7 Yr Old Misbehaving

Hey. I'm really sorry that you are going thru this. I know how frustrating things can be. My son at that age went thru something similiar but wasn't destructive to things but began hitting other friends. Found out he had been over hearing my husband's and my arguments and was worried about us divorcing. We were going thru a tough time in our marriage. All is well now and everyone is doing so much better. Counseling was a blessing. We made sure that we went to a Christian counselor b/c of our beliefs. We found out why our son was so upset and eased his fears. Life is so much sweeter now. I wish you the best. Give counseling a try. There's no shame in helping your family succeed. And if the reason is something as simple as discovering his own independence, well, they can help manage that time of life as well with great suggestions.

Dear R.,
I recently came across a book, that I hope is still in print, called How to Discipline with Love, by Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson. I highly recommend it. And the new president of the American Association of Psychology (and I do hope this is his title...or it is something like this, Dr. Alan Kazdin, has also written a book about how punishment doesn't work and what does work.

Also, it is so important to remember the nature of the child when dealing with the child. I find it unfortunate that 7 year olds have to spend time doing homework that they may not want to do....rather than play, which is the way children develop all of their skills and the way that they can.

I'm certainly not against giving a child proper bounderies and helping him or her become socialized for their own future success in living in a society but a parent has to be very clear as to which ones are really important and which ones they are trying to achieve against the true nature of the child.

Your child coloring on the inside of his lamp is an interesting example. Perhaps for the child, in his world, coloring on the lamp just enhanced it's beauty and value. So you see that most of the time the problem is how we, as adults, see it and try to impose it on the child. Sounds like your child needs a lot of open space, and freedom to move and be himself, and this is good and healthy human being! Lovingly, G.
www.childplayyoga.com

First let me start by saying that you are not alone in the situation or frustration. I too have thrown up my hands.

When my son draws on or destroys things that we bought for him, I have 1 of two reactions. If its furniture in his room. I say, 'well, hope you like that artwork, cuz your living with it.'. If he draws on something in the living room, we hand him cleaner and a towel and make him clean it up. When he complains, we go through the whole normal speech.

When he rips or stains clothes, if the washer doesn't get them clean, then he has to live with it. Hence the reason I've started buying darker colored pants for him. :-)

For school work, we put the kitchen timer on. If he doesn't finish his work by the time the timer goes off, then he gets no tv time, and right after dinner has to get ready for bed and go to his room to read/sleep.

Something that really works for him is money, or taking it away I should say. He gets money for his birthday, Christmas, teeth, etc. Once he RUINED a pair of pants that I had just bought him a few days before. He'd had them on for less than 12 hours. So I made him wear them for the rest of the night, and hand me $20 from his birthday money. He was shocked!! Why do I have to do that? I told him that now he owns that pair of pants and I didn't care what he did with them.

Good luck
M.

try tomato staking, its where he has to stay with you all day, by your side, doing everything you do. if youre cooking, he is helping, if your gardening, so is he, if your tidying he is too. keep him in eyeshot at all times.
i have a 7 yo son, who is very similar to yours, and it really helps mine. i only have to do it for a few days to keep him on track, and he actually likes it. i call it being my shadow, and the idea is that you stop any unwanted behavior before it starts.
sit right next to him at the desk when he does his homework
i got the idea here www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com

You've got two great suggestions, already. But, I'd be really curious to know why he's being so destructive and is this happening only at home? What does his day include? Is he disruptive in school? Does he have daily time time to burn off any of that aggression? If he's been in a classroom all day, with only 1 hour to play for recess and then comes home late to do homework and video games for recreation, when does he get to just run and scream? My 4-year-old behaved a lot like your 7-year-old until we started homeschooling. I learned to give him time to run and jump throughout the day, especially before I wanted im to do homework or more difficult subjects for him like reading and math. He's now got an education program that matches his learning style, he's involved in more activities than we could accomodate on our previous 6 am-6 pm schedule, and time to be around his friends at the park. He's grown to be a much calmer, more responsible child. He's now 11. When he plays, his room still looks like a disaster zone, but he's not destructive anymore. We did some of that tomato-growing, too, for a few weeks, and it helped. After you try some home tips, if this still continues for about 4 months, I'd ask pediatrician for referral to rule out ADHD or some developmental or learning disability. Your son might be having severe challenges with language arts and math due to dyslexia and could be trying to hide the fact that he's struggling by tearing up his clothes and furniture. My son wasn't able to articulate his frustrations about being confined to classroom and some of the social trials of institutionalized instruction. I've been told that a lot of engineers act like he does. Also, I've been told that the sons are very different from the daughters and how they communicate stress. I'm a believer of that!

I would take the crayons away. Some children especially boys are not ready for hours of sit down work until they are 8 to 10 years old. Unfortunately our nation forces kids to school too early. Your boy may be misbehaving out of frustration. He is smart but not ready for the fine arts yet. Take him instead out to the kitchen to help you bake cookies. Or take him outdoors to play ball. Maybe Dad can play some rough and tumble games with him. Then sit him down for his school work for no more than 20 minutes. Get him moving again before he then tackles a few more minutes of school work. This may help. AF

sounds like he is doing this because he can get away with it.big surprise there. unless you want to be treated like a doormat in your own home then stop mollycuddiling him. dont buy him any more desks or crayons, at least not until he uses all the broken crayons and scrubs down the desk that he drew all over. the next time he wants something, make him pay for it himself. if you dont come down on him about this stuff now, he will be breaking big things when he gets a little older, puberty is just around the corner. and guess who he will expect to pay for it.. you.dont drop him off at a gypsies...make them come and get him
K. h..

Hi R.,
How are you addressing or are you addressing his positive behavior? or does he not have any? If he continually receives negative punishment, he's not really seeing anything worth changing for. Is he able to do simple things like get dressed by himself, get ready for school? Write his name on the top of his paper when you are working on something? I know these things sound little and stupid but he has to start being praised for the smallest thing he is able to do. Do you hug him and tell him you love him? If you haven't, try to catch him doing something really great and praise him for it. See how that works. Do you take things away from him when he does bad things? If he breaks the crayons, do you leave them there for him to break them all or do you take them away? I think somewhere Crayola has a color mixer when you can take all the broken crayons and put them into a machine and it will mix the colors to make new ones instead of always throwing them away. Does he ever has alone time with you or his dad? Does he have a dad?
How is his school work in school? Is he able to do the work? Going over it a million times may be boring to him or he may have some processing issues and can't just understanding talking. As parents, we have to differentiate instruction just like teachers do in school. If none of this is working, have you spoken with the doctor (who sometimes don't know) or the teacher about getting together with the special education team at his school to see what kind of strategies he can use. He could be dyslexic or have a processing issue or learning disabled. A lot of times, bad behavior comes from frustration from the kid not being able to express himself.
Are you all religious?
Quick funny story... my daughter's friend was mad the other day because she had to leave and she wanted to continue playing. She made a huge "soap opera" seen. I was in disbelief. She was talking back to her mom and her mom did nothing. #1 wrong step. So, I was almost disgusted looking at this. Knowing that they are religious like we are, I told the little girl that she only has 1 mom and that no matter what, she will only have 1 mom. All I had to say to her was, Ephesians 6 which is a scripture in the bible that talks about honoring your mother and father. It is my favorite scripture, that's why I knew it off the top of my head. Anyhow, when she came back, her mom made her copy some of that scripture and the little girl was ok. Point being, your son has to know that you are the adult in charge and that he has to learn to respect you and the things in your house. We as parents have to discipline our children too. Doesn't mean you have to beat him or anything, but he needs some discipline too.
Sorry for all the questions, I was just trying to think of everything.
This is funny because I usually never read this website to much or have ever responded. I'm glad I did. Take care and let me know how things go.

Gypsies? That is a great idea! lol! I will have to remember that next time I'm frustrated too!

Ok, I love the suggestions you've gotten...and I've taken notes for my middle guy who is the wild one.

Here's what I've done when I feel like all is lost:

Choose a day this week and dedicate it to your 7-year-old. Forget homework, chores, or anything else on this day that will cause some stress for him and you. Suprise and take him to his favorite park right from school...or have him come home to a new after school snack or go hiking etc. Tell him how much you love him, ask him what he wants for dinner, have him make cookies with you etc. Anything and everything positive to lift his self esteem and give him a break from the grind. Ask him a lot of questions about fun things you've done recently. "Remember when you saw the snake on the fieldtrip..." etc. My boys respond so much to this one-on-one positive interaction.

The next day will probably be hard again, but you could make a goal to have a good day once a week to distract him from whatever negative feelings he's processing right now. Kids get so much strength from a little ego boost.

Good luck!

R.,

My son is 10 now, so I've been where you are. We resolved our homework issues by doing them as soon as we get home. He sits at the table in the kitchen while I make dinner, that way any questions I'm right there. Once he's done, its over no more worrying about school for the rest of the night.

Try not to get to frustrated, its normal, he has to learn what is expected of him - he is only 7. He sees his little brother living the good life with no school worries, that must be rough on him! LOL

Good luck, in a few years you'll know just how to handle this with your littler one!

A. Haddigan
www.babysitease.com

Sounds like you are really nice...buying him all this stuff - he is totally taking it for granted! I would not tolerate any of that behavior....if he is destructive with crayons, take them away! I wouldn't let him ruin that stuff...money down the toilet. If he has to have crayons for homework, keep them on the top shelf in the kitchen and only take them down when he is doing homework - and make him do the homework at the kitchen table/counter and supervise while you are paying bills or cooking dinner, etc. That way he doesn't have a chance to do things behind your back and become destructive in his room. Make sure he knows you are watching him do his work so he can ask for help if he needs it...also let him know he cannot play or have dessert or have any extra privileges like tv or video games until all his homework and chores are completed. I would also take out everything he destroys - if he can't treat things respectfully, then he does now deserve them - i would take the desk and lamp, etc and tell him that pretty soon his room will be empty if he chooses to keep destroying things. He will get the picture that you are not messing around - he is old enough to know better. After a couple weeks of the new routine (and by routine - make sure he has a schedule and rules written down so he is aware of expectations and consequences), he should get the hang of it.
My 8 year old daughter would never keep her room clean and it drove my husband crazy so he would always get frustrated and tell her she 'knows' she needs to have a clean room, so he would take away her video games or something...but I asked him how he knew she knew that was a rule....so I sat her down and told her that we 'expect' her room to be clean by bedtime (set a time limit), and that if it wasn't clean, then she would lose a privilege (consequence). So if she decides she doesn't want to clean one day, she can accept the consequence. Yesterday instead of the usual nagging, I just asked her if she remembered the new rule about cleaning her room and she said yes - and when we went upstairs for bedtime, it was clean! She knew the expectations and decided to make the right choice and we totally avoided the usual frustration at night. Sometimes kids need it laid out for them even though we think they should know already.....hope this helps!!!

Hi R.,
I see you have gotten some really good advice. I just wanted to add an idea that I seen from the TV show "The Strictest Parents" or something like that.

Anyway, I would talk to him first and let him know that his behavior is unacceptable. And from this point on there will be consequences for this kind of behavior.

If he writes on furniture in his room, like the desk and lamp, remove it and make him earn it back. This was one solution that was done on the tv show. It was actually done for teen agers, however, you can adjust it to fit his age level.

As for the homework, talk to him and see if there is a reason that he finds it hard to concentrate on doing his work. If need be, help to make the homework interesting for him. For example: If he is doing spelling words ask him to put the words in the most creative story he can think of. Help him to use his imagination in a more constructive way.

If he is simply refusing to do his homework, remind him that he can't play games, watch t.v.,or do any other things that he likes to do until his homework is completed. Be blessed!