I am a mother of a 9 month old, seperated from my husband for about two months. He is a nice guy alot of the time, but has become increasingly scary when he is angry. He has yelled at me in front of our son three times since he was born, and has done things like hit walls above my head. I was foolish to stay in the marriage as long as I have..4 years, and though I am grateful for my son I am riddled with guilt over having him be a part of a bad marriage or a divorce. We tried couseling, but it didnt seem to get us anywhere. I am increasingly depressed at the hopelessness of my marriage, and I also feel like giving up on this marriage means giving up on my chance to have a family. I feel so alone.
I guess my question is, is it worth staying in a bad marriage and trying to survive emotionally to give my son a chace to be with both parents? Or do I decide to put myself first on the chance I could build a happier life away from him? And any advice on divorce/custody stuff?
Get out fast before he kills you or you son.
Happiness will come when you least expect it.
Love,
B. v. O.
Your hubby needs Anger Management classes. The problem is not you. It's him & he needs to control himself better. Make sure he understands completely how you feel so there are no surprises. If the classes don't help then you need to leave. I would also suggest if you do divorce that you request "Supervised" visits for your hubby. Your child should not be left alone with him. In the meantime make sure you take pictures of the wholes in the walls, etc.... so you can show them to the court if necessary and start making a diary of all his outburst with dates and times. Good luck sweetie. I lived for 4 yrs with a very angry man like your hubby and nothing helped him. I finally had to leave and it was the best decision I've ever made. It was scary at first though because his violent tendencies got worse. He come to my work, started stalking me and family and friends. Finally had to get a restraining order. So, sometimes things can get worse before they get better. But I am happy now :) Good luck to you!!!
I agree with Dr. Phil on this one. "A child would rather be FROM a bad marriage than live IN one". Staying together for the kids never works..............
Think of this way:
Your putting your son first by not staying in an unhealthy relationship which will eventually (if not already) affect him.
Do you really want him growing up thinking that that's what a healthy relationship looks like? Or that it's acceptable to punch walls when we're angry?
Having a shot at both parents (in the same home) isn't always best.
I can think of a few friends who are better of because of an absent parent...
Amna,
I just came from therapy with my ex (son's father) so, I'm sort of in this mode.
My son's father and I have known each for 20 years, and were a couple as 'adult's for almost five years before our I became preggers. At three months preggers, he told me he just wasn't 'in love' with me anymore and has started becoming interested in someone else. I was devastated, but I should have seen the signs that you are seeing now. Not that your husband is cheating on you, but when someone is not completely in the relationship often time there is so much anger that it manifests itself in very unhealthy behavior. Like throwing things, hitting walls and coming close to but avoiding physical violence.
For me, I tried to stay in the home once he dropped the bomb, but ultimately it was over and I had failed to do what you've already done. We didn't do therapy or even try to work things out, we just fought and he was always mad/angry with me and I never could get why.
My best advice is to follow your heart. Do what is best for your son and your sanity. Please don't force yourself to stay in a relationship just to give your son two parents, as our therapist says, 'there is no reason kids can't have two parents even when parents are divorced'.
We weren't married, but have gone through a giant custody fight over our almost 3 year old son. I thank God every day for getting an attorney. She has been the most amazing help in figuring out the Family Law world and how it works. I am knee deep in debt to her, but it is worth every penny. There are also Family Law advisors free of charge at almost every courthouse that can help you with the process and guide your through it. Also, there are legal aid offices that charge little to nothing. My biggest battle has been child support and visitation...my son's Dad when from little interest to suing me for custody and my attorney managed the whole thing for me and all I had to do was provide info and show up.
Bottomline, make sure you get representation and good advice and what is best for you and your son.
I wish you the best of luck...I finally left after my son was 3 months old and it was TOO much to handle. Be strong and be brave, but do whatever is right for YOU and your son.
Hi Anna,
I normally would say make it work for your son but when violence is involved I have to say you leaving is not only in your best interest but in the interest of your son too. It is very important for kids to have a mom & dad role model but do you have brothers or a dad that could be a part of your son'r life to give him a "good" role model of being a man. My advise if you do leave would be put your son first don't start dating and bringing a lot of different men in & out of his life. I hope that someday you will find a man who will love both you & your son but make rasing your son your top priority and everything else will fall into place. Also wanted to add I had an amazing step-father so it is possible to find a man who will love your son too. Best of luck. I would seek some counseling for yourself and be prepard for a rough time at the begginning. Do you work? Do you have a place you can live? Can you move in with your parents? You will need a strong support system to raise a child on your own. Best of luck
What would you want to see your son do in the same situation? Ask anyone who's parents stayed together for the kids even though their marriage sucked and they'll tell you that they wished their parents had split up. It's easier for kids to adjust to a divorce when they're very young because their needs are very basic. Good Luck!
In order to save a marriage, it takes TWO people.... not just one doing all the work and changing.
Your Husband has a problem... and many times, this kind of violent behavior can escalate....you NEED to have a game plan... what if he starts to hit YOU or your baby????
He also has proven that he CANNOT control his outbursts... and NOTHING is an excuse for that. It is dangerous.
And, you are getting depressed because of it... that is no way to live, nor for your son... a child is IMPACTED deeply by these things... and it can scar them for life.
Are you "scared" of your Husband? If you are, this is a HUGE red-flag... that YOU must do something...
If your husband gets worse... and starts to hurt you physically or your son... then, that is also called ABUSE... and you or others could call the cops on him.
Sorry... but sometimes things like this escalate to where someone is actually hurt. On the news, I hear of women all the time that are killed or hurt to the point they end up in a hospital, or the Husband will NOT let the woman leave... or if they feel threatened that she "will" or "may" leave.
If I were you, I would consider a game plan... do you have money for yourself, if you have to leave suddenly? Do you have anywhere you can stay- a friends' house or relatives?
You said that he is "INCREASINGLY" becoming "scary" when he is angry... it is escalating. And I assume, unpredictable. You must need to control yourself and your basic behavior just to please him and "avoid" his potential outbursts... just out of pure survival. This is typical of "abused" women.
You NEED to do something... but, be careful that your thoughts/feelings do not "trigger" an adverse reaction in him, to then get retaliatory against you or your baby....
YOu said you are now separated... has it changed anything in him? Are you happier being away from his anger/violence?
You have already tried counseling... but yes, it won't go anywhere or get better unless he "owns" his dysfunctional harmful behavior.
Next, do you want your baby boy... to grow up thinking this is the way men are? That is no role model for him.... but granted, being a single parent is not easy... but you need to decide what is best... in the long run.
You need professional advice from an Attorney or counselor... if you cannot afford it, there are "pro bono" lawyer organizations.... like Lawyers Care or others. Do a Google search on it for your State.
You Husband sounds scary indeed, and his behavior is threatening... hitting walls above your head is very physical and dangerous... what if one day he cannot control himself?
All the best,
Susan
Hi Amna,
What does your husband want to do? Obviously, you can't stay in a marriage where there is violence. Sounds to me that your husband needs anger management.
I understand that you have a lot of guilt, but it doesn't sound like this is your choice.
I thankfully have not had to go through this, so I don't have any real advise for you regarding divorce and custody.
All I know is, within time, you will find happiness again. And when you are happy, your baby boy will be happy too. Even if he has two households.
Stay strong, and stand your ground. You deserve the best!
Good luck!
