Advice on Family Visiting Sick Father

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You can't make them visit, but the next time they ask how he is, just say that he is lonely and would love for them to visit (if that is in fact the case - have you asked your father??). If they don't visit then, there's nothing you can do - they're all adults who will do what they want.

I'm assuming that you visit your father regularly.

It's good that your family asks you how he is doing. That means they care. It could be that they are uncertain about visiting. The bravest person may quail inside when it comes to visiting someone who is very sick. Many, many folks just don't know how to handle it. (If they tried it, they might find it's nothing to be scared about.)

Think about trying this: every time you talk to family members, be prepared to say, "I saw Dad last week, and he sends his love, and he's doing...." and add something that he's been doing, even if it's just smiling. This might lead to a conversation about your dad, and you could mention, "I'm going over there day after tomorrow for a few minutes. Wouldn't you like to come with me to say hello?" Then, if the person has been holding back from fear of the unknown, you'll be there by his/her side.

It might work and it might not. You might give it a try, or you might think of something better.

Why not move your father close to you? forget the rest of the family, if they won't visit, their loss, but you should just step up for yourself and your children. This will give the kids an opportunity to know their grandpa. also consider moving him to assited living, it may be better fo him, he can socialize more, meals are made, extra care can be provided.

I’m sorry about your dad. You are hurt and hurting for him. Before you get really upset think about this:
Did your mom’s side of the family have a close relationship with him?
Do they know he is well enough to have visitors?
Does your dad want visitors?
If the answers to these are yes, next time you talk to someone from your mom’ side and they ask how he is doing, tell them how much you both would love to see them. Plan to meet them there. Most people don’t know how to respond to illness and just try to avoid it. I wouldn’t pressure them I would just subtly let them know that their visits are welcomed. Let them know that they are missed. Good luck with dad and I hope he gets better.

Hi Laura May,

When they ask how he is, say brightly, "I know it would brighten his day if you visited him." Or something like that. "How about we go visit him now?"

Lots of people are afraid to be around others that are not well. It reminds them that it could be them. They don't understand how important it is to visit others until they find themselves in the same position.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!
: ) M. D.

Sometimes we arent comfortable visiting sick people. A lot of times ONE family member takes on the entire task of caring for an aged or sick family member. Visiting can be on the phone as well.... I would encourage everyone to pick a certain day out of the week to call. If you didnt visit with him when he was well you are most likely not going to visit when he's ill either.
I don't think you can force your mom's side of the family to go visit, if they were close to him they would have been doing it already.
Just make sure you are doing what you feel you need to do. Maybe you are feeling like the whole burden is on you and you want others to share it?
I'm sure your dad understands, he is older and wiser afterall.
It's nice that everyone asks you about him, but apparently they just arent into visiting him and they have their reasons.
I wouldnt argue with your family about it. Just do your part and maybe some of the others will follow suit. If he asks about them, you might mention that to them. Encourage some phone calls, that is less intrusive, and your dad just might enjoy a phone call more than having people hovering around him.
Send him pictures and cards and make sure you call him on a schedule, older people like to know that XX calls every Saturday evening, they begin to look forward to that. My grandpa is 93, I call him every SUnday.... if I skip one he calls me a few days later to see if I'm okay.

I have to agree with your husband. Your family might feel as though they
are interfering if they go visit. Have you ever just asked them if they
would mind stopping by to say hello at their convenience. They may be
waiting for you to ask. Good luck.

Updated

k

This sounds painful and frustrating -- I'm sorry you have to handle it all alone! In terms of what to do, though, it may be important to separate your father's needs from your own feelings. If you want them to visit him, telling them how angry you are (even though you have a right to be angry) probably won't bring about the result you want. Most people react defensively in these situations, and then you'll just have conflict on top of your heartsickness. If it really would be good for your dad to get a visit from these family members (his in-laws, if I'm not mistaken?), then try just setting that up. As in, "I think my dad would really like to see you. Saturdays are good. When are you free this month? Great, we'll expect you at 10." I know this doesn't address your anger and frustration, but it's a practical, results-oriented approach.;

I hope this helps,

Mira

Yes, if you confront them in anger, it will cause a big problem. Also, your mother's side of the family is not obligated to visit. However, if they ask how dad is, I would simply mention that he's lonely and complains about lack of visitors. Hopefully they will get the hint, but they are not required to visit.

I think you should say something. It is important for you father to be visited, as long as he wants to have visitors. And this is your family and you should express how upset you are about the situation.

I hope my opinion helps at all.

Consider getting him a computer with internet connection and exploring some websites with him - and find him an online commuity and teach him how to email his family and friends, and facebook. But you may have to walk it thru with him a few times to get him used to it. They say one of groups of people who have genuinely benifited from the computer internet is the lonely elderly. Worth the $. Getting your dad at a seniors group might be a good idea, but not if his health prohibits.
You could mention it to the extended family next time ("he would love a visit..."), but this will probably guarentee they won't ask about him anymore.
Also your/his church may have a home visiting group. Call them!

Yes, this is a very very bad idea. Your husband is right. do things for yourself things that make you feel right. go see your father as much as you can after all you will cherish the memories later

Leave it alone, your husband is right. When my uncle was sick and dying my sister never went to see him, it was me (and a few other family members) who was there for my aunt and uncle and then after he passed the rest of the family came around acting like they were God's gift to walk on the face of this earth, but you know what I know the truth and so does my aunt and uncle and that is all that matters. My mother was his sister, she was the only one other than my aunt and uncle who thanked me for being there for them (him), when my mom passed away I completely broke away from the family and I'm glad I did. So do what I did, leave things alone and then when the dust settles and you have the opportunity down the road then blow off steam, your family knows what they are doing, it will hit them when it is too late.

Darling daughter,
I have some wonderful advice for your peace of mind!
Of course you are upset, that is because you are human and love your sweet daddy so much. You are doing your duty as a daughter to be close to your father by visiting him and loving him. Everyone should be blessed with a wonderful daughter like you!
What's hard, and very important to learn in this life, is that you can only control what YOU think and say and do and NOT what others think and say and do. As a Daughter, you want everyone to be loving to your father.
In a perfect world, that would happen. Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world; you know this.
Knowing what you now know, you have two choices.
1.) Build up resentment, announce your hurt feelings, and possibly lose contact with your mother's family forever. I know your mother would NOT want this. And I know YOU don't want this, or you wouldn't be asking for help.
2.) Do NOT give people the power to HURT you. Only YOU can give this to them. Protect your feelings from others. Tell yourself, "people cannot disappoint me; I have no expectations of them." If you don't tell yourself this, you will be continually suffering, and that is never a good thing. People can be self-centered and thoughtless. Realize that everyone is largely imperfect, and continue visiting in loving honor of your mom. Perhaps you can even learn to love, (not resent,) them despite their limitations.
I always tell my children: "You're so busy doing what you're doing, you don't have time to care what other people are doing." OR "You're so busy thinking what you're thinking, you don't have time to care about what others think."
I know you are a sensitive, caring woman, and I hope my words (of my own life experiences) can help you. God bless you and your family.
L.

I hear ya ! My suggestion.....the next time they ask...suggest they go see him!!! Say how much he would love to see them !!! I know it stinks but for your sake to keep the peace .

When they ask how he is, say he is VERY lonely and needs company. Then suggest they go visit.

chose your words carefully when they ask how he is say he would love to see you how about sat ect I no its hard when parent is sick hang in there