A Wee Bit Disappointed

Can't beat around the bush. Honey get dressed so we can go take a walk
And stop for a drink! That he would understand and "get."

I am sorry. I will try to correct my statement but the fact is still--vegetarian friends often say lets go out to eat. But, I hesitate because I am a meat and potatoes (with my salad) kinda girl.

The unemployment remark is because I have recently been there. It builds resentment to the other partner who is employed.

You're not "out of line," but it would be much easier to just say -- "Let's go have some us time. How about a drink, while we've got built-in babysitters?"

The less you make him read your mind, the happier you will be.

You have to spell things out implicitly for husbands. My husband frequently tells me that instead of passive aggressively saying things like "are you playing your game tonight?" I need to say "I want to spend time with you tonight, stay upstairs" or he doesn't get it. Instead of saying "let's get a drink" you should have said "I want to spend alone time with you, let's go to the bar for happy hour". Husbands are not mind readers. You're only going to drive yourself crazy by assuming they know what you mean if you don't spell it out.

This is a classic case of you having way more going on in your mind than your husband gets. I do it too, I think most women do to an extent but you're not accepting or getting it. Yes, once you DID explain you needed some "us time" it was rude of him not to care. BUT, there's more to this.

Your perspective: A year long overview of how may date nights you've had and how hard you've been working in a frustrating unemployed time leading you to be really set on a little socializing with hubby without your daughter-and to top it all off, you had NO DINNER because everyone else ate what they wanted and your daughter likes your husband better and you're not appreciated in your whole family, but if ONLY he would jump at the chance to go have a drink when you mention it-with no explanation-then you'll feel better. And after dinner when you asked AGAIN and spelled out the "us time" (which took the specialness away because you shouldn't have to explain), he should have understood. I get it. Very frustrating for sure.

His perspective: No history whatsoever attached. He is happy and relaxed with his parents and feeling fine and sees no reason to spend money and go out because he's CONTENT. When you asked again, he was even more content and tired because he was full of delicious seafood and he's on vacation and wants to relax (his parents aren't stressful to him and he's not seeing that no one respects you and that his daughter doesn't "like" you-that's your own feeling and if it's true, it's a SEPARATE issue based on his spoiling her.....but not to be attached to happy hour..).

Your question: Am I out of line to feel like I had to explain that sneaking away meant "us time"?????.

Yes, because guys never get that. I would have had to explain too.

As for his accusation of you "starting a fight" this shows you guys have other issues. If your relationship was in healthy place, this proposition to go have a drink would have no gravity at all, no matter what his response was. The fact that you're attaching so much, and then he's denying your request for attention and accusing you of picking a fight for asking twice-speaks to more trouble.

I'm a vegetarian too. I realize that going out to dinner on family vacations is about SOCIALIZING and that missing one meal in my life is of no real consequence to me. Also, I've never been to a steak house, seafood restaurant or countrified house of fried food that wouldn't rig up something for me. There is no way that ALL they had there is fish and no sides. There must have been some green beans, bread, potatoes, slaw, whatever, for you to gnaw on while socializing. Is it a bummer? meh. No big deal. Now if your husband took you there for your birthday......different story. Every polite vegetarian I know is very experienced by adulthood at NOT making their own diet and issue for anyone else at the table. I'm sure you were polite at the time, but you formed a grudge about it. If you made ANY show of "poor me"-no matter how subtle- and your husband picked up on it, then you were already on his nerves when you asked the second time to go out. Fair? Maybe not but it's the way it is.

So, perhaps you are a little demanding and attention seeking at other times too. And maybe he's a little negligent of your desires all the time. Or maybe not, maybe this one particular evening was totally out of character for everyone.

But it sounds like there are some other issues happening. Like being frustrated with your lack of income. Like his attachment to his family and spoiling of your daughter, like your having to explain you wanted some alone time with him.

You are justified in your feelings, but you can choose your feelings. Try to let this go and move forward with a positive attitude. If you are always doing your best to be thoughtful and make allowances, then you can have an easier time pinning his wrongdoings on him-and he'll have less wrongdoings because there will be less general friction. Keep issues separate and deal with them one at a time. Don't cluster them all into one event and feel let down in every way when it doesn't happen.

Sorry the night was no fun, and I hope that the rest of visit is better!

Well, you're presumptuous. I have a feeling all of this could have been avoided by just saying, "hey honey, let's go out and have an hour with just us."
I mean, why wouldn't you have just said that?

Also, I don't see how this was giving into your daughter's demands, when you wanted a break. You asked for a drink, and he didn't want a drink. Just ask for what you actually WANT.

**There is really no way to know a place won't have something to eat, until you get there. Almost all places have a vegetarian option. They didn't even have a salad, or grilled veggies? Bread? Potatoes? Pasta? Soup? Nothing?

Please don't spoil the rest of your vacation with this. Tomorrow is a new day-ask in the morning- I'd love to spend some time with you this afternoon while we have wonderful babysitters. What about a walk on the beach or a drink at happy hour or something you want to suggest?? Guys do not think exactly like women so you have to spell it out. I think you feel like you got snubbed on your afternoon and then were shut out for dinner too. Your husband probably sensed your anger and wasn't anxious to argue.
I can't believe the restaurant didn't have any food you could eat-vegetables, potatoes or rice, bread, dessert. You were a good sport to go, and then a poor sport to sit there while everyone ate.
I hope you find some things to enjoy about the rest of your vacation.

Men! Yes, you need to spell it out for him. You have to say, "Hey, since your parents are here, maybe we could ask them to babysit for an hour or so and have a little quiet time together!"

As Dr. Phil will say, "You have to put the dots really close together for us." Sorry, but there are some Dr. Phil'isms that I just love!

Think you guys could sneak off for a little brunch before they leave? See if you can think of something to do tomorrow morning, even if it's just a slow walk around the neighborhood.

Hmmmm.. Well I guess you have 2 options, considering its about midweek in your vacation (that in laws helped to fund, although they're only staring part of the time!):
1. Mope around and make everyone else uncomfortable ( probably like they were as you say at dinner not eating)
Or
2. Enjoy this family getaway knowing its back to school/work/grind soon as the beach becomes a faint memory...

Seriously, sounds like your husband wanted some true "decompression" time. Sounds like he's earned it.
It might not be about you or your relationship--maybe he just wanted to read. Don harp on it is my advice.
Go thank him for the vacation and ask if he'd like to take a little walk on the beach once you're sure the kids are asleep.

I think it was just bad timing, really. It's easy to feel like everyone else is running the show in the situation you described.

It may have helped to have been more direct: "Hey, honey, how about you ask your folks to watch bebe, so we can reconnect for an hour or so."

I'm mostly veg (do enjoy our friends from the sea, as I have a diet which limits my veg-option proteins).. that said, do try to find some balance and some peace during the remainder of the trip. (And I've been in that situation, many times, where I have had nothing available to eat. I know it stinks. Bread and margarine, please?)

(Ronda, it sounds like your friends are a bit rude about being veg. I have been mostly veg for about 15 years now and I *never* comment on other people's meat choices! Neither does my friend who is vegan. We aren't on a crusade, just doing it for ourselves, and could care less what others eat.)

He's "on" all the time if he's working, your daughter is demanding of him, and now he's with parents. He likely just wanted to turn off and not have to talk even to you. Maybe it'd felt like a long day to him. How about trying again tomorrow for a quick lunch out? I used to want to just veg instead of dates too sometimes. I'd also fight going out until I did it and found out how good it was for me. Try to insist on lunch or breakfast out or just a half hour walk on the beach. For the latter, say we don't have to talk. After 10 min, he'll probably be ready to.

I don't know if this is new for you, but if I want "us time" with my husband, I say "us time". Men are more literal, generally. You can be coy and subtle and be disappointed, or you can say "honey, I want to spend time alone with you" so he's not clueless.

Now, re. the daughter thing, you may "want to give him a break", but if he doesn't want one, then don't worry about it.

You may want to read the 5 love languages book. For you, love is spending time, for him, showing love might be something else. If you don't know, you can build up hurt and annoyance (like you are now) for no good reason other than mutual cluelessness.

aw, sweetie. i'd be disappointed too. your husband is a bonehead. of COURSE he needs relax-and-read time, but i'm so sorry he didn't take advantage of a custom-made opportunity for some alone time with you.
i'm guessing that the strain of the financial situation is part of it (money is so toxic, isn't it?) and also the subtle but palpable tensions of being in close quarters with family. it does sound as if you are pretty tense, and i'll bet the bitterness is leaching out in ways you don't realize.
one small problem can be alleviated if you take advantage of the 'seafood' dinners to go to a nice vegan cafe and have an hour to yourself while the carnivores chow down. on the other hand, while that would be a big treat for me, it may be that solitude isn't what you're after (especially since your goofy dh is declining your invitations to be alone with you.)
i have to tell you, when we go out en famille to an establishment where one family member *can't* eat and doesn't, it almost always comes off as sulky and resentful, and everyone wishes the abstainer had simply not come. the only way to head this off is to be truly and genuinely sparkly and cheerful about it, and it sounds as if you ain't. so figure out some way of declining the no-salad-available meals.
i don't think you can fix this while you're on vacation. all you can really do is put on a good face and try not to guerilla your dh with guilt trips for what he's clearly (and frustratingly) not able to do for you at this point. your resentment is not only making you feel crappy, it's certainly seeping out and making everyone else uncomfortable.
once you're home, you can start working on better communication tools for both of you, either through counseling or just plain old research, and practice. you're obviously on different pages when it comes to marital give and take, as well as parenting philosophies. all of that can be fixed. but not in a few days, and not under the current situation.
you're not out of line, but you may well be a bit out of touch as to how your natural disappointment is manifesting. do your best to enjoy your family and have fun during the rest of your vacation, and keep the bar (temporarily) low as to your expectations.
good luck, hon!
khairete
S.

I suggest you get his parents on board by telling them you'd like some alone time with hubby. Then ask them if they'd take kiddo so you two can be alone for at least a couple of hours.

You really do have to be blunt with the husband about what you want. He was clueless, so you should have said what you said to us: That you only get 3-4 times a YEAR to have a date night, and this was a perfect opportunity for a mini-date. Let's go!

As for the restaurant, I would not assume (based upon what you said here) that they planned to go somewhere that there would be nothing for you to eat. Most restaurants (seafood or not) offer salads. Why not assume the best and that they assumed the restaurant choice had salads like most of them do? When the dinner plans were being discussed, were you part of the conversation? If not, why not? Did you pull up the menu online and look (for your own needs) to see if they offered salads on the menu? Or did you assume someone else would be looking out for your needs?

Of course it would be nice of husband to look out for your needs in that way, but if you typically do that for yourself, then you shouldn't expect him to do so this time. So what is typical in a dinner out situation? Does everyone always just assume there are salad offerings, and if not, who does the checking in advance? Is it typically you?
That is what you are operating from. If you failed to check in advance, then that is on you, not the rest of the family. They weren't being inconsiderate. They were operating under the status quo.

Well, you (as a couple) can certainly go out without your daughter - if you both will enjoy it - and your husband didn't seem ready to go out on that particular night.
Your in-laws can also take your daughter out while you and Hubby stay in - which will accomplish the 'us time' without dealing with going to a bar.
When you want to be with him - tell him plainly so you are both on the same page.
Get creative and be flexible about how/when you can connect and get together.

How about "Honey, I need a little us time. How about we do something together while your parents watch the kids?" Most men don't get hints so you have to come right out and ask.

Your daughter is velcroed to Daddy because you are around all the time and he isn't. Kids bounce from one parent to the other their whole lives so just wait a bit and it'll be all about Mommy soon.

I highly suggest that you get a little me time while on vacation. Whether is taking a walk or getting a manicure - let him sit at home and relax while watching your LO and you go do something.

As with many of these questions, the problem isn't that you had to clarify what you meant. The problem is that he didn't want to take the opportunity to have a date night when you suggested it. You say you feel really alone. That's the bigger problem here, IMO. Not happy hour.

And as for the dinner, I would have said, "I understand you want seafood. You know I am a vegetarian. Let's look online at menus to see what restaurant gets us both what we want."

I'm sorry you are feeling sad. I can totally understand. At the same time, you can't expect your husband to read your mind if you didn't say to him exactly what you wrote here.

I think you should talk about this tomorrow or later - once you aren't sad anymore, but can say more clearly "I feel like we are growing apart, and I'm lonely. Can we try to have some couple time every now and then?" Don't make it about last night (even though that was trigger for you). Use last night as a reminder that every marriage needs a little renewing every now and then, and especially in times of stress.

ES, I'm sorry that your husband is such a stick-in-the-mud.

I do think that lots of times at the beach, people want to go eat seafood. Last year I missed my beach vacation and while my husband was on a lengthy business trip, I actually went to restaurants just to eat seafood so that it would remind me of being at the beach... silly, yeah, I know!

I don't know why you've gotten static here about being a vegetarian and wanting to have a drink. Good grief. This isn't about "friends" inviting friends out to eat. This is about family going out to eat. We have a vegetarian in our extended family too, and we always make sure that there is SOMETHING she can eat when we all go out. I'd feel all kinds of bad if she were sitting there with nothing in front of her.

If I were you, I'd go off on your own and leave your daughter with your husband. Go down to the beach and comb for shells. Go shopping. Take a drive. Once he is IN CHARGE of that child, her constant demanding will get old and he will decide that he has to tell her NO once in a while. When he fusses that you aren't around, tell him that he made you feel unwanted and like the hired help. If he doesn't like it, screw him.

Your husband didn't want to sneak away because he is ONLY thinking of himself. Right now, this vacation isn't about you. It's about him spending time with his family. And he is taking you totally for granted. Fine. If he doesn't want to go out with you, go out YOURSELF.

If my husband did this to me when we were vacationing with his family, he'd be in the doghouse for a month.