7 Mo. Old Niece Is Developmentally Delayed

My daughter did not seem to reach those milestones as fast as other kids. We never saw her hold her head up until about 5 months. But now she's seven years old and a gifted student (skipped a grade already) and abslolutely incredible athlete. So maybe, just maybe her parents and pedi know more than you do.

I faced strangers' "diagnosis" all the time and it was insulting and terrible. I say MYOB. If there is something developmentally wrong, they'll see it before you do. What parent of a newborn isn't waiting for every milestone, comparing their baby to every other baby?

Was the baby a preemie? Preemies almost always have developmental delays. My daughter was born two months early and she tends to be 2-3 months behind other kids her age. But I'll have to agree with the other moms if she is being seen by a doctor regularly and they say she is fine then you need to let it go. Or maybe there is something wrong and she doesn't want to tell you about it.

Do you feel reasonably confident that they are taking the child to a doctor for regular checkups? I guess if I was sure that a physician was seeing the child every 3 months as suggested I would probably let it lie. Could be the doctor is working with them but they don't want to talk about it.

Now if there is a chance that this child is not being seen by a doctor then I would probably just go ahead and speak my mind and not worry about the risk of them being upset. I'd tell my brother that it was only out of concern for my niece that I was saying anything but in all of your experience with infants her muscle control does not seem to be right for her age and that you think she should see a doctor. Maybe even give them a good child development book to look at that will give them a point of reference for this age.

The thing to keep in mind is that even if they leave mad, you put the information in their head. They will have no choice but to think about what you said. They may not act on it immediately, but you put it out there for them.

Good luck,
K.

I see it two ways, they either know what is wrong and are not ready to share or they have seen a doctor/doctors who say she's fine. In any case do not talk to them about it. Your job is to love that child and that's it. Don't get involved.

I have seen many "delayed" babies go on to live healthy lives and not have any other "delays" later in life. Development for some is quick and for others it is a slow. My daughter made it to a lot of her milestones quicker than we were told she would. BUT she is much smaller weight wise than she is supposed to be. The dr's have told us she is fine and that she will eventually even out with height and weight. We were also told that her head circumference was larger in the beginning and she outgrew that too. It takes time and if the child is receiving proper care under a certified doctor, leave it alone. If you feel the care is inadequate or you know that the child is for certain not receiving care, you have something to say. People do not want to have others point out their child's "imperfections" or "delays", so to do so may cause waves that are not necessary. Give her some time to develop and if they come to find that she is "delayed" they will need someone to lean on and someone who will be understanding, not someone to say "I told ya so!" Good luck to you and I'll keep the family in my prayers that all works out for the best!

It definitely doesn't sound good to me, but it's always a very slippery slope when you're telling someone that something is wrong with their baby. You have to approach it VERY carefully. Make sure you do not compare her to your own children (or really any specific children). Just say you are concerned that she isn't reaching her milestones and you wonder if she has seen any physical or occupational therapists.

Yes, you risk them being upset. But, it's important to say something because early intervention is usually the key in catching up quickly. At 7 months, she probably won't have another doc appointment for two more months, so encourage them to schedule a special appt sooner.

Again - don't compare her to your kids. Just discuss certain milestones that are typically reached at a younger age and your concern that she hasn't hit them yet.

K.
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I completely agree w/SA Mama H! Having 3 children and your mother having 9 does not make you guys an expert in diagnosing ANYTHING, especially at 7 months. If she were older, them maybe....but don't say anything. I kind of feel bad for them that you guys were so judging at such a young age, instead of just simply enjoying the visit!

I can't speak specifically about your niece, but I can tell you about my experiences with perceptions of "normal."

I did not speak, st all, until I was 3. I grew up to be a very verbal A student. My kids used very little baby talk. Even my first never said "dada." She went straight to "dad," but she probably did it later than kids who start with baby talk. My kids are between 23 and 11 now, and all are or were honor students, in advanced classes.

Textbook "average" for learning to walk is 15 months, but VERY few people are OK with a child who isn't walking sooner. My kids all started walking between 15 and 18 months, and my inlaws were frantic. They were convinced that the kids (I have 4) were learning disabled, or that I was going to cause spinal issues like scoliosis. They told me over and over that if my children didn't sart walking sooner, that they'd have deformed spines and never be able to stand up straight. They were horrified when I told them, repeatedly, that neither the doctor nor I were concerned. Then they were amazed, each time, when my children had lovely posture and no mobility issues once they started walking. (They grew up to take gymnastics, dance, tennis, karate and fencing lessons, played Little League - all the normal kid stuff.)

Even if your niece is at the lower end of "normal," or slightly below, that's OK. "Normal" or "average" are mathematical concepts indicating where the center of a group is; some fall above, some fall below, and "average" itself covers a lot of ground.

Yes, you run the risk of upsetting them if you bring it up. If you truly feel that you must, make sure you are respectful and realize that the final decisions belong to the parents. If you do bring it up, start by asking - ask how often she has checkups, what the doctor says, what her behavior is like. If there are issues, eventually, they'll be dealt with. Being an aunt is different than being a parent - just love them all and be supportive.

I agree with Karen B.
IF they are following the suggested Dr.'s visits, the Doctor will notice that this is a delay. Not moving the legs, no hands to the mouth.. These are very visible signs of a delay. Could be as she suggested, they have been informed and are waiting for whatever reason.

If they are not then I would say something to them about the importance of following the schedules in case something were to pop up.. You may want to every once in a while have your mom ask for a video or go for another visit....

This happened the moment our nephew was born,. we went to see him and the minute they handed him to me, I knew something wasn't right. In the car I mentioned it to my husband that I thought the baby was autistic. I also spoke with my best friend.

This was my SIL baby and my husband said, "let them figure it out".. They will not appreciate your opinion.. He was right, I did not say anything and at about 2 years they told us he had been diagnosed as having Aspergers..

The only time I ever said anything is when mother in law tried to say that it was probably because of vaccinations. I told her "no", that he had shown signs from the moment he was born and went back over the signs. Even had a video to show her..

I was not trying to rub it in their faces, I just wanted them to move on from trying to blame it on something to putting their energy into working to get him the assistance he needed.

If they're taking the child to the doctor for her regular checkups, then you shouldn't say or do anything. Some kids are fine, but don't act like other kids for awhile. She's only 7 months -not 7 years. I know people who didn't walk until 18 months or speak one word until they were well over 2, yet they have Ph.ds now! Don't say anything -you'll know what the situation is within the next year or so.

I am sure your heart is in the right place and you just want to be sure your neice is OK, but it is probably unwise for you to say anything more at this point.

It is quite possible that the doctor has seen issues with this baby, and your brother and his wife have choses to ignore it, or are taking a "wait and see" outlook. It may not be ideal, and it may not be your choice, but it is their baby. You want to be a soft place for them to fall if they have to face the horrible disapointment of a serious physical or developmental issue, and you don't want to be the bad family who said "I told you so." This is not a situation where that should ever be a deterant ot family getting intervention or emotional support. If this child has an issue, your brother will need both intervention and a great deal of emotional support.

What you describe is not typical. It would alarm me too, but you have to let your brother be the parent. You are not the first person to notice this if it is that obvious. She is going to pass a threshold soon where if she does not progress physically, it will be imposible to ignore. They may know already, and chose not to share their heartbreak, and just wanted a nice visit to forget about it while they could still "pass" as typcial. If you have never had this heartbreak yourself, you really do not know how you would react, so give your brother the bennefit of the doubt.

M.

I have known of 2 separate families with babies "a little slow in development" and they are fine now. Both children did not walk until they were almost 2 yrs and were basicly the same as you mentioned your niece is. They told everyone thier doctor said they were fine also. My suggestion would be to not say anything unless you want to alianate them. Both of the children I know are 4 & 5 now and healthy and happy. Babies/children are all different and progress at different rates. Hope this helps!

Your posting caught my eye becuase of my own experience with my older son (I have three). When he was a baby, he did everything late, didn't move due to poor muscle ton, much like your niece and people around me, cousins, my mother-in-law were concerned but didn't speak to me directly. I felt the mumurring behind my back. You're right that your niece does not sound normal and should be referred. Althought the Dr. can be helpful, the Dr. in my case did think there were problems but had no suggestions. Because I work in child development, I'm a Speech Pathologist, I know about the Regional Center, which offers free services for parents with special needs kids birth to three, was a good place to start. At the one year appointment with the Dr., I remember the Dr. asking a list of standard questions: Does he pull to stand, does he babble, does he play with toys etc. Every answer of mine was no which alarmed me, so I promptly called the Regional Center in my area. Every area has a regional center. They will come to the home and do a free speech and language evaulaution, occupational therapy too. We had speech and language therapy, occupational therapy for my son from the age of 1 which was great.

Having said all that, it is not your child and I agree with others you have to be sensitive about talking to your brother and his wife. Are you close to him or them? I am close to my brother and without a doubt I would, and have, told him any major concerns about his child when they were young. But if you don't have that kind of close relationship where you can sit down with him, and his wife, for a few minutes to say, "Look I love you guys, but I'm just concerned about the baby. Check out the Regional Center. They'll come for free to give you an evaluation on the baby's physicals skills, speech and language and may offer you free services." Then, you may want to just wait to see what they find out from the Dr. as the baby grows. But the facts are people, Doctors are NOT expert at recognizing and referring delays. I know. They are overwhelmed with cases and it's a constant revolving door that they are just trying to keep up with. They rarely stick out their neck to really help you. My Doctor for my son was useless so I'm glad I got the ball rolling and went to the Regional Center. He got services early on, so when his disabilities were taken over by the school district, they recognized the reports and prior services of the Regional Center which made the transition easier. Sorry you're in this situation but you may have to sit tight until the baby is close to a year and just hope for now for fear of offending them unless you have a great relationship with your brother and feel you can speak to him honestly. Good Luck!

Of course this is not normal and if you are concerned PLEASE help them even if they don't want it or if you feel they might be angry. I had a med student stay with me and she said that they get one day of schooling on what to look for in children with disabilities. So the doctor might not understand, they could be telling you one thing and not what is really going on, they could be scared. But they NEED help NOW!!!! Have them contact their local regional center and/or a developmental ped and they need to get this going now. There is help for them sometimes at low or no cost but this is serious don't stop helping them and saying something until they get help.

Penny Amic CEO/Clinical Director
Special Beginnings, Inc.
An Early Intervention Network
if you have questions please feel freee to call......###-###-####

Oh my goodness . . be VERY careful! My son was gross motor delayed, until recently. Any issue like this can be extremely sensitive, and should be left to the parents. Your brother and his wife are probably more concerned and have done more research than they are letting on. Most likely, they have not received any medical answers, as of date. Unsolicited advice with respect to someone's child is generally NOT welcome. All children are individuals. When my son was evaluated at one year, he had the gross motor skills of a four month old. After one month in physical therapy, he is completely caught up! Odds are that your neice will catch up as well, sooner or later!!

NOT NORMAL! Your mommy instincts are kicking in full gear. You should talk with them. It could be no big deal but if it isn't taken care of at the right age then it can become much more difficult. Early Intervention is the most awesome thing EVER. My son had serious speech delay which 2 ped's and 1 ent told me was normal. At 2 he had no words! We got a new ped who suggested we have an evaluation done by EI of Nevada (each state has one). The evaluation cost us nothing and included 3 different developmental specialists who worked with 3 different types of delay and a developmental pediatrician. Most ped's will say that they are a Dev ped but what they want is a ped who evaluates the child's development not their runny nose or rash. There's no easy way to talk about it but you are right. I'd simply tell each parent (together or one at a time) that you have a friend (me...they don't have to know you've only known me for 5 seconds and that you've never actually talked to me) who's child had some similar issues and they had their child evaluated by Early Intervention. Everything is free from the evaluation to any of the testing they do. My son had about $5,000 in tests done at no cost to our family. They will even come to your home for therapies on your schedule. Whatever you do don't let it rest until they have really done something. You'll feel terrible if you keep your mouth shut and their child could have been helped had they caught the issue at an earlier age. I'd rather my brother be mad at me than know that I could have tried harder to help a child and didn't. They will appreciate you later

If she is getting regular check ups...leave it alone.

of course you know every child develops at their own rate and when people say "babies are typically farther along" its implying that something is wrong with the fact that she/he isnt. that is not so. obviously if the doc, which went through extensive schooling for this matter, says she is fine and the mother, along with motherly instinct which i tend to think is more reliable than a doc sometimes, doesn't have a concern than keep your concern to a minimum and simply ask every now and then how she is doing developmentally and when or if they imply that they think she isn't up to speed then thats the time to say whats on your heart at that time. keep her in your prayers god is the ultimate healer

I say stay out of it. ALL kids develope differently and at there own pace. You can't compare her to your kids let alone anyone elses. How would you feel if someone told you something was wrong with your kid? I'm sure your hearts in the right place but I'd leave it alone.

When you or your mom spent time with them did they interact with the baby in ways that would help her develop? It would be a shame if that was the problem that they didn't care for her correctly and nobody stepped in. With that being said the baby may have a problem that they are aware of and wish not to share it with anybobdy. Keep in touch more often and keep a close eye as best you can to see if it is neglect and something needs to be done or just a child that is behind and will catch up or if medically she has something wrong the parents are dealing with it their way and just support them as much as you can.

Ok, I am a wife of a doctor and am thinking that the doctor told them that they would be watching it but not to be overtly concerned or something like that not that this is normal.

Doctors can't really send a child to get developmental therapy until about a year old and sometimes they wait until 2. What is more important is that the child actually does see a doctor regularly and then get a referral. If you can' see if your mom can go to a doctors appointment with the baby and mom and talk to the doctor herself.

Stay out of it. They are probably already concerned and don't need the added stress.

I agree and see the points of the moms who say you should let the doc handle and not say anything, but I don't know if I could do that. I agree with you that this is not normal. I can't fathom a doctor saying that this is normal. But then, pretty often I see on here questions about whether the doctor is right about something that just screams wrong to me, so I know it happens more frequently than it should.

I guess the real question you should ask yourself is- are you willing to live with the consequences of saying something to them? Are you willing to put up with the possible defensiveness, arguments, have them stop speaking to you, etc, that might come from you saying something? Is the possibility of putting the idea in their head worth it to you? Really, you cant force them to seek a new doctor out. You can only suggest and hope they listen. They might stubbornly refuse to listen, but there is the possibility that they will see reason and go talk to a specialist. Who knows, maybe they think something is wrong too but don't know what to do about. Lots of new parents think "Doctor knows best" and can't bring themselves to dispute anything the doctor says, and all they might need is some encouragement that it is okay to not blindly follow the doctor.

If you are willing to possibly hurt your relationship with them for the sake of just the possibility of getting this baby early intervention, then by all means, speak up. If only there was some guarantee that they would seek help, I would say it would absolutely be worth it. But there isn't, and you can't force them to do it. So you have to decide what you are comfortable with. Obviously there are better ways than others to go about broaching the subject with them, and if you decide to talk to them, I would really think long and hard and make a good plan based on what you know of their personalities. Don't just blurt something out without thinking how you are going to say it. If your ultimate goal is to help the baby, whatever the cost to your relationship, then go for it. But if your ultimate goal is to be supportive to them and make sure you keep a good relationship with them, you might have to keep quiet. It's not an easy decision for you, I'm sorry that you are in this position.

What is normal with children? There really is no normality, just averages. All children are different.

I would be very careful in what you say. When my son was about 8 months old, my mother and grandmother verbally attacked me about what I fed my son and how he was too thin (we don't live nearby and they rarely see him). I exclusively breastfed, but was feeding some solids at that point (he wasn't that much into them, so he would only eat a little bit maybe 2 times a day, which is actually what my doctor said was fine for that age). He has always been very active, extra tall, and on the thin side (I have a fast metabolism and am thin as well), and the doctor thought he was fine where he was. Anyway, they wasted their time, made me incredibly mad at them and ruined our trip together, and he was just fine! He is now 21 months old, still thin and tall, and has more energy than any other child I have seen. He also eats like a horse. They don't complain now, but it turns out that their perceptions of him were completely wrong and they really messed up our relationship for a while. He is as "normal" as a toddler can be, and they shouldn't have said anything, since even though they had child raising experience, every child is different.