I am currently 8 months pregnant with my second child. One of my very close co-workers who has become a close friend of my family was also pregnant. She was a little over 5 months. I haven't spoken to her in about 3 weeks. We work in different dept and different shifts so it is common for us to play phone tag. We both had our first sons 5 months apart. I just found out today from her that she lost the baby. In those 3 weeks she found out the baby had birth defects, downs, and then a few days later went into labor. It could not be stopped she said and she delievered a son who died about 1 hour later. Then she buried her child a few days ago. I am also to have a son in Sept. I feel awful. I don't know what to do or say. I'm not mad she didn't tell me till now, I just feel terrible that I wasn't there to help her through this time. I'm not sure how to help her. She kind of sounds like oh everything is ok and I'm fine, but I can here the change in her voice and that she is just trying to be ok. She even said that we should get together and hang out later in the week. I feel awful meeting her with my big pregnant belly. I don't know if anyone has gone through this or has any advice on what I can do to help her. I'm not worried about my own needs or concerns with this, I just want to be able to help her through this difficult time. Any supportive advice would be greatly appreciated.
Lisa K says it wonderfully! Be there for her, ask her to lunch, listen to her but don't take it personally if she needs some distance from you, now. That's so sad. It's so nice you are being so sensitive to her feeling! What a nice friend.
The best thing you can do it to just tell her how truly sorry you are . She is hurting and only time will heal . Let her talk and try to just listen . What ever you do don't say it was for the best or that it will get easier . Just let her know you are there for her and you are sorry this happened. Please try to be happy that your baby is coming soon. Try not to feel guilty . She feels bad she lost her baby but will be happy for you . If she distances herself for a little bit it is because it's a reminder of what she lost .Take care.
Gosh that is so hard. I am stumped always with what to say or do in situations such as these. The fact you are close friends should make that a little easier, and the best thing I think would be is to just let her know that you are there if she needs someone to talk to. There's a chance she might keep her distance from you because you are pregnant, understandably so until she has time to really grieve her loss. Keep the ball in her court, and when she's ready to see you she will, I wouldn't push it unless she is. If she knows she isn't ready, than most likely she'll wait, don't you think? She knows what's best for her, and if that's hanging with you, than so be it. If she isn't ready to hang w/ a pregnant friend, talking on the phone and letting her vent and cry is just as good. I don't know how comfortable youd be mentioning your guilty feelings to her, it might break the ice and relieve the awkwardness of the situation altogether. She might be thinking your feeling that way too and doesn't want you feeling bad for still being pregnant. She might feel terrible you feel that way. The most important thing I guess is to let her know you are there for her. It is devastating, but reassure her that she will get through this time and time itself will heal. Good Luck, she sounds like she has a good friend that I'm sure she will need!!
hearing about such loss is always hard. when i was prgnant with my daughter(now6), my hubby's sister was pregnant at the same time. i beleive she was due about a month before me. we were both 4/6 months when she lost her baby. i gave her her time and when she was ready she came to see me. my daughter was nearly a month old by the time she was comfortable. it happened again when i was pregnant with my son(5). the same sister. we got the phone call as soon as we turned our cell phones back on from leaving the ultrasound. i again gave her time, still feeling aweful. it was hard for her to even be around us at family parties. i truely think that she is not very close to us because some form of recentment, she lost 2 i had 2. she did have her own baby last year and since then our relationship has gotten better. time is really all one can offer when a child dies, whether it's a miscarriage, stil birth, or the child is older. offer your sympathies and just wait for her. send her an email once a week until she is ready to talk, just let her know that you love and care for her. best of luck
I don't think you have to say anything. Of course, you will be considerate when discussing your baby and your excitement. Allow her to bring up the subject in regards to your pregnancy. My little brother died and I want to talk about him all the time and it helped to discuss stuff. Ask a few questions and if she is reluctant that I wouldn't press it, but she may just want to have you listen to her and you won't have to say anything. Say what comes from you heart and you won't go wrong. Then behave and interact with her as you would before.
I was in a similar situation a little over a year ago. My friend and co-worker was pregnant with her first child and I was with my second. She was due about 2-3 months before me. She had a normal pregnancy and went into labor, there were severe copmlications during delivery and three days later she lost her son.
I can't tell you how awful I felt for her. I too felt totally lost as to how to help and also worried that my hugely pregnant state at the time would upset her. Luckily she was on maternity leave so she didn't have to see me on a daily basis but she did come to visit while she was on leave and I was in my 8th or 9th month. I just let her talk. And that's what she needed. She wanted to talk about it and cry about it and know that whatever she did or said I'd be ok with it and I would listen and I did. I told her that I had no words to comfort her, that this was beyond comfort but that I loved her and I was here for whatever she may need from me.
She just had a healthy baby boy about a month ago and she's doing great. She still misses her first son and I can tell that seeing my son who is 3 months younger then hers would have been is still painful but it would be for anyone I think.
Just tell her your sorry and that your here in any way she needs, even if that means avoiding you for a bit. Just maintain contact every few days and let her be however she needs to be.
K.,
I did not lose a baby at that stage, but I did have two miscarriages at 10 weeks. The best thing to do is let her know you are there for her, when she is ready to talk. Do not say anything like, "it was for the best, God knows what He is doing, etc., because unless you have been through the situation, you have no idea the pain. Just let her know you are there for her.
The day our first child came home from the hospital our best friends had an appoinment to hear their babies heart beat. The baby did not have a heart beat. She was 4 months pregnant and it was really hard to decide what to do. We had my mom stay with our daughter and we went to be with them for several hours that day. We were just very honest and asked them if they needed some time before we all hung out together. They did not, actually our daughter became their little niece. My daughter is 3 now and is still very close to this couple. I really think God used our daughter to help heal them, so I would try to be really open and honest with her. I think you should definelty meet with her, she may be lonely and looking for someone to share with. I am praying all goes well.
