Am I a Bad Mom? - New York,NY

Frankly, it seems like you have come up with a pretty reasonable compromise. You would not be missing either big moment the way you have proposed it. I don't see why either child should be upset about this.

He probably has always been jealous of his little sister and this just triggers that. It makes all his feelings come out. He's not a bad person...but yes, he is thinking selfishly and letting his emotions rule his thoughts here. I think you are making the right decision. But I also feel for him. He is awfully jealous and feels that he is not as loved and he is not thinking clearly. Tell him it is not a competition but that you want to be there for both him and his sister. Keep telling him how incredibly proud you are of him...give a little speech with a toast at dinner about how proud you are of how hard he worked. He will understand better one day when he has kids.

this is so illogical. i'd miss a dance recital in a heartbeat to watch a kid walk the podium, but since they're on separate days, i honestly don't understand why he's kicking the wall over it.
is he planning to party wildly with you all weekend?
sounds to me as if you're doing too much explaining and excusing. a calm firm 'we can't wait to celebrate your graduation with you. you have made me prouder than i can ever express. we'd love to take you out to dinner. if you don't want to, we'll do something later on, whenever you prefer.'
no mea culpas.
don't try and convince him. if he's smart enough to complete grad school, it's not a matter of not understanding, he's just guilt-tripping you.
decline the invitation to do this particular dance.
i hope he gets over the snit soon.
ETA the jealousy issues between your kids is way beyond normal. crazy severe. you need to get through this weekend and do some serious damage control or your family will splinter forever. how on earth did it get this bad?
khairete
S.

I don't think your son is responding normally to you splitting time between the two events.

But I don't think this is about the two events.

For some reason your two older children are feeling slighted. It might not be about the youngest sibling as much as it is the circumstances in which you parented the separate sib groups. Please don't take this as blame.

Did you remarry? Is this a half sib? Is there a step father? Where is biological father? If you are paying $1800 for dance, did you contribute to his education?

I think your plan of spending Friday with him, and Saturday with the youngest seems fair.

I just think the older children are sending you a message about their feelings, whether wrong or right, that you (as the leader of the family) need to address fairly.

Ahhh, the dreaded self entitled millenial!! You have figured it out just fine with celebrating with your son on Friday and your daughter on Saturday. Your son is a controlling brat to think that the world revolves around him. He wants you to drive the four hours to go to the graduation but wants you to miss dinner now? He should be careful what he wishes for.

Tell your son that he is 24 and its time to stop acting like a child and start acting like an adult. You are going to celebrate his hard work on Friday by attending his graduation and going out to dinner. You are going to celebrate your daughter's hard work on Saturday by attending her recital. Her dance class depends on her to be there since someone took the time to do the choreography

In our family, graduating from college is a big deal - and I agree with your son on this one.
A grad school degree is a crowning pinnacle of a life time of educational work - and a lot more money than $1800 went into it.
Surely you KNEW his grad date and the recital were going to conflict sooner than now?

Our neighbors planed their kids graduation celebrations YEARS in advance - they planned MOVING to another STATE around their kids graduation - as in they wouldn't buy a home in another time zone until a month after graduation was completed.
Dad went to live in an apt for a new job in the new location for a YEAR while Mom stayed at the old home until graduate school was completed - and THEN Mom moved down with Dad and went house shopping together.
Dad flew home for a 4 day weekend to celebrate the graduations (two daughters were graduating at same time).
Your 14 yr old CAN dance in a recital every year - there will be another one next year.
Your 14 yr old has pretty much lived as an only child since the older siblings have become independent.
In 10 years time I wonder how SHE'LL feel if the family cuts HER graduation short over a recital from nieces or nephews may be having.

Maybe she can stay home and skip his graduation and have an overnight or two with a dance buddy and do her recital while you skip the recital this year (have a parent make you a copy of a video) for your sons graduation weekend.
One year missed out of a middle schools level performance won't make you a bad Mom.
The dancing diva needs to get over herself.

ETA: I did not mean for my response to come across as coming down on you. I know you are trying to do for all 3. Honestly, in all my years, I have not heard of siblings being this jealous between each other, or cousins either for that matter. The fact that they are all so jealous of each other just sends me more red flags about underlying issues. I have just never experienced knowing any family with that much envy. I hope you can get to the root of the issue, especially before your older children start having children. They all need a dose of reality and appreciation for what you are doing for them.
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I don't think we have the whole story. There are some major issues between your older 2 and your 14 yr old.

No one is being mature here. Your 24 yr old feels slighted again. True, he's not managing it in the best manner but I feel like he and the older sibling have been having these issues for about 14 years.

Do they all have the same dad?

It sounds like your older 2 feel slighted during their childhood for whatever reason and now they see this 14 yr old with more and doing more than they had an opportunity to do. How is the 14 yr olds attitude toward to older 2? Does she come across like a little princess in their eyes?

Why would you bring up the cost of dance to him? You know they didn't have that opportunity at 14. Did you pay for their college or did they sacrifice and do that themselves as well? I can see the resentment if they've worked their butts off to make something of themselves and you dote on the 14yr old.

I think everyone should be there to celebrate this huge accomplishment for your son. Priorities should be in place. The recital is Sat night, right? You should be able to have family with your son for this event, leave after breakfast and go to the recital. Don't think of it as doing what is convenient for you. Think of it as doing the right thing.

Your 14 yr old should understand that this is a huge accomplishment and be proud to support her brother. If she has attitude about it, leave her with someone who will get her to her most precious recital you spent $1800 on.

I pick up jealousy from the the older 2 and entitlement from the 14 yr old.

No, it does not make you a bad mom.

Your son is being controlling and trying to guilt you into getting his way. You won't be doing him any favors by caving into this emotional blackmail. Sorry, but the real world doesn't work that way.

Sure, graduating with an advanced degree is an accomplishment, BUT--- his accomplishment doesn't negate the importance of other people's (in this case, his sister's) accomplishments and events.

I have two graduate degrees, and even when I got my doctorate, the celebration after the ceremony was that day, and guess what? Next day, everybody's lives went back to normal.

Now, I've just read the additional information you added below among the other responses. You've made arrangements to stay on Saturday for brunch, and now that's STILL not good enough for him? And, he's going to punish his grandparents, too, by not showing up for dinner with the family? The dinner that's in HIS honor??

Sorry, this kid really needs to get a grip on reality. I'd hate to be his employer or co-worker. If everyone doesn't cater to his needs, and if people don't give him the attention he thinks he deserves, he's going to pout and make everyone miserable? Just unbelievable.

Stop trying to please him. There is no pleasing him. You've done everything a reasonable parent would do to make the best of a difficult situation with the two events on one weekend. There's just no making this young man happy. I hope he will eventually look inward to the source of his unhappiness: himself and his unrealistic expectations. In the meantime, continue to be the genuine, loving parent you are but take no BS about "playing favorites."

When people are doing the right thing---and you are---there is no need to apologize or feel guilty. The best you can hope is that he grows up sooner, rather than later, before he becomes a parent himself.

Good luck and try to enjoy the weekend, regardless of his response.

He's graduating from grad school and he's 24. He's also immature and self-centered, especially considering that there are NO extra events he wants you to attend; he just wants to make you and especially his younger sister understand that he is the star right now.

Please do not cave in to his childish demands. Go, attend the graduation and dinner, be lavish with the praise for his academics, and do NOT engage him in any discussion about his sister. Don't bring up her dance recital at all, even when you say goodbye to him on Friday night. If he brings it up at all, maybe "I can't believe you're not staying" or if he makes other digs at you during the Friday, be cool and collected and say nothing beyond, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then instantly change the subject: "I'm sorry you feel that way. Hey, I thought the ceremony was great -- the school did a good job with X. What did you think of the speaker's comment about Y?" and so on. Do not get emotional or try to beg him to understand about his sister etc. because, honestly, that would feed his desire to be the center of all attention. Just turn any comments from him back into "sorry you feel that way" and a change to the topic he likes best right now -- himself.

My daughter is also 14 and also dances. While I don't have an older kid who is clamoring for attention against her, I know how very hard she works. At this age and stage of dancing, your daughter's recital is probably not a small event and is the culmination of a lot of labor. Yes, he's marking a lifetime milestone and she's marking the end of a season's or year's work, and there is a difference, but there is simply no conflict between these events.

He is trying to punish her for daring to have an event anywhere near his big day. Don't let him. Don't let earlier dynamics with your older daughter make you feel guilty here! That was then, and has nothing to do with this one weekend. Your son is "guilting" you and being manipulative, which is very sad. At 24 he should have plans with his buddies his own age and not be pressuring his mother to be dismissive of, and unkind to, his sister.

ETA: If this sibling rivalry is about money -- little sister got $3278 more in her life than I did, you bought her a new car and I only got a used car, waah, waah, waah, well too bad. It is neither possible nor necessary for all children in a family to have everything exactly equal. If this is a money-issue, tell your son this quote: “Fair isn’t everybody getting the same thing. Fair is everybody getting what they need in order to be successful.” And then tell your son that he has a graduate degree that you helped pay for, so he now has the capacity to earn a lot of money and buy whatever fancy new car he desires. Sheesh.

Original: Mom, you need to get tough. Your son sounds more like a 14 year old than like a 24 year old who just graduated from grad school, for goodness sake. Did you pay for all of his school? Is he always this entitled and babyish? His heart should not be "broken" over this, and neither should yours. If he's so hot for brunch, go to brunch with him on the day of his graduation, not the morning of your daughter's recital. Or do something else if brunch isn't possible.

It's completely reasonable to go to his graduation one day and then go to her recital the next. I cannot imagine my adult children being offended that I wanted to go to their sibling's recital the day after their graduation. It wouldn't bother them in the least. It's nice that your son wants his mother there, but to want you for two whole days, at the expense of his sister's recital? It's time for him to release himself from mommy's apron strings. Maybe it's time for a girlfriend.

That being said, since two of your children say you favored the youngest child, maybe it's time to have a talk with each of them and ask them why they feel this way. My husband favored our youngest, and it was unfair to my other children and it has always bothered me. If there are apologies you need to make for favoring your youngest (like my husband should do), it's time to do it. And stop favoring one child over the others. But if it's because you are spending a few more bucks on her because you now have money, your oldest kids need to grow up and get over it. It's completely fair and appropriate to go to the recital.

I hope it doesn't sound offensive, but he sounds like a spoiled brat. At 24 years old, doesn't he have friends he wants to celebrate with? Or is he doing this purposefully to MAKE you choose between the two of them? It's absurd.
I have friends who graduated with their masters degree and would have thought his ideas ridiculous. He needs to get a life. Truly.

Maybe do brunch the day OF graduation. Not the day after. Go ahead and make Friday about him and let Saturday be about her. But make ALL of Friday about him. That's the best scenario. If he wants to pout, then show up anyway, and show your support and pride in his accomplishments... but leave after if he still refuses to have a celebratory dinner. He's being childish. Hopefully he'll come to his senses before then.

He is a 24 year old MAN acting like a spoiled child.

At 24, I was married and was *gasp* graduating from graduate school. I did not walk the stage they mailed me my diploma. I was already in another city starting work at my new job that I got with my Master's degree. My husband had moved with me and finished his last semester of grad school from our new city...he flew back a couple times and to present his thesis. Then he had his diploma mailed to him...we didn't walk the stage.

Yes, it is a big deal...my husband was the first in his family to graduate college at all much less a graduate degree...they sent him a card...maybe...

My family took us out for a very nice dinner a month or so later and I did have an aunt and uncle that sent us a bottle of champagne.

My sister was 13 at the time...if she had had a dance recital...great, go to it mom and dad.

So, you have choices....give in and go to all the "events" he wants you to and have your daughter miss her recital (boy won't he be the cat that ate the canary looking at his miserable little sister who he is jealous of while he is "lord of the manor" all weekend while she suffers)...two, go to all his events and leave sister home with another family from dance who can get her to the recital (he can still be happy he got his way and you are there without lording it over his sister)...three, split the difference and give him Friday and your daughter Saturday. I am sure there are several slight changes to these choices but basically they are what they are...

I think what you have planned sounds perfect splitting the time. I was wondering when I read yesterday what he wanted you to do on Saturday...go to an all day drinking party with him? But his knickers are in a twist over missing brunch?? *eye roll*

Good luck...and I am wondering what he would say if you asked him in 10 years when she is graduating from graduate school does he want you to miss "his" child's (your grandchild's) dance recital or soccer game or ____________ because you can't miss a brunch with his sister. Or would he want you at both events? DEMAND you skip graduation things with his little sister so you can be there, grandma, for HIS child your grandchild...this isn't going to stop.

I can even include that my sister being 11 years younger than me got WAY more things than I ever did with my parents being more financially stable...but I was never an a$$ about it and she didn't turn out any better having more stuff.

Maybe stop focusing on this one situation and try to work on the problem of extreme jealousy between your children. You built this dynamic and you're going to need to work on changing it.

Spend time individually with each of your children engaging with them in ways that are different from the others. Go on an "adults only" trip and give the older ones a little of what the baby has enjoyed just by being born later.

The fact you have a grown son throwing a fit because he feels slighted and a fourteen year old crying because she is not welcome on the R rated movie outings is ridiculous. I spend lots of time with my girls separating doing different things. I cannot imagine either one being so resentful towards her sister. You have a lot of work to do!

If you're being a bad mom, than I would be the same such bad mom. I see no reason why both his graduation and her dance recital cannot be equally celebrated. I would think they would be talking to each other daily, Yay! Thank GOD my recital is the day AFTER your graduation, so glad I can be at your recital, so glad I can be at your graduation....and such forth.

:)

Your son is very selfish and self centered. Go Friday to ceremony and dinner and then head home to celebrate your daughters accomplishments. He needs to grow up

Your son is acting like a big baby. I think your plan sounds good.

Wow! Your son is being ridiculous and acting like a spoiled child IMHO. I had a miscarriage and was unable to walk at my graduate school graduation. To tell you the truth, I really only cared that I had the degree.

Enjoy your 14 yo's recital!

Is this for real? A grown man is having a fit because you are taking care of a child? No, you're not a bad mom. You just have two older children that need to get a grip.

When I obtained my MBA at 29 (with three kids and working full-time), my family celebrated with dinner and it was good to go. I wouldn't have wanted more. Who gets a graduate degree to have a weekend long celebration?

Dance recitals are important, as are basketball games, baseball playoffs, etc. Everything all of your children do deserves your attention - and that is what you're doing. You're fine.

My father once had a talk with us as children. He said, "I will treat all of you equally, but that does not mean I will treat you the same. I will give each of you what you need, but not necessarily everything you want." That is what parenting is. Your son is not entitled to your whole weekend, there is no ledger saying you have to spend the exact same on each child. What he needs is you cheering him on not erecting a monument to his greatness.

Having said that, you may want to check your behavior with your youngest. Just because you can afford the world for her, doesn't mean that is what is best for her. You may be building resentments that will last long after your death.

Your son is being a baby. I don't know anyone who made a big deal over finishing grad school. When my sister finished her Master's degree, I don't know if she even went to her graduation ceremony and she certainly didn't invite family to come from out of town and expect a weekend of celebrating. She probably went out for a nice dinner with her husband or went away for a weekend to relax.

Anyway...your plan to go Friday, go out to dinner to celebrate and then be back for the recital is perfectly reasonable. Don't cave in to his tantrum.

He's an overgrown toddler. Go to his graduation and if he can't get his head out of his butt and remember the universe doesn't revolve around him, then spare YOURSELF the headache and don't take him out to dinner. It's grad school, so you've presumably seen HS and undergrad by now, so it's not like he hasn't worn the cap and gown a few times. So what I'd do? I'd be the mom and tell him that I'm sorry he feels that way but he doesn't get to dictate my time. It is his choice to bail on dinner or not, but he gets Friday and she gets Saturday. Do not take his behavior as personal. If he's 24 and he's gotten through grad school, he's well old enough to act like an adult. If he can't, then don't give in to his temper tantrum.

I have adult stepkids and to an extent there are things that my daughter will get/has gotten that her big sibs did not, because their parents did not or could not provide it. Neither I nor they had any control over it. My DD is growing up in a stable 2 parent household, and I'm not going to withhold things from her (like dance class) because back when things were different.

YOU need to realize that you cannot make both of them happy when one is being unreasonable and acting like he's 2. So just do what you can and move on. You don't need to spend all weekend with him because he throws a fit. Remember that he is NOT A CHILD and she still is.

This isn't about the dance recital. It's about years of him feeling slighted. Whether you did that or not, we can't say, but it's how he feels. His older sister feels the same way, so there is something you are giving off in your treatment of your daughter that they are interpreting as her being more important.

I think raising the issue of $1800 for dance school is petty - certainly grad school costs a lot more than that. And one would like to assume that your daughter is not in dance school just for the recital, but for the job, discipline, fitness and artistic expression she gets every week. Her recital will be, what? - 10 minutes at most, probably 5, unless she is in multiple numbers. But the rest of it is sitting around watching other kids.

What I might do is make this your son's weekend, and either have your 14 year old miss the recital (tough choice because it does screw up the rest of the dance troupe, which you should think about), or leave the 14 year old with a friend whose parents will get her to the recital in time and film it for you. Then you spend the grad school weekend with your adult child, saying it's about HIM and not about a teenager who wouldn't enjoy it that much. If he's made this his sister doesn't have to be there, then that's on him. Let your 14 year old see that you value education even more than you value dance, and let her see that it's okay for you to make a sacrifice for the child who didn't have nearly the benefits and opportunities that she has. Let her see that you are there for her in spirit just as you are there ALL THE TIME for her while her adult siblings are off in college, grad school and their independent lives, and that sometimes someone else gets to be first.

Go with the original plan. Spend the day with the son and dinner. In the morning have breakfast. Leave in time to see your daughter dance.

Time to stop speaking about how much each child has gotten or gets for the future. Your son needs a dose of real life and it is going to come quickly in the work world.

Set some time up in the future to speak separately with your older two to find out why they feel that little sis gets everything. Then analyze what they have said and change things if necessary with little sis and what she gets. She does need to earn her keep and learn that there are things that she will not get even if you can give them to her.

Good luck. You are going to need it to end the resentment that has been built up for 14 years. Each child gets what they need and that may not be an even dollar amount. How is your retirement fund? Time to stop helping the others out as much. Time to say no to little sis.

the other S.

I feel like your laying things out as one is on Friday and the other is on Saturday is rather disingenuous on your part. I mean if his graduation is in the evening, which it more than likely is and you watch and dash that is kind of ignorant on your part. Especially if her recital is in the evening on Saturday as most are.

Sorry but if that was the time frame I would, and the family, spend the night out of town and do his graduation right. Probably do a nice breakfast in the morning and head home. Being home by 1 would give you plenty of time to prepare for her recital. If this is the case it does sound like your older kids are an afterthought.

Per your what happened: Why can't you do breakfast? Seriously makes no sense. Why do you have to leave at night to spend the whole day doting over your daughter? I have had children that do serious sports, other than making sure they don't eat within a couple hours of the event or do any serious playing in the subdivision the day of an event there is little you actually do.

Why is breakfast the whole weekend? You seem to be pitting your kids against each other with the comment do you mind if we spend the whole weekend.

Okay seriously strange that you answered your own question and the fact is you don't have to break anyone's heart. I am wondering why you seem to need to set it up so one feels slighted. There is nothing slighting about coming home on Saturday after breakfast but you are telling your daughter that she is being slighted by doing that. Why are you doing that?

I find this hard to believe. And if it is, it's beyond sad.

If it were me, I would not engage in further discussion with him. Luckily you are willing and able to make it to both events so there isn't anything else to discuss. I would tell him that and it's HIS issue and he needs to move on...and get counseling. Good luck.

I think your son is being a brat. I graduated three times -B.A, M.S., Ph.D. I never walked through graduation.

It's time your son learns that life is full of compromise. It just is what it is. We aren't here by ourselves but with a community of individual that each have their own needs.

Congratulations on his accomplishment! you must be one proud mamma!

I am not sure I understand. Will you be missing some of your son's celebrations if you leave after the dinner? What does he want to do Saturday?
The way you've explained it here, you'll be attending his one day, hers the next. I don't get why she should have to miss hers if it doesn't coincide with his celebration.
If there are things planned for later in the day or you will be missing something important, I could see that he might be disappointed. In that case, I would reconsider. But you don't mention anything.

To me this just sounds petty.

I am the youngest of a large family and I had only my mom when I was your son's age. Perhaps that's the same (you don't mention a partner). I was used to my mom divvying up her time. This sounds more like a sibling rivalry issue he has that's longstanding, as you say. Not much you can do about that. Sometimes kids just need to grow up (even in their 20's).

Good luck and keep us posted :)

He is being ridiculous. Is there an adult other than you that can talk to him?

Your daughter should not suffer because your son is being a selfish brat! Attend his ceremony and leave....that way you have no regrets about watching him walk across the stage. I would not reward him with a dinner and certainly wouldn't stay longer! I cant believe a 24 year old man is behaving like such a baby!! Shame on him!

I am in your younger daughter's position. My sister married when I was in 6th grade. My brother turned 18 and left shortly after he graduated high school. My parents, brother and I moved to Spain (dad's job) and he was determined to be miserable (moved in his senior year of high school). I was determined to have a great adventure. My parents have from time to time questioned whether they did the "wrong" thing by having him move. He wasn't involved in any extracurricular activities, my parents thought maybe it would give him some direction. Who knows what the outcome would've been if they had left him in the states with friends. They made the best decision based on what they knew at the time. Their decision was never made with malice. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity for my dad and he took it. We followed his path.

I've been teased about having it so much easier/better. You can't compare our upbringing in some ways because my parents were more established in my teen years and things were immensely different living in a foreign country.

I love my parents and they required of me the same of my siblings. Respect, hard work, good manners, getting along and pulling my share.

I think you are doing the right thing by celebrating one Friday and the other Saturday. If your son makes this a rift between you, it is his doing. I would not be held hostage by my kids no matter how old.

By the way, I know I am somewhat different in the way I am raising my two at home now. I had my daughter when I was 36 and son at 40. With my daughter I was so afraid of making mistakes and making sure I was doing everything "right" I was a nervous wreck her first 6 months. With my son, 4 years later I realized what was important to me and had some mom confidence that only comes with experience.

Sorry for the novel-

Wow this is a tough spot! As far as the weekend- I think I would keep it a simple response to make sure he knows that if you were going to miss any of the events, you would certainly not attend the recital so that his once in a lifetime event comes first. And yes it is HUGE, but just like the other graduation events, ceremony and dinner are the agenda. But since you won't miss the dinner or the celebration, you will plan on still attending the recital. We all know the brunch thing is a reach...

For the bigger issue, I do hope they can all lose some of the jealousy or the rift will be big and their kids won't know each other. My husband and his sister are close in age, and their parents were poor during their childhood. There is a brother 8 years younger, and the were in better shape by the time he was in middle/high school so he got a lot more. My husband and his sister joke about this (WE never got new Nikes, we had Payless knock-offs) etc, but they get it, and really don't care. Now in my family, similar story. My parents paid for more of my college than the other kids because I lucked out with timing of finances. One sister is pretty bitter about this. They've done a lot for her which probably evens out money-wise, but she is bitter about it and still brings it up. My parents have always said that you can raise kids with total fairness- different kids have different needs and different happenings in the parents lives change things as well. You'll go crazy trying to level the playing field and making things so fair. Different kids, different circumstances. But this is obviously something you need to address, I hope it works out. I'm so sorry that this occasion is turning into such stress for you all.

Wow. Finishing grad school is just so much more important than a dance recital that I cannot believe you can compare the two. Is your daughter coming to his graduation? She certainly should be. Unless the dance recital is at 8 am on Saturday, I don't see why you can't leave Saturday after brunch with your son and make the dance recital without slighting your son's MAJOR accomplishment. If you can't perhaps a friend could take your daughter to her recital.

Sounds like he was hoping to have his family stay the weekend and when that fell through, 14 yrs of resentment came flowing out. Could you compromise and find another weekend for a long celebration? Or find someone to get your 14 yr to her recital. Or have her bring a friend and have them ride back early Saturday on a train?

Oh My Goodness. My point about the $1800 is that I feel as if I wasted the money if she doesn't attend recital. I have helped pay for his school as well as the oldest child. I still help all of them financially. That is not my point, I feel as if I am being attacked here. The youngest one is NOT a little princess either. I just want to be a good mom and make both of them happy. All siblings have jealousy towards the other. The oldest one is jealous of him because he is the only son and feels that I treat him better. He is jealous of the older daughter because I bought her a brand new car when she was in college and I only helped him purchase a used car. Not because I loved the older one more but because at the time he needed the car I was not financially stable to buy him a new car too. The little one gets jealous if I go out with the older one to see a rated r movie and she can't go. They are ALL jealous of each other. Just as I was jealous of my older sister and my youngest brother and my well to do cousins. This is getting out of hand. I feel torn with having to break one childs heart over another childs heart. Im just trying to make both of them happy but I guess no matter how much I try one of them is going to be hurt and Im still going to look as if I care more about one than the other. Thank you all for your opinions. I took them all in.

Updated

Update: I tried compromising with my son. I made arrangements with a friend to return home on Friday evening with my 14 so that she could attend her recital on time (1pm). I would stay an extra night at the hotel so that we as a family (15 total) could have brunch the next day then I will make it to recital hopefully in time to see her performance. She has 4 different dances that day. My friend will do hair/makeup and video it all for me. His response to me was "Forget it, I've made up my mind not to anything that day. You could leave right after the ceremony." I have apologized for making him feel that his day was not important I was just trying to make both of my kids happy. He said he was not going to make dinner reservations and that he was not going out to dinner with the family. My parents are driving 16 hrs to honor him and they were willing to drive another 4 hrs to see their grand daughters recital the next day. He refuses to do anything. I feel so bad because he's sad and I feel angry that he is being unreasonable. The original plan was that we were going to arrive in his town on Thursday evening. Spend the whole day on Friday with him and leave Friday after dinner. I am willing to be there until Saturday morning and that's not good enough ether. I will continue planning on having dinner with him and the family and if he decides not to show up (he said he was NOT going to show up) I will honor him and leave that evening with a broken heart. I hope he changes him mind and allow our family to honor him without any drama. I'm too embarrassed to even tell my parents about all this because I wouldn't want them to feel as if they choosing one grand child over the other. I just figured we'd honor him on Friday and watch her dance on Saturday. Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate it.

Go up earlier in the week and spend some time with him one on one, if he has time. If he's having a big party afterwards, on Saturday, then I see his point a bit. I wish he'd just come with you and see her recital and see what she has accomplished. At age 14 her recital is pretty important. She's at that age where she can get discouraged and decide to drop it. That's a mistake of course so she needs to be supported.

I think he's being a bit of a baby, yes I do, but he's also right IF IF IF there are other plans that include you such as a reception or big party. If not then what does he expect you to do all weekend, sit and look at him and let him bask in your adoration of his accomplishments?

Invite him to come to her recital with you and have an open house on Sunday for your/his friends and family to come and say congratulations to him. Then take him back Sunday night or Monday morning. Hopefully he's got a job or is hooked up to get one so he can move forward in his career. So he can take a few days off even, go home later on in the week.

If the breakfast is so very important to him then stay, come home as soon as it is done and get the girl ready to go for her big day. Check the weather and make sure driving is advisable. Flying from one place to the other or train, something other than driving might make the trip more doable.

by the time you graduate from grad school you are a quite a bit older and honestly you should be able to understand the world doesn't revolve around you... personally i would tell him that you are attending both things and you are acknowledging him appropriately since he is an adult
give him a nice present for graduating and a nice card saying how proud you are

It feels like there are important details missing ..... What was being planned or is planned for Saturday?

It's a 4 hour drive so does that mean you'll be leaving Friday before the festivities are over ?

Is there not a big party on Saturday for the graduation ? Was he planning on having a weekend with you ?

There is much more to this story and I'm not sure I totally buy everything you are saying. Your older children feel slighted. There is a disconnect here somewhere. You need to really stand back and see how you are treating all of them.

Personally, I would do the graduation and have dad do the recital. I know a lot of people are calling your son immature and a brat. I won't. I think he is hurting and has lashed out. Seriously, you need to figure this out. You have kids who will resent each other if you don't figure this out. Also, please stop with all the drama of "I'm heart broken". Sorry to be so blunt but this is striking close to home.