Am I Being Paranoid? - Abbyville,KS

Oh, SJ, you have some really horrible examples of men in your life. What if you told your therapist this story? She would say, Don't do it. It doesn't matter if the God parents don't have any legal rights. You are once again being made to cower to your Dad like you are that dog on a chain. Break that chain!

Let's look at this from another point of view. Your daughter's. She has no clue what this baptism is about. What she sees is you kissing your father's..behind. Let's fast forward in her life. She is about 13. That's 10 years. Your father is alternately, spoiling her terribly, then calling her names and telling her she is "just like her mother". As she grows, he is telling her what an awful daughter you are. At 16, she has a fight with you over rules. He invites her to just live with him. At 18 he is telling her what she can study, because, after all, she is just a female. She gets pregnant and he throws her out of his house. Sound familiar?

I agree with the poster that you are not concentrating on your daughter. When it comes to self respect, you want to be the example. Most of the time you are concentrating on what others think of you or how they are jerking you around today. Do you see that here with other peoples questions? No. Most moms are totally devoted to making decisions that are best for thier kids. You will get better at this but for right now, look at her and do what's best for both of you.

Call your therapist and tell her it's an emergency. Tell her this story. You need her backbone.

Sweetie:
Take your daughter and leave. Go to a domestic violence shelter and seek help. You are an adult woman and have the right to do as you please with your life and your daughter.

Pack what you can and go. You do not even have to cancel the Baptism, just do not go. Anyone can baptise anyone, it does not have to be a preist or minister.

Once you get to a shelter you will receive help to find a job and a place to live. If you want to move to another city or state you can do that. You may need permission from the court to take your daughter out of state. If the courts won't let you go out of state, move as far away from your family as you can.

It sounds like your dad has manipulated the priest, and he is using this baptism to manipulate you. You don't have to stand for this.

Whatever your denomination (i.e., Catholic, Greek or Russian Orthodox, Episcopal), you can find another church of the same denomination. Please cancel this baptism and seek out another church, where the priest isn't in your father's pocket. You can have your daughter's baptism done there.

I suspect your therapist would support this course of action.

okay....sorry....but i have this "Amish Mafia" picture in my head. i mean i have lived in ks all my life and have never heard of abbyville...soooo i'm assuming it's one of those tiny western ks towns....anywho....

you said yourself you go to another church. if your family is so hesitant to baptize your child do it in your own church. forget about godparents. problem solved.

and um...move out on your own?

obviously you are a new mom. you haven't figured out yet that your child is more important than anything else- family ties, pleasing the priest, even worth the risk of your dad taking a hit on you.

yeah.....

ETA- oh WOW, i missed the fact that she's THREE. you aren't a new mom. so you have no excuse. that child should be first in your life. sounds like either your own selfish need to be around family, or your own selfish need for the drama, or your own fears of being on your own, are first instead. you don't sound crazy. you sound like you need to put your child first for once.

I honestly think I would find someone else at this church that would listen to me. That they would "hear" what you're saying and talk to the priest.

I will tell you that if you do this in front of everyone that your dad wins. He wins for the rest of your life with all those people and everyone they ever come in to contact with that ever meet you.

If you ever say anything about him to anyone all those people will be able to say "She stood in church and kissed his hand, then she apologized for lying about him and asked him to forgiver her. So she's back to her lying again, poor thing, she's mentally ill you know. She sees a psychiatrist and some kind of therapist".

So this is why there is absolutely no way this would ever happen in my lifetime.

IF you cannot figure out how to do this for your daughter yourself then perhaps she doesn't need it. I truly believe that children are innocent until they realize their place in this world and understand the Atonement to some degree. That's when they have the Baptism that Christ had.

I understand that you believe differently but I have to say if it really bothered you then nothing would have stopped you from doing this within a few weeks of her birth.

So don't worry about this. If you can't just go to the church and have the people that you want there and stuff then let it go. Just let her be Baptized at some point in the future.

You are being manipulated in a huge way and you'll be telling everyone they think is important that you are a liar and that you stood before God in church and proved dad is innocent of everything you've ever said about him. Unless he is innocent and it's all in your head then don't do this.

Please just continue to work with your therapist. Your family has really done a number on you. Shame on that priest for inserting himself into the dysfunction.

You go ahead and have your baby baptized when you want, where you want, with whom you want there. You pick godparents. No, they have no legal rights - for that, you need to get a will and name your legal guardians. If your daugther's biologicial father is alive, he is actually the default legal guardian if something happens to you. Even if he has no parental rights or isn't identified legally now, they would attempt to find him if something happened to you. When I was single and had sole custody of my oldest son, I made a video deposition in addition to clear instructions in my will as to who I wanted to be the guardians and why his birth father (who wasn't on the birth certificate and has no legal rights) wouldn't be a fit guardian. I also included a clause that a certain portion of my insurance trust could be use for legal fees to fight him in court if needed.

If you do have reason to fear your father, I would stay away from him and stop talking about his personal life to others. It doesn't sound like he's being discreet anyway, but there's no need to continue to poke the bear and risk your own security. You know you're right and he's wrong. Let that be enough.

I hope that now that your therapist can see what's going on that you can minimize contact with your toxic family members and move forward. It won't be easy, but these are very much steps you have to take for your own health and sanity and those of your daugther.

It is starting to get hard to feel sorry for you. First of all I am stunned that you would wait THREE YEARS!! to baptize your child because of your family. As a Catholic you do realize how important it is for your eternal salvation to be baptized yet you deny this to your child b/c of your dad?? Your therapist is right in that you do need to cut ties. But almost it seems as if you somehow need this negativity and drama to fuel you. I do understand how heartbreaking your situation must be and that it is not easy to deal with the rejection of a parent but sooner or later you are going to have to accept your reality-if not for your sake then for your daughter's. The very best thing you could do is to move away. There is no excuse good enough not to when your mental health is on the line like this. You can make your own money.

If you are afraid of your father and concerned that he would have you killed, then you need to go to a shelter.

I thought you wanted to rid yourself of your father's money and forge your own path?

It is alarming that the priest does not believe you. Guess he is "bought" by your father's money? I don't know.

What religion are you that you have to kiss the hand of your father after baptism? In the Orthodox Church, the Priest or Deacon is the one whom you kiss the hand...oh well. Different religions do different things. And to do a baptism on Saturday? Interesting...

I wouldn't say that you sound crazy. But you do sound paranoid and scared. I would take my daughter and go to a shelter. I would cut all ties with my family - money or no - and forge my own path.

GOOD LUCK!!

Yes, get her baptized yourself. Why involve your toxic family at all? I agree with your therapist, cut ties and get out on your own.

Good luck.

Nope you aren't being paranoid at all about this baptism. It's just another chance your family is using to bully you into doing something their way. You don't sound crazy you sound like you are the only sane one surrounded by crazy. You need to get as far away from these people as possible and build a good life for yourself and your child.

G., its time to start taking control of what you can control...yourself. You have got to get a grip and quit letting whomever you are talking to in the moment spin your head around.

Don't baptize your daughter this way. You know that already. You already know A LOT of things, now is the time quit giving a rip what anyone else thinks. Start making a life for your daughter, one where she can be proud of who she is and who her mother is. Be the strong example you never had.

Okay. Cutting ties means having NO communication with your family AT ALL. It means treating them as if you had never met them and don't know them. They don't get access to you or your daughter. You block them from communicating you by changing phone numbers, you return their mail, you block them on social media, and you basically ban them from your and your child's life.

You don't need your parents permission to ban them from your life or your daughter's life unless they have custody of her. As long as they don't have custody and you do, you're home free.

If you go to your own church then why didn't YOU schedule your daughter's baptism in your church? I see that you're only now asking yourself that. That's good. And I think it's best that you get her baptized in your own denomination. I'm a bit (okay, a lot) surprised that you even considered allowing your parents to have her baptized in their denomination when you clearly chose a different one. I'm not just saying that because I'm Catholic... I would say that no matter which denomination you were. You daughter should be baptized in whatever denomination YOU are as long as it's your choice and she's a child.

Godparents have no legal rights unless you also appoint them legally as guardians of your children after you die. They then wouldn't have legal rights until you die unless you sign over legal rights to them in court.

Listen. Since your parents sound like they have a lot of control over you and know how to manipulate you... and they've clearly been using your daughter against you to control you and you, being a good mother want your daughter to have good grandparents... are probably going to try to threaten you with taking your daughter away from you if you don't fall in line when you break off contact with them. As long as they don't have custody, they can't take her from you. But get a lawyer on retainer to make sure that they don't try to claim grandparent rights in your state.

Hi SJ
It sounds like you've had quite a time and are trying to work through some stuff right now.

I am Orthodox too, so I can understand some of the family pressures that come along with a lot of people of our faith, but I must say that yours sound extreme. Also, from all my experiences it's actually more common to baptize our kids younger rather than older so that we can begin taking communion as soon as possible. I also can't imagine our priest saying anything of that nature to me in your situation, so that is curious.

I do think that since your daughter is now 3 if baptism is something you'd like to do, you really do need to consider other options than involving your family. Also I am concerned that you have been wanting to get her baptized for so long (your words) but that you don't feel like the picking of Godparents is an important decision? Hmm.

Listen I'm not trying to make you feel bad/worse here, but it sounds like you still have a lot of things to work through. It sounds like you and your therapist have major concerns about what is going on here so I would suggest finding a way to move out of the house and get settled somewhere else.

Church communities can be a very supportive place so maybe you should seek another church. I am not familiar with your town either and if it's a small town I would imagine the Orthodox options would be extremely limited b/c even here in the KC metro area there aren't as many as some bigger cities.

I would not go through with the baptism under these conditions and I would organize a plan for change immediately. Good luck.

Must be a Catholic priest. I can't imagine a pastor being like that.

If I were you, I would run, not walk, but RUN as far away from ALL these people as possible. Your dad is nuts; I get the impression he has lots of money. People will placate him because he has money and they will throw you under the bus in the process.

This is NOT a healthy situation to be raising your daughter in. Get out ASAP and when you do, DON'T look back. These folks are toxic - including the idiot priest!

And no, godparents DO NOT have any legal right to your child should something happen to you. BUT if you don't have a Will with your wishes spelled out, if something happens to you, your daughter will be raised by your family. I don't think you want that. You need to find good godparents and until you do, hold off on the baptism.

Do you know that "cut ties" means not taking money or a place to live from your dad and not to be involved in planning intimate events such as your child's baptism with him? You claim to be trying to break your dependence on your dad but the day after he says crazy stuff about you to your therapist and calls you a dog, you go to his house to plan the baptism and put up with stuff so that your dad can provide for your daughter. You have asked for advice about your dad before. May people have told you to stand on your own so you can make your own choices that afffect you and your daughter, yet you continue to do what you have always done which is to be supported by your dad because, as you have told us several times, he has a lot of money. He emotionally manipulates you and uses money to control you and you continue to allow it. Do you think any of this is healthy for your daughter? Obviously your dad IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. So YOU need to change. It's huge, it's scary. You might need to take a break from school to support yourself and your daughter, but if you want to be a big girl and make your own choices, that is what you need to do. Many women do whatever they need to do to support themselves and their children if they get a divorce, their partner dies or leaves them, they have no family to help or their family cannot help, whatever, they make it work. It is possible, it will be hard, but you can do it and will probably feel so good about yourself and your accomplishments in due time.

First, i would contact the bishop on this priest. he sounds fishy to me. I dont know your whole story, but I would get out of the whole family. they all sound a little nuts. you can get help financially if thats what you need. i would get out on my own. how old are you? and is the babys father any good? i would leave that town. and start a new.

I'm trying to catch up on your soap opera life. Do you live with your Dad & Mom? Where do you work? Are you in school? Who cares or your daughter? Is her father in your/her life? How old are you? Do your siblings have the same feelings about their dad?

I want to get a better picture before I tell you what you need to do.