Dear Mamas,
I've come here often and received the most amazing advice, even when I'm not looking, I learn from you all.
I have recently made a new friend. She is gracious and kind and deep - but more urgently, exhausted. What would be your recommendations in offering meaningful and effective help....???
She just sent me this email:
As you know being parents brings so much joy and challenge to one's life. Perhaps there is no greater thing we will do with our husbands, wives and partners- but it also true (in our home) that there is nothing more challenging that my husband and I have faced together either!
Our kids are just the same as yours, they are full of love, they are energetic and engaging, they each have unique temperaments and needs, they require us to help them with a myriad of things, and they still take more than they give. But we also have the unique challenge of parenting children who have joined our family through adoption, and one who has joined at an 'older' age. We are exhausted, despite being very well supported by family, friends and professionals! Unfortunately Ward and I have also had some health struggles of our own to navigate at the same time. What I want to get your ideas on is this.......
Never have we felt more like we needed in-home support than right now. Clearly our kids are all in school during the day - so I am just mulling over the idea of 2-3 times per week with some kind of evening support (or daytime weekend)...... babysitting, nanny, university student, etc. I really welcome your ideas, viewpoints, contacts, and especially just words of encouragement.
Any and all suggestions welcome...I'm thinking she needs an Au Pair. Her husband is an MD and works long hours. What does a mom of 3 school age children need help with the most often?
Maybe just a GF with a sympathetic ear to come over now and again after the kids go to bed for a nip of wine or tea?
I would suggest that she goes on date nights and also has mama's night outs/ins sometimes. Perhaps she doesn't have a chance to recharge even if her children are at school, because she is distracted by every day necessities and still feels "on".
I would also suggest that she looks into adoptive parent support groups. ###-###-####
Laundry would be very helpful, anytype of housekeeping especially those tubs or showers. picking up the children from school and making sure they understand their homework. or even gettin them ready for school would be helpful, especially if mom is not feeling well.
While my situation was a bit different I had PPD after my second son. My now xhusband was enlisted and we were 2200 miles from family and friends and he of course worked crazy hours. I am so thankful for my neighbor at the time. She would come sit with the boys so I could shower, do a load of wash or dishes, tidy up, bring over meals, and even pick things up from the store if she was going. This aloud me to make time for me, and to spend time with my husband and kids rather than cooking and cleaning and stressing out about everything.
In the situation you described, a mother's helper may be just the ticket. Someone who comes over for a few hours to play with the kids while mom cooks and then can clean up after dinner and do a load of wash.
Babysitting
Housecleaning
We just added an "older child" to our family through adoption as well, and it really can be quite exhausting. It is a big adjustment for the whole family, and sometimes I find that it is difficult to explain to family and friends just what we are going through. A support group for families who have adopted could really help so that she has a chance to talk about what they are going through. I love Families Supporting Adoption, which is sponsored by LDS Family Services in Mesa. It gives the families a chance to get out for activities together, as well as provides support groups for parents.
It does sound like your friend could use a babysitter one night a week, at least. A chance to go on a date with hubby, to get away from the kids and talk about what is going on in their lives, can be so welcome.
As well, she needs to be sure she is taking care of herself when the kids are in school. Going out to lunch with a friend and get some "adult" time in while they are busy really rejuvenates me and makes me feel like I CAN do this, no matter what the challenges may be.
Tell her to hang in there. My favorite quote: "If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, TAKE HEART. So it has been with the best people who ever lived."
Wow! I wish I could write as eloquently as your neighbor.
I think a 'mother's helper' would be great for her (I could use one myself :-) ). Maybe a high school or college student. Maybe a house cleaning service would help too, if they don't have one already. Where do they live? My step daughter is a freshman at ASU and does some regular 'nanny-ing' with a family or two. She also works in the child care center at LA Fitness.
Another idea is for her to get a meal or two for each week from a place like Super Suppers where they give you all the ingredients for the meal and you just go home and prepare it. All the meals I've gotten have all been very quick and easy to prepare.
Does she need an au pair or just a nighttime nanny or helper? I ask because au pairs are usually live-in and sometimes at the end of the day you just want the extra person to go home and leave you be. If she had help from, say 3-7 or whenever it was time to wind the kids down for bed, then she could get time to herself after that. And we (and friends) both had iffy dealings with au pairs. Not all are bad, but she doesn't need to worry about the au pair's immigration status, too.
If you want to help, maybe have a playdate once a week with whichever kid or kids get along with your children? Even if it's just an hour or two, that's a little space. Maybe help her out by offering to do a mid-week milk run or introduce her to Peapod or similar for grocery delivery. One less thing to do with all the kids. Or maybe bring the kids to play and sit and chat with her while you help her sort/fold laundry? I guess it depends on what she means by in-home support.
I also second her finding a support group. Older kids who are adopted sometimes need different support than younger kids. She isn't alone. Her agency should be able to suggest a resource.
