6 Yr Old Punishing Herself

Ok, so I don't have any great 'advice,' just more like moral support. :) my 6 year old is also very sensitive and jealous of her younger siblings. If we say 'good job/good girl' to one she says "oh, what u don't like me/ I'm not a good girl?!" It is so frustrating! We can't say anything positive to the other 2 girls without her getting hurt. We try to be fai, but it doesn't always help. I'm sure your situation is due to the new addition that is coming. That is when my daughter started her stuff was after her 1st sister was born. I guess you could show her a more productive way of expressing/releasing her anger. Sorry I don't have too many words of wisdom, just wanted to let you know I have a similar problem, so don't feel alone. One thing that always helps my oldest is "mommy- daughter dates" (special time we spend together doing anything)

Hi There, C..

My daughter also hit herself, but she started a lot younger, like two and three years old. She'd use both hands and hit herself hard on the head, or she'd take one hand and keep hitting herself over and over on the side of the head. Sometimes, she'd even bang her head against the wall over and over and over. She'd also say she hated herself. That she was dumb and stupid. That no one liked her.

It wasn't until she was 5 that we (me, mostly) finally figured out she has Sensory Processing Disorder AND is a highly sensitive child. Double whammy! Some of her hitting herself was because she couldn't communicate well--she's been in speech since she was 3, and she's now 9. Most of it was her frustration at not knowing what to do with/how to express her feelings. We started taking her to a Childhood Specialist (a nicer way of saying a childhood psychiatrist) when she started Kindergarten, and she still goes. She loves her psych, and she's able to get a lot more ideas and strategies for coping than what her dad and I know.

We still battle with this, but she doesn't usually hit herself anymore or say she hates herself (although she still does the flight response, which I just hate). There is an issue with some low self-esteem, which we continuously work at.

My daughter is "years" above and beyond her playmates in terms of understanding, but she's still socially awkward when it comes to social situations. An example: If the teacher tells the class that she'll be gone the next day and that they'll have a substitute, she'll also tell the kids that she expects them to behave and be on their best behavior for the sub. Of course, kids being kids, the kids ignore their teacher and will talk and goof off and not listen and be anything but "good" for the sub. My daughter often comes home very upset, because the kids didn't do what the teacher said and "they should know better!" LOL I have a young adult trapped inside a 9-year-old body.

And that is what I deal with on a daily basis with her. Her trying to understand and assimilate and cope with why kids act the way they do, when she doesn't. She has a hard time understanding why they won't listen or they're not nice or they make fun of people (we're trying to learn about jokes and teasing and when it's done in fun or good taste or when it would be considered malicious. My daughter doesn't quite understand the concept of jokes and teasing). Again, that is all wound up and centers around both the processing disorder and the fact that she's highly sensitive.

I suspect I was also somewhat highly sensitive as a child, so I do understand some of the stuff she's talking about. But adding in the processing disorder--that makes it hard for me sometimes to be sympathetic and understanding, because it seems to take her forever sometimes to understand a concept I'm trying to teach her.

Any time a child hits herself, or says she doesn't like herself or she's dumb or stupid, or she should never have been born--it should ALWAYS be taken seriously. Children are more open than adults; a child wouldn't say or do something like that without a reason.

Taking my daughter to see a professional has helped our family enormously, and I also get some mom-psych time as well (because the psychiatrist needs to know how things are going at home--and, with Caitlin, there are some heavy metal toxicity issues and malabsorption issues and now some allergy issues--so she needs to know how things are going with me, since I'm my daughter's primary caretaker. My husband works full time, so I can stay home and work out of the house so I am available for her), which has helped me keep my sanity. So far. :)

Good luck.

If she is suffering from low-self esteem, maybe one thing you could do is enroll her in a activity that may help to improve her self-image.

Karate is one activity that comes to mind. My daughter is in a great karate program for kids. It is lots of fun and the kids are so proud of themselves when they learn a new skill and when they reach a new belt level. They always have some goal they are working towards. Karate is meant to build self-esteem, self-control, respect for yourself and others. Possibly this would be good activity to try for your daughter?

My son's grandpa is a child and family counselor, so I asked him what his opinion was. He said that when a child hits themselves, or inflicts other "minor" bodily harm (ie not leaving a mark), it's a sign of low self esteem. Has she been getting bullied at daycare/school? What are the expectations she feels she's failing to meet and "punishing" herself for?

Being a mom of soon-to-be four, I know how hard it is to balance time between all the kids, work, hubby and self. Is there a set time every day, like bedtime, when you can take ten minutes just to cuddle and talk? She may not even realize that she's doing it. Giving her a private venue to vent her frustrations may be all she needs. Becoming a big sister means new responsibilities, and she may be afraid she won't be able to handle it. I'd say give that a shot for a while and see if things improve. If not, then definitely talk to a family/child councilor. Good luck, and congrats on Baby #2!

I used to do that when I was about that age, and I would also bite my hand really hard when I was angry or hit the wall so hard that my hand would hurt because I did not know how to express my feelings. I also had extremely low self esteem growing up and problems connecting with others and making friends because I did not feel like anyone would want to be my friend- I was not "good enough"

I would definitely take her to a counselor, to help build her self-esteem and teach her some coping skills/ways to express feelings. The earlier the better because if she learns at this age she is more likely to grow up using them and be a normal well-adjusted adult.

I went to a therapist at the age of 7 because of the issues between my mom and I. The early signs of inability to cope and "minor" self-injury were addressed as well. My mom only took me for a few sessions however and it was mainly for her benefit, and I continued to have issues and was hospitalized by 14 for a suicide attempt and cutting. I don't say that to scare you- I doubt that will happen with your daughter [my mom was abused as a child and depressed throughout my childhood which affected her ability to parent and teach me the things children normally learn]. But I do think, if you decide to see a counselor that you should continue for at least 6 months-1 year for it to really make a difference. It is a big commitment but well worth it.

This is such a hard thing to go through, both for your daughter and yourself! I truly sympathize. My best friend (I will call her Sara) is going through this with her 7 year old. I'll share her situation with you in case any part of it might be helpful.

When she's upset, Sara's daughter will scratch herself, sometimes to the point of bleeding. Luckily, Sara has a very close friend who is a child psychologist and he has been a huge help. He told her that when a child scratches or cuts themselves out of anger/frustration/feelings of inadequacy, it can be a precursor to cutting. There are several reasons why a child will do this to themselves but in my friend's case, it's most likely because her daughter doesn't feel she is being listened to. She could be scratching to get attention or because she isn't getting the help she needs to express her emotions. Sara has always followed the "ignore the tantrum" advice which may have lead to her daughter feeling unheard, not worth the time or effort, etc. Sara was given some alternatives to dealing with the tantrums, such as, acknowledging her daughter's feelings, calmly talking about it and encouraging her daughter to express how she feels through words instead of scratching (sometimes they make up a word if the real word is too hard for her daughter to say). Another suggestion from the psychologist (which Sara said has completely helped) is to simply ask "do you need a hug?" when the tantrum starts. It usually stops her daughter in her tracks, immediately diffuses the tantrum and they get to cuddle while talking about what she's feeling. So far things are going much better and will hopefully continue to improve.

I would definitely take your daughter to see a psychologist to find out what the root of this problem might be, since there could be many reasons. Hopefully you will both get the help and answers you are looking for!