Am I Wrong? - Unionville,OH

You are not crazy but he probably feels the same way since he is at work all day. Like another poster mentioned why can't you hire a babysitter and go out together or let him have one night a week out and you get to relax the other nights.

It does sound like you are a wee bit jealous. Ok, quite a bit jealous. You need to go out and make some of your own plans. Don't get mad at him, if he is initiating a social life for himself and you aren't.

I do understand why you feel the way you do, but you need to go and do things! He's the daddy, leave the kids with him. He will be fine, and so will the kids. Sometimes you might have to take the kids with you, but so what, you'll be out doing stuff.

Tell him, what you've got going on, on such and such days and then go out and do it! But, don't get mad at him, if you aren't taking the initiative.

You also said that you have been "letting" him do things more often. Spouses shouldn't "let" the other do something or not. You two are grown adults and should'nt have a leash tied to one another.

That said, he shouldn't come to you with his tail between his legs asking you if it's ok if he can do this, or that. It is common courtesy however, to ask how the other one would feel if I were to do this, etc...

Also, you sound a bit controlling and that will drive him away super fast! Perhaps it's just your pregnancy hormones, but usually one doesn't get jealous and controlling during pregnancy, if they weren't already that way.

So to answer your question. No, you're not crazy for feeling the way you do, but you are handling it very wrong, and you are pushing him away by saying no all of the time and getting mad! What is getting mad going to solve?

Good luck to you both!

Quite a few years ago I saw several articles saying that it was very important for each spouse to have their own time and for them to have couple time. The articles suggested that he have one evening or afternoon to do guy stuff, she has one evening or afternoon a week for girls stuff, and they have one evening a week together (the together part could just be watching a movie together after the kids go to bed).

You're not crazy for being jealous because hubby has a social life. You need to get a social life of your own. If he's only working an 8 hour day, there's no reason why you can't go out shopping and to lunch with a friend on a Saturday or take a class one evening a week.

I can understand how you feel. Home 7 days a week with children and no grown up interactions. Soon you will have a newborn and for months, you will really be tied up. This is part of being parents. So what are you going to do?

You can only be jealous if you want to be jealous.

Instead come up with some solutions.. Start picking out nights of the month that you want to go out with friends and your husband can take care of the children those nights.. Or Maybe give your husband 2 Sat. or Sun. a month to play golf and you take the other 2. Again, he can watch the kids.

Get a monthly calendar and plan the nights you 2 go out together. Hire a babysitter.

You do deserve time for yourself, but so does your husband.. You are working full time and so is he.Try to be a problem solver with this. Do not just stew over it.
I am sending you patience and clarity.

Im in the same boat....only we never ever have a sitter, no parents. He goes out sometimes, and i go out when i finally cave in because he makes me, then he watches the kids while i go out. I need to invest in my relationships more, this includes the one i have with my husband, and the ones i neglect to nurture with my friends.

I think the both of us need to hire sitters, hes not wrong for wanting time out, and you are not wrong for feeling its unfair. Both of you need to change

Get yourself to the parks. Bring the kids. They will interact with other stay at home kids and you will interact with other stay at home parents. Once you find some regulars at the park etc it will be better for both of you. Give him a bit of space but insist on once a week of adult time. Meaning no kids just you and him going out to eat or an adult movie. And if he wants once a week he can go and be all day doing his thing let him. Let him go golfing if its once a week not a big deal. But the question is does he spend time with the kids and interact with them. It easy for us women to feel trapped inside with kids and noone so its very important we do mommy and me classes and take our kids to parks and beaches . Places they can run free a little bit. And don't feel bad about joining a gym or the ymca and going there and taking classes and letting them play with other kids. It will help you alot.

I would highly recommend finding a social outlet. I am a teacher so I stay home all summer and I am with friends or doing something everyday to avoid going insane. I am involved in a lot of girls night such as book club, bunco, coffee nights etc.. Try to put your son in a Little Gym class, story hour at the library, church functions where you can meet other people. I think if you find some time for you then you won't be upset with your husband and both of you will be happier. I start back to work soon and although I miss my kids- it gives me a lot of balance so I don't go crazy. Good Luck!

I say let him have his "boy time", but tell him that you need some "girl time". If he goes out once a week on his own, so do you. If he really wants you BOTH to benefit from this then he should be more than happy to have you go out on your own too. Explain that you are home all day every day, and love it, but that you also need time away. If you can't have your time then he can't have his. Hopefully this will either give you the time you need out of the house or nip his ways in the bud. Either way, you win!!!

Did you make the choice to be a stay at home mom? Did you make the choice to baby sit your nephew? Does he deny you when you want to go out with your friends? Does he limit who can be your friend?
It sounds to me like you are mad at him because of choices that you have made. I know that often times when a man doesn't want to be at home, it's because home is not a nice play to be and divorce usually follows.
My suggestions is that you examine what the problem really is. Then figure out what you want and how to fix it.
I am a stay at home mom by choice, I do the cooking and cleaning, laundry and shopping and I am they primary care giver to the children. My husband works 52+ hours a week and he has a fun time doing it. I used to feel upset when he didn't want to do things with me, then I realized he didn't like to do some of the same things that I did. We have had some very open and honest conversations and have learned a lot. We have been together for 22+ years, so you can still learn about your partner. He does things with his friends, I do thins with mine and we do things together.
If you don't have a lot of friends/family to watch your children, try swapping child care time with the mother of your nephew or join a Mom's Club and trade baby sitting with other moms. Have you considered taking up golf so you can spend more time with him? Talk to him about it first, so that he doesn't feel like you are smothering him. Something like "I've noticed how much you are enjoying playing golf, would you consider teaching me how to play? I think it would be fun to learn and great exercise too" Maybe after you learn you could start playing with other women and form more friendships.
Also, you mentioned that you have friends who have kids and a lot of social lives...talk to the moms and see how they do it. Set up get togethers with them and the kids.
This is your problem and you need to figure out the solution because right now your husband doesn't see a problem...

Does he ever come home and tell you to go do something to get out of the house. I feel the same way at the end of the day, but my husband will devote time to me if I need it to just talk and he will help out with our son. I am alone alot too just because my husband has to go to sleep by 7 to get up at 3. But, my husband always tells me to go do something for myself or with my friends. If he's not offering you time away too, then NO, it's not fair and he needs to realize that you need your time away too.

No there is nothing wrong with how you feel or think. You need girl time. I became a SAHM and I had a similar feeling of almost resentment toward my husband and he didn't even spend half as much time out of the house as it sounds like your hubby is doing. I felt really guilty for getting upset when I'd get the call that he was going to be late or I also felt silly for getting upset if he said he'd like to meet one of his pals for a beer. I share your feeling of the assumption that other wives would be okay with this. My advice and something that helped me...stop thinking how other wives would act, stop feeling bad about feeling bad. Being a SAHM is hard.....really really really hard. Yes we need to have our independent social time but from your story it seems pretty one sided. There is nothing wrong with the feeling you are expirencing and you are entitled to every one...don't get hung up on what kind of a wife you SHOULD be and communicate to him the person you are and how abandoned you feel sometimes. That helped me anyway, good luck. I'd nip this now because it will only get worse. I joined a Mom group in my area and that helped a lot now that I get some interaction with other Moms and now I go our for drinks with some of them too w/o kids of course!

Updated

No there is nothing wrong with how you feel or think. You need girl time. I became a SAHM and I had a similar feeling of almost resentment toward my husband and he didn't even spend half as much time out of the house as it sounds like your hubby is doing. I felt really guilty for getting upset when I'd get the call that he was going to be late or I also felt silly for getting upset if he said he'd like to meet one of his pals for a beer. I share your feeling of the assumption that other wives would be okay with this. My advice and something that helped me...stop thinking how other wives would act, stop feeling bad about feeling bad. Being a SAHM is hard.....really really really hard. Yes we need to have our independent social time but from your story it seems pretty one sided. There is nothing wrong with the feeling you are expirencing and you are entitled to every one...don't get hung up on what kind of a wife you SHOULD be and communicate to him the person you are and how abandoned you feel sometimes. That helped me anyway, good luck. I'd nip this now because it will only get worse. I joined a Mom group in my area and that helped a lot now that I get some interaction with other Moms and now I go our for drinks with some of them too w/o kids of course!

How about giving yourself permission to get help. Find yourself a babysitter you can trust and go out with your husband and your girlfriends more often.

Have one night a month where your husband stays home and you go out with friends. He can have one night a month too that he can count on. Then be sure to go out alone (or with friends, no kids) together once a week. And possibly you can get a teenager to come in the afternoons a couple of days to give you a break.........read a book, go shopping or take a hot bath.

Don't forget to do something as a family every week too!

I'm having the same problem. i think its because of our ages. I'm almost 20 and he's almost 19. We have a one and a half year old and a newborn. I know were younger than most parents are age but we carry the responsibility well. We've been together for 4 years and have been best friends before that. Yet he always wanted to be out messing with his friends. his thing is ultimate Frisbee. he wanted to go out at least four times a week. Me i don't have many of my close friends near me so I'm always at home. I can't get together with other mom's because most in this area are not the type i can associate with. When i do hang out with friends i always took our first son with me and now that my second son is born i haven't left the house once except to grocery shop.

For us we just argued it out until we both knew what the other was feeling and then came up with a compromise. Now he has his friends over a lot more and leaves much less. he's their to help out with the kids and we can spend some family time together.

You are not crazy, but I understand EXACTLY how you feel! I am a SAHM to a 3yr old and 21 mo old (girls) and 7 mos pg with my boy. There was a year when I did not go out ANYWHERE without my kids. It was pushing me over the edge. My hubby works about 60-70 hours a week so I was really alone all the time with the kids. Finally I just told him I can't do it anymore! We need a babysitter once a week so I can have some ME time and I also needed to go back to the gym or i was going to really lose it! So my MIL watches them 5 hours every wed and I would get up at 7am go to the gym while they and he were still sleeping and be home by 9am. Most of the time they would just be getting up by the time I got home. I never had an issue with my hubby going out cuz he was always working anyway. I don't think it even crosses his mind to go out since the kids are so small. We have only been on one date in 3 years as well. What you have to do is compromise, or sounds like he's the one who has to! Believe me I understand how hard it is, my hubby will only let family watch our kids and really only his mom and sis are available since all my family lives 2 hours or more away. But you HAVE to make a plan and talk to him about it. Once a week for a few hours is NOT asking for 2 much! Even when I have nothing to do with those 5 hours I get a week I'd go sit at Barnes and Noble and read. Anything just to be alone! You need it and deserve it! Remember a happy wife means a happy life! And your children deserve to have a happy mommy! Good luck and you are not alone in the way you are feeling! We all go thru it, it's just a matter of finding a way to each get a little of what you need!

The thing is he asked you could he play golf on Thursday and it bothered you, but you still said yes. You are about to have another baby and will feel more alone now that he has picked up another day of golf. You need a game plan. You need to sit down with hubs tell him you are envious, tell him even though he is ok for you to go out for "me time" you feel you are the SAHM and a babe is on the way he needs to help you. Make a schedule now about taking care of toddler and baby now. Get him to agree and write it out so when the new LO shows up you won't feel overwhelmed or alone. Not to get into your financial biz, but if hubby belongs to a club sounds like you can afford a mommies helper/baby sitter/PT nanny ...... Start looking into that get references from people with help and go from there. Nothing will change for you if you don't take the first step. good Luck!

I think you have every right to feel the way you do , everyone needs some time for themselves , it's natural. Does he play golf every Sunday? If I were you I would book myself a maincure and pedicure or a facial (or whatever you want) and go out on a Saturday all day like he does and leave your son with his dad. It is the only way he will truly understand what you do all day , and how draining it can be looking after a toddler and having no interaction with adults. Is there anyway you have have more playdates with friends who have kids? It's good for you and your son to mix with other people. I am rarely home , even if I go to the playground for an hour , there is always someone to talk to , I make sure the house is tidy (it's not spotless) and I make sure I have dinner ready , but I need to leave the house for my sanity.

Your def. not crazy!!! I think every stay at home mom feels this way if she is actually staying at home with her kids. Maybe yall can come to some kind of agreement like once a month you will go shopping with your mom and son and he can have his time to do whatever but in exchange once a month you get to leave the kids with him and go get a mani pedi or see a friend. Normally people who dont stay at home with their kids dont understand that you have no adult interaction pretty much all week and that can really bring you down! I have the same problem! Hopefully yall can find a middle ground that yall both are happy with! Good Luck!

I would suggest you MAKE it fair. Give him sundays, all day, for WHATEVER he wants to do with them from wake up until bedtime. IF, and ONLY IF, you get Saturdays. And why NOT each take one weeknight away? That give you each 3 nights a week home with each other, and 2 nights a week "out" (or at least, off duty).

I had this out with my H years and years ago. It's not fair that he got 2 days a week off of work, and I got 0. So we each (starting at 9mo) got one day off. After about a year of this, he switched to 4 10's so that we could have my day, his day, and family day.

I just think... instead of misery loves company... why not do the opposite?

Does your husband doesn't like if you go out? If he doesn't like it, then he has issues and you should put your foot down.
But if doesn't have any problem with you having friends I would find friends or activities to do yourself.
Both of you have the right to have "some" free time.
You actually could tell him: "Honey, we should take advantage of the time we have left to go out, because ones the baby born WE are not going to be able to go out a lot. So what 2 weekends would you like to take, I will take the other 2"
take care.

I'm very sympathetic. If he's not expressing concern for your feelings I'd say you've got to get started with counseling. If he won't go, you go by yourself.

You have the right to feel whatever you feel! Feelings are never wrong. They are a way for us to know when something needs to be changed. And for what it's worth you have good reason to feel jealous and angry.

I also urge that BOTH of you have one night/time out by yourselves. Find a way to do this in a way that is helpful to you. You've been primary caretaker at home alone with the kids for too long. Think about what you'd like to do on your own and do that. Discuss it with your husband but stick to your guns and do it, whether or not he "understands."

Use the power that you share with him. You have just as many rights as he does. When the two of you learn how to share that power both of you will be happier. You're feeling angry and crazy now because you're feeling like you have no power and must go along with what he says. Yes, you can't stop him from going out without you. But you also have the right to do that. If you're staying home without working at finding a way to do this for yourself you're allowing yourself to be treated as a child/employee and he's the daddy/boss, to put it crudely.

Find your power without taking power away from him. You both deserve and actually need time for yourself.

Later: Perhaps reading and learning how to us "non-violent" communication would help you in getting started talking with your husband in a manner that will make it more possible for him to understand your needs. There is a web site and at least one book. "non-violent" doesn't really have anything to do with violence. It's a way of talking that enables both people to hear the other one. Using I statement is part of that. Have you said to him, "I feel so alone and need to have you home more. Could we talk about how to make that happen?" Wording this way is talking about what you need instead of blaming him for what he's doing.

After thinking about your post, I want to also suggest that it is your responsibility to make happen what you need. Ideally, your husband would help you do that as you're helping him by "allowing" him to golf. I didn't pick up on your saying that you told him yes even tho you felt jealous, etc. Did you tell him how you felt? If not, did you not tell him because of the negative response you expected to get? Listen. You said he didn't ask you because he thought you'd say no. I strongly suggest that the two of you could use some help in learning how to talk with each other. The "non-violent" communication model can do that for you.

I haven't read all the responses, but you are neither crazy nor unfair. You need a break too!

I think that the answer here is compromise. I think it's fine for him to go and play golf every few weeks, but that means that you get an afternoon to yourself on the weeks he isn't playing golf. Go shopping by yourself or even just sit at a park in the shade and read a book, but you deserve time to yourself as much as he does. You're not crazy to feel the way you do, but it isn't his "fault" that he works with family and does have more of a social life. That's just the way it is. If you told him it was okay to be gone on Thursday nights for the league, then let him go, rain or shine. But, see if you can arrange to go for coffee or a glass of wine with a friend on, say, Tuesday nights (doesn't even always have to be the same friend....just call someone up and make plans!). Or, see if you can find a Bunko group in your area to meet some new people and have something that you do for yourself. They usually meet once per month. Just be sure you don't pack your individual social calendars so full that you don't have time for each other and you both still need to spend time with your child together. It is so hard to adjust to being a SAHM and it really is hard not to feel isolated, but some of the owness is on you to find ways to get out and interact with people. Take your child to toddler time at the library or join a playgroup so that you can meet other SAHM's. I think I would have lost my sanity without my playgroup friends! Our kids are all preschoolers now and the group has disbanded, basically, because of our schedules, but we try to get together for girls' nights sometimes just to keep in touch.

I also understand the frustration of thinking that everyone else has a life but you, but at some point you have to be content with what you are capable of. We have no family nearby at all and babysitters are expensive, so we don't get the opportunity to go out much. Lots of our friends and neighbors do have built in babysitters (a.k.a family), so their social calendars are more full than ours, but "keeping up with the Jonses" only breeds discontent with your own life. I've had to learn that we just have different circumstances than they do and we make a conscious effort to do what we can with what we have. Do you know another couple that you can trade babysitting with? That way, you and hubby can go out one night and watch their kids and then you return the favor so that they can have a date. All of these things take coordination and effort, but you have to let go of the anger and resentment and turn it into resolve to fix the situation. I hope these suggestions have been helpful. I don't want you to think I'm being harsh with you. I have felt this EXACT same way and I didn't deal very well with it and all it caused was problems between me and hubby, so I'm hoping you'll learn from my mistakes and handle it differently than I did. Complaining to hubby won't get through to him. He can't understand what it's like to be a SAHM, so don't bother trying to explain it. Just make a plan so that each of you gets some time away and ask for his cooperation to make it happen. Good luck. I can feel your frustration and, as I said, I've been there, but it can and will get better....promise!! Hang in there!

You have so many responses I couldn't read them all to see if I'm being repetitive so I'll try to keep this short - 1) you're not crazy or unfair. 2) maybe some wives don't mind but some husbands also stay home more than yours. I've learned that we are who we are and while some people may not "need" certain things, some do and while we can tone down those needs when we have kids, it's all a matter of degrees. So you can only fight it so much w/out making both of you miserable. I had to learn to accept my husband NEEDS to workout etc. 3) definitely talk to your husband and acknowledge that yeah, it is tough to be 25 and not have a lot of freedom. I'm 40 and can't handle it sometimes. :) It may help him to be heard and not compared to your situation. Sometimes I think it's no one's "fault". There's just a lot of work when you have young kids. 4) I work full time and while I'm out of the house, it's not "me" time so while easier for him to be at work, still not fun. 5) as my sister told me when I struggled w/ really young kids, think "no victims here." Do what you need to do to take care of your needs. Make choices and own them. Go back to work if you think that's easier. Husbands aren't typically that considerate. So take charge - tell him he can go out but you're spending $x for babysitters then. Hopefully he's responsible enough to work out a budget that maybe cuts down on his golf but makes you happier and in turn, him happier. Not going to get easier w/ #2 on the way. Also, try to get into playgroups. You're still w/ the kids but way easier/more fun if you're chatting w/ other moms too.

It does get better! If my husband and I managed to get through it all, most people can. :)

Things have to be different because you have children now. My husband was a musician when we began dating. He gave it up before we got married and quite honestly, I was happy about it between the nasty groupies and the other bandmembers' life choices. Fast forward, he misses his music which I have always encouraged him to at least keep playing. Now he talks about joining a band again and I've told him, I will be supportive unless it becomes a constant thing. We are about to have our 4th child. I am not looking to have him gone some evenings a week for practice and then every weekend for shows. There has to be a limit. What that limit will be I have no idea, but he knows how I feel and I trust he will be considerate of that like I am trying to be considerate of what he wants to do.