Am I Asking Too Much? - Granby,CT

My husband and I both work full time as well. If it is feasible and he decides that on his days off he doesn't want to clean, why not hire a housekeeper to come in? I am very picky about the cleanliness of my house, and I don't want to clean on my days off either. I have a housecleaner come every other month, or sometimes once a month, which helps a lot. I still have to do the basics, and that means that my husband has to help. With two full time workers in the house, it is only fair that both of you take the responsibility of cleaning. With both of you pitching in, he may still have a little extra time to sit and relax!

Actually, I think you may be asking too much. Not in asking your husband to help - I am a big believer in equal partnerships, and if I ask my husband to help me clean, then I expect him to help me clean! But your husband is tired and he wants to spend his time off sitting around on weekends. He's a grown-up, he works hard during the week, and he's not complaining that you should be cleaning house while he is just sitting on his bum. He deserves his time off, and he deserves to decide how he's going to spend it. So do you, of course, but if you choose to spend it cleaning, well, you're making that choice.

But I'm exactly the same way. I don't feel like I can rest and relax when my house is messy. My husband doesn't really see dirt and mess until he's tripping over things and doesn't have any clean underwear left. The stuff has to get done, even if he doesn't see it, and it isn't just your job. You both work, and although you work fewer hours, you probably more than make up for it in childcare and housework during the week, so it's not fair to say he's working harder. I know as a SAHM, I work just as hard as my husband does during the week! So how do you divide the labor on weekends?

My husband and I have worked out a system that works pretty well for us. My husband gets 2 days off a week, and on the first of those two days, we discuss what we want to accomplish (such as getting the family-room up to snuff, grocery shopping, etc.) We analyze together what we think we can reasonably accomplish, how long we think it will take, and we make sure to still have 3-4 hours left over to do whatever we want each day (sit and watch TV, read a book, go out, etc.) Then we stick to it.

My entire To-Do List NEVER gets done. It means that the laundry doesn't always get put away, or sometimes we just don't get around to vacuuming the entire house, but we both feel good because I've done the things that I think are most important around the house and he still gets his down time. I think your husband needs to step up to the plate and you need to cut him some slack, and a little organization, communication, and understanding on both sides will go a long way. Good luck.

Dear L.,

You say your husband works 10 to 15 hours a week more then you do? NOT REALLY since it looks like you do all the housework. It was nice of him to get HIS child off to school so you could sleep in. I would stop the mindset that he LET you sleep in. You DESERVED to sleep in.

Some people like to just sit around on their days off. Instead of getting irritated with him, why not just make a list of what you want him to do that YOU could live with if it doesn’t happen every single week.

My husband and I both worked…he was and electrician and I was an administrator. We cleaned house and did grocery shopping together on Saturday. We put room names on pieces of paper (kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, etc.) folded them up and took turns drawing out the papers. You cleaned the room you got! It was sort of fun. It is right to share household responsibilities including trading off on who does the bills. Because if something happens to one of you (God forbid)…It would be wise if they other one could take over.

Blessings…..

All you need to do is: sit down with him and make a "list" or as I call it a "Daddy Do List" and have on it "his" responsibilities AND post-it up somewhere where you tell him it will be. Men, often don't think... nor think ahead, unless we tell them what needs to be done or they think "we' have it under control.
AND, have a main bulletin board where you put things down of what needs to be done. Daily or Monthly etc.
INCLUDING the helping needs with the kids. For example: HE can have the "duty" of giving the kids a bath. Thereby giving YOU a "break"....etc. and you perhaps putting them to bed.

This has helped me/Hubby. My Hubby doesn't mean to not help... he just figured that unless I actually say something, that I am fine.

So, you have to actually tell the guy... what you need done.

As for keeping the house clean... that's all good and fine. But don't stress over it every day. If sometimes you are too pooped out... then don't. Or just do minor cleaning. My Hubby says.. that I clean too much... which I do. But I just feel its my responsibility. So sometimes I just announce that "today I"m not cleaning, I'm too tired..." and its fine. Then "I" give MYSELF a break.

You need to tell your husband that you need help... and you both make a list of things each will do.

ALSO if your kids are old enough.. you have them "help" too... to learn to be responsible for themselves AND to LEARN TO BE A PART OF THE FAMILY... that "Mommy" is not the maid. BUT... everyone has to help, Hubby included.

AND, when YOU need time "off" for fun... or just for yourself, you NEED TO SAY SO. Again, a Man/Hubby will not think of it, unless you say so. Then, you schedule it in, and then go and get out of the house, or say that you are just having "quiet time" to yourself even if it means just sitting down in a quiet spot to read a book.

All the best,
Susan

Here's what you did wrong:

You said "I said that I wanted to get the family room and our bedroom up to snuff." He hears "You" are cleaning... not him.
What you failed to do was say "I would like to get the family room and our bedroom cleaned up... Do you mind helping me?"

You will find if you ASK your significant other, things can be accomplished. Too many it seems, think our hubby's can just read our minds or just 'expect' them to do what we want. That is not how it works in life.

Communication is very simple... yet it is very hard to come by daily.

However, let's not forget that relaxing is a way to de-stress from the full-time job. I honestly don't blame him. But I have a hubby that does help me out all the time.

I don't think so, but what I think doesn't matter. My husband doesn't understand why I get so upset and frustrated by his not helping. But that fact is, he doesn't SEE the things that need done. It's like he's blind. The only thing to do (for me) is to specifically say,"Could you do the laundry today? I'll put it away if you will just put it through the machines. Thanks." Then he can watch tv, play video games, whatever and still do something. Also, we pay a lot of bills online. Did you know that you can set it up so that you can just have the cable, electric, mortgage, and water just taken out of your account? I didn't. So much easier.
Good luck. This is a really really really common problem.

Men and women are difinately different kinds of thinkers, but such is married life. What I've seen work for us and those I've known is, the one who works out of the home the most gets less chores, BUT does have assigned chores! When there is a day off for both, they BOTH get up and clean! I wouldn't expect him to do all the down and dirty cleaning that you want done, like dusting and such. But I think it's fair to ask him to do the daily cleaning and you do the extras. Split it up. Make an agreement to clean for a certain amount of time, then go off and do something fun together, since you do both have the day off. On regular working days, what seems to work best for some is to come up with a cleaning chore list. Decide who does what on what days. You work a bit less so you'd have an extra chore or two than him. But, along with this agreement is the fact that he has to tend to the children equally as you do. Take turns doing the baths. He bathes 3 nights, you bathe 4. Take turns cooking dinner. He cooks 3 nights, you cook 4. Even if it's a frozen pizza he makes, at least you're not cooking and can have a turn at sitting down for a bit or doing the extra cleaning that you like to do.

To me, the basic cleaning is dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, mopping (once a week at most), clean the bathroom weekly and laundry. Dushing, cleaning windows and mirrors, etc, are extras. You both work a lot so don't burden yourselves so much so you can enjoy each other. So coming up with a cleaning schedule and assignments will make things clear and cause less arguments cuz once it's up on a wall (back of the pantry door for privacy) there's no discussion on who does what. If someone falls through with their chores, then the arguments will come. You can both negotiate as well. If he really doesn't feel like doing the dishes, then he can trade with you and vacuum the rug instead.

I don't work right now. Hubby does. So most everything is on me. His one main "chore" is doing the dishes every night and wiping down the kithen and stuff. He also bathes the triplets almost every night because he doesn't see them all day and this is time he can play with them and talk with them, then read them a book. As long as he picks up after himself (putting his dishes in the sink, dirty clothes in hamper, etc) I'm good with this arrangement. He'll cook dinner once or twice a week if I'm not in the mood, usually something quick. On the weekends, if we were busy and the house became a wreck, all 6 of us, including the 5 year old triplets, will pitch in as a team to get the house in basic order so we can go off and do something fun. Our motto is that we're a team. We made the mess together, we can clean it up together.

My husband will get lazy on his day off too. It's only natural. It's our job to push them along and keep them on track, lol!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
events and chat within 2 hour radius

I would suggest you tell him exactly what you would like him to do, say can you vacuum and pick up the living room while I do such and such and then maybe we can go for a walk, or grab lunch, or ask him what he wants to do. I think as women we have our agenda and what we want done and expect them to be on the same sheet of music, and they are usually not. I don't think it is a matter of right or wrong...just different. The goal is to find a middle ground. If he is asking what you guys should do today then I would asked what he wants to do and tell him what you want to do and see if both of you can get some of your needs met. Wishing you a peaceful compromise!

Nope. You're not asking too much.
You're probably like me. I function better when my house is clean (not just 'tidy') and when momma ain't happy, ain't NO O. happy! LOL
Men don't get "subtle" or suggestions. You need to say "Please go sort and start the laundry now."

I dont think you are asking too much but lets face it as my mom always said if you want it done and you want it done right you have to do it yourself. I feel the same way on weekends when my husband is off of work, i just would like a little help, but he feels like since he provide's for us and i dont work outside of the home, that he should be able to relax on his days off. And i have tried to argue," But when do i get a day off, Never????" I haven't won that yet.I would like to know myself, When did men get the idea that working to support their family gave them a pass from helping out with the home and the children? I dont know but maybe one day it will change. If you sit down and have a talk with him about what needs to be done so that you can relax too, maybe he will take on a few things.Good luck, just remember you are not alone in this.