My kids are young now - 3 and 5. We've always told them they can talk to us about anything. Check in with them once in awhile to make sure no one at daycare is bothering them. But what can we do all along to make sure that when they are teens they feel comfortable enough talking to us? I hear about some teens not wanting to tell their parents anything and lying, etc. Others are close to their parents and tell them everything. We want our kids to feel safe telling us things. What can we do along the way in raising them to make them feel that? Any ideas from personal experience? Books you'd recommend? Thanks!
Add me to the lovers of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen.....
Have a 5th grader now who is having major issues, but at least she still talks to me!
I haven't read this book yet, but its on my list as it has great reviews.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
My daughter is 14 and we are very close. She tells me everything. We have a relationship that most others are envious of.
Gaining her confidence and trust started when she was a young child. It’s not just about talking. It’s about bonding. We cuddled a lot when she was young, we had a bedtime routine and we still do (and she’s 14!), I made time for her wherein we spent time alone or had Mommy/Daughter days. Having done all this as she was growing up has spilled over into her teen years. We still go to dinner just her and I, we still hold hands and hug. Instilling values now is important too. Integrity was a word used often in my home. I even had the word and meaning hanging on our refrigerator. Lead by example. Always answer questions honestly.
When she talks to me I don’t judge, I’m empathetic, never question, listen carefully without interruptions and I trust her implicitly. I’m always available. When she wants to talk or share, I give her my undivided attention and look her in the eyes.
When she was having a problem with a friend at school, I suggested she invite her friend over to talk. Instead of giving her advice on how to work it out, I gave her the means to work it out on her own. Her friend came over, they went upstairs to her room and closed the door. I never interrupted them. I trusted that they were working it out. Two hours later her friend left, my daughter came to me and told me everything they talked about. Again, I just listened and I told her how very proud I was of her.
She hugged me so tight, thanked me and told me she loved me. I must have done something right!
I’m raising her younger brother the same way. So far so good!
Our daughter is now a junior in college. She is an awesome young woman. She is studious. creative, inquisitive and has a great natural ability to read people. She gives everybody the benefit of the doubt, unless she herself witnesses the opposite. You DO NOT want to get on her bad side. The worst thing you can do to her is lie to her.
We have always been honest with her and made it safe for her to be honest with us.
My mom told me a long time ago. "I will always love you, no matter what.
That does not mean I may not be disappointed or hurt by your behaviors, but I will always love you. I will also be on your side and on your team. Again, I can be mad, angry disappointed, hurt, but even if no one else is on your side.. I will be there." This empowered me so much. I always feel confident but because I am a pleaser, I do not want to hurt or disappoint her. I feel the same way about our daughter and have told her this.
The other thing my husband and I have always tried to teach our daughter, everybody makes mistakes. We make mistakes, even when we are doing our best, but it is just part of life. When we make mistakes, we have told her. We modeled how to react and how to learn from them and how to go on and try again or ask for forgiveness. This has helped all of us to admit the truth to each other without worrying about judgement at least from our family.
From the earliest age that she could speak, we asked her opinion. We asked "what would she choose?" "What did she think was the right thing to do?" We would pay attention to others actions, reactions etc and then discuss the good and bad. We took these as ongoing lessons others had succeeded at or failed at.
We were honest about how we did in school, how we drank early, how we had different boyfriends and girlfriends. How we lived together before we married. Again discussed honestly so that she could see there were no secrets.
She called me this last week and told me about a situation at school. She realized this friend of hers wanted our daughter to lie to this girls mother. Our daughter refused. She told the friend that "she needed to speak with her mother and let her know the truth". She also told this girl she "knew she felt it was easier to lie to this mother since she was so controlling", but that this friend "needed to work on a new relationship with her mother so lying would no longer be necessary".
Love your children, show respect to each other as a family. Never underestimate your children. Make rules and reinforce that you know they can follow them. When they test, let them know you expect better behavior from them. Get to know them as individuals and ALWAYS follow your mommy heart and brain.. No regrets.
I have 3 adult daughters in their early 20's. All are very open to me still. I did discipline them and taught then the Golden Rule.
When they were little and tugged on my blouse to say something to me, I would stop what ever I was doing and kneeled down to make eye contact and listen to what they had to say. Get involved in their schools, sports and band, get to know their friends. This makes for a good listen when ur child starts talking about the adventures with them. At least you'll know who's who and who is doing what.
When ur child does something wrong in school or play, do not start yelling and tell them how bad they are, for sure they will never approach you when there is something more serious happens when they are teens. Be calm and correct them and tell them the consequences, like, if you start stealing no one will trust you.
Let them explore styles, I use to cringe when my girls wanted their hair purple or the gothic look, and the piercing. I let them be themselves, it makes them have confidence knowing you are their support. This teaches them to handle critics. Trust me they come to their senses, lol.
Also in Jr. High, try not to meddle when your child is having difficulty with other students, just let them know that you will talk to teachers or Principal when they want you to, most the time it settles itself. I think only once my Husband had to go to the school for a bullying that wouldn't stop.
And lastly ask for your childs input around the house, you value their opinions, like, what color table cloth should I get?, etc. and always admit you were wrong about an topic you're discussing with them. This shows you are not perfect and more approachable. Always tell your little ones 'thank-you'and 'please'. This shows you practice what you preach, so to speak.
Run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore and get yourself a copy of the wise, practical, and eminently readable How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It's possibly the single best parenting book available, and will give you exactly the guidance you're looking for.
While you're at the bookstore (or looking at reviews on Amazon.com), look over a new book called Nurture Shock, New Thinking About Children, by Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman.
I'm just reading and digesting this one now. Based on actual studies and the latest in brain science, it's an exploration of why so much of what we believe about raising kids is just plain wrong. There are chapters that deal directly with the teen years – as seen through both teens' and parents' eyes. A festival of discrepant events! The book draws some surprising, and sometimes comforting, conclusions.
You are asking a GREAT question. Good for you – and your children.
I have not read any books on the subject and can't really suggest a book.
We do have an only child, daughter, 16, and from day 1 we have always been open and honest with her and communicated a lot.
I am thankful that she does talk to me about anything. If she approaches me I stop hat I am doing to listen so she knows my 100% attention is on what she is saying. We have a nightly ritual to have the tv on something we both enjoy and that is just our time. It can be silly things like the What not to Wear show or American idol.. It really does not matter, as long as we are talking.
She knows we have her back and we will go out of our way to protect her. We are in the midst of some strong harrassment issues at school right now and she is witnessing her petite mom stand up to the school like a great Mama bear. She thanked me for that, and I just told her I love her and would do anything for her to help her along the way.
You are on a good track, keep it up!! Communication is key.
HIGHLY recommend "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..."! I believe they even have one for teenagers when you get there. Another book that is FANTASTIC and has completely transformed our home for the better is P.E.T. -Parent Effectiveness Training. It works very will with "How to Talk..." -and I'm about to start reading "Positive Discipline" which also seems to fit hand in hand with these other two. We took a P.E.T. class, which was incredibly helpful because it's hard to implement and wrap your head around some of it, but it basically (as the other two books will show you) revolves around actually treating and speaking to your children like anyone else you engage -and like you want to be treated and spoken to. It is NOT permissive parenting -in fact it's the opposite -but it opens the doors for constant and deep communication, problem solving -BY THE CHILD -and development of empathy and personal responsibility. People who have raised their kids using this approach report great adolescent years because the kids aren't afraid to talk to them, and they already have great problem-solving and responsibility skills.
My daughter is 17 now. Like you, I've always told her that she can talk to me about EVERYTHING!! And I have been fortunate enough, that she has taken me up on my offer. I had her at a very young age, so things that she tells me, I can pretty much relate to. Keep doing what your doing. Always be honest with your kids. That's most important. As long as you keep the lines of communication open, they will always feel comfortable knowing that they have you in their corner.
My daughter is 4, so I'm right there with you.
I'd second How to Talk. I read that a couple years ago and recommended it to my friend who was dealing with a teen. I'd think that establishing your relationship with that sort of communication would be very helpful. Learning about non violent communication (NVC) would also be helpful, I imagine.
Many people I know with older children have also recommended Hold Onto Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld.
I do have one book, The Five Love Languages, something like that.
It is actually a relationship book for couples but applies to every relationship you have, your kids, mom and dad, husband.
Mine are 22,15,13 and 10. They respond more when I listen and not give them motherly advice all the time. Sometimes I just sit on my daughter's bed and we talk about her day or week or what the kids are wearing at school, who is dating who. I take them out here and there for one on one time with me. My hubby takes them out too, even if it's just to Petsmart. They get our undivided attention when it is just one. We've done this since they were little.
We are pretty tough and they have established rules since babyhood. THey have had chores since they were three and we have routines that are just not messed with. We do not run a democracy in this house. What my husband or I say goes, this is ingrained in their brains since diapers. It's much easier to establish control when they are 2 and 3 then it is to assert yourself while when they hit middle school.
MIne have always been encouraged to come and talk to us, the Tell me the truth now and you won't get in as much trouble than if I find out later rule works for my kids. We will work through the misunderstanding or misdemeanors (which can happen). If I find out I was lied to then all hell breaks loose. I have kicked my son out of the house, and he has actually come back and thanked us for being his parents and not his friends.
I'm not perfect. But I have two teen girls who tell me everything. They actually get mad at each other if one is telling me something and the other interrupts. All m y kids climb in bed with us on Saturday mornigns sometimes, Sometimes they will sit with me at night when hubby is gone on business.
Every day tell them how much you love them. Greet them with happiness when you see them, even if you are mad at the world, or even if the principal called you to come get him ONE MORE TIME!! because he was fighting and will be suspended again. They still need to be loved unconditionally.
Listen to them. Mirror their feelings. Love the heck out of them, and don't criticize a lot. TRUST them.
I highly recommend Rabbi Shmuley's book "10 Conversations you need to have with your Children"-excellent read!
Aside from that, I think raising your kids with a clear sense of right and wrong, a respect for ALL human kind, and setting clear, CONSISTENT expectations and goals as a family and maintaining those through childhood, adolescence, and beyond will help. You have to strike a balance in the early years between parent and friend and your child should be able to recognize that you are both.
Having open communication with your children from a very early age is key to open communication later on.
My 6 year old asks me all the time, "mommy, can I tell you something?" This usually means she has something negative to say about something. I am always careful to respond, "of course, you can tell me anything." then I make sure to actually listen to what she is saying at that time and not react negatively. We usually end up talking about whatever it is and come through the conversation with her feeling better. I think that always keeping that communication open is key.
For example, if she had asked me that and I said yes, then she tells me that she doesn't much like her brother (she is struggling with these ideas lately), I don't tell her that is bad/wrong/naughty whatever. I just listen to her and then share my feelings about my brothers and how I sometimes felt that I didn't like them either, and try to help her through her feelings at the moment.
Now, I don't always do this, sometimes if she is wrong, she is just wrong. But if she comes asking if she can ask me something, I know its something that she is struggling with and needs comfort, listening, and acceptance. I want to give that to her now so that she will come to me with the really tough ones later.
Be the parent. Discipline... you are not your kids' friend.
If you ask a question, listen for the answer.
Listen to their stories.
Listen to their woes.
Listen to them... and hear them.
Be involved in their activities -- even as they get older. The older they get, the more they need you. It sounds counter-intuitive, but that's the way it is. Be there. If they have a concert, a ball game, a swim meet, a hang nail... be there.
LBC
Well, there are no guarantees, but what's worked for us is being very honest with our kids, ADMITTING when we, the parents, have made mistakes, and LISTENING to them when they talk and learning how to ask the right questions without sounding like nags. Just BEING THERE for them! Also, realizing when they get to a certain age, they will need some degree of privacy, as this is part of growing up. I know these days that most people are all about "quality time", but I have to say from experience that "quantity" is important, too. Spending lots of time together, enjoying each others' company, encourages trust and openness in the relationship. The more trust there is, the easier it is for kids to come to you with whatever's on their minds.
Talk too your kids not at them- they are little adults
dont MAKE them tell you everything they have to trust you.
Be the Parent I know my son doesnt tell me Everything about his life and I am sure there are things I dont know but I know a lot we hang out we talk I ask them every day what did you do today, what did you have for lunch, that seems to open up the whole day everyday.
He asks advice
I know his friends/girlfriends, where he is hanging out and with who.
He knows there are rules and boundries and as "cool" as I am if you push me I will win.
He knows I have his back always
And even at 14 when he talks to me on the phone even around all his friends and as "cool" as he is before he hangs up there is always- Love you mom.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk - Adele Faber; Paperback
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I have 5 kids and two of them are teens (15 and 17.) We try to stay fun and upbeat. We listen to them and accept them. We don't tolerate bad behavior or bad attitude and we talk to them and discipline them if they cross the line. We only had "trouble" when they were early teens. They are great kids and I'm so proud of them. There is no special thing. Just love and respect and fun. Some parents think they need to turn a blind eye to things that come up (and things will come up...LOL) so they can be "cool" with their kids. Or they may think they need to be so strict and so sheltered to "protect" their kids. None of these are healthy. There are articles called Jumping Ship by No Greater Joy Ministries (NGJ.org). I've heard a lot of people on this site HATE their books but I found them helpful. =) Also, Supernanny has great ideas and tips if you watch the show. You can watch them on Hulu.com. You're doing a great job!! =) Good luck!!
Boy I wish I knew. I have three kids, raised them all the same and they are VERY different. One talks/shares some, one a lot and my middle child--not at all!
I would pay the most attention to advice from moms who have teens. Moms with little ones simply have NO idea what's to come. I was a breastfeeding stay at home mom, always involved and happy with my kids (and they were happy with me) but once they hit middle school their priorities change. My best advice to you: LOVE EVERY MINUTE, these are the best years!
I'm so interested in reading the answers you get, because I am where you are--young kids that I want to talk to me when they grow up! I had one friend tell me something she does with her kids that I've used that seems to work for us. Many times, kids don't talk to their parents because they know they are going to get in trouble, yelled out, etc. So, she told her daughters that she always wanted them to know they could tell her anything, no matter what, and that being honest was more important, and they'd deal with each thing as it came up (including the punishment). So if they have something to tell her that they know she won't like (and will likely get them in trouble) to preface it with "mom, I have something to tell you, but you are not going to like it/be happy about it/etc." This would give the Mom a minute to collect herself before hearing bad news so as to not explode or overreact. It's worked well for both our families (keeps my short fuse from going off lol!) Good luck!
