My brother in-law, who I have known for 7 years is marrying a woman I cannot stand and wants his niece (my daughter), to be in the wedding as a flower girl. A little background.... My husband & his brother are on 'ok' terms. There is a lot of family drama due to deaths & inheritance in the immediate family. My hubby doesn't speak much to his brother, he is always the one calling his brother & inviting him over for our family functions. They have never really been close, by my hubby is 'triing' to maintain a relationship with him on some level, his brother makes little to no effort back. He met a woman about 2 years ago, and introduced us to her. I found her to be the rudest person I have ever met. She basically cut down myself, our daughter, and our family upon meeting me. I have only seen her one other time, not by choice. At which time she didn't say a word to me. I like to think I'm pretty open minded, BUT, I literally cannot stand her and see NO redeeming qualities in this person. I see her as being VERY immature, rude, sarcastic, and only out to take my brother in law for everything he has. He unfortunately can't see past ANY of it. Anyways, my husband also can't stand her & there's no talking to his brother about the mistake he's about to make. THEY want my daughter (4) to be their flower girl & I don't want her in the wedding. In fact, I didn't even want to go to the wedding, BUT, would show up due to respect for my husband. My husband IS in the wedding party. What would you do? My hubby thinks she should be in it, because they asked. I think not for a couple reasons. One reason, my daughter has special needs & would NOT do well in this setting. Two: Even if I walked with her down the aisle to participate, we really don't have a relationship with either of them & I personally don't want to be a part of their day. What would you do?
Thank you for all of your advice, I can always count on my Mama's to give me their honest opinion's! :-) Without getting into specific's, my daughter would not be able to do this on her own, either myself or my husband would need to assist her, and even then, it may be too overwhelming for her. That, I'm still undecided on. I DO agree with the posts saying to 'suck it up' and move forward, your right, I really DO need to move forward & forgive. Sometimes that easier said then done, but for the family, it really needs to be done. Thank you again for your opinions, much appreciated Ladies!
There is nothing wrong in saying" We feel incredibly honored that you have asked, but we don't think that DD is up to the task just yet..." Period.
It's ok to say no. Even if relatives are asking.
I suggest that not allowing your daughter to be a flower girl would be a rude gesture on your part, especially since your husband is in the wedding party and has been and is continuing to work at maintaining a relationship with his brother.
Being involved shows support of the brother. It doesn't matter that you don't approve. Being a part, or not a part of the wedding doesn't show approval or disapproval. It shows love or a lack of love for the brother. Families need to support each other no matter what is happening. You now have a chance to eliminate some of the drama.
My mother had a saying which I think, if followed, would eliminate a lot of drama in relationships. She said, "if Dale (my brother) can live with her, I can walk around her." My mother was polite and accepting of her dil even tho she would have rather my brother not marry her. My sil had many serious difficulties on a par with your complaints.
I would let her be the flower girl. She isn't privy to family drama and it will be a nice gesture regardless of any hard feelings you have. It would be nice for her and daddy to be in the wedding party together and a gesture of kindness from you as well. Since I don't know what her needs are, you can help her walk down the isle, throw the flowers, than take a seat with her if she needs. She doesn't have to stand with the bridal party or do anything else if she cannot handle it. Just be gracious about explaining your daughter's needs and thankful for the invitation. You may not like or approve of the woman, but being kind, especially on a momentous occasion can go a long way.
If your husbannd is participating and wants your daughter too as well, I would suck it up and let her. Its fun and a nice memory for her to have been a flower G..
I think you should let her do it since your husband will be in the wedding party as well.
Being "part of their day" is not the same as condoning or blessing their wedding. They're going to get married with or without your participation and their marriage will be what it will be regardless of your feelings or attendance.
Your husband is probably thinking that he might not get many chances to be in a wedding party with his daughter and it would be an experience for the two of them.
I don't know what your daughter's special needs are, but she might do fine with daddy in the wedding party as well.
Little kids often get nervous or shy at that last minute so it wouldn't be the end of the world if that happened.
If your husband wants her to do it, I think you should set your personal dislike for the woman aside and make the most of the day.
Just my opinion.
Your husband is brothers with your BIL for life.
It doesn't really matter if you like her or not.
You say "My hubby thinks she should be in it, because they asked."
So what can't you understand?
Do you really want to be "that" wife, "that" SIL...."that" mom?
Your daughter doesn't have to do a perfect job.
And you will get to use her as a reason to leave the reception early. make sure you have your own car with you & available.
I feel in this instance you should let your daughter be in the wedding, how special for her! Think of the pictures you will have for her to enjoy throughout the years, her excitement, and how cute she will look. Please don't deprive her of this opportunity because of her special needs, your BIL and future SIL more than likely know and yet have asked her.
It truly doesn't matter that your BIL may be making a mistake (he's a big boy) or that she is rude and sarcastic, it's not about you, this is their day. You're not giving a blessing to their union, and this would be special for your husband as well to have his daughter in the wedding party.
Simply put, try to suck it up. I had to do the same when my brother married someone I am not fond of, so I speak from experience. And I have to say I am proud that I was able to be the better person. Life is truly too short, enjoy this for your daughter and husband!
If your daughter is exremely shy and would cry or end up being carried (by you) down the aisle, no point in it.
If she is outgoing and can do it with no problems, let her. Hubby is already in the wedding party, so really as a family you all are committed (like it or not, eh?).
however if she is shy, that is a perfect "out" for her. "Jan, BIL thank you somuch for asking suzie. She is just so shy and we even spoke about it and she would be happier just enjoying your special day from a seat with the rest of the family. I knew you all would understand and respect her little feelings in all of this."
Good luck!
I would let her participate and being the bigger person, and it will cause less drama between you and your husband since he wants her in it. About her being special needs. I would clearly explain to my BIL and future SIL about her special needs and that she may or may not want to participate on that day. Be very clear about her abilities and what you expect from your daughter and what you expect from them. Maybe if they hear that there is a strong chance of her not taking part when the day actually comes, they may change their mind, otherwise, you have done all you could to warn them of a potential problem.
Yeah, well I kinda think you should let her too. But, I will agree that if you think she'll be uncomfortable then just decline, but your husband has to be on board with it too. We asked my nephew to be in our wedding but he was so shy his parents said no...okay, no big deal, and he doesn't have any special needs so that is not necessarily the issue. If you think your daughter would want to do it and you could help her, then just go for it...she will be thrilled.
Just do it. It can't hurt. If it doesn't go well because of your daughters special needs (she won't walk down the eisle or pose for pictures or whatever) well you won't feel too bad because it wasn't your idea in the first place.
Just a thought, perhaps this nice gesture could be something that brings your two families together a little bit? Keep an open heart.
Can you really judge someone after only two times of meeting them? Your a tough crowd :) Regardless of the bad first impressions the fiance has made, they obviously feel at least a little warm towards your family if they want brother and niece to be part of things.
I read your bio and saw that your daughter is 3, and you mention she has special needs so if I were in your place, I would thank them profusely for the honor, for thinking of you, etc. etc., but say you have to decline because your daughter is so young and doesn't do well in such a setting. If she loved to be the center of attention and would enjoy it, that's one thing, but why put her through the stress.
The only other thing I can think of that would be a compromise is if your husband was willing to carry her, and your daughter was willing to be carried by him. That could possibly turn what you feel like a duty into a lovely daddy/daughter moment.
Good luck!
Sounds like you are letting your dislike of this woman cloud your judgement on this one. I don't know the extent of your daughter's special needs, but if she is capable of doing it, then perhaps you should let her.
Oh my gosh I had to forgive people over and over, even when I clearly thought they were wrong. Believe me it is so much better for your own health. It's one day, one experience of a life time, and perhaps this woman really regrets what she first said but doesn't know how to say it. As for him taking brother for all he's worth who cares? You aren't married to him. I do not know your daughter's special needs situation, but there are wheel chairs that can be decorated and flowers to be held and she might really enjoy it, even if she can't communicate that to you. Good luck! By the way, I married the 'wrong person' seventeen years ago and am still married.
I dont understand why a woman that doesn't like you or your daughter would want her to be her flower girl. She probably only agreed to do it as a favor to the groom. You dont want to do it, bride probably doesn't want to do it. Your daughter has special needs and probably can't and doesn't want to do it. I think the Brothers Grimm are putting you two ladies in an akward situation.
There is already tension and messing up someones wedding or pictures is a lifelong rift. If you know good and well your daughter wont do well under these circumstances and wont enjoy herself just stand firm on that. You dont have to go into the rest o if, just respectfully say no, I'm sorry, I don't think she's up for it.
I'm kind of torn on this. I sort of feel that your husband being in the wedding should be "enough" of your family to participate. I also have a spec needs dtr so I understand what extra effort that may entail for you. On the other hand, what's the big deal? Its one day and just because you are in the wedding, doesn't mean you "agree" with it. It may be "easier" to just do it and be done with it. But I always preach to NEVER do anything you feel "obligated" to do, even if its family. So you see, I'm torn! In the big picture, it may be worth it to not have hurt feelings on the bride and grooms part and just do it to lesson further family drama. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. =)
We do not get to pick our family.
We just get the honor of dealing with who they are.
No one can really tell anyone the person they are about to marry is wrong for them, without them becoming defensive. Just let him live and learn, this is his life. The more supportive you are the less he will be able to accuse all of you of being part of the problem if it all goes down the drain.
And if it lasts.. imagine the hurt they will feel about the comments.
I do special events and have done tons of weddings.
Even if your daughter was not "Special needs" I always remind the Bride and Groom, we never know how a child will react once the actual time comes for the child to walk down the aisle. Even the most outgoing, child can freak out once they are being stared at by an entire crowd of people they do not know..
And so I suggest if they Really, really want to try it, that is fine, but not to be disappointed if it just does not happen. You can practice, you can have someone walk with her, Have someone carry her, you can have a wagon that is pulled with her in it, these are options for the actual day.
Hang in there.
Unless you can suck it up and be supportive of your husband and his brother's choice in marriage, you should stay home with your little girl. If your child would not do well in this setting and her "special needs" can substainiate this, then you will have the perfect excuse not to attend.
On the other hand you really seem to have an extremely negative attitude towards your husband's needs and towards his family. I would not want you at my wedding.
Blessings......
I first would ask your daughter to see if SHE wants to. If she does...I would let her stand up. Why don't you try to be the better person and start off fresh.
Regardless of how you feel about the bride, the groom is your BIL. Your BIL wants his niece to be in his wedding. How old is your daughter? and does she want to participate? I think the answer to both come into play much more than if you want her to participate. You mention she is special needs and would not do well in the setting...if this is true in what way would she not do well? If the answer is she would be upset or traumatized in some way, it's a no brainer. If the answer is that she might not do it perfectly, explain it to your BIL and be sure that he and his bride are ok with it.
