Anyone Ever Go Through a Separation and Have Things End Well????

Hi A., I'm so very sorry to hear what you are going through. I haven't personally been in your shoes but I recently watched a very close family member go through a similiar situation and sadly, they did end up divorcing but I do think it was for the best in retrospect..but as a child I watched my parents go through something similiar situation as yours, and it did end well, and they are still together. It may just be the day to day stresses of parenting and work that your husband is just feeling overtaxed, under appreciated, frustrated. Which in all fairness, he should realize that you are most likely feeling as well. He may be going through a period of selfishness and if you really do love him, you are going to have to be understanding. And I do think that as parents we tend to forget about the relationship between husband and wife that got us to this point in the first place. We all do it. Hopefully through counseling your husband can sort out his feelings and the two of you can find each other again. My parents seperated when I was a teenager and they found each other again through dating *each other* again while seperated... and are still happily married. I think the seperation in fact was a positive thing for them because they are now *friends* again. Hard for us kids at the time, but definately was the right thing for them to do. Sometimes you just forget to *talk* to each other like you did when you first were married...now it's all about the kids, the homework, etc...what your husband is feeling is very typical I believe.

My daughters are about the same age as your little ones so I really hope things work out for your family. But if in any event your husband still chooses to walk away - know you did the best you could to hold your family together and be at peace with it. I truly feel it's better for the children then to live with two parents who are constantly fighting and only staying together for their sake. A child is smart enough to know when something is wrong and will feel quilty if they think you are unhappy and they'll think it's all there fault. Even though, we know it isn't, that is how children think.

Good luck to you and many hugs.

M.

Dear A.,
You've already received some very good, practical advice here. I haven't been in your situation exactly. However, after 8 1/2 years of marriage, a step-son who was 10 when we got married, & two kids of our own ~ we have had some time of "intense fellowship" (read not getting along & sometimes not even communicating for a time). Each & every time, we renewed our committment to each other. We made vows before God, our family, & friends, & neither of us take that lightly. A committment is just that. While you can't determine when your husband will do, it might help you to remember that committment (what you said AND why you said it). You didn't mention church or a particular religious persuasion. That being said, the Bible teaches that Christ knows ALL of our suffering. God knows what you are going through, and while it may not make sense now (and might not ever), the Lord has a plan for you & your kids. If you do attend church regularly, ask the prayer warriors that you know (in church or other places) to begin praying specifically for you & your husband, that the Lord would work in both of your hearts to soften them, and that he would reunite your family for His glory! I'll be praying for you. May God bless your efforts, regardless of what your husband decides! :) I am praying for you today!

I just wanted to say I wish you the best of luck! I can't really offer great advice, but I am sitting here tearing up after reading your request. We only have one child and she is very young, but I can see how easy it is to worry so much about a child's needs and other responsibilities in life and forget about the needs of a marriage/relationship. I hope everything will work out for you.

all i can say is thers 2 different meaning of love ,,, love,, u can love everybody,,,,, but in love means ,,,u cant never hurt someone u really love,esp,if ur in Love with him or her,,,,,,,

Hi: mmmm , this is a sticky situation, I'll say. I can relate to the madness that you are going through, since I am in it myself but--not to the point that either of us moved out. Jobs are difficult and cause strain in any relationship as well as finances, and children no less. But, in your "request" post, I noticed that "you are home all week with your babies and work weekends as an x-ray tech". Any chance you can work days or are your children being home-schooled? Do they have to be-if so, was that decision made on your own or both of you? Just asking.
Guys can act like little boys most times and then there are times where they are truly speaking and while it's hard to decifer one from another- it's important to know whether you are "listening".
What I do, when things are starting to brew....like when my children go through thier trysts, I deal with his. But, I go through the routine....Gosh, I am so grateful that you are able to put up with that, I could never do it. *(although, between you and me, I know I could do it.-it's about building thier self worth) or "you're such a great dad". These may be not much or a lot, but it's something. I don't do it very often but I do it enough. Do I know how long my relationship will last-absolutely NOT! No one ever does. Can things end over night-OF COURSE! Anything is possible. And nothing ever ends smoothly, there are repercussions to everything in life and I am sorry I sound so harsh here, but, I'd rather be honest instead of painting a pretty picture. Relationships are all give and take and some days you may have to give more than take. BUT---More importantly, you need to be aware of the example you are setting for your children in your actions. They are watching even when you think they aren't. AND one day one of them will be in your shoes. * I tell myself this every waking moment the same thing. Just go with your gut and have faith in whatever outcome may be.

Best wishes.
M. -mom of 4

Maybe you need some counseling by yourself. Sounds like some kind of depression and maybe need to take something to smooth it out. Don't wait you do need to take care of yourself first before you can be a good mom or even work on the marriage.

Also remember does take 2 to make a marriage work.

Is he spending time with the kids? child support, etc.

How are the kids?

Might want to consider Divorce Care, there are some for kids as well, helps them realize not their fault, etc
Don't need to be divorce to go even if you thinking or if 1 is thinking of divorce.

I went thru this about 6 years back my kids were then 5, 14 and the rest were a bit older 18,19 and 20. We both felt that we had drifted and we felt it was better for the kids because we fought most of the time. The 18 and 19 year olds were cousins that we raised since 6 and 7 so besides the 5 kids we fought about finances to. He decided to move out I was numb at first and actually the kids took it great they hated us fighting the one who took it the hardest was my 19 year old who had been deployed to Egypt. The ending result is we are divorced and yet we are best friends. My kids are fine they are stable and secure. When there is a problem they know we are both there at all times to support them and that is most important to all of them. The important thing is to keep yourself composed in front of the kids let them feel a sense of security. Hopefully you can be friends and do what we did which was spent holidays together, family day trips and all important functions. Now today oddly enough we live together but still just as best friends seperate rooms purely platonic and my kids think its pretty neat. In fact, 2 of my kids wrote essays about it for college and both got A's.lol....It can get better but you have to open up the communication lines and give each other some space. Not every story works out and yes this is an odd one but you will only know if you give it time, take it slow and don't involve the kids.....

My husband & I have only been married for a few years but after watching my parents divorce when I was young, I learned what not to do in a marriage. My husband works 7 days a week, swing shift so it's sometimes hard to get alone time. You HAVE to make time for one another. We have the rule that our marriage comes before our kids. It may sound rude but if you don't put your spouce first, there will not be a whole family in the end. My husband & I have our date nights once a month & it's very important to us. We never cancel on eachother, take turns picking the resturants & what to do. It sound like your husband has some issues to deal with that may have nothing to do w/you. A real man would try to do everything in his power to work things out, especially when there's kids involved. I would try another counsler or find out the root of his unhappiness. Find out why he doesn't want to work on the issues & try to compromise on a solution to the problems. Good luck.

I'm not sure if you're happy with your therapist right now but I've had counseling at The Peacemaker Center (www.thepeacemakercenter.org) and they were phenomenal. I started seeing a therapist for an eating disorder and it also encompassed a lot of marital counseling as well. My husband and I were at our wits end and we had one child at the time. They have a number of therapists who specialize in marital counseling and they have an office in Downingtown and I think there is a new one in West Chester. Financial assistance is also available if you need it. The therapist I personally saw was Karen U. and if you watch the video on the website I'm the one in the pink (pregnant at the time with my second :) with the caption "Eating Disorder" under me. Karen does a lot of marital counseling as do many of there other therapists. I have no financial investment in them...I just simply feel they led me in the right direction and gave me tons of wisdom and support so that I was able to get through a lot of messy stuff. I highly, highly recommend them to anyone who needs any kind of counseling. (If you do contact them please feel free to tell them you heard about them from me!) Even if your there is nothing that you can do to change your husband's heart to save your marriage, they will be there to get your through whatever comes (but I hope that is not the case). Wishing you well with whatever you decide to do and I sincerely hope things work out. Feel free to contact me if you'd like!

Hi A.,

I am sorry you are going through this. My husband and I went through something similar before we had our daughter. I was looking for a job after completing all my school and training and he did not want to move and leave his job behind. It was a very difficult time. He moved out and lived on his own for about a year before we worked through everything and he moved back in with me. We had to make a commitment to each other and to our relationship in order for it to work. We still have difficult days, but we try to work on our relationship and our ability to communicate with each other. The last year with the birth of our daughter has been challenging and finding time together alone has been hard, but we are doing what we can and remaining committed to our life together. I would say that you are doing all the right things going to therapy and talking about what went wrong. It might also help to just have date nights together so that you can remember what it was like before and what attracted you to each other in the first place. Whatever happens please remember that kids are very resilient and kids tend to do well when both of their parents are also doing well whether together or separately, so take care of yourself. Good luck!

separation is an indication that counseling is needed,is always hard for all the family,you need to get help as soon as possible,try your family pastor.
good look and I well pray for you.

A.,
What do YOU want? Do you want to get back together? If so, than tell AND show him that. That means putting yourself completely out for rejection and making it all about him. Let him know you've thought about it and will look for work during the week. You want date night every week. That's right, once a week you have a night that is yours where you simply go for a walk for an hour, bowl, take a dancing class, play darts, miniature golf etc. Notice I didn't mention movies where you sit together but don't talk. Don't make it expensive just regular. We have a night where the TV is off, nothing gets done around the house and we talk after the kids go to bed.

If he felt "neglected, unloved, unappreciated" you need to decide if you can go out of your way to make him no longer feel that way. Forget reality if he feels that way than it's his reality. Can you help him with that? Don't forget, what do you want going forward? You deserve happiness also.

I once read if you'd stand in front of a bus for your kids why not work that hard on your marriage. I agree w/ the mom who said the marriage/husband needs to come first FOR the sake of the kids.(I'm assuming he's worth it - only you know that.)

This response will probably sound bad, but here goes. Now that your children are older and in school (I only assume since you didn't mention home schooling) why not change your work schedule so that you can be home on the weekends too? If you've been at opporsite shifts...why not try to make that connection so you can do "family things" on the weekend?

I haven't been in this situation, but reading it in back-n-white that seems to me to be the most logical step other than therapy.

Good luck and God bless. I wish hope it turns out as you desire.

Well i am seperated right now but unfortunately we are still living together for financial reasons. We are civil to one another. We also lost communications and just drifted apart. I asked to go to counseling he said no, so i told him i wanted a divorce! If both parties are not willing to exhaust all efforts than that's it, it's over! Although you said you's are going to counseling, so at least you's are trying.

Bottom line is some relationships just lose their fire! Some people just grow apart, thats is what happened to me and my ex. We just over the years became different people that no longer clicked! I love him dearly but am not in love with him anymore. And it is better to end the relationship on good terms rather than alot of turmoil! We also have 2 children 7 and 9 motnhs and i have a 14 yr old from previous relationship. well good luck and i hope you's can either work it out or end it on a good note.

Things can end well, but that depends not so much on whether or not your hold your marriage together, but on how determined you are to get healthy no matter what happens. And with kids to raise, you have to commit to being/becoming a healthy person in order to raise them to be healthy adults, no matter what happens.

Go to therapy. Learn to listen to your spouse. Find out what is going on inside him. He obviously isn't feeling heard. On the other hand, one's spouse can't make them happy. We make ourselves happy or unhappy, and we bring whatever we are to the relationship. When someone admits that the marriage isn't working for them, it's time to simply be honest and work at building bridges. Work on building healthy communication with each other whether the relationship stays a married one or whether you end up splitting up. You will need to be able to communicate over the kids.

Communicate with your kids. They are hurt, and they know you are hurting. Let them know hurting is okay. Life is tough. It is okay to cry, and when you cry together, it is good to hug. Watch the kids for acting out, and stuff that shows they are hurting. Be sure to address the underlying hurts as best you can. It's hard when you are weak, but they are weaker and more powerless. Be sure to always let them know that you guys will get through this. Even if you are feeling lost and alone and totally uncapable, don't tell them all that. Tell them that you guys will get through this. It is hard and it is painful, but you guys will get through this. Don't make promises you can't keep. Don't lie to them. But do tell them you guys will get through. You will.

I can't give you a bandaid and tell you your marriage will work out and be better than it was before, but I hear at least one good thing. You didn't say there's another woman in the scene. The good thing is that he's being honest enough to say, "it's not working and I'm unhappy and don't know how to fix it." Alot of people don't say that. They simply bury themselves in another person to hide from that reality. Often when we throw in the towel, we are at the point when we have no reserve of strength left to work on the problem. That's why going to therapy will help. The therapist will hopefully find the good stuff, and help you guys take steps that don't take too much energy to work on, and the time apart gives you both time to cry, but especially to think. What is important to you about your marriage? What is important to you in a spouse? What drew you to him in the first place? How do you love him? How do you show your love? How do you receive love? Is what is good between you enough to stretch over and help you to conquer the part that is broken?

This is painful. There is no doubt. And whether it works or not has very little to do with any of us who will write in and say "we got back together" or "we didn't". What matters most is how much you love him, how much he loves you, and whether you are able to face the crisis, discuss your lives, allow each other the freedom and ability to grow, and whether, by reaching into yourselves, you find you still want and need the other in your life.

Honestly, my first marriage didn't work out. It was fine until we had babies, the first being a surprise. He wanted to "have fun" and play, and I was stuck raising two kids. In the meantime, he found other girls who didn't have any responsibilities, but that's not why I left him. I left him because I realized that we'd been down the road where he wasn't committed to the marriage once before, we'd worked itout, and it was happening again. And I knew my whole life would be that way, without security and without confidence in our relationship. I refused to have my children grow up believe that travesty of a marriage was all they could hope for in life. I have now been married for almost 20 years to my best friend. We met 1 year after I separated and divorced my spouse, we were friends, we dated, we split up, we became friends again, and dated again, and were married about 5 1/2 years after my divorce was final. At this point, there are some really dry periods, as well as some wonderful ones. I am right now going through a whole bunch of emotional stuff, and I feel horrible because he stands beside me wanting to fix it but he can't. I spend a lot of time crying. But no matter how hard it gets, we are committed to each other, and we are able to set aside the hassles and function as a united front for our children and anyone outside our 4 walls. I feel really badly making him feel so helpless, but he can't fix me. I have to find the fix. I am simultaneously railing against my own helplessness. I let a very successful career when we moved here 10 years ago, and now that we need that extra income again, I have been unable to even get an interview let alone a job. So I am hitting my head against a wall, because I have all the ability to change things, and still I can't seem to do so.

so what's going to happen with us ? We're "going to the mattresses". Financially, we're hunkering down and logging everything we spend, so we know if we can save any more than we already are. We'll get through this, but I am feeling hopeless right now. It hurts, but I know it's temporary -- even though I can't see the end of it right now.

and that's what I want you to be sure you hear. THIS IS TEMPORARY. Yes, it hurts like hell. Yes, you cry every day. Yes, there are also some good things happening. Your kids go to school each day and are learning things, making friends, being friends to those who need them. You have a job and if you need to might be able to add hours/ adjust hours should you end up splitting permanently. You have a separated spouse, but he is willing to go to therapy with you. That's REALLY BIG. Lots of guys won't go, because they don't want to think they might need help. And honestly, it's kind of good to be separated while you work on some of the stuff that's caused the current situation. You each have rooms where you can go and hide and cry. When you are married, you don't have that private space because you share a bedroom. There's nowhere to hide. You have time to collect yourself, time to think about your marriage and yourself. You have the power to make this an incredibly creative time in your life - regardless of the outcome.

Just keep plugging along -- one day at a time. one baby step at a time. Crawl when you can't walk. Cry and punch the pillows. Take walks. Do something good for yourself. Hug your children. Tell them you love them. Remind Dad, if you need to, to tell them he loves them, too. One day, one baby step, at at time. Each one brings you closer and closer to feeling healthy again -- whether the relationship remains a married one, or whether the relationship changes to being more remote. The goal is for each one of you to become more healthy than you are now. And then, from a position of better health, does the relationship continue to work as a couple?

That's the future. Right now you need to survive the pain, and you need to learn to communicate and listen to each other, which therapy will help. You need to support each other. Remember the old line, "If you love someone, let them go? If he comes back, he's yours. If he doesn't, he never was?" Well, I wouldn't simply "let him go", but I would give him the freedom and support him having that freedom, so he can discover himself again, and discover for sure whether he is capable of being the person you need him to be. Marriage is always "all about you". It's never all about me, or it won't work.

Most of all, commit yourself to God. Commit your kids to God. Commit your husband and your marriage to God. He is the only one who knows the future, and he loves all of you. Just cry out to him in your hurt and frustration, and know he is listening. Even when your mad or hurt or lost. He's okay with you the way you are, because he made you, you are HIS child, and he loves you.

Hang in. I'm rooting for you.

Just a thought.....could there be another woman involved in this situation?

If so, I would definitely pull back and let him go. You can't make someone love you, especially when they are "preoccupied".

Hold your head high and be the bigger person for the sake of your children.

I wish you luck.

A.,

I am really sorry for what you are going through. I know this is a difficult time, although I have not been through exactly what you are going through (I was the one who left for the kids' sake). And that brings me to my point--you need to focus on YOUR KIDS; do what is right for them. If your husband is sure that he is not into the marriage anymore, you need to let it go and focus on getting your kids through this. Why do you want to raise your kids in an unhappy home? I would much rather raise my kids in a happy, single-parent home (as I am right now) than to have them grow up seeing the unhappiness, bitterness and/or fighting. THAT would scar them a lot more.

Be strong and good luck to you!

I have the perfect answer for your problem. About 5 years ago, my husband and I separated. I truly believed we were getting a divorce. I was holding on to straws. We were in couples therapy and kept hitting one road block after another. I had even gone to my priest, and he referred my to a program called Retrouvaille. This program totally saved my marriage. It opened all the doors we had totally closed off and gave us a whole new life together. You can go to www.helpourmarriage.com and it will give you information on the program and who to contact in your area for a weekend session. This is more intense than "Marriage encounter" and I would also suggest couples therapy in conjunction with this. I am a very strong believer and with the problems my husband and I had, this was our life saver. I now have an actual marriage and love my husband even more today.

I am still working on this so I dont know yet if I have the ending you are looking for. Mine walked out on us as well, 2yr, 4yr, 6yr old together and an 18yr old from previous marriage. Like you I cried and cried, but finally I realized that as much as I wanted this marriage to work, my kids needed a mom who was trying to make the family work and being disfunctional was not helping the situation. What I dont understand is that, while it is very important to balance everything and keep the spouse happy, a family is just that...a FAMILY meaning you BOTH work together for eachother. kids, etc. Gain strength from your self and know that you are a great person who deserves better. As for us, we are still talking and talking is important. Good luck!

My husband and i seperated for 2 months about 10 years ago. Sadly his family and i hated each other. They convinced him to leave rather then work on the relationship. To make a long story short...i knew that he still cared. I would call him and ask him to meet me. We started all over again...like dating. Now his family and i are civil and our marriage has never been better. I think if you are both still in love and willing to try there is hope. My best advice would be not to let him just disappear. Men get too comfortable and enjoy no responsibilies. I would make him miss you! Don't forget to initiate a date or two so the both of you realize what brought you together in the first place! Best wishes...i know this is not fun.

Something you might want to try. Make a date night every week turn off the phones and leave the kids at home. Find some one you can exchange babysitting with if this is an issue. Remember the way you acted when the two of you first met. Remember the cute little things you use to do. Make him silly notes and place them some where he can find them throughout the day. Hang some signs up in his neighborhood were he lives try to use sayings or things that were said that only the two of you will know what they mean. Most importantly don't forget the bedroom or were ever. Sometimes we get so busy being the mom we do forget our significant other or spouse. Treat him with the specail care you treat your childern and who knows it just might work. All he really wants is your attention so give it to him. Once you start to be in service to him, sort of speak, he will return the favor. good luck

Hi A.,

See about doing conferencing with your husband.

Laura Rush at ###-###-####

She is the Coordinator of the Conferencing Program with the International Institute of Restorative Practices (IIRP) in Bethlehem, PA.

Hope this helps. D.

I have been were u are. Things for me has not worked out. My husband when he knew about us having a child he told me I had to make a decision. He told me that it was him or the baby. I was not happy. I of course choose my son. I felt that if he loved me and cared about me he would not have me make that decision. He did. He lost me and his son. It was a hard to let him go and forget about him but I had my friends with me the whole time. He never was there to see his son be born and has never seen him. I miss him a lot but I know this is the best thing for me and my son.

Hi A.,
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I'm sorry that you are getting advice that seems to imply that you are at fault. Look, we all find ourselves in the crazy day-to-day world of marriage that includes taking care of kids and trying to earn money because those kids tend to get used to things like food, shelter and heat! I mean seriously, is your husband living in some sort of fantasy land? Yes--it's TOUGH being a parent, husband, and bread winner. Yes--we ALL feel unappreciated sometimes. What did he expect? Unless a money tree sprouts in your back yard, life is going to be busy and at times, hectic. Yes..we all wish we had, and we should try to make, special time to pay attention to our spouses. We all deserve that. You sound like you are doing the best you can with your work schedule to eliminate day care costs, etc and I respect that. I think he needs to man-up and accept responsibility for the lives he has created. Too many men just bolt for the door when the chips are down; when the lovey-kissy face gives way to book reports and new shoes for school.
I know you asked for advice from women who have been through this, and I haven't, but I think if a man could toy with (and even test out!) the idea of walking out on his wife and kids then there is either A. Someone else influencing him or B. Not to be trusted in the future anyway.
Personally, I would keep going to counseling yourself and let him go and figure out whether he can grow up at this time or not. He may be back. he may not. You can't control this answer but you can be strong for your kids and build a good life with, or without him! Good luck to you and your girls.

This breaks my heart too. Men tend to be led by their emotions, the only problem is emotions are terribly unreliable because they change all the time. If he feels unloved you might want to take it upon yourself to change that. If he knew you wanted him back and wanted to work on things it might make all the difference to him. With him being away it's hard for him to focus on your relationship right now and he'll drift further and further. Stay in therapy. Each of you have some individual sessions too if you think that'll be helpful.