Am I Being Selfish with My Husband.

Updated on May 26, 2017
L.F. asks from Houston, TX
9 answers

I am 60 yrs old and I decided to pleease my husband and moved to Houston. He is a truck driver, has his own truck and in Florida he was not earning enough.and since he lived in Houston in 2008 things went good. We left Florida the state were I grew up and I have sons, grandkids, sisters n friends. And I believe the wife should follow her husband and gives them your support, and. Do I did. But from the time we stared to make plans to move to Houston ABSOLUTELY everything has gone wrong, Jobs are not steady, earnings are not that good and in top of that some one put sugar inside the diseal tank and the repairs were really very costly and still not runnino as it is supposed to. So he ended up driving someone else's truck. Everything has gone bad including a bankruptcy be cause I got into alot of loans for him to help him move and..Everything turned out soard.
Last octuber he promised that if it didn't worked. We agreed to move back to florida.by end of Oct. I feel that he is not keepping his promise After. He keeps saying that God is goin to help him butI don't see it. IN Top of that he wants to move into a house. Which I don't see how. God only knows how I feel. I don't see any progress. And.he is looking into work with his truck with flat bed a cording to him it pays good. NOW I AM ASKING HIM to please move back to Florida and He said NO WAY you can earn more money here. I explained to him that we are living in worse conditions since the begging. I even told that is may this is not the plan God has for him and that he is forcing the situation. May be God has a other and better plan for him. He says.....No, God tellsme. nTo continue..
What sholud I do? I feel that if I insist moving and things don't work out in Florida he is going to be very upset with me. In the main time, I am tired of Houston which I don't like, I can't wait to move back to Florida.
Ahh to top it all he wants to buy a house here in Texas..
Please avice, I am being self

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So What Happened?

I want to thank all and each one of you who took the time to write to me and advice me. It is truly a blessing to know that there are people like you who cares and help others. Nothing much has change. He is struggling to finally renew the truck''s registration and DOTHER requirements to put his truck back to work. But everytime he thinks this week he is going to have all the money to renew his tag and DOT, something urgent happens that we need to use some of the money we have saved. In this last occasion, our 12 years old miniature Schnauzer is critical ill and we had to take him to the veterinarian. I honestly don't think he is going to make it.
So, nothing is moving towards his dream. I reminded him about the promise he made me that year in October about if by this year in October nothing has improved we were going to move back to Floida. His answer was...yes I know BUT remember such and such (truckers/friends from Florida ) went back to Florida and now they are regretting it and some have come back to Houston because if things are rough here in TX , it is worse in FL. Then he added...I am not going back to earn less than here and housing/rent is more expensive than here. I have to admit that, all that is true. But my point is that...we came here with a purpose/goal and it has been now over 2 years and nothing has worked out. My second point is...I tell him, may be truckers don't get paid as much there BUT there are many truckers who live in Florida and somehow they are making it/surviving. So, why can you be one of those? His response to that was....because I need to recuperate all the money that I have invested/spend on this truck.
I also feel, that if I continue pushing to move back and we somehow end up in FL and things become worse than here...I will be blame for that for the rest of my life.
Like I said on my previous comment, he keeps saying that, he has this feeling that God is going to help him. And I tell him,....I believe that God is trying to tell you that, ...you need to move back because this plan of yours of living in TX, is NOT God's plan for you. The problem is that, You are not truly hearing or feeling God's will. You are forcing your will over His divine plan for you.
He just doesn't see it like I do.
Meanwhile I am here not happy and I don't have the money or the means to go back with all my belongings and pets (poodle, cocktail & my fish tank) I am on my social security disability and my monthly income is very low to live on my own. Living with one of my sons is out of the question. My older son and wife are very picky and will not deal with my babies/pets+don't have a room for me. My youngest son doesn't talk to me for over a year+even if that wasn't the case, he lives in one of those camping mobile homes. The only one will be my youngest sister which is great, because we love each other very much. In her home there, is a room were I can sleep and bring my pets but I absolutely have no room for all my personal belongings. I am not refering to furniture, books and stuff like that. All that kind of stuff will go to a warehouse.
To comment on some of your questions, I was legally married to him once. I divorced him but 5 years ago, we decided to give it another try but never remarried.
Due to that, I had to surrender the section 8 apartment that i had near my sister. I have been a homemaker for about 8+years now, due to illness. About going over there and spending sometime with my family, I did last year, I spend almost 4 months in Florida specially with my sister. About the bankruptcy, is only on my name. I had NOT one debt 3 1/2 years ago but I ended up getting 2 small loans n a few credit cards in order to be able to bring his truck to TX and to cover all moving expenses. The idea was, he would pay for all those credits. He stared to pay for all those debts BUT since money/work has been a huge problem since we got here, he didn't have or earned enough money to pay, we fell behind with the payments and I ended up in collections. I had no choice but to do the bankruptcy. So, yes, he can buy a house later on, than the road. Like I said, I am 60 years old with health isues n low income and he is 58 and I still believe that at our age, I don't think it is a good idea to get into a home mortgage and the responsibility of keeping up with the expenses and maintenance of a house. He doesn't understand, that all I want and need is a lay back and peaceful life.
I wish you all, God's blessing.
Thank you. Would love to hear back from you again.

More Answers

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

You're not being selfish. You're being honest. That should be valued in a marriage. Does not matter that he is the breadwinner in the relationship - you still count. Voicing your wishes does not make you selfish. You have made sacrifices for his plans - which is understandable. If there is more work and he provide more income in Texas, then it makes sense that he would try. If it were me, I'd say we need to have a plan and a timeline and then decide what you will do by that time. Saying you'll wait till God makes it happen .. I don't know, but for me that would not work. There's being supportive of your spouse, but there's also 2 people in the marriage. The higher income (if it happens) may not be worth giving up everything that matters to you. There should be compromise and discussion.

Is there any way he'd go see a counsellor with you? This is exactly the kind of situation where a counsellor can really help people see each other's point of view.

2 moms found this helpful
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B.A.

answers from Columbus on

You're not being selfish. You're looking out for the best interest of your family. You're very close to retirement age, and you both need to seriously think about how you're going to retire in the next 10 years. Since you're in a precarious situation now, I would think that it's in your best interest to move back to Florida and be near people that can potentially help you rebuild your life. Can you possibly live with one of them for a while?

Regardless of what your husband thinks God wants, most lenders aren't going to loan you the money to buy a house. I admire his faith in God, but the thing is, God gives us many gifts. And one of those gifts is the gift of wisdom-- the ability to learn from our past and utilize that knowledge in making future decisions. Does he have a minister that you can both speak with?

The parents of one of our neighbors went through a really tough time several years ago. The IRS levied a tax lien against they business and they were forced to file bankruptcy. They lost everything they had and were in their mid-sixties. They moved in with daughter's family for about a year until they were able to move into some really nice low-income senior housing that they could pay for with their social security benefits. I view that as being the best-possible outcome from them. They're daughter supported them, but it was a short-term situation. And they ultimately ended up in a nice apartment that they'll be in long-term.

If you husband won't go with you to Florida, tell him he can continue to chase his dream while you spend time with family.

Good luck@

1 mom found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

Did you mean BUY a house, or just move into a house? I don't believe that your husband will be allowed to buy a house with a bankruptcy under his belt. If you don't want to move into a house (you're in an apartment?), you do NOT have to.

You sound like my mother used to sound about believing a woman should do what her husband wanted. At the point where my dad wasn't thinking right anymore and made some really questionable legal decisions and left the car running all night and wouldn't let her go out and turn the car off, she still did "what he wanted". But then she had to live with the consequences of the legal decision. AND she ended up having to hide his car keys. Because "God" was in the picture, he expected her to continue to do what he wanted. But faced with the understanding that God had nothing to do with him keeping his car keys, she finally had to put on her grown woman pants and stand up to him and say no.

And at some point, you must do this too.

Stop talking about God's plan and start getting smart about what is necessary for you to do in order to be able to take care of yourself. It sounds to me that you don't have a job outside of the home. How long have you been a homemaker? Did you work for 40 quarters to earn social security and medicare benefits? Has he paid into social security for 40 quarters?

If he has paid into social security, if you two divorce, you will be able to collect social security based on his larger income. You can go talk to the social security office and get help from them so that you know what your options are. (Take a snack with you - you will sit in line for a long time.) Look at their website and see what papers you need to take with you.

You will need to talk to a divorce lawyer - most will allow a free talk one time - and find out what happens if you divorce. Make sure you have copies of bank statements, the bankruptcy stuff, tax returns, and credit card information when you go. Even if you don't want to divorce, you need to know what the ramifications of this continued financial spiral down will do to you. If he borrows money, you are on the hook for paying it back and there cannot be another bankruptcy. Sometimes the only thing that you CAN do to keep from having to pay a spouse's debts is to divorce.

Can you stay with your kids/grandkids or sisters in Florida? That might help you.

Whatever you do, you need to try to work it out that you are not responsible for your husband's debts. That is something you need to figure out with the lawyer.

1 mom found this helpful
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K.G.

answers from Fort Myers on

Buy a 1 way ticket home to Florida. Your husband probably feels like if he goes back, it means hes failed. Do what's best for you.

1 mom found this helpful

T.D.

answers from Springfield on

when a friend of mine had a bankruptcy on her record she was denied every kind of loan to purchase a house. she was informed that legally she could not attempt to purchase a home for at least 7 years. i don't know if its true or not, but it is something you should think about and check into. and no your not selfish. you are missing home and want to go back

1 mom found this helpful
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N.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

You're lonely and miss your family. He's happy to be living somewhere else and working, at least a little bit. You have to have funds to go home every couple of months. It's 16 hours to drive from Houston to Miami, Houston to Orlando is 13, 7 to Pensacola. Depending on what part of Florida it's not more than a day trip to home. You could take a plane and build up points or something. There are ways you can go home to visit more often. Have them come visit you too. One plus is that a house would have more rooms for guests.

Ask him to sit down and work out the budget so you can see how you can afford a house.

In this budget ask him:

How will he pay someone to care for the yard and repairs, he's a truck driver and won't be home all the time.

Apartment rent and utilities are about half of what a house cost, show you how that's going to be paid.

There are more questions but my point is that you and he need to communicate and he needs to know how your heart is breaking for missing home.

But bottom line.

I am a City girl through and through, to the core. I moved from a university town, that I thought of it as a small quaint town, to a town that is less than half of the university town. Okay, I got used to that but still, lived in town. With neighbors and stores and sounds and safety.

I moved to the country with my husband because his father is older and isn't going to live forever. We live here on family land. There are no tornado sirens, my weather radio picks up alarms way before or after a storm. The TV goes out if there is wind, rain, snow, ice, or anything else that can destroy the satellite signal. We live far enough out of town that it's almost like town is a different climate zone. There have been times when town schools were shut down for ice or snow but we have dry grass here and our roads are normal.

I have a storm cellar but it's out in a field so that no debris should fall on it if a tornado or strong winds destroy our house. I'm the ONLY one that goes to the shelter. Everyone else thinks I'm neurotic for even having a storm cellar. I think they're sort of living on the edge.

I cried myself to sleep every night for 6 months after we moved out here. I go to town just about every day thought now and it helps a lot. I realized it's not really that far to civilization and people.

I also went to work, volunteer a lot too. I do better when I'm around people and active with my mind and use my skills. It's something you need to do too. Even if it's just a couple of hours per day at the local library. You'll be around people and your mind will find refuge in it.

.

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

God is telling him you all need to move back to Florida.

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N.B.

answers from Pittsfield on

NO. In fact, you are being proactive. Maybe you should go home for a long visit with kids and grankids, they grow so fast, check things out for him and maybe he will follow. Btw go to government loans for small businesses even free money.

D.B.

answers from Boston on

You're not being selfish at all. You're watching out for yourself and for him as well. Your husband is avoiding responsibility by saying, "God is telling me." There's a saying that God helps those who help themselves, which your husband is not doing.

I think you need immediate support for yourself and your husband, lest you go down the drain to total financial ruin as you approach retirement age. Are you connected with a local church? If not, call a few and see if the pastor will see you or refer you to a pastoral counseling center. I live in a suburban area, and we have one that serves all the surrounding towns, staffed by area clergy members. Maybe your husband would do better with someone who could explain to him that religion doesn't preach that we should sit around and wait for God to do the work. Your husband needs to learn to make better decisions.

If he won't go, then please go yourself to learn how to stand up for yourself. Being a supportive wife doesn't mean letting the man make all the decisions. And right now, you are your husband's best hope if you fight this downward spiral he's dragged you both into.

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