Are You a Worrier or Know Someone Who Is?

What you're describing sounds like more than "being worrisome"!
Do you have a written planned budget so that maybe he won't hyper-focus on the bills?

My MIL is a worrier. She will sit at her kitchen table and worry herself into tears and anxiety.

I'm not a worrier, generally. IME, it's never the stuff you worry about that ever happens. It's the out-of-left-field-blind-side-you stuff that happens.

O. of my dear friends was recently diagnosed with leukemia and I'll be you a million dollars she never spent O. second of her 51 years worrying about that.

He sounds like he has an anxiety disorder like Generalized Anxiety Disorder. A small dose of meds will help him push those thoughts out of his head instead of driving him and you crazy. It's not fun to have those invasive thoughts, and he cannot help it.

If he had diabetes he would take insulin to help his body, why should he not take meds to help his body with this?

I have GAD and I take a small dose of Celexa and it helps immensely. It does not change my personality. I still worry I can just push most of the thoughts out of my head instead of going over it and over it and over it till I am insane with worry.

I am one of these people. Be supportive and kind and use the phrase "it's all going to be ok" a lot. I ask my husband to say that to me all the time and it works a lot better than "don't worry, be happy." I hate it when people tell me not to worry or not to stress. Shut up. It's uncontrollable. Really, it is. Do you think I'd be this way on purpose? I mean, trust me if I knew what to do about it, I would. Maybe I do need help after reading your other responses... I certainly don't want to worry myself to death. But the fact is I just really can't help it and I really don't want to be medicated. This is who I am. I am glad I have a husband who understands and accepts me this way.

EDITED: BTW, I am not telling YOU to shut up. I'm just saying that's what goes through my head when people tell me not to worry. :-)

EDITED AGAIN: Gosh darn it, now I'm all worried that other people find me "exhausting" and annoying. Ugh. One more thing to keep up at night. :-/ Sigh.

I come from a LONG line of worriers!! I do tend to but I think of what my dear mom used to tell me before she passed...the only thing you can't fix/overcome is death. Its true. We are all faced with hardship and you can choose to deal head on and get it over with or you can sit and make yourself sick and everyone around you miserable with worry. I have always been terrified of the weather here in Texas. My mom would tell me, why are you so worried about something you have no control over? But I guess that's why it bothers me? Im a control freak and there's nothing I can do about it! A true worrier like that doesn't change imo. My grandmother is just like your husband and I can't handle it. She van literally think up things to worry about! Its ridiculous! I don't see her as much as I should and that's exactly why. When I leave her house I feel so bummed its like my favorite dog ran away! She has always been that way as well as just about everyone else on that side of my family! I don't have a solution since you have to live with it everyday, bless your heart! I get to chose when I want to endure it! I know how you feel though. Its hard to deal with and I would suggest some professional help. My gma has been that way forever but when my mom passed suddenly at 50 yrs old it got bad. Then 2 yrs and a day my great grandmother passed to my moms death date. In 09 my aunt passed after a 2 yr battle with brain cancer. A lot of very important people died in our family and it hurt us all but does that mean im going to sit and worry who's going next?? Not a chance! But my nanny, o yes! We finally got het on a anti depressant and it helped until she decided she didn't need it anymore and started driving us crazy again!! It may help your husband though? I would schedule a doc appt to see if he would benefit from it. Best of luck love!

I am NOT and nobody in my family is. My MIL is and it is very irritating to others...

Help your hubby do things to extrovert himself. Taking walks, getting fresh air, make sure he is getting enough sleep! That can be a factor.

Good luck, don't get yourself into a worrying state too. You are right not to be like that.

At one point, hubby and I were discussing what there was or was not in the afterlife. My husband had a great attitude (he worries even less than me). He said, "well it doesn't hurt to believe whatever you want, because after all, at the time when you find out, it'll be done. So there's no sense in not believing what you want the whole time you're alive". :-) Good point!

Yes, but not to the extent your husband is. I think it sounds like he might need counseling since it seems to be affecting your relationship. My grandmother is a worrier too so I always tell my family I come by it naturally. Sometimes I actually feel like the more I worry about something the less likely it is to happen. Not sure why.

I will tell you this -my mother passed away a few years ago due to a brain tumor. When she was diagnosed, both my father and I said "She worried herself into a brain tumor." My husband initially thought I was being flippant, but I wasn't. My father and I still feel like a lifetime of extreme worry and anxiety contributed to her death.

The reason I tell you that story is that she had gotten a bit of help over the years through therapy and anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications. She wasn't some crazy, house-bound person or anything, but even the most pleasurable things in life caused her immense worry and anxiety. Shortly before her diagnosis she told me that her first thought every morning was to worry about my two children! She loved them and me so much, but it was stressful to deal with her constant worry.

I suggest asking your husband to either seek counseling on his own or with you where you can discuss it. From what I can tell, most people who are EXTREME worriers -to the point that it disrupts relationships or their lives -have it rooted in something (usually a childhood) where they had no security or safety net. My mother grew up extremely poor with a mother who worried about EVERYTHING. While it didn't "cure" her -counseling and medication did help her. And yes, my mom was fun and enjoyed traveling and doing all sorts of things, but there was always the worry. I've come to realize since her death how crazy it drove my dad -I know it always drove me nuts too. See if he'll get some help -really -there are people who "worry" and then there are people like this -and it's a miserable way to live life or have to be with someone in life.

I have not read others answers yet but I am your husband and my husband is you. I wish I did not worry the way I do and I have gotten light years better than I was about 10 years ago. I used to worry myself sick over EVERYTHING... my worries are almost always health related, always convinced I have some debilitating disease and spending hours and days researching said disease etc. which by the way I am very healthy and always have been. Somehow after I had kids I got way, WAY better than I used to be and I didn't just transfer my worry onto stressing about them like I thought I might. There are still things that pop up that get me on the worry train and I get back into my old ways but for the most part I keep it under control, probably because I just don't have time to worry, really. There is a sentence in your post that strikes me, "It manifests as fretting, complaining and sometimes controlling behavior," this makes me realize how my husband probably feels when I go on and on about something and I really don't want to make him feel the way you say you are feeling. So I guess I don't have a whole bunch of advice for you but do want to say thank you because you have helped me to see that I am probably driving my husband crazy.

No help from me, I'm a chronic worrier & "glass half empty " , person. It drives my husband crazy.

I am an anxious person by nature . . . the good news is that my mother-in-law is WAY worse than me. Why is this good news? Because it illustrates to me how exhausting it is to the people around you.

I'm not kidding. She has literally taught me (by example) not to "vent" my worries constantly to other people. It's not fair to them, and it makes you not want to be around that person quite so much (and I love her alot).

Maybe you should try turning the tables on your husband, and then suggest counseling for both of you (with the aim of getting HIM in there).

Counseling helped me get to the root cause of some of my anxiety.

Prayer, diet, exercise and supplements help with the the rest, though I know I'll always have that nature to some extent.

Good luck.

Ditto what the other Melissa J said. People with chemical imbalances need to see doctors & correct the problem just like any other medical issue.

My sister is like that and she's also a hypochrondiac which is a bad combination. What I do with her when she brings something up, I will tell her once, it'll be all right, then I change the subject. If she goes on and on about it, I simply ignore it but there are times when I call her out on it. Now for me it's different because it's my sister and not my husband so it's easier for me to do this. And for the fact that she lives in another state. I would just try to reassure him that whatever it is, will be fine in one way or another. There's a book that's titled "Don't sweat the small stuff" that is good. It helped me because I tend to worry but I've come to the conclusion that whatever it is, will work out one way or another and I repeat to myself, "this too shall pass". What is meant to be will be, you know. If you spend all your time worrying, what are you missing out on? You can only change or fix what is in your control. No sense in worrying what you can't control. Just be as patient as you can be. Call him out on it if you have to. If you know what he is worrying about is trivial and not worth it, let it roll off your back and don't validate him by encouraging on it. Tough but it may work. Good luck!

My husband always tells me: "99% of the stuff you worry about is not going to happen anyway". Then when a specific worry doesn't happen he tells me: "see, you worried over this and everything worked out fine."
After doing this for a while I did realize that most of the stuff I worried about was not going to happen and that most of my worries were really just making my life miserable. Now when I worry about something I let myself imagine the "worst case scenario" and then I say to myself. Even if that happens, I know that somehow I would be able to deal with it.Then, I let the whole thing go and whatever happens, happens. My life has become so much better since I don't worry about stuff so much. Oh, and I also gave up watching the news (most of the time anyway) and some of the more paranoia inducing shows on TV. That helps a lot too.
I think your husband really has to address these issues. Does he recognize that he has a problem? If he can't do it on his own, I think he should get professional help - either therapy or drugs. Worries and anxiety really lower a person's quality of life tremendously.

Maybe he is living with depression and has been for a long time at a low enough level that it has not been an issue. It sounds like an issue now. It's having a negative impact on his marriage. He doesn't sound happy and you are dealing with the fallout. Find great individual and couples therapists and get to work...That would be my suggestion. You both deserve to work towards a more enjoyable relationship.
I am only so opinionated because my father is exactly like him and is depressed. I can be that way, too. I have experienced people being frustrated with me for things like this. Good luck!

To me this is an issue that can be dealt with spiritually rather than medically. Your husband needs a shift in his mental and spiritual thought process. If he were to become more aware through contemplation of what it is he is afraid of, he may realize that even then in his worst case scenario he will find a way through it. Talk with him about his fears and help him come to terms with not being in control. If you guys have faith in God, even a little bit, where you feel comfortable praying, it can help wonders. I used to have anxiety and not be able to sleep; I realized I am not in control that there is some higher force I can trust. I would visualize myself like a baby in the palm of his hand and that comforted me to fall asleep. I have also meditated with mantra which is a tool for training the mind to focus on one thought. It is the nature of the mind to be like a monkey, constantly jumping from one thing to the next; try an affirmation to repeat over and over in replace of negative thoughts. Catching oneself in the midst of it and consciously changing the thought around to a positive one is the first step to self-awareness. It may be easy to pop pills, but it's the spiritual work in life that we are actually here to do. It may seem silly or foolish at first but will lead you to a higher ground of emotional freedom. Having an outlet to direct the physical nervous energy is helpful, too, like walking the dog or boxing a bag. I also recommend you watch 2 movies together which teach the same thing, that our thoughts can create our reality. One is "What the Bleep do we Know" and the other is "The Secret" both discuss through various ways the quantum physics of our reality. While these are actually basic level awareness, the one thing that takes you beyond is a relationship with God. Good luck! Hare Krishna!

There is a difference between worry and anxiety. My mother is a professional worrier - so much so that I never have to worry about anything because she worries enough for everyone - lol. Your husband sounds like he may have a bit of an anxiety issue or possibly some form of OCD. Has he always been like this? Did he happen to have a childhood where his basic needs weren't met - as in - he had a parent who was an alcoholic, abusive or unavailable?

Concern over something that is within your control (as in a decision that has to be made over a situation) is normal. Worrying all the time about things that you can't control usually means there's an underlying issue. Try to gently help him to get to the bottom of it. Best of luck.

It sounds like he has an anxiety disorder. And it seems his anxieties are causing irrational behavior that is not normal (turning the thermostate down to 50 is NOT a normal response tho being concerned about the heating bill).

He probably needs a combination of medications to control the brain chemicals that may be off balance and behavioral therapies to understand what makes him anxious, why and how to mitigate those anxieties. We all have things in our lives that we cannot control. His reaction to these things is not healthy for him or for you.

Have him see either his primary care doc (you could place a phone call ahead of time to the doc explaining your concerns about him if your husband won't let you attend the appointment with him) or go directly to a psychiatrist (the best approach -- many primary care docs are surprisingly ignorant about mental health issues, and they won't be able to coach him on cognitive or behavioral therapies the way a psychiatrist will). Good luck!

It truly sounds like counseling is in order for him. He is making himself and those around him miserable. If he won't do counseling, try finding a really good self-help book for those that worry too much. It almost sounds obsessive. And if he won't go to counseling, you should, so that you can find ways to avoid getting sucked into it too.

I am a worrier, and my mother was/is a worrier (she has gotten better over the years through therapy; she also suffers from depression, which made the worrying worse). However, I focus on my breathing and do mediation (or tai or yoga, at various points) which all have helped me to be more balanced and less worried.