Am I Being to Senitive Because He Does Not Make an Effort on My Bday ?

You know what? My husband doesn't get me anything or even say happy birthday unless I remind him. Do I feel left out? You bet. Do I do anything on his birthday? Not a single thing. I post a "happy birthday honey" on FB and that's it.

Birthdays are not anything special to him and he doesn't even care if I say anything to him or not.

To force him to conform to what I want him to do for me on my birthday is just selfish. He doesn't care about birthdays, or Christmas either, so we just stopped fussing and doing all that.

Celebrating my birthday is the least of the things that would tell me if my husband wants to be married to me or not. It is such a trivial thing that I can't imagine not saying hey, did you plan anything for my birthday tomorrow when you talked to him the day before.

Some people feel loved when they get gifts. Some people feel love when they get compliments. Some feel loved when others do service for them.

I would feel loved if people just wanted to spend time with me or do something with me.

On my birthday I only got FB happy birthdays. Not one person I live with even remembered it and they're friends with me on FB too.

So get over it and tell him next time if you expect him to do more. He's just not in to birthdays. That's not on him. You have to remind him and tell him he needs to do more if you really have to have a big birthday thing.

You guys are separated for a reason.
You are not on the same page, have not been for some time, and it doesn't look like it's happening anytime soon.
I hope you are both in marriage counseling - because learning to communicate about things like birthdays - among other things - is going to move you ahead in deciding if this marriage will fall apart or get together again.
Have you just sat down together and TALKED about it?
No texting, no planning or shuffling plans or cars.
Just saying:
"Did you enjoy how your birthday went? Was it important to you? I felt my birthday was given short shrift and it upsets me. I feel I make efforts to make you happy and I don't feel like you are making a similar effort. Your happiness is important to me. Is mine important to you?".
A marriage counselor can guide you in how to communicate your feelings without sounding accusatory (I probably didn't state it the best way it could be said).

Somehow or other - you two have to have a meeting of the minds/hearts.
I'm thinking this birthday kerfuffle is a symptom of a larger problem - and that's what needs to be addressed.
At some point you have to decide if working to get together again is a waste of your time that might be better spent in finding someone who loves you and doesn't consider it a chore.

Welcome to mamapedia.

I'm sorry - you're not going to like this - but you told him NO BIG DEAL. He can't read your mind. Now you're pissed.

He sounds VERY self-centered and VERY into what HE wants. You go out of your way to make him happy but he doesn't go out of his way. Why are you wasting your time on this guy?

Stop. Just stop. Stop driving over to his house on Friday night. Stop buying things for him. If he wants to date you, he should do it proper. That means, he drives, picks you up and you go out. This is not difficult.

Not sure what you have rebuilt with this guy other than you doing it all. What exactly are you getting from this relationship. Seriously? If he doesn't value you, what is the reason to be with someone like that? Shoot, you can go to dinner with yourself and have a grand time without all the driving around!

Find someone who values you as much as you value them. Life is just too damn short to settle for scraps.

Gees... you told him no big deal, he followed suit and your pissed?

Sounds like you two need better communication skills. DON'T say no big deal if you don't mean it.

It sounds like you keep up with everything and expect tit for tat. He can't read your mind, if you want a big blow out tell him or plan it yourself.

I don't understand how one gets so bent out of shape over a Birthday that you clearly told him was no big deal!!

For trying to get back together, he doesn't seem to be trying too much to please you. He ran out of time to get a card?? BUT, maybe it's because you've not been clear with him or have given him mixed messages.

There seems to be a great deal missing here. Is he a great husband in every other way? A wonderful dad? Is there mutual respect and consideration in other aspects of your marriage beside the birthday/annivesary/gift issue?

Have you given him mixed messages in the past about what you want, or have you expected him to "mind read" and surprise and pamper you the way you do for him? That's a huge set-up for failure.

If he's generally thoughtful, considerate and a mutually respectful partner in all other aspects of your life, then it seems like in these situations, it is you who needs to be super clear and specific.

If something is important to you, you must be clear about it. "I really want to go to X restaurant for my birthday this year" kind of clear. And then confirm with him ahead of time that he has, indeed, made reservations. Since he's apparently not opposed to buying gifts for himself or others, you also need to be clear with him if you are expecting and wanting gifts from him. If you've told him in the past not to bother, he's probably taken you at your word.

Take a look at how you're communicating with him. Don't set him up to fail and disappoint you. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but I can only go from what you've given us here, and that's the impression you're giving.

However, if there are other examples of you and your needs being pushed aside and you find yourself always last on his list of priorities, you have to ask yourself why you are seeking to reconcile.

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

You tell him your bday is no big deal, and he believes you. It gives him an easy out because you take care of everyone else, so he assumes you will take care of yourself as well. So he focuses on his son, the Easter baskets, and so on. So you MUST STOP telling him that things are no big deal and then getting upset when there's nothing. Stop hinting that you want Restaurant A and then being annoyed or disappointed when he picks Restaurant B.

But I think there's more than that going on here. He seems to use the idea that you'll "have more time together" as an excuse for him to do as little traveling as possible while you jump through hoops, get your daughter, and drive to his place. That's your regular Friday night routine too? Why isn't he driving? Why, when there's no reservation made by him for your night, do you try to make one somewhere else (and find they are booked), and then you "wind up" at his favorite restaurant? If he was "going to get you a card" and then "ran out of time," make a list of all the things he was doing to use up that time. All of those things are more important than you are. Remember that.

Why are you overdoing it by spoiling him with expensive champagne and upscale hotel rooms? He is buying an $800 watch when there are children to educate and two households to support? And you're teaching the kids that a "nice gift" is $75 cologne that no child would ever pick out on their own, rather than a handmade card or a kid-decorated photo frame?

I really think that HE values being spoiled financially - so it's your job to do it (lingerie, expensive everything) and it's also his job to spoil himself (watch, his restaurant). You aren't on anyone's list: not his, not your own.

This is going on because he does it and you allow it. In fact, you reward his negligence of you by buying him big stuff. Are you trying to "show him" how to prove love and appreciation? He's not getting the message. He's "hearing" that you think he deserves all of this, and that you think you deserve none of it.

You are going to raise a daughter who thinks the same thing of men: that it's her job to service a man with all kinds of effort (driving all over no matter how inconvenient), patience (waiting to see if he has time for her), and money (buying expensive things).

I can see why he wants to move back in with you - he'll get a woman in nice lingerie who buys him great stuff out of a limited budget, who demands very little, who is "happy for him" when he splurges on himself, and who is content with whatever attention he throws her way when it's convenient.

What I can't see is what you value in this relationship. You have said nothing about how he spoils you, puts you first, makes an effort on your behalf, or anything else. Sorry, but I don't see the 2nd round of your relationship going any better than the first round. You aren't even back together, and already you resent him and know that you will never, ever come first.

As an older person on this site, I want to start off with the advice that unless the two of you together are making at least $150,000 per year, or are living in a community where the cost of living is very low, you seems to be making very expensive purchases on a regular basis. $75 cologne and $800 watches will eat up your income and/or put you in debt very quickly, if you regularly spend like that.

In regards to your husband, I think you need to very sweetly and calmly make it very clear to him how much your birthday/anniversaries/etc. mean to you. Tell him that you really appreciate how thoughtful he is with his other relatives on their special days, and that one expectation you have in getting back together with him is that he will be as thoughtful when it comes to your special days. You need to be really clear about this expectation, and he needs to acknowledge it, and then hopefully follow through on it.

But never tell him that something is "no big deal" when you don't really mean it.

No, you are not being too sensitive. Yes, he should have done something very special to celebrate you on your birthday! He sounds selfish and ungiving. However, this is partly on you. YOU need to state the truth of your feelings loud and clear. Don't tell him your birthday is not a big deal to you. Tell him it is a very big deal to you to be treated on your birthday by your loved ones and it means the world to you. This is the truth. It sounds like you tiptoe around him and are always trying to please him...this is leading to resentment on your part. PS - Some people are not giving and are self centered. People usually do not change. If you stay with this man, you need to state up front what you want from him on your birthday or Christmas. Say what you expect. You may even need to plan it yourself. Sorry. I think you might be a lot happier with a man who is sweet and generous and likes to do things for other people instead of this selfish person.

S., the best thing you can do is forget about either one of your birthdays. He takes you for granted that you will just do this for him, but won't do it for you. So no more birthday special for him.

He will either realize what a mistake he has made and care about you more, or he will get his pants in a twist because you stopped even though he couldn't be bothered with following through for you, or he will start caring about your birthday because he's learned a lesson.

There are men out there like this who don't "do birthdays well". But here's the thing. He spent the day at the mall with his kid and shopped for him. He couldn't do that for you? He couldn't do anything but watch TV for you? Then he tells you that he "always" gets you flowers?

Honestly, what is he interested in you for? Ask yourself this. Is it for sex? Is it for you to take care of him? What is it for? How does he take care of you? Why did he get you flowers? Was it to get you to do something for him?

If he's putting his family members ahead of you, if he's spending money on them and not taking care of you, then you should clearly see where you stand in the pecking order. It's not just about your birthday. It's about what all this means.

Think hard before you go farther with this relationship. Perhaps you shouldn't be together anymore.

By the way, I just read B's response, and she is SPOT ON... Read her post several times...

Girl, you are separated for a reason. Why not just divorce and call it a day? You obviously don't have the same priorities and you don't have the same goals. He doesn't cherish you. He's using you.

this is all about him. Not about you as a couple.

You told him "NO BIG DEAL". He took your word for it. You can't get your panties twisted because he took you at your word.

If Tyler took off in the mall telling me he had to pay a bill and came back with an $800 watch? I would NOT be happy. We make a good living. We don't spend more than $500 without talking to the other. No major purchases, and something over $500 is considered a major purchase.

Go back to school. Get an education. Better yourself. Go to a counselor to find out WHY you are allowing a person to take advantage of you and making these poor decisions.

I get the idea that the relationship has lost its spark.
It's convenience that keeps you together.

Let him go and move on to new adventures. You deserve better!

You told him "no big deal". He listened.

Why are you putting all this energy into a one-sided relationship? I'd love to hear his side of things, but really? No. Just rip the band aid off and divorce him. Move on. Find someone who will celebrate you.

DO NOT jump into another relationship. Go to counseling so you can figure out how to make better choices and not jump.

STOP going to his house. It sounds like a booty-call night. He knows he can "have" you. I'd say "sorry, I have other plans" even if that means staying home and painting your toe nails.

It seems like both of you have communication issues and very different priorities.
I'm very confused that you wanted him to do something nice, yet you didn't want to drive over and pick him up. You were signalling it wasn't important because you were unwilling to make an extra drive.

You write:"He asked If I could just come to his place to get ready to go out after work that way we would have more time together .
I told him sure , as soon as I pick my daughter up from after-care I will head over. "
But that's not what you did. YOU were the one who changed the plans. You say he's 'leaving you out', and if that's so, see it for what it is and be honest with yourself that if this is a pattern, it's not likely to change.

I'm not sure it's time to give up entirely, but definitely time for couples counseling. If you are considering moving back in, I strongly suggest doing this work before living together again. I'd also suggest really reading the writing on the wall-- if this was a boyfriend, would you want to go further with the relationship? You *do have choices*, you are not powerless in this.

Good advice below. Can't really add to it except to say

Say what you mean, mean what you say.

That's some of the best advice I was ever given. It's about being assertive, but also very clear. Don't say it's not a big deal, then expect someone to be a mind reader. No one else is you - they don't know what you mean. Be clear. Men don't like when women hint at what they'd like them to do - they don't get it. If you say "no biggie" then they assume it's no biggie. They don't think "Hmmm.... I wonder if she's just saying that ... but really, I should be doing this.."

My personal opinion is that when people split up, they did so for a reason. Unless that reason has been worked on and is resolved to both your satisfaction, I personally would not get involved. You sound heartbroken over this. So I am guessing there is more to it than just your birthday. Sounds like you are not a priority in his life. Or at the very least, you both have communication issues.

As others have mentioned, couple's counselling can help - especially if you're separated but thinking of getting back together as a married couple. Good luck :)

Why did you tell him your birthday is no big deal?

How about you tell him something like this: "I know I said my birthday was no big deal, but now I feel hurt that you didn't do anything nice for me all on your own. We are suppose to be working on our marriage and part of that is communication. I shouldn't have said that since that's not how I feel. Since I realize my birthday is important to me, I would like a redo. I would like you to plan something special for me like I did for you. I would like you to treat me special for my birthday. So lets pick a day for a redo."

Be more specific with your wants and needs, theres no reason to play games.

Happy Birthday