Advice for Getting My Children and My Fiance to Get Along

Well I guess my answer to this is going to be a little bit of a different one. And I'll explain that too. I come from a blended home too. I have 4 adopted siblings and 1 biological brother. My dad always has favored ME the most. It has been clear for years that I am his favorite- I'm daddy's lil girl, by blood that is. Your fiance may think that he's doing his daughter a favor by treating her so 'well' but in the end she might, like me, grow to resent that. I grew up feeling like my other siblings hated me for my dad's affection. To this day (I'm 28) I'm still treated differently than all the other children and I hate it. I have made it clear too and my dad says "you're my blood daughter". And my fear growing up that the other kids knew it... is true. They ALL tell me how much they resented me growing up. I could do nothing wrong and they hated that. Some of them still hold a grudge against me to this day and that kills me. I did not ask for the extra 'affection'.

I put that in quotations because a true DAD does not favor one over the other simply due to blood. This situation is NOT going to get better unless YOU fix it. You are your childrens greatest advocate and you are the one that has to step in on their behalf. If this man is choosing YOU, then he is choosing your children as well... after all. they are a part of you, they came from you.

I wish my mother would have stepped in with it all. I wish she would have had this answer - Get mean about it. Do NOT allow it to go on. If he buys trinkets or things for your lil girl, do not allow him to give them to her until something has been bought for the other 2. Make it mandatory that he sets aside time for your other 2 with OUT baby girl around. This may sound like it's not do-able- But it is. My husband babies our boy and favors him. So in turn, everyday when he comes home he has to immediately spend time with our daughter. I just had to lay it on the line and be mean about it. I don't mean, be a b*tch. But lay it on the line of how it has to be.

I dunno. I wouldn't tolerate it and I certainly would not marry this man until it is resolved. Seems harsh, I know. But sometimes being in love with each other is not enough, being in love with the family is what matters here.

My personal opinion (and I am in a similiar situation) is that if the person that claims to love you so much cannot find it in their heart to love your children (biological to them or not), you have to move on. Do you really want your kids growing up in an environment where they feel like they aren't part of the family, like they aren't as good as a sibling, like they are "bad"? They will have a lot of resentful feelings towards you someday. If your fiance can say things like what you mentioned, how can you be with him? Your kids deserve someone who will love and cherish them & there are men out there. That's what's most important. You should let your fiance know now that you need that from him - I guarantee that You will someday feel resentment towards him if he can't learn to love your kids and that will put a huge strain on your relationship. Please think long and hard about it for them. Do what's best for them. It's a tough situation - I know first hand. I also know how difficult it is to be the "step parent" & learn to love, but I did it for him & for his kids. It was hard, but they are just kids & they need love, support, understanding, belonging, etc. I didn't get that in return for him for my child.

S.,

I can respond to you with unique experience on my side. You should not marry him until this problem is resolved. As a child raised in a family with an absentee father and then later a step, it is most difficult for the children. My step-father was the very stingy with love and kindness as well, and believed that since we were not his children, it was not his job to provide affection to us. But, your children will come to resent you if you marry this man, and feel that you betrayed them. The reason is, that if you don't resolve it, they will feel that you and your new spouse do not care to acknowledge their needs and feelings. You must put them first. I agree with one of the ladies in their post, who asked, doesn't he have enough love to go around? There is something in this man's past or in his stubborn mindset that is preventing him from providing attention to your previous children and you need to help him find out what it is and how to fix it. In the meantime...don't discourage him from giving attention to your new baby. He is right to feel the way he does about it being his only child. You should acknowledge his feelings about that. After all, this will be his first...and last child. But, just don't let him off the hook when it comes to your kids. Make sure you encourage him with all three children and get some family counseling to help your children and fiance to confess their feelings more fully. Nobody can be helped until you find out what the real issue is. Why doesn't he have enough heart to go around? Why is he so stingy with his love. Love is meant to be given! I sure hope this helps some...just speaking from experience. It's a very serious issue. I am now 26 and have a strained relationship with my mother still to this day, because of her (as I felt) choosing him over us. I felt my feelings were not important and my relationship with my mother suffered because she could not (for whatever reason) do enough to defend me. Our relationship is ok, but we're not close like we were before she remarried. I guess that I also, as a child without a father, had unrealistic expectations about her husband being a new father to me. Perhaps, there is a happy balance. He may not be a father to your children, but at the least, I hope he will try to be their friend and mentor. Good luck and God bless!

your last line says it all- you cant agree to marry until this is resolved. As a step-parent myself, it is a very difficult road at best much of the time. You need a partner that will be compassionate and caring to your children, allowing you to be the main parent---not just filling in space as a poor substitute for the father they don’t have.

your primary responsibility is to your children. Putting them in a situation where the favoritism is as you describe is most likely will create many issues with both you and your children in the future. Feeling from your children like Resentment, poor self esteem, abandonment, etc can cause a heavy strain in the new family you will be trying to create.

additionally, the comments from your fiance, "she is the only blood child I will every have so I will treat her different!" is not respectful to you.

it is never OK to favor one child over another. Favoritism can cause your children to be extremely resentful of you, their youngest sibling, and definitely your new husband.

Please think of getting counseling for all of your family members before you marry. You sould like a good mom trying to do your best. you and your children deserve better.

When he became involved with you he knew you were a family of three. He must understand that you are a package deal and his behaviour is a deal breaker. What he is doing will cause resentment, not only towards him but the baby as well. I don't know if you have read the bible but, check out the story of Joseph in the old testement.

My husband and I discussed this issue at length before we became serious. I had a three year old son at the time we married and he has raised him as his own, even though my son didn't want to be legally adopted by him as a child. Now, my son regrets that he didn't allow my husband to adopt him because he has been the best father he could have ever asked for or wanted. My son is now 29.

You should sit down with him first and get an understanding. He is not a step parent. He is a parent. We have to get over these labels for the sake of our childrens' sanity. They just want to be loved. So, unless it's the child's birthday, if you get a trinket for one you should get a trinket for all. It's only fair.

Good Luck!

Regards,

Been there and done that. Loving it after 25 years!

Well, I would not be getting married until this is totally resolved that is for sure.If you marry him an this is not resolved then your other two children will think that you think it is ok for him to treat them that way an why would you let someone treat your kids like that.It just isn't fair.Is his heart not big enough to love your children too? Is it really that hard for him to do? Does he have a father? One that used to(or does)interact with him? I do not see the big deal on why this man can not love your kids an you it is a package deal he knew this.

As a step parent myself and being totally honest there is a different "feeling". It just is... he has to find a way to accept that it's different yet open up to your other children. I adore my stepdaughter I very much consider her one of my kids but it does feel different. He has to make the choice to love them and be open. Only he can do that. I HIGHLY suggest family counseling. Find someone who specializes in blended families and hopefully they can help guide him through whatever struggles he's having.

Definately he needs to treat your other children better. I have an 8 month old with my husband and my 10 yr old step daughter lives with us. As a step parent it can be difficult because you inately don't have the same connection as with your own child. My step daughter was 7 when she came to live with us. However, your fiance needs to realize that it is not fair to the children for him to be so partial to the baby. You will continue to have problems until he realizes that. He has to want to change on his own though, and that unfortunately may not happen. Good luck!

All I can tell you is that it will NOT get better. If you are having problems now, it will probably never really change. If he decides to pacify your request and you get married, I can almost guarantee that sometime in the future, this same problem will resurface. Been there, done that-twice. My husband now seemed really good with the kids, but I have noticed that since we got married, his "dislike" of my teenage daughter is now really showing. It's hard because I love him, but I also love my kids unconditionally. My ex did this same thing to my oldest son and I ended my marriage because I am ultimately responsible for the situations I put these kids in and unfortunately, there is no one that will love your kids like you do-no matter how much they say they do. I believe they want to, but in my case, I raised my kids somewhat differently than I was raised and he disagrees with some of my freedoms that I give. Anyway, I hope it all works out but in all honesty please think before you marry him. Your love will only take you so far and believe me, the tension between the two of you over those kids is going to be very difficult. We make these choices and our kids are the ones that suffer from them. I would have never stayed married to my ex-I am much happier without him, but I would not have remarried either. Oh, by the way, I had my tubes tied after my 3 yr old was born-I have a 9 mo old baby! So, nothing is for sure either way!!!:)

Sounds like you need to go see a family counselor if it is feasible. It is better coming from someone else than from you who is involved. I have a 16 yr old daughter from my first marriage and my current husband and I have 5 1/2 yr old triplets. He does not dote on the triplets but there is always issues between Christina and him and he has been around since she was 6 months old.

Your fiance is a control freak. He has some issues here that you'd better address before fiance becomes husband. If he can't treat your kids as they were his own, I would not subject the kids to it anymore. THEY are your primary priority, not fiance.
He needs to come clean about this stuff.

From what you wrote he doesn't seem very conerned about the problem (or the other childrens feels for that matter). I am glad to see you are holding off on marriage until it is resolved. If he is willing to work on building relationships with the older two how about signing them up for a class together - or make a weekly "date" for them to do somehting special every week (movies, dinner, gameworks). Or send the 3 on a special weekend to somewhere they might enjoy (waterpark hotel or something). Maybe a little bonding without the baby in the picture might help.

Good luck :)

Just remember one thing YOUR children were there bofore that man and they will be there AFTER that man. If he is treating you and your children this way and you are not even married do you honestly think it's going to get better after you are married? Your loyalty should be to your children first and ask yourself does this second father have the same characteristics of the first childrens father. I am not trying to hurt your feelings or anything but my mother had children when she married my father and he treated all of us the same. In closing I will also say that their father was also nowhere around, my mom broke the cycle so can you.

I can assure you that this is not o.k. nor acceptable for your other children. I have read the other responses and know first hand that it is different - step children vs. biological but he needs to go out of his way to make them feel it's not, they are children AND they just want to be accepted and loved and if he cannot provide this for them as well as his own then he has to go! Childhood is what shapes a person into who they are as adults and I am sure you would want your children to have the best they can. If he makes justifications like he has about blood it sounds as if he isn't nor will ever be man enough to accept and love the others the same I am sorry that you have already had a child with this man and didn't realize this until that had happened.

*Everyone* likes the new baby better than they like anyone else, right? Babies are easier to like than personality-ridden individuals with their own opinions about life.

That said, your finance is being extremely immature. Mature people are inclusive and generous and go to lengths to make sure they are not creating social or emotional havoc in their homes. No, really, they exist and some of them are men.

The fact that he is only going to have this one blood-child is as stupid and irrelevant as the fact that you are only going to have these three children. So? What's that got to do with how fast the moon revolves around the earth? Who cares? You aren't going to have any more, she's your only infant, and all kinds of other stupid and irrelvent 'facts' that would never excuse you being a snot to your other two family members (or him)

Isn't it amazing just how old some people are when they really seem 4 inside.

Your fiance loves you and by loving you, he also should love all the children regardless of where they came from. If he is planning on marrying you, there needs to be some love shown to all, equality. Of course, no parent is perfect and parenting is mostly a learning experience, but he needs to try. It will not only hurt the children, but by your children not being happy, are you going to be happy? I realize it is a little different because they are step-children (I am a step-mom) but they are still children and if I remember right, I never looked at adults differently unless they treated me bad. You should talk to him about putting himself in your childrens' shoes. How does he think they feel when they see their sister getting stuff, and they are getting nothing? Try to make him see things in a different perspective. That's probably going to be your best bet.

I am so sorry that you are going through this how horrible. I do have to say that if they do not get along maybe a bit of counseling could help .I am sure ther is a deeper issue ,maybe someone is feeling like they are nolonger part of the family or something. I am truely guessing .i have a step mom but i was 23 when my father remarried and Even though my stepmom is only a few years older than i am. I love it Hopefully you can get this resolved:)