Any Pilots Wives Out There?

Hi K.,

I can relate. My husband travels about a week of every month and a straight month of every year. It is hard, but we get by. I have a 2 1/2 yr old boy and 3 1/2 year old girl. I do have help on Tue and Thu, but when you are alone all weekend and then all week it's still hard! I think that the hardest thing for me is not just being with the kids, it's being without my partner.

I don't know where you live, but I am always around to meet for playdates, etc. I am the only one in my community with a husband whose gone all the time.

Best,
E.

My husband is a commercial pilot with US Airways. I would LOVE to talk to you! I can definitely relate on ALL of the things that you talked about. Please send me an email at ____@____.com.

N. S.
mom of Avery -- 16 months

The 1st year is tough. I have 2 that are 17mo apart. I am here to tell you it does get easier. My husband works a lot so often times I would have to do the bedtime routine on my own. The best solution I have found is to strap my 3yr old in his booster seat and let him watch his favorite show so I could take the baby back and get him bathed and to bed. Then come out and take care of the 3yr old.

HTH, and GL

Hi! I am a single mom of an 18 month old, and feel like I am FINALLY figuring it out. The challenge being alone is HUGE. Ways that I cope is to remember these things: 1- This too shall pass. Every tantrum, cold, or late bedtime is temporary. Tomorrow is a new day. 2- You are only one person. Take pride in what you do, because your job as a mom is so important, and you do a lot for your kids. It is tough work for two people, and even tougher for one. 3- Be sure to take some time for yourself. It may only be 30 minutes every week or two, but treat yourself to a walk in the park, a pedicure, or a massage, and remember that you deserve that time - spoil yourself when you can. If all else fails, I have found a glass of wine once the kids are in bed is relaxing :)
As far as everyday routine goes - I have found that the more chores become games, and the more she can help out, the happier my daughter is. The time I have with her is precious, so even just cooking dinner becomes fun bonding time. Complain to your friends and family - they usually understand... It is tough and frustrating work to be a mom!
Most importantly, remember you are so lucky to have a great family!

Hi K. -

I'm not a pilot's wife either, but my husband does travel a lot. In fact, I am doing the solo thing right now! I only have one, 9mos. I just have a few little routine things that seem to save me during the more trying times (usually between 4-7!) After she eats lunch & dinner in her high chair, I put her in her exersaucer & allow her to watch a Baby Einstein video. This is fun for her b/c she knows it's coming & gives me about 25 minutes of peace to clean up, read emails, etc. Also, when she's napping mid-day, I allow myself some "me" time, even if I have dishes to do, etc. It's time for myself that I look forward to & tends to get me through the rougher patches. Something else that tends to work for my daughter while I'm getting her bath ready at night is to turn on music for her in her room & plop her on the floor w/ her favorite toys. The music seems to make her not realize that she's alone for a few minutes & the toys distract her. That's when I get her bed/bath/bottle ready at the speed of light & start the night routine. I know that you have two, and I can only imagine having to juggle the attention spans of two ages, so good luck & if you get other advice or think of something great, let me know!!!!! Oh, yeah, if all else fails & the situation is dire, I pack her in to the car & we take a drive or go to the mall to walk around until about 30 minutes before bedtime. :o)

Hi K.,

I know how hard it is! My kids are around the same age as yours and my husband owns his own business, so it seems like he is always gone. Last year we were living in separate cities for a month and a half while he got things started up where we live now. More recently he has been gone weekends (in addition to working during the week) for extra training. Sometimes we go with him, but then there's the extra work of packing, laundry, etc.

The main thing that gets me through the rough times is just giving myself the mental okay to just go with whatever the kids want to do. That means that routines sometimes have to go out the window, otherwise I end up with two crying kids in my arms. I try to get my toddler involved with the tasks involved with caring for the baby - fortunately he likes watching and helping with her bath.

I do have a young teenage girl who comes and helps me for a few hours in the afternoon on some of the days when I am alone. (Much cheaper than a babysitter or maid!) That's when I shower and prepare something to eat for that night. If all else fails, again I give myself the mental okay to break some rules, and go get take-out food for lunch or dinner. The kids appreciate the car ride and I get to eat whatever I want!

Hang in there... everyone keeps assuring me that these days go by before you know it. :)

Hi K.,
My husband was in the USMC when my child was born and up until kindergarten which meant that he was away many weekends and sometimes 6 months at a time. I worked full time outside of the home during her first 2 years, but after that was full time mom. I can tell you, staying at home full time was much more difficult since being at work broke up the day. You need to definitely open up for support of neighbors, friends, church members, family and whoever else can help you. I have many friends in similar circumstances. Join a mommy and me group at church, community or on base. Hire a high school neighbor to help out with your child while you are home to give you a chance to take a shower, make dinner or read a book. Don't worry about keeping the house perfect. Your kids nor you will remember how clean your floors were or how perfect your meals were. I hate cooking so I used to go buy the lunch specials at restaurants and take them home for dinner. I relied on neighbors to help even if it was just to rock my daughter to sleep and hand her off to me. Trust me, if I can do it anyone can! I am not innately good with babies, but I went with my strengths...organizing and coordinating...get the help you need for your kids and for you. Be creative and open minded and don't expect perfection.

Remember when you are on a plane and the flight attendants tell you to put the oxygen mask over your face before putting it on your children? You do need to make sure that your needs are taken care of so you can better be a loving mother for your kids.

Get involved with other moms on base one way or another. You can trade of childcare and get some mommy time. Take a class on base or in town even if it's just a gymboree type thing so you can meet and interact with other moms. I've met lifelong friends this way.

If you have items you are unable to handle physically (fixing car, repairing home items, mowing lawn etc), find a neighbor or friend and trade off helping them...(cook an extra meal portion or wash their clothes) or just ASK FOR HELP...if you don't ask, sometimes people don't know. If you can hire a neighborhood teen to help, do it! Trade off sitting services with friends/neighbors etc.

YOU CAN DO IT!! Don't be so hard on yourself either. You do the best you can and get up to face another day. If you have an open mind and trust in yourself, everything will work out. It's tough, but you can do it!!

My husband is retired from USMC now and my daughter is 12. I survived and am a better person from it. Also, I have dear friends all over the nation still and we are in a group email daily contact. Great friends! GOOD LUCK!

I have a relatively absent husband who is home every night, but that's about it- he's not much help, he almost always works late, and even on the weekends if he's not at work he's out working on something else, so I kind of can relate. I'll tell you what helps me- First, it helps that I am an independant person- emotionally and just for myself I don't need to see him that often, but if would be nice if I had some help with our daughter once in a while or had a chance to go out without her. The two most important things are 1) a support network OTHER than your husband (friends, family, church, whoever you have) so you know that if you are at the end of your rope you can, at the very least you can call someone to vent, and you can ask them to help you out if you need to. 2) Don't pressure yourself to do everything perfect every day. My daughter doesn't get a bath every day, and I don't let it bother me- if she's dirty, she gets one, but if not it can wait until tomorrow. And if we have frozen chicken nuggets for supper once in a while, so be it. If you feel overwhelmed take a minute and just prioritize (obviously bills have to be paid, dr.'s appts. made, etc) and let something not get done- my biggest problem with this is that I have a hard time relaxing when things aren't done, but I've learned to get over it! And eventually it does all get done. And when I am the most frustrated I try my hardest to do something with Izzy that will remind me of the joy she encompasses for me- her favorite thing to do is walk to the park so usually that is all it takes, even if the dishes need to be done or it's almost time to make supper. Oh, and I make sure to work out at least five times a week because that is my way to de-stress (she goes to the kid's club at the gym). My child development professors had a good metaphor for both parents and teachers- you are like a pitcher of water; all day long you pour into your kids, your house, etc, but at some point you have to refill- their point is that you have to find something that helps you release stress.

You know what, you have every right to feel sorry for yourself sometimes!! It is the hardest job in the world, being a parent, and having to do it alone really stinks!! I am the wife of a submariner in the Navy. I've spent 320 days alone out of one year! It is hard, but like you mentioned, there are worse scenarios. You just have to get through it, minute by minute. You know, I have found that adopting the nine months in nine months out approach, works very well. With your 5 month old in a sling you have hands free to get other things done... other than that, just breathe and try to take the perspective that when you are 80 these alone days are only a tiny little speck of time in your life, and be grateful that you do have a wonderful husband coming home to you as soon as he can!

Hi K.-
I am married to a firefighter. Since I am a stay at home mom my husband has agreed to work overtimes to make more money. He is usually gone for 5 days straight(he works a 24 hour shift) and comes home for 1 day/night. It was a relief to hear your story because I completely identify with your feelings. I get frustrated with the situation and I too feel sorry for myself at times. By my son's bedtime I am completely worn out. I am also 5 months pregnant. The one positive I think of is I do not have to make a real dinner when my husband is gone. I also try to have mellow afternoons from about 4:00 where we watch a movie or play a game. I have thoughts where I feel like a single mom but I also realize that I don't have to make all the money and I am still married. I don't have much to add for a solution for you but I just want you to know that your feelings are valid and I totally relate to you!! Good Luck!

not a pilot wife, but definatley a do-it yourselfer...single type mom. go ahead feel sorry for yourself, it is HARD!!!! I lost my mind several times. i found joining groups of moms, especially La Leche League (if breastfeeding), gets you in touch with moms that may understand. not all are a perfect fit though. don't compare yourself to others (i do sometimes and it is futile) because you are the only you. the fact you care and you are loving is the most important. kids need to see imperfections or they will grow up in an unrealistic way. they will be more compassionate to others if they see ups and downs. my friend yesterday said, go ahead throw a little temper tantrum...just don't take it out on your kid. ya know what happens when you throw a temper tantrum? kids laugh at you! bec. you are doing a great job!!!!!

Dear K.,
I can relate to your situation. A few years back when my boys were 15, 13, 9 and 5...my husband worked out of state and was only home every other weekend. It wasn't always easy, even though they were not babies, with homework and sports, dr.'s appts. etc...my life was a whirlwind of activity. I made a calender posted on the fridge with a schedule (otherwise it can be easy to forget things). I was also lucky that I had family and friends that were willing to help when I needed it, so if you have that option, ask for help! It is so important that you take time for yourself, if you are not at your best, everyone in the house will suffer!! =) Try to enjoy every minute you have with your kids, because before you know it they have grown up! It will get easier and one day you will look back and wonder how you managed, but then you'll realize it was all worth it! Pray for peace and keep a smile on your face...and be sure to enjoy your wonderful man while he is home!

Well, I'm not a pilot's wife...HOWEVER, I am a musicians wife- so I can empathize- I know what it feels like to be on your own a lot. My love is an amazing husband and father, but there is no denying how demanding his work is. In the moments when I want to drive my head through a wall or scream or I just get so overwhelmed, I take a minute to remember how very blessed I am to be able to be the one with our kids. I don't have to have someone else here, they are not in daycare, etc. That is truly a blessing. There will be plenty of years when your kids will spend more of their days in school and at after school activities and sports....so, my thought is to cherish all of this time now- no matter how trying it is. You are blessed. I just don't let the other thoughts manifest- task at hand- mind over matter...always. Take comfort in knowing that there are other women out there who feel just as crazy, who never make it out of their pj's some days, who order take out and go on dish washing strike...you are NOT alone. love.

K. - my husband travels on business, so he's gone a lot. I figure he's gone 1/3-1/2 the year total. In fact, he's getting ready to leave for 2.5 weeks soon. And, I have 3 kids. They're a little older now - 15, 12, 5 - but that just means 3 kids with 3 different activities at the same time!!! Some days I feel a little like a mad woman, while sometimes I feel like SuperMom. I'll admit it - my kids didn't always get a bath EVERY night, dishes didn't ALWAYS get washed that night, jeans sometimes got worn more than once before washing. Dinner was usually easy - mac&chz, pb&j, pizza - or I used my crockpot. And all my kids learned to help with chores and be a little self-sufficient (get their own cereal in the morning, dress themselves, etc). This left more time for snuggling up and reading at the end of the day.

sounds like you are mostly overwhelmed in the evenings, maybe you could prepare dinner earlier in the day & just warm it when it is time to eat. When it is just you & the kids make your meals simple, save the more complex meals for when Daddy is home, most every thing else can wait. Don't feel like every thing has to be perfect, just relax & try to see life thru your kids eyes, its more fun

K., I am a Navy wife who's husband is deployed. I totally know about feeling alone, like a single parent. It is hard. I have found over the years that the biggest things that help me is a supportive church that I stay active in and a good network of friends that are there for me. Keeping busy and staying focused is a big one. Take care and know that you are never truly alone.

Hi K.! :)

I promise, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! There's lots of us military wives out here in the world! I'm a 33-yr old mom of 3: Jessica is 12 1/2, David is almost 11, and Rachel just turned 3. My Hunny's a cop in the AF, has been in 15 years, and we've been married for almost 14 of those (and together for almost 18).

Since we've been married, he's been on 2 1-yr remotes (Korea and Alaska), 5 trips to the desert (the last one almost a year in Iraq), 4 months in Italy, and as a family we've moved from Texas to Alabama to Germany to Hawaii! *whew!* That's a lot in 14 yrs... Basically it breaks down to him being deployed in some form or another every other year. We actually counted up the time he's been gone, and it adds up to over 6 YEARS of time away from us...

I'll be one of the first to agree this stinks. There has been many a time I truly hated feeling like a single parent when I knew I didn't technically have to be. And yes, I did feel guilty that I was complaining about it, and think the people who truly ARE single parents deserve a lot of credit. I don't know how my mom-in-law did it. (Her Hunny died in an accident when my Hunny was 8 and she was a single mom with 3 kids. But she worked, she had them in activities when she could afford it, and told them often they were loved...)

It's easier to deal with deployments now than it was when my dad was in. When my Dad did his year remote in Korea, I was in 6th grade, and it was 1986. We could write him all the letters we wanted, but I didn't write him often because I was very angry that he had to be away from us. I was only able to talk to him twice on the phone that year, and each time I said something, I had to say "over" at the end... it was being patched through an Army radio dispatch. There was no email, no video phones, no calling cards free from the community center. My parents survived the deployment, but were years in getting their marriage back and happy again... Thankfully they did, and have been married now for 38 years! :)

When my Hunny went to Korea, he had a phone in his room, and we talked on the phone almost every night. We also emailed very regularly. It helped a lot, with our marriage and our stress levels! BIG difference from my dad's remote there 20 yrs ago, huh?

Jessica has taken her dad's deployments in stride. She cries off and on, but when she needs to be hugged and reassured that yes, Daddy will be coming home and yes, he does miss and love her, she comes to talk to me about it (and has since she was 5).

David, on the other hand, holds things in deep down inside, and won't talk about how much he's missing Dad and hurting inside until he literally has that wall he's built around himself crack, and he dissolves into a puddle of sobbing tears on my lap... He's taken my Hunny's deployments the hardest. And honestly, he's gotten the worst end of the stick. Just the way deployments and moving and more deployments have fallen, my Hunny missed THREE of David's birthdays IN A ROW! And the last one was the hardest... He turned 10. And on a military base, that's a HUGE deal! You get your ID card and can go places on your own, like the movie matinee with friends. (I had taken Jess out of school half a day to get hers, took her to lunch, and a movie of her choice. We had planned on my Hunny doing the same thing for David... instead, poor David was stuck doing it with his Mom. He still had fun, but it wasn't the same as having a Guy Day with his Dad.)

Rachel was 2 months old when my Hunny went on his year to Alaska. She got to talk to her Daddy on the phone off and on (okay, she was mostly listening and cooing a little, which had Daddy crying), and saw mostly current pictures on the computer every few months, so when we reunited with Daddy, she was leary, but not afraid. And when he sang "You Are My Sunshine" (a song he sang to my belly every pregnancy, and every time he put one of our kids to bed himself), she whipped her head around in surprise, gave a big smile and ran to him and hugged him! :)

He was terrified she wouldn't remember him because Jessie didn't recognize him after only a 3 month deployment (the only picture I had to show her was a HS senior pic and he changed a lot physically, got more tan, very short hair, lots more muscles). I sat on the couch next to him, asked our 15-month old where was Daddy. She brought me that senior picture. My Hunny was trying desperately not to cry... I took the picture from her gently, pointed to the eyes in the picture then my Hunny's eyes, and said same eyes, same nose, same mouth... same Daddy! She cocked her head to the side, looked from the picture to the person... said Daddy? He nodded, and she ran to him climbed in his lap and hugged him all on her own! BIG MOMENT!

That right there told me that no matter what, as long as we took the time to explain to our kids what was going on (not all the details, but a basic outline for their age level), and made sure they got to talk to Daddy on the phone, hear his letters, saw his pictures around the house, and let them know we both love them Bunches... that things would be a LOT easier for them, and us!

Why do we stay in? We get asked that question a lot... Several reasons. 1. All 3 of our kids were preemies, and if my Hunny hadn't been in the military we'd still be paying off the medical bills! 2. Job security. He'll never get laid off, and if he stays in 20 yrs, we'll have a nice retirement check for a long time to come. 3. We have literally shown our kids The World! They know the world is a lot bigger than the small town the cousins live in. And there are lots of interesting places and people and cultures out there that we might ever have been able to show our kids if it wasn't for the military! 4. The pride in our country and the brotherhood we share. Our kids are very proud to be American, and take comfort in the knowledge that even though it's tough to move, there will be kids at the new base that know exactly what they've been through cuz they're doing it too! They'll always have something in common. :)

The biggest and best advice I can give you... Do NOT just sit in the house and be a hermit and mope the entire time he's gone. A little bit in the beginning, but then get off your backside, and go outside. Meet your neighbors, talk to people at work, go to the gym or put the baby in a stroller for a walk. Just get out of the house. Fresh air and sunshine do Wonders for your mood, trust me!

Find out who's got a teenager that can babysit, even if it's only once a month, so that you can go out and have a day or night to yourself to see a movie with friends or whatever. Get the kids involved in something... whether it's sports, music, hiking, playgroup. It gets their minds off of their parent being gone, at least temporarily. Even if it's only for an hour, it'll do them a world of good.

When your kids are school-age, make sure their teachers know about Dad's deployments. Then, if they notice that your munchkins are having trouble with their schoolwork or getting into fights, you'll know and be able to get your kids the help they need. The school counselors are a great resource.

Family Advocacy and the Family Support Center are wonderful too. Most have programs for deployed families, that range from getting together for a family fun night to bowling or movies or Thanksgiving Dinner! Some also have packages of free stuff for deployed families that include free calling cards, free oil changes, etc. Very Useful Stuff!!! They have counselors that you can talk to, your kids can talk to, that are completely confidential so you don't have to worry about this affecting your Hunny's career, or anyone in his Unit knowing (unless you choose to tell them). You can also talk to people at the church (even if you're not religious... they're good counselors and listeners too!).

Don't forget to talk to your doctor either. If you don't take care of yourself, who'll take care of your family?

Use the phone. Use the internet. They are WONDERFUL ways to keep in touch with your Hunny. I didn't worry about the bill too much on this one (although it's less of a worry if you get a good long-distance plan and unlimited internet access). I justified it as a necessary expense to keep me sane! Being able to call family and friends to share or vent, even when we were on opposite sides of the planet, was a HUGE comfort.

And about getting dinner done and kids bathed and laundry and dishes and everything... Accept that you are one person. The world will not stop spinning because you didn't do dishes before you went to bed. The house police will not come chew you out because you didn't finish the laundry and your kids have to wear the same pair of pants 2 days in a row. I PROMISE!

Get your kids to help! Your 3 yr old is old enough to help put spoons, forks, and plastic cups in the dish washer while you work on the rest over him. He's old enough to help put away his things too (makes it easier if there's a toy bin or plastic drawers labeled with pictures as well as words). He's old enough to bring you a new diaper off the shelf while you're changing his sister, or shake a rattle or make her bear dance if she's crying while you're stirring dinner. Makes it a lot easier on Mommy, and gives him something to brag about to Daddy when he calls! :)

If you choose to hire someone to help out, that's up to you and your budget. We couldn't afford that, but some of our friends could. You can also trade chores with a friend. Something I did was trade babysitting with another mom. We could do whatever we wanted with the time. I've gone Christmas shopping, ran errands, gone to the gym, had a bubblebath (with no little fingers reaching under the door!), and even cleaned my house during that time! Got a lot more cleaned and didn't have to worry about the vacuum waking the baby! :) Extra Bonus... It was FREE!!! :)

Something else VERY IMPORTANT... Understand that there will be some adjustment and lots of patience needed when you're finally reunited. We've found in our experiences, it takes about 1/4 to 1/3 of the amount of time they were deployed to feel like we're meshed back together as a family again after they're home. When he was gone a year, it took 3-4 months before we were US again, and not bickering over petty stuff.

While they're gone, they have their routines over there (wherever "there" is) and we develop ours... everything from paying bills and taking out trash to what method of discipline is used and when the munchkins go to bed. (Not to mention, when they get back, you have to negotiate/compromise about what you're going to watch on TV or what movie to see.)

Be PATIENT, and TALK TO EACH OTHER!!! That is the biggest key to working through it. Talk to each other. If you have a problem talking face to face, write a letter or email to him. Communication is a Big Key.

And don't forget, you have to Share the Munchkins now... The cuddles and kisses as well as the diaper changes. Try not to get too jealous. He's missed them too... (While he's gone, don't forget to send him emails with how the kids are doing, the little things that make you laugh, the new word, and include pictures when you can. It will help a lot. Lets him feel like he's not missing Everything. My Hunny was trying not to resent the fact that I was getting to be there for them and he wasn't.)

I promise you are not alone. You are a wonderful person and a great mom. You're a great wife. You CAN do this. I have faith in you. :) Don't just stay in the house. You're depriving the world of the opportunity to meet You.

Hugs from Me,

B. =:)

K., my husband is a pilot. It is hard. I had a little training because he was a Marine prior to this so the 6-9 month deployments helped prepare me a little. I think it is hard for us, becuase a few days a week he is home and is there to help out, then he is gone . . .again. It isn't like we don't know he is leaving, but it just is so much easier when he is there. I know exactly how you feel when you say some days you can't believe that you can do all that you do and the others when you just don't think you are making it work. I have 2 boys that are 3 & 4. Right now they are in preschool a couple days a week, and it helps me to regain my sanity. If you work from home, perhaps you can try finding a mother's helper. Someone who can come in and take care of the kids, play with them etc. while you get some work done, take a bath, take a nap etc. . . One of our neigherbors had a 13 year old girl that I called over once or twice a week, before the kids started going to preschool, and she would play with them for a couple hours while I did what I wanted around the house. Since you are there, any problems can be dealt with by you, but you still are able to take time for yourself. Also not sure but with my two boys even if I had just one at a time it was a lot easier. There is a place called "Playmates" in Laguna Niguel. This place offers hourly drop in childcare. Children have to be at least 2, but you don't need a reservation, you can drop in anytime, they will serve lunch/dinner snacks, and they have playtime, naptime etc... I used to use it with my kids if I needed a little time to myself or even had an appt I needed to go to. The website is http://www.plazadelapaz.com/merchants/Playmates.htm. The phone number is ###-###-####. Don't worry about complaining, we are all allowed to because we are all trying to cope with the same difficulties of rasing children while doing a thousand other things. I hope this helps, please email me anytime, I would love to keep in touch with someone else who has a husband only 1/2 the week most of the time!

I feel your pain. My husband travels often too and my 11 month old always manages to get sick when hes gone. It's like clockwork. In fact this week hes going to Vegas overnight. Luckily shes getting over her cold, but I'm afraid of whats going to happen once he leaves!

I'm still trying to figure out how to juggle everything. I'm very fortunate in that I have a wonderful day care provider and I have the luxury of taking her there on my days off. That is such a life saver! It gives me a day to clean the house, do laundry and grocery shop and if I'm lucky make dinner. I felt really guilty leaving her there on my days off at first until I went to pick her up one day and she was having so much fun there she didnt want to leave! I still have a little guilt, but I tell myself that its good for both of us. I've actually been able to drop her off and have a lunch date with my husband!

I dont know if I'd be able to do it all day every day...I mean I know that I could, but having her definately changes everything!

A.

Hi K., I sympathize with you completely and know exactly what you are going thru. Although my husband is not a pilot, he's still a white collar professional, he's an attorney and puts in really long hours. Plus he is a screen writer so he spends tons of time on the computer when he gets home, so it's like he's still not home. I to have a 20 month old very active, rambunctious boy and also I to have too prepare dinners, almost every night and it can quite overwhelming. Lately since we got back from an international trip our toddler has been going to sleep really late and it takes a long time to get him to sleep, so that has been quite challenging. Motherhood is work along with worry but it is a magical,beautiful and amazing journey that I would not trade for the world. I recommend maybe going for dinner or a drink with a girlfriend maybe one night out of the week to ease any stress. Good Luck ! B.

Hi K.. My husband's not a pilot but he travels on business or works late about four days per week. With four small children, it's a struggle. Between homework, activities and food, it can be extremely difficult. Most nights, I try for quick meals (fish sticks, chicken nuggets, scrambled eggs with fruit). Luckily, my girls are helpful--I mostly have to deal with getting the youngest three ready for bed. Some days, I feel like you -- I did a great job -- other nights, I'm yelling at them like a crazy woman. Until recently, I did it all on my own. This week I hired someone for 10 hours/week to help me out two afternoons so I could get a break, spend quality time individually with the girls and help with laundry. I look at it this way - I try to do my best. My best might not be other people's best -- but it's mine!

Hi K.! I am a mother of three, two girls ages 3 & 9, and a 5 year old boy. My husband works out of state every week; he flies out on Monday morning and comes home either Thursday night or Friday afternoon. He also travels internationally quite a bit, sometimes for a couple of weeks at a time. I can relate! It gets really crazy sometimes, and my friends are very used to me calling to vent my frustrations! I must admit that those venting sessions are often my sanity! But, aside from that, we work on as much of a schedule as possible. It's not perfect by any means - we eat fast food more than we should, the kids don't always get a bath at night, in fact our schedule has them getting a bath every other night, sometimes bedtime is an hour late, and the amount of time I have to actually really talk or play with the kids is sometimes pretty minimal. But we survive, and everyone is doing well. I've been doing this, or a form of this, for five years, and the most important thing that I have learned is that being a super-mom isn't as important as being a "there" mom. I don't worry as much about having a super-clean house, or about the kids looking perfectly put together. I realized that they need three things: food, interaction, and sleep. Everything else is second and gets caught up on when hubby gets home. It helps if I don't overload myself by trying to be perfect, because...honestly, when it's just you and the little ones, perfection doesn't exist. Especially when the family is used to dad being around - it messes with the schedule and the flow of the family! Don't be afraid of asking for a break from whoever you trust with your kids - go to a movie, or a walk, or just grocery shopping alone. It's hard when they are so young and always there and it can suck the sanity right out of you! That is normal, and it doesn't make you less of of an awesome mom to take the time that you need for yourself...in fact, it arms you to better handle the stress.

I just went through, and am still struggling with, a traumatic event that happened to my son at school - which caused all of my kids to have to change schools, for me to find counseling for my son, to file CPS and police reports, to contact lawyers, and to deal with the old school - all while trying to keep the kids as de-stressed as possible. Now - my two girls are sick with high fevers, my son is on his own at school for the first time, I still have paperwork and research to do, and I'm exhausted! .... OK - that's my vent. Blahhh...it's hard!

So - you are not by any means alone! And if you need a venting session or just some support, let me know. You can probably also find a lot of support in the military community. Hope this helps a little - sorry it's so long winded!

Hi K.,

I am a pilots wife and know exactly how you feel !!!!!
Yes i do complain and vent at times and on my husbands last deployment thought that i might loose it at times with my little girl who at the time was 16 months . It is really hard . I get a little envious that the girls i work with have all the help they need form their mums etc... It really feels like you are doing it all on your own
I am very impressed that you as you made the decision to have another baby ! I am going to do that this year( my daughter is now 3 ) but for the longest time i just thought that i wouldn't beable to handle it ! Our husbands are different also because they don't walk through the door every night at 1730 to help us and sometimes i feel guilty asking my husband to do things because they work so hard .
It is difficult for anyone to understand , i know my friends don't .
Here is my e-mail address K. .. ____@____.com
Feel free to write if you would like and maybe i could help more .

Take care , you should be very proud of yourself !!
J. Dunn

Hi K., I am not a pilots wife, but a wife to a husband who owns and operates three businesses and a restaurant, of which both companies are out of town and traveling is involved. We have help because we need it and a mom needs her sanity. heehee So my advice is to get some help so you can have some YOU time. It's always great to get a recharge once in a while.

Good luck!

T.

I am not a pilots wife, but my husband is in the Navy and was on deployment while i had our first child. The first time he saw her was when she was 4 months old. It was really hard because i had a c-section and no one there at night to help me. I did have family around who helped or babysat when i really needed a break but for the most part i was on my own. Then when he finally did get back we moved away from family and he was still going out every week and would only be back every other week or just for a few days before he left again. I would get really sad and it was really hard. I felt like you, sometimes like i could do it all and was so strong but other days i just wanted to cry and stop being so strong. I wanted someone to be strong for me. I think its fine if you complain and feel bad about it. It is the way you are feeling and you have to get it out somehow. I think it makes me feel better to talk about it and know that other people are going through the same thing. What i would suggest is to find a moms group possibly a pilot wives club. (i'm sure they have something like that) so you can talk to other people about it and not lose your mind being so alone while your husband is gone. It is a hard job no one can deny that. Good luck and stay strong.
~B.

I feel your pain. My husband works in the film business and will often work 16 hour days for months at a time without a single day off. So not only do I have to take care of all the child and house related responsibilities by myself (we can't afford any outside help), but I also have to do his laundry, pick up after him, etc. It's so much easier on me when he is out of town!

Your kids are so young still. This has got to be one of the hardest times. My two girls are the same age spread as your little ones, and I remember how tough it was to juggle everything. The one thing that helped me cope was to keep the kids on a strict schedule. My schedule had the kids in bed by 7:30. This gave me about 3 hours of much needed downtime that I could look forward to every day. That's how I got through the mania that is an afternoon with two kids. (play time, dinner, baths, etc.) A 30 minute video worked wonders to get my kids off my back long enough to make dinner. Or put on a Baby Einstein for your infant and see if your 3 year old wants to "help" you make dinner. It will make him feel like a big boy. Just try to hang in there. It will get much easier as they get older. My girls are 6 and 3 now and it's a breeze! They either play together or help me prepare dinner. The other day I stood back and marveled that my 6 year was mixing up the meatloaf and my 3 year old was layering ingredients for scalloped potatoes! We had an awesome dinner and I hardly had to do any work!

Sorry this answer was so long-winded. I just saw myself so much in your question!

Good luck!

Yes K., I can relate. Whether your husband flies for the airlines or the military (mine does both), life with a pilot is very trying, demanding, and basically earns their wives daily adaptation awards!!! We constantly adapt to their schedules and needs, not to mention those of our children and hello, ourselves!!!

How do I cope? I begin my day with a scripture (I read Oswald Chambers modern language version 'My Upmost for His Highest'), renewing my spirit, which is what underlines my attitude day and night. If I don't fuel my spirit, my heart and head will tumble MUCH quicker than had I taken the time to put a "right" thought into my soul that I can cling to when the day gets trying. I meet and talk with friends, whether they are pilot's wives or just have husbands who travel, it's nice knowing there are others in a similar ship. And finally, I count my blessings as they occur, a smile from my baby boy that brings tears to my eyes, a laugh or giggle we share, our beautiful home and neighborhood, all we have in our free nation as women opportunity-wise. There is always something to be thankful for even when we're stuck inside the house after 7 straight days of rain!!!!

When my mind begins to slip and my family and friends are just not there to lift me up I go again, to the One who will never fail me: my Lord and Savior, the Alpha and the Omega, the Almighty Creator, for support through prayer, scriptural books and my sisters in Christ who are always available day or night to support me in prayer. If you've never committed to a women's bible study or prayer group, I highly recommend it. I've been married 12 years and 2 years into my marriage I totally discovered the power of praying women. I learned early on that without them and spiritual growth, I would fail in my marriage. But my husband was active duty navy flying F-18s on an aircraft carrier, so for 7 or 8 years before he switched over to the airlines, he was gone 1/2 or 3/4 of each year. Very tough. Now a few days here and there just seem so easy in comparison.

I hope I've helped you. I feel for you. I know your struggles. Fuel your spirit, grow in your relationship with God and with other women also focused on His ways, and you'll be surprised how strong you become!

K. S.

I am a Marine wife and you shouldn't feel guilty. It is hard to be a mom even when you have a husband around all the time. But it is really hard when you are left to do it alone when you are use to having help. I have found I have to make myself a schedule to go by. I have a 5 year old, 4 year old, and a 6 month old. It is very hard to juggle it all without help, but it helps alot to have a schedule and know what you need to do when. Even if you don't stick to it all the time at least you have something to go by to keep you on track.

My husbands not a pilot but a Film Producer. Some days he up before us and home after we are in bed. He also travels. I have two neighbors who's husbands are never home too so we get together in the evenings for dinner and let the kids play until 6:30ish. Then is it bath and bed. It works out to well and makes life easier knowing that we have each other.

Good Luck!

Hi K.. Your message made me feel better because my husband is also a pilot and travels over half the time (8 days on, 6 days off). I have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a 5 month old...eeeek! Some nights I feel as though I would like to just run away until they're fed and in bed. We have virtually no help because our family is not close by, and we're in a relatively new area where I don't feel close enough to ask anyone for help on any kind of regular basis. His salary doesn't allow for us to have hired help (not even close!), so all the responsibility falls on me when he's away. I do occasionally indulge in some self-pity or throw a tantrum of my own. But them I apologize to the kids and let them know that mama's job is hard, and it's not their fault.

A few things I do to stay sane:
I've started using a crock pot to make dinner, so that I'm actually making it in the morning when we all have a little more energy and things are calmer. The kids don't like all of the crock pot recipes that much...but too bad! I tell them to eat it, or they can't have cookies (that usually gets them to eat some).
Also, when my husband is home, he takes the older two (the boys) to go do "boy" things, like go watch airplanes at one of the nearby airports, etc., which gives me a break b/c I only have my baby girl for a few hours.
I used to bathe them every night, but now I do every other night (unless they've gotten really dirty) to give myself a little bit of a break.
I also pretty much leave all the bill-paying to my husband these days, because he can do it online while he's away (and incidentally has plenty of peace and quiet and even has whole days off while he's away).

When he's home, my husband also does most of the cooking, lots of cleaning, etc. to give me a rest. I hope yours does too. If not, you should arrange it that way. Sure, he is working while he's gone, but when he has a short day or even a day off while out of town(if his company is like my husband's), he gets a mini vacation...you probably don't!

Hope some of that helps.

Best,
M. L.

Invite a friend over. Don't be afraid of women without children. I was an aunt for 16 years before having my own son 4 months ago. I loved helping out and often would bring dinner too. When I was single and childless I noticed a "mom's club" attitude from some of the mom's at my nieces and nephews activities. I think they missed a great resource.