A Question About: Asking for Help.

It's hard for some people to ask for help. Any kind of help.

Some people think they need to do it all by themselves, but then secretly get frustrated because they feel like others should OFFER to help.

My thought: People are not mind-readers. If you need help, you need to ask for it. If that means you have to gt past pride, guilt, shame, whatever then that's what you need to do.

I think there is a difference asking for help and expecting a hand out. Most people think that they are owed something from someone. Then there are those people that need the help and are too proud to ask for help and will do anything they can to get themselves out of the trouble that they are in. Help is all around it is just the capacity that a person is asking for it and their attitude.

I ask for help for anything... if/when I need help.
Because, I can, ask for help.

It has NO bearing on me, as an individual... per whether or not I am incompetent or competent.
Asking for help, is, about, getting varied views/thoughts on things.
Before "I" make the final decision.

Asking for help, has NOTHING to do, with being 'dependent' or 'independent.' It is not, correlated, nor that linear.

I give help when/if asked.
I do not resent helping. UNLESS... the request is from a whiney/lazy/grumbling/useless/habitually lazy person, that does NOTHING to help him/herself, and makes it a habit of "using" people.
I know the difference between that and someone who does genuinely need help.

I help, if it arises.
It is not always a priority.
But for my family whom I live with daily, yes, it is a priority.

Priorities, are thought = action.
But, having thoughts/ideas about it... are beneficial too... when discerning situations and teaching HOW to discern it, to your kids.

Interesting question!

I feel that many people have an aversion to asking for help. I am not sure why people feel it is negative, if it is partly the reasons you stated above, or if society in general seems to frown on it.

I absolutely ask for help when I need to, and I nearly always find that people are happy to help. I ask for strangers for directions when I'm lost; asked a new neighbor to borrow their lawnmower; asked my mother in law to come pick up my son and babysit him when hubby and I were really ill. Opportunities like these make me feel closer to my community and reassure me that most people are GOOD people. It also spurs me on to return the service and help others out.

I think what we resent is the fact that the gov't tells us we have to help and keep raising our taxes to do so.

It is a great feeling when you volunteer your time, effort and money willingly but when your money is taken from you, it's not a good feeling at all, mostly because we know how crooked the gov't is. Private charities do much more to help others than the gov't does.

I think your question showed one of the reasons why people struggle asking for help. Asking for help often has nothing to do with independence/dependence . We are at a time in our economy, where people who have never had to ask for help...are asking for help. Not because they are dependent, but because they can't make it on their own. There is a difference between, say...a person who lives off others...and a person who needs help to get by. There are a whole lot of people who need help to get by right now.

No one HAS to help. If someone is allowing themselves to be forced into helping someone and they don't want to, it's THEIR own fault. THEY are helping, no one has a gun to their head. They have no right to resent someone else, when they have the power to say "No."

I look for ways to serve, because I think it's our duty as humans to help those around us. I think the world we be such a more wonderful place, if we really tried to help others...and took responsibility for our place on the earth...and didn't live such a "me" centric life.

I think there are certain things its ok to ask for help on- I never ask for money (I have asked a parent for money before but NO ONE else). I never ask friends to watch my kids unless we have a mutual childcare arrangement. I don't want to impose on anyone and I certainly don't want someone watching my kids who sees it as an imposition, so to avoid that situation I don't ask anybody other than my parents or my regular sitter.

Same goes for me. I do not want to be imposed upon for either of those things. Also, my friends know my family situation and know that my schedule is tight, so asking something of me that would be unreasonably demanding is out of the question. But on that note, I'm totally OK with saying 'No.'

Having been on both ends, I know that it can be very very hard to ask for help. But it can also make someone feel so good to help another in need, and, if we let ourselves, it can truly feel good to be helped. But it is hard. I don't know if I could speak for "society," but that has certainly been the case for me.

It is hard to ask for help. I hate feeling like I cant handle the situation by myself. I have had to learn how to ask for help. Alot of times, if I wait to long to ask for help I seem ungrateful or like I expect help immediately. I am learning to ask before I get to frazzled..That way it doesnt come off wrong.

Now, when it come to this place for asking for help...I tend to weigh the possible responses that could come back to me...with how serious the situation is...If I feel like /i am going to get blasted I tend not to ask.

There is nothing I love more then to help. I love giving my opinions when they are helpful. I love sharing my personal experiences and things that I have had on my plate, if it means helping someone through something!!

I look for service opportunities often. I have my name and number in just about every volunteer organizations. Just this month I will be working at our Folk Life Festival. I go and work at United Gospel Mission, serving food and just visiting those who dont always have people stop and listen to them. I also collect blankets from people throughout my area to take and hand out to homeless people in Down town Seattle. This is something I started doing a few years ago, I am hoping to eventually have an active charity based out of my home town to make this a bigger thing. My kids give every month to our churches foundation Operation Blessing, it is a place for low income/homeless people and families to come and get food assistance, help with emergency bills and stuff along those lines. They also collect back packs and school supplies for local public school kids in the area.

I think instill the heart to give and do things for others, is one of the biggest things to live by. You will never find yourself in hardship if you have had a giving heart. You never know, the person you help may one day be someone who can help you when your may be in need.

So although it may be hard for me personally to ask for help, I always hope that people wont ever stop asking me too help. My job would be done though if there came a day no body needed me!!!

I love these questions!!

I grew up in a large extended family where we were always helping one another. We are still a large extended family that keeps in touch and helps one another out.
We were meant to live like that. In all studies of long lived people they have extended families and intergenerational friendships.
Personally I have extended families of friends overseas where I have worked for four months a year for more than half my working life.
Ask for help when it is needed and give it when it is needed. Do not hesitate to cook for and deliver food for another family when there is a crisis or when a new baby is born.
In my village all the elderly women took one day a week to make a meal for a very elderly, childless widow who had been the "godmother" of the village children for generations. They ate with her on the night it was their turn.
This one loving act kept her out of the old age home for several years.
People in the village share their lives. The young mothers trade off day care each one working a couple of days a week and caring for others children the same number of days. There is no daycare in the village. Though a few firms are located there that do employ people.

I learned to ask for help, but it is hard. I feel ok asking someone to babysit if I have babysat for them first. I really have to be in an emergency to ask someone to watch my kid if I haven't done something for them first.

American society is build on individualism, and "can do." Unfortunately, I think that that often translates to a weaker community/help network, and a reliance on oneself and/or one's immediate family. For me personally, I have struggled with asking for help, because for a long time in my mind, it was akin to failure (which it is not and I'm teaching myself otherwise). Having a child really forced me to confront this, and to be able to better vocalize my need for help, even from my own spouse (you would think that I wouldn't struggle to ask for help from him, right? LOL).

I think some of us have lucked into (by birth) or found on our own, supportive communities through church or through other organizations through which we are active. I am lucky I have found a supportive community through my local Unitarian Universalist church. But even still, I struggle.

Wow, Ephie, are you writing a book? Another great question...

As an individual, I think I am pretty good about asking for help. As a friend, I appreciate when a friend asks for help, as long as they are also helping themselves as much as possible. By this, I mean that if my friend is asking for my time or resources, that they aren't frittering away their own.

There *are* times I resent having to help others. One in particular that comes to mind is a neighbor who has an old, blind dog, yet never seems capable of putting a leash on the poor pooch. Two years ago I found the dog wandering along a busy road three blocks away and returned him. Fast forward to yesterday morning, when I had to yell up to her house because her dog was in the road (again!) and she was nowhere to be seen. I like the dog, but sheesh...

We recently had some concerns about our family becoming out of balance, and our son was part of that picture. I am fortunate that our son's preschool teachers (also old friends of ours) were willing to have a problem-solving session at our request, and the situation has been resolved. I was lucky: I had good resources and knew who to turn to, who to ask, and it was handled with a minimum of fuss.

As a society, I think we've marginalized people on both ends of the spectrum: those people who have it together are sneered at and labeled 'perfect' or 'soccer mom' or any number of derisives. Likewise, people who are hurting and needing help are also frowned upon for not being able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. What I've noticed is that many of those "together" people I know have a knack for asking the right people for help and not complaining about their problem to everyone else. They just get it done, get it solved. People wearing their need on the outside usually have very limited resources, and may not even know how, or who, to ask for help. They may not have been given permission in their younger years to either have needs or ask for help. Many people have families which expect their kids to be self-sufficient, and this can have an impact as well.

I think the media also plays into this. When we see people, or couples, with problems to resolve, they are usually terribly out of whack. (Think Dr. Phil, Supernanny, any reality show). We don't see couples or families who are just a little out of balance and need a small tweak or too, because that doesn't make 'good tv'. We see the whole "freakshow" of parents and kids, and I think this exposure does harm them in the long run. TV keeps them just far enough removed from the average person's existence as to be unrelatable. Mostly, I hear comments like "I'm glad I'm not that way! How could they get to that point!?"

Lastly, I'd love to see some change in society as a whole about our thinking around asking for counseling and help, for our selves and our relationships with others. Marriage counseling should be a maintainence effort (much like having your car maintained) and not a last-ditch stop before divorce court. Personal counseling should be a first consideration as well. Just recently I went to the doctor for an ongoing health issue which is aggravated by stress: his first suggestion was to put me on Prozac; he didn't even ask if I'd gone to talk with someone. (And the Prozac, incidentally, would've had had a worse effect on me due to my symptoms!) All that to say, we don't always appreciate counseling and mediation and benefits of both these resources. Better than divorces, runaway kids and suing each other.

I feel that some people have way too much pride. There is help out there, but the minute we try to ask for it, we are looked down upon by society. We are also taught to be strong. A lot of people feel like when they need help, it is a sign of weakness or failure. Pride plays a huge part in everyday life. We are all on this "I'd rather do it myself", because of the possible negative reactions that we do get, when we try to ask for help with anything. Its sad that we have become so afraid of living, of helping, of caring. Thanks for the post. I think we all have our eyes open a little wider, at least for tonight.

In what specific context do you mean 'help'?

:)

There is no shame in asking for help. I admire people who show enough courage to ask questions if they don't know the answer and need help!
M

I don't often ask for help, just not in my nature.

I do give help when asked. I do resent having to help IF the person is taking advantage of me or never is appreciative or returns favors.

I do look for opportunities to be of service quite often. I don't think it is a priority but it does make me feel better.

Priorities differ in certain situations but I know mine are to help and feel like I have helped. I always want to be the best me I can be. I don't always have the time or funds to help but I always find ways to help in some way.

I enjoy helping. I inherited it from both sides of my family. Mom and dad were always helping someone.

I'm on mamapedia because I feel I can help those asking for help.

If I help someone and they get back in the same hole because they ignored my advice I'm less likely to help a third time.

Good luck to you and yours.