Adult Daughter Not Speaking with Me, Wants Apology

What does she want you to apologize for? Can't really give advice before hearing both sides of the story.

I would love to offer advice here - we are going through something similar in my family...but I would give more information if I wanted real, helpful advice. Let us help you and provide more information.

Maybe you can simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you took it like that" rather than apologize for what you said/did.

Never in the history of confession did a priest say don't apologize. Actually they don't judge the merit of your confession either. Priests are not therapists nor are we.

how nice that your confessor told you that you did nothing wrong.
how much good is that doing you?
you can be right or you can have a relationship with your daughter.
khairete
S.

I have no idea if you did anything wrong or not. This post gives no information to go on.

Well, from your post, you did nothing wrong. I mean, you start by saying other people have told you that you did nothing wrong, you don't admit to doing anything wrong, yet you are having migraines and are heart broken.

Sorry, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, if I was asking for help from people. I would at least tell them where the problem was. What it was I said or did which was so upsetting to my kid. No one knows what you should do because either you aren't being straight with us or not being straight with yourself. Only you can decide if you really want to solve the problem more than you want to be 'right'.

If the priest did, in fact, tell you that you did nothing wrong, he was being irresponsible. That's not to say you did do something wrong, but he doesn't have all the information (has no idea what her side is) and should in no way tell you not to apologize to your daughter.

I would encourage you not to think of giving an apology as admitting guilt. It's not the same thing. Maybe you did something wrong. Maybe you didn't do something you could have done. Maybe you just weren't there for her in the way that she thought you should be.

I would apologize to her. I would call her up and say, "I'm sorry if I let you down. Please talk to me and tell me why you are upset. What can I do? How can we heal."

This isn't just about you. It's about your daughter, too. Reach out to her.

Without more information it is hard to say who we think is in the right, but the real question is how important is being "right" to you? Is it worth your relationship with your daughter? I guess that may depend on the exact issue at play...

welcome to mamapedia, D..

Are you married to her father?
Does she talk about you and your failings to him and he talks with you? is that why you know she wants an apology from you? Because otherwise - how would you KNOW if she's NOT talking with you?!
What did you do that she wants an apology for?
Why do you feel you don't owe her an apology? You realize just because you were NOT wrong, doesn't mean you aren't behaving appropriately.

You are acting like a victim here. Stop being a victim. Meet with your daughter face-to-face. Talk it out. Bring ANY and ALL facts, documentation, etc. you have to the meeting to prove your point.

If you don't want to deal with this head on? You need to stop being a victim and not allow her to drag other people into it. If her father (hopefully your husband) begins to discuss the matter with you? Tell him that he needs to stop being manipulated by his daughter and if she is a TRUE ADULT, she will come to you and discuss it.

You have a choice to make, and you only have two options. Either apologize to her as she wants you to do so that you can resume communication, or hold your ground and accept she may not speak to you for a long time.

Even though neither you nor your priest think you did anything wrong, she does. You will have to decide how important your stance on the situation is to you when weighed against the consequences.

I just find it so hard to believe that a Priest would tell you that you did nothing wrong. If you did so, why not explain what happened here?

Sounds like family counseling is necessary. If she is unwilling to go? It shows she lacks the maturity to see both sides of the situation and make it better.

in they eyes of your daughter you did do something wrong. just because some guy in a confessional says you didn't does not mean anything.your distressed because deep down you know you did something wrong, what should you do? apologise and move on.

What should you do?
Get a hobby and keep yourself social and busy.
Either she will talk to you again someday or she won't.
Don't hold your breath over this.
Best way to respond is to go on living as happily as you can.
It's good to take a break and get some distance from this.
The whole 'I'm not talking to you' thing is manipulative in itself and down right childish.
It's clear she has some growing up to do.
Leave her to it.

There are two sides to every story. You don't give any info about what your daughter's perspective or concerns are. Your brief description here doesn't give us anything to go on.

I'm surprised that a priest at confession would say, "You did nothing wrong." Maybe you didn't give enough info to have the priest say you needed to apologize to God, but I can't believe you were told not to sit down with your daughter and have a discussion, perhaps with apologies on both sides. What did you go to confess if you don't feel some role in this dispute?

You say she calls her father and "is trying to be manipulative" - is that her father's view, or yours? Do you have the whole story? Who is she trying to manipulate? You? Her father? The family member with the drug problem?

Stress and migraines don't help anyone to work things out. You can get more counseling from a priest or a therapist, you can go to Al-Anon to learn how to deal with a family member's alcohol (or drug) problem, and you can set up joint counseling/family therapy for yourself/husband/daughter. You may not wish to share confidential info in an online forum like Mamapedia, but since this is your first post and we know nothing about your family situation, I think all we can do is encourage you to convey your obvious love for your daughter to her in a way that doesn't convey your feelings of being manipulated or stressed. The only way to "love unconditionally" is to reach out to her. But you have to be open to perhaps a portion of this being something you can correct or change. That's why a third party can be a helpful moderator.

Did you tell your priest as little as you told us? Is SHE the family member with the drug problem? You haven't told us anything here. How would we know if you should apologize or not?

Why don't you go to a counselor, someone who will not be biased?

Either way, you need to stop letting her cause you drama. Tell your husband not to tell you the stuff she says. When you "take a vacation from the drama", your migraines will quit.

Is your daughter the one with a serious drug problem? In order for me to get the whole problem, I would need to have more details.. Especially what the fight was about..

How do you know she wants an apology if she is not speaking to you? Maybe she was just angry or venting, and said that in the heat of an emotional moment and wasn't even thinking logically. If she's telling her father she wants an apology from you, the appropriate response from him should be that she should initiate that conversation and tell you that herself. He should tell her he is not going to play go-between and share their conversations with you. I think you should give this some more time and let her be for awhile. After a little more time has passed, tell her that you miss her and contact her to see if she is willing to meet you in person. And that you will hear her out about what it is that upset her so much. Hope she has had enough time to cool down. If she agrees to meet, go and do more listening than talking. Validate her feelings. It's not about being right and shouldn't have to apologize. You may have to agree to disagree. At some point, you may consider apologizing that things got so rough between you two, or that you are sorry she has been hurting so much.

You were already given advice by your priest, whom I assume was given more details than we were.

If he said to continue to love her unconditionally then he's saying to move on and don't stress about it. You need to let it go and if you truly did nothing wrong, let her come to that conclusion on her own. Then she will apologize, you will accept and you will all be happy again. Good luck.

Honestly what you wrote sounds like you feel you are 'right' and therefore do not need to apologize.

Sometimes being right is not going to bring you peace, and having peace means not proving how right you are.

Here is a scenario since I do not know the problem. You mention the person had a drug problem either to 1) vent or 2) to find help, and your daughter felt you gossiped about a person's troubles to people who did not need to know. You say you did nothing wrong and she feels differently to the point of not speaking to you. Can you see how both you and your daughter can think you are right (or that you are wrong)?

You understandably keep the story short and free of details, but I don't see why it's so harmful to apologize to your daughter, if there's something to apologize for.

Who told you that you did nothing wrong? A pastor, God, your friends? Only you can make that right/wrong decision.

If you daughter is on drugs or is codependent with someone who is, then if you are not being tolerant of the situation, then yes, you're probably in the right. Drugs = tough love. No other way around it or you are an enabler.

This is reminding me of all the people on Facebook who say all these things about how grateful they are that their daughter is alive and out or their husband survived 'it' and so on and so on. I have asked people right out what happened under these circumstances and then they say they are extremely private people and won't tell you what we were supposed to pray for. I am totally confused. Who is supposed to apologize? Why, in this anonymous website would it not be possible to just tell us a little more of what is going on...If you didn't do anything wrong what are you confessing about? apologizing for? How can we even help you? Sorry I don't mean to be harsh here but I am totally baffled.What is she trying to be manipulative about?

Is she being defensive with the person doing the drugs? You didn't tell us much. Give her time. Find ways to keep yourself busy. Your daughter will come around when shes ready.