At My Breaking Point with My Two Year Old

AMEN! to Anne Marie's reply...

We ALL get frustrated sometimes, and C. was only looking for help from other mammas.

If we can't help each other out... don't reply.

Good luck to you C. - finding what works out for ya. Sorry for the late reply. I do agree with you on the "second child" issue. My second is a little monkey, and strong willed as well. I just got the 1-2-3 Magic video from the library to watch (suggested by my counselor). I was on the waiting list to get it, so I guess it's quite a popular video. I'll send you my thoughts on it after I watch it.

))HUGS((
~SR

Two year olds are struggling to learn independence. Give her a chance to explore and to try many things.

I often let mine choose what to wear (or choose between 2 items), and I let her play in the dish water while I am washing some pans.

Make a routine of it. Toddlers love it when they know what is coming next- quite often they will prepare for the next item on the list :)

Play with her and love her up- make a point to make a game out of getting dressed. Can she get her feet in her pants before you kiss them?

Hi C.! I just want to stand in your defense of the women who condemned you for not having one nice thing to say. You wrote asking for advice for a certain problem!!! I don't think you were sounding negative at all, just frustrated about something that is not easily fixed. There is nothing wrong with being frustrated.

Please, mama, Don't let these judgemental ladies negativity affect you. You could try rocking with her in the morning, before you go to the sitters and again at night before bed.

Mamasource ladies....have some grace and mercy and let the perfect parents throw the first stone!

C.-
We're having the same issues with our almost 2 year old. I was thinking it was because she was an only child and used to getting a lot of attention and her way simply because there was no one else to have an opinion, but it appears that not being an only child they act the same way! Somedays I feel like all I do is try to figure out what she wants. I'm not sure how good Chayse's language skills are, but my Lauren struggles to find the word for things sometimes. I have no great suggestions, but know that you are definitely not alone. It sounds like you have a great routine and get to spend a lot of time with her. We've tried moving up bedtime (my husband can get her down by 8:30 when I work nights, I can't get her to bed until about 9:15) but all that happens is a lot of screaming "Mommy, Mommy" and then she falls asleep about the same time anyway! The cry it out method worked better when they couldn't stand up and talk!
And one person that posted mentioned that you were full of resentment. You just want to enjoy time with your daughter. The other night I explained to friends that I worried Lauren was becoming a spoiled, little brat. I don't want my child to be that way and I struggle with it a lot. Every child is different, they all act different ways at different ages. I don't think you're resentful, I think you're a concerned mommy who doesn't want your child to struggle. (I think I took a little offense to that person's post, hence my extreme explanation here! LOL)
Talk a deep breath, stand your ground, and love your little girl! That's how we get through a lot of days at our house!
Good luck!
J. M.
PS Hate that you're going through this, but nice to hear there is someone else with the same struggles!

Along with the sleep issue (or if it doesn't completely resolve the situation), look carefully at any other chronic discomforts that she may have. I would take her to the chiropractor, make sure there are not food allergies, etc... and make sure she is getting plenty of mama attention (which you already mentioned.) But you may think of other things, too, as you study her closely. For my 2-yr-old it was a cranial adjustment that changed all of our worlds. She was a chronic whiner and screamer. The dr. who did the adjustment explained how she could be in constant discomfort from needing her cranium adjusted, as all of the nerves in the body are affected by its alignment, since they all exit from the brain to the parts of the body. It seemed to give her the "edge" she needed to begin dealing with life. She still whines more than the others did and is more clingy than they were, I think. But she is a delight much of the time and we are much more able to handle her difficult times.

is he taking a nap??
kids that age that dont get a nap act exactly this way.

if he is getting a nap, perhaps he is still not getting a long enough nap, or not enough sleep at night? maybe try to get to bed between 7 and 8 instead.

good luck
sleep is so hard!

This too shall pass, however, I feel when I explain things clearly to my little girl she starts getting it. She is 3 now and has her momments but then she goes into phases where she is a complete angel. These phases are getting longer now. Also, some kids whine alot because they have an inner ear infection that sometimes is hard to detect unless you bring them into the doctor.

My little is turning 2 on Friday (sob!). When she hasn't had a good night's rest or a shortened nap, she is a crank monster! Our bedtime isn't until 8 or 9 either...but she wakes up later in the morning since we are home together. You mentioned waking her up, try not to. Let her sleep and naturally wake up if possible. And make sure she is getting a decent nap, if she isn't already.

Also, try to switch it up at bedtime to make it more fun. When our daughter started figuring out that she was going to have to go to bed after bathtime, we started putting bubbles in the water. That helped SO much. We'd say, "Ready for bubbles?" And then we were off to her room to get her ready. Now that that is wearing off to a degree, we gave her a miniature Christmas tree for her room (she is enthralled with Christmas). Now we say, "Do you want to go look at your Christmas tree and then do bubbles?" Up the stairs she goes!

You obviously are not happy with the situation and I'm sure your reaction to your daughter, so keep your post in mind when you start to become frustrated. Admitting there is a problem is the first step.... I know cliche!

Good luck. You can do it!

Twos can be challenging but I agree that it sounds like something more is going on there. My one suggestion is that maybe she is not getting enough sleep. Children need way more sleep than we adults and when they don't get it it manifests in odd ways including tantrums, defiance and (odd though it sounds) inability to fall asleep well! (weird I know).

At this age, a two year old needs at least 12-14 hours of sleep a day between overnight sleep and naps. Our little goes to bed at 7:30, gets up at 6:15 and takes an 1.5 - 2 hr nap each afternoon. As hard as it is to change routine - and as hard as it is to not spend extra time with them - give it a try for a week and see what happens. And maybe you'll even get some "mommy" time at the end of the evening, which can be JUST as important! ;) Good luck!

Just some things to add to some of the posts. I didn't read all of them so if I repeat something, sorry!

I understand your frustration to a T. I don't have multiple children, but I've worked on and off in day care for a while and sometimes it really is hard to catch your breath and respond positively. Its possible when you make the effort.

Some things that I've found that have helped has been to make sure I take a deep breath before I respond to anything. It gives you a moment to think about it before you respond to it.

Magic booboo cream: This is something we created like 5 years ago when I worked a day care in my home town (in the south) and we found that while we ran out of chapstick or vaseline very quickly because they always wanted it.. it worked and helped calm the very minor boo boos down quickly. Like I said previously.. chapstick or vaseline (or lotion or something like that), you can cover it with a special cover if you want. But tell her its magic boo boo cream that will help her owie. Again, only helps the minor things that really aren't owies at all, but it seemed to help the kids validate that they were hurt and helped us with a way to display to them compassion in more than just words.

Another thing is a feelings box: You might have seen this on Nanny 911 or another show similar to that. I've used it in day care as well and it works for a lot of children. You make a special box, decorate it etc. Cut out medium sized circles and decorate them as faces displaying different feelings. Label them on the back to help you remember which one is which. Consider ones like happy, sad, angry, tired, hungry, confused.. things like that. When she gets upset you can offer an opportunity to use the feelings box. It will take some explaining like "if you feel angry maybe you could choose this one, or if you're happy you can choose this face that is smiling." But it will help validate feelings a little earlier than they can tell you "I'm angry" or "I'm sleepy."

It does sound like she's over tired. Checking up on the nap situation and an earlier bed time might help too. Good luck!

Please try to love and accept your daughter, no matter how annoyed you feel. One of my friends had a mantra when her kids were in that phase: "This is so developmentally appropriate!" I read somewhere that the developmental explosion two-year-olds are going through is like starting a new job or cramming for a college exam--very stressful for them!

If you dismiss or stuff her feelings, she will probably have more tantrums and meltdowns.

My favorite book for dealing with children that age is The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp. He has some very basic advice on communicating with a toddler who's melting down. It helps so much! A lot of times, what we say to a child in that state can backfire.

You might also want to read Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

I strongly agree with the advice to make sure she gets more sleep. Establish a very consistent, early bedtime routine that is fun, relaxing and loving. Do it the same way, the same time every night for at least two weeks (it won't happen overnight). Make sure she is getting a very solid 2-3 nap every afternoon too. Sleep deprivation causes so many problems in kids.

Also, make sure you are getting her out of the house for physical activity and fresh air in the mornings and that she is stimulated when she is inside (no to very little tv). Music, art, banging on pots, rolling balls, reading books, etc. A bored child is an unhappy and challenging child.

And do try to readjust how you see her. No 2 year old is rotten. I know how frustrating little ones can be (have two of my own and have taken care of countless others) but they are so very sensitive to our moods. If you are cheerful and loving and engaged, she will calm down. If you are exhausted and frustrated, she will feel that too.

Take a deep breath, look at how you can adjust your schedule and her environment. Remember that, as her parent, you are responsible for setting her up for success and for loving her more than anyone else. When you feel like yelling at her, take a deep breath and hug her instead. Try to figure out what the problem is and how you can work with her to feel better.

Good luck - it really is hard work!

B.
Momma to a very spirited 19 month old and 4 year old

So sorry to hear this is such a struggle. My question would be if she is getting enough sleep. Children that age need about 12-14 hours a day. You don't mention naps at all but her nighttime sleep is only about 9 hours. Is she getting enough sleep during the day to get her by? Maybe she is just super over tired and cranky.

I have a two year old myself, and I see much of the same thing with my daughter! Like the other mom who responded, I'm concerned that she will turn into a spoiled brat. I don't have any great advice other than one tip that I learned on Mamasource--there is a book called The Sleep Fairy (www.thesleepfairy.com) that turns bedtime into a positive thing. It hasn't worked 100% with our daughter--maybe 50% including naps, but it is a positive motivation that she understands. When that fails, we do put a gate up in her bedroom and she cries it out. It is so much harder now that she says she needs to go potty (along with a whole host of other reasons for us to come get her!) but that is the only thing we've been able to do to get her to fall asleep. Like you, it takes a couple hours sometimes.

Good luck!

Sounds familiar... she is not sleeping enough. She is over tired. Needs 14 hrs of sleep at that age... is she not napping??? its a vicious cycle, she wont go to sleep cuz she cant remember how and then just passes out due to exhaustion.

Try melatonin. Its a natural hormone some people use to reset their sleep cycle after surgery or for frequent travelers. One kid dose an hour before bed (crush the pill into her drink). It should reset her sleep cycle after 2-3 weeks and then you can stop the melatonin. But you should be putting her to bed earlier. 7pm at the latest for lights out at that age... have her nap from 1-2 or 2-3pm (quiet time in room even if she doesn't sleep), then dinner with no TV or stimulation after 5pm... tubby at 6pm, stories 6:30, lights out 7pm.. she will hate it at first but stick to it for 2 WEEKS.... it will work. And how bad can it get, sounds bad already!! :O) good luck. it worked for me!

I agree with what everyone else has already said--do a sleep check first to make sure she's getting enough sleep. Second, I highly recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic. It takes the stress out of discipline. Then, when your mental health is at a point that you can handle a more systematic change in YOUR behavior, read the book Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline.

We have ALL been there. It's hard to get through, but remember that she's still learning every second of every day, and that she'll eventually move on to other stages, creating different problems for you.

Also, get out of the house in the morning. Look into ECFE or other classes. It's great that she has such a routine, but maybe she's bored too? Good luck, E.

C., I TOTALLY feel your pain. I don't have advice for you so I am sorry for even replying! We have the SAME problem. Difference.. this is my oldest boy who will be 3 in January. So please God don't tell me this is a second child syndrome and I have to go through it again! He acts out when we don't give him individualized attention as well, and will do ANYTHING to get attention. We have made a point to have "alone" time with him every day. But wow ... if he doesn't get his way it is tears and whining ALL day long. He doesn't want to go to bed either and normally with the whole "bedtime process" he still ends up sleeping 2 hours later 10PM. But one thing I do advise on for you, and I got that tip off MamaSource. It sounded cruel in the beginning, but it has been working great. We put a gate in his doorway. One that we can open up to walk through. It has been working GREAT. He did get up in the beginning, his room is pretty close to ours, then we would hear him call. We go to him and put him back to bed, saying he has his bed and his room and we have ours. It has been working great. So now I am sure he wouldn't wander off around the house in the middle of the night, which he did before. And he now realized it isn't worth it getting up because we just put him back to bed. Good luck to you from just another mom.. with what looks like the EXACT same issue!!!

It sounds like you've built up enough resentment by now that even if she did something wonderful you might not notice it. To the best of your ability, ignore everything she does that is negative. Don't yell or comment or even let her know that you saw it. Instead, just love her, no matter what she does, and when she does something you like give her a hug or a thank-you or whatever you do to show affection. And love yourself too. This is a tough time to get through, but it will be easier if you remind yourself that it's OK to feel the way you feel. It's OK, and it will change. They are not small very long, even though it seems like forever during the hard parts.

I am a mother of 3 girls all teens now. My second child (and I do believe there is something to that 2nd child syndrom) was challenging to say the least. She threw tantroms, bite, screamed, agghhhh. At this stage of "our" life I understood my animals ate their young :o). She is now 14 - we survived. She is a strong self confident beautiful girl and we have a great mom-daughter relationship. We laugh about the 2 year old challenges - YES they ended. I know it's hard to understand now - but embrace this time. My oldest is in college, my youngest is 11 and I can't believe how fast they are growing. I miss those 2 year old day - I really do. I miss cuddling and rocking in the chair, I miss watching them learn/discover something new - I miss barney (never thought I'd say that), the wiggles, etc.

As for the sleep issues - maybe there is something to that, but she's 2. She's at that growth point in her life when she is moving from baby to independant little girl - Just wait they do it again at about 13.

My advise. Be paitent yet be firm. Give you self some "time away" when you become frustrated and may react negatively towards her - give her a "time out" when she misbehaves. One thing that was helpful for me - I wrote in a journal - I allowed myself 5 minutes to write down all my frustrations and then ended with a least 2 positives.

All in all - Trust me - This will pass. She is just growing up to be an independant little girl.

Best of luck
C.

Wow.. you are pretty frustrated since I didn't find even one nice thing said about your daughter in your letter and no that doesn't mean you aren't a good mother, just frustrated as you said.
First thing you need to do is talk with the sitter and see if she acts that way there. If she is good there then she is getting the attention in a negitive way as your husband said. If that is the case then you need to sit down with her after she wakes up and cuddle for a little bit, watching a favorite cartoon or reading a book. When she falls and cries show compassion, ask if she is ok and give her a cold pack even if there is no visiable owie then go about your business and if she is still crying tell her it will stop hurting in a minute. When she cries because she is told no, tell her that she has to go to her room until she is done crying and put her there if need be. Time out would also work. Most important on how this is dealt with is consisitacy.. you can not give into her whining sometimes and expect her to stop other times so make sure when you are telling her no it is something you feel strong enough about to stick to your guns. Mothers are so fast to say no then think "well why not" afterwards and so they change it to a yes when the child keeps asking. Grandma's aren't so fast to say no and that is why they have such a calmer time with the kids..lol.

If she is whining even at the sitters then she could have allergies that are making her feel bad, something could have happened in her world that makes her feel bad or she could be sleeping restlessly and is feeling bad. If you are doing a lot of yelling at her and letting her cry it out at bedtime, it can't be a peaceful sleep so try a good bedtime routine like bath, pj's brush teeth, lay in bed with her and read her two books then a kiss night. She could be a child who associates attention with love and trying to get her fair share... a few extra minutes at bedtime could be a positive change for you both.

Well I'm just going to start out saying that I'm shocked at some of the responses I just read wow .... Im sure your a wonderful mom and yes its hard and we all need to vent and sometimes its hard to see the good though the bad but by no means doesnt make you a bad mom Im sure you love her with everything in you and my 2 yr old acts the same way so I don't have the answers you might need I was just wanting to let you know that im sure your an awesome mom and some of those answers were mean and hurtful and ladies we shouldn't kick when other moms are down we should help them up

Chayse is a really pretty name for a girl, and I'm sure she is very special and you love her very much. I agree with the other posts that maybe she needs more sleep. She must need something to be acting that way. Maybe she needs comfort and acceptance - we all need that - especially on our worst days!

Hi C.
I did not read your other responses so sorry if it is a repeat but your daughter sounds like she is over tired so if you can put her to bed earlier or let her sleep in later you may see a huge diffrence in a week or so. Good Luck T.

I would tend to agree with the sleep comments; my 2 year old goes to bed at 7:30 and sleeps until anywhere between 5 and 6 and takes about a 2 hour nap. He's up multiple times during the night, but that's about 11 hours. You didn't say if she was napping at the sitter's; at 2, she likely still needs a good nap.

That said, BE CONSISTENT. I notice with my 2 that if I give in just once, it ruins it for everything else. Our 2 is a climber, and sometimes we let him and sometimes we don't. The Halloween candy is on top of the fridge; sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn't--and those things cause HUGE stress in our lives! But, we also know we're doing it to ourselves; when we are more conscious of being consistent, things are better--for example, we just had influenza, and let him get into whatever he wanted to play with in the kitchen cupboards...and now that we're better, we're having to rein in that tendency. But, since we were fairly consistent about it before getting sick, he re-learned it very quickly. I know it's frustrating, and it's very hard to be consistent, but just remind yourself that this is heavy-duty learning time for her, and that means a lot of no's.

Not ONE nice thing to say about your child. I don't even know what to say to that. I hope you are just very frustrated.

All I can say is she sounds like she needs more sleep. My 7 and 5 year old go to sleep at 8 and are up for 8. When they were little they went to bed around 7 and got up at 8 plus they took naps. Children need alot of sleep. Pry more than we think. Plus maybe she does need some one on one interaction with you guys. Maybe the 4 year old takes all the spot light? I know my 7 year old is very domineering and when he is around my 5 year old is rather mute... but take him away and she's a little chatty cathy. LOL! So maybe she responds to that. Something to think about. Also, she could be responding to you. You seem very upset to say the least. If you are constantly at your wits end and angry maybe she responds to that. I know when I have tense days my children are naughtier than usual. Just seems to be the way of things. So maybe you should take a spa day for yourself and let hubby watch her. Otherwise why not some mommy and me kinda classes with her.

The not staying in bed at night thing is rather normal. I've read that a million times and mine did that too. You just go and put them back in their beds over and over again giving them NO interaction. Eventually they get sick of the dance and stop. Or mine always did and that phase ended as quickly as it began.

Regardless good luck. You have a willful child and it sounds like you are losing the battle. Just think about how you are fighting it and try different things. What you are doing isn't having an effect so try the opposite.