity now, before she forgets how to REALLY express it! It's a blessing!

Hi, M. - It sounds as if you have a very strong willed child. I can totally relate! My daughter had Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Pick your battles. My daughter and I could have fought over everything all day long; what kind of a relationship is that? Let the hair go; you are not establishing a pattern. Save the fights for things that really matter. If you have not read "The Strong Willed Child", you might find it to be helpful. Good luck! P.S. Don't worry about what other people think. If they haven't "been there", they just don't have a clue.

In my opinion part of growing up is learning about making decisions. If she wants her hair a certain way and like you said, it isn't anything the school would make an issue of I would let it go. It can be a bit embarrasing just as it can be embarassing when a toddler tries to dress themselves and ends up all mismatched. Still I think if it isn't something major like dyeing her hair green or shaving her head I think you should let her have some control. I think that it's resonable to set boundaries in this situation but she isn't doing anything crazy. I would still be honest and open and tell her that you don't particularily care for the style but if she wants to wear it that way it's her choice. When it comes down to the really hard stuff like having sex and or drinking or using drugs, ultimately you can't control it. She will be there in the moment alone with all of your advice swirling in the back of her mind and all the pressure from her peers for front in her face. If you are always making decisions for her she won't have the confidence in her self to make her own decision when it's time to go against the crowd.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Count your blessings. When my oldest daughter was six, she insisted on wearing her clothes backwards.

Dear M.-I see 3 things in your question/statements: a)you and your husband are at opposite ends of opinion on how this should/could be handled b) others' opinions of your parenting style matter to you--esp. other parents and staff at the school c) your daughter must be getting 'rewarded' at school for her chosen hairstyle (maybe just extra attention---maybe something more tangibly popular to a 6yr old).

Many prior responses were good ones about compromise and alternating days, etc.,but school is school and if the other KIDS thought she looked weird or dorky or messy, they would have teased her sufficiently that she would change on her own or ask you to help her make her hair look a certain way. You and her father must not appear to disagree at home, so decide on who will handle this or you will be played off of each other and things will escalate.

I do understand wondering what the school thinks of how you allow her to exit the house, though. For years I wondered if people thought my boys slept outside or even had a home for the way they chose to exit the house no matter our requirements....! Eventually kids are going to do whatever they please when they leave the house, but in the early years you can have an effect; we decided on less arguement and more simple choice between OUR standards. By highschool things slip away, so you hope the early years ring in their heads.

Per others' observations of your daughter's "look", I would engage these other school people privately---her teacher or a principal or other important Catholic figure in the school who is recognizable to her as someone to be respected or in authority. With your prior discussion of the "problem", they can gently suggest to your daughter whatever you would like as a part of the school rules for appearance, AND you would be vindicated for appearing to not care or be oblivious to your daughter's unkept "look." A two-fer :)
You have SOOOOO much ahead--this will indeed be a laughing-matter-memory in short time. Take pictures now so you can look back and giggle together later!! Good luck.

My daughter was deciding what to wear when only 2 years old. I would let your daughter do her hair as she wants. If it looks really bad eventually someone at school will tell her so and then she may want you to fix her hair right. Now she does not want to listen to you and the battle has begun. You don't want a battle in this. There are much more important issues to deal with. Be honest with her. Tell her she can have her hair as she wants but that you think this hair-do looks awful. AF

I think your husband has given the best advice. Some things are not independant to a child especially when they are in private schools

I remember going through akward fashion phases, and i look back on the old pictures of myself and cringe a little bit. But I also remember that I felt beautiful and confident at the time when I was allowed to make my own choices about hair and dress. Why would someone want to take that empowering feeling away from a child? Confidence is often lacking in many people.
6 year olds have very little sense of social norms, what is "appropriate," etc. If we're talking about behavior and moral issues, then I say that you should very firmly guide your child through every step of the process. But personal appearance is another subject, as long as hygeine and cleanliness are observed.
I would find a way of letting her do her hair that is pleasing to her, and at least acceptable to you. Does she brush it well before putting it in the funny ponytail? Maybe you can ask her how she wants her ponytail, then show her how to do it well. She'll be pleased that you're both part of hte process of making her look and feel pretty. If the other kids tease her at school, she'll eventually come around and change. But her desires won't change because you or your husband decide that she's not allowed to wear her hair the way she wants it.

I very much agree with the other moms who said that the best path is a compromise. Give her two choices when she goes to school. (One ponytail on the side of the head seems to be pretty in right now. Is she trying to do that?) However, after school and on weekends (barring special things) she can do her hair however she wants. I'd skip the bows and hairbands though unless she wants them. Just keep it simple.

I know lots of people have said that its her hair and she should do what she wants. However, I was the kid in school that everyone made fun of. That might not be happening now, but it only takes one queen bee to decide to be mean and the whole class may follow. I vividly remember being the odd man out even in first grade so it can happen early. It is your job as the parent to make sure that there is nothing too strange for others to pick on until she is older and can stand on her own too feet and defend her choices. (middleschoolish) Have her keep the silly hair for when she is around people who love her no matter what and don't judge her for it.

Let her be her own person... however you might be able to meet in the middle with her. Sit down with her and tell her she can do her own hair most of the time, but you would still like to do her hair once in awhile (church or special occasions-(picture day). Or see if she will let you do her hair and then allow her to make adjustments or her do her own hair and you make adjustments.

I wouldn't push the hair bows and bands-(personally I remember how uncomfortable headbands were.) Maybe she will let you use ribbons though. Take her to the store and let her choose a few hair items that she likes and will use.

I agree with the other moms and you that it isn't a big issue, however I agree with you that it might be a place to set a few limits.

My kids are five and three and like to dress themselves- we have met in the middle and I pick out a few things and then they pick from that. They get to make their choices and feel in control, with a little direction. My three year old just went through a little phase of wanting to wear mismatched socks and shoes. I let him do it for a couple of days, and now he hasn't mentioned it again. It was fun while it lasted.

Good Luck and Choose you battles- sometimes it is good to just laugh and move on.

L.

I agree with putting your foot down in some aspects, but definitely not hair. If it is that embarrassing to you, then maybe go through some magazines of hairstyles you like and let her pick from them, so she feels like she has some control over what is happening, but in the end, it's your list of choices she has to pick from. But honestly, she is not going to grow up to be a rebellious punk teenager unless you keep pushing her to do things your way any way. I expect my daughter to do her homework, get good grades, do her chores, obey and respect her elders, etc...but I let her choose whether she wants her hair up or down and what clothes she wears, etc. (I assume your daughter has to wear a uniform? maybe her hair is her only form of expression!?). Not every child has the same likes and dislikes and who cares what other people think....that is teaching shallow behavior and self-consciousness. I think the more freedom you let her have in the little things, the more likely she will let you express your opinions in the bigger things later on. I don't always think my daughter matches, but I think she is being creative and I don't always care if her socks don't match her shirt...but if she tries to go out of the house with a short skirt on or something that doesn't fit, I will tell her to change. If I always made her do everything my way, then later on when she is a teenager, she may just rebel even more and do whatever she wants. But honestly, having green hair as a teen is not as bad a a 'good girl teen' with hidden secrets from her parents. I would rather have open communication instead of control over things that are impermanent any way.

I think sometimes you have to pick your battles. Hair is just hair and it is the easiest thing to give in on -- the greem will fade out, the mohawk will grow back in. You can always compromise with her -- explain that you don't want her to get in trouble at school so it has to be a regular hair style during school hours, but as soon as she gets home and on the weekend she can fix her hair the way she wants. Trust me, her friends will let her know if her hair looks ridiculous! It is a little thing that will give her a big sense of having some control over her life. My younger boy used to like to wear different colored socks, sometimes two colors on each foot. He was in kindergarten and he thought it was hysterical so I let him do it and eventually he stopped but for that time he really enjoyed it and nobody was hurt by it.

Good luck, being a parent is hard work sometimes!