At My Wits End - Colonial Heights, VA

Hi L.,
This may be a simplistic approach, but have you tried getting him into a sport like Tae Kwon Do, or Karate? My son hasn't been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, although I sometimes wonder... he has just started Tae Kwon Do. The articles I've read say that this is good for kids with ADD or ADHD, becuase it gives them an outlet and at the same time teaches repect and focus. They also push school, no drugs, no alcohol, etc. You get rewarded in front of the group for good work. Praise sometimes makes all the difference.
M.

Fprgive my very personal response, but it sounds like medication may be needed, or a change in one if he is already medicated. Also, therapy would be extremly beneficial. Part of it is probably the teenage independence part, but it sounds like there may be underlying issues in play here. My step-son is ADHD and has been on medication for a long time. We can always tell when he needs to change it. Also, he has been in therapy and that has helped with the outbreaks. he is not a teenager yet (but very close) but I do remember the issues I had as a teenager. Good luck, as I know it is a challenging time.

I am a firm believer that we over diagnose these days. We want every bad behavior to have a reason. Where is his father in this whole thing? He is at the age where he is becoming a man and his father should be stepping in more and guiding him. I wonder how much of this behavior could stem from that alone.
Don't rule out drugs - my little bro got into drugs at 15 and drove us all crazy for a year before he decided he didn't want that life for himself and fessed up. We all thought it was just 'a phase.'
Does he have his good moments too? How close of a relationship do you have? Is there any way you could have a heart-to-heart with him in a good moment and let him know how he is affecting the family with this behavior?
Sorry I'm not more help. It's hard to give advice without knowing the whole story. Good luck with working this out, both for your sake and his siblings that are following suit.

You do not indicate where you live, but a "gentle" military school might be a terrific alternative for highschool. One which we know alot about is named Randolph Macon Academy. It is located only about 1.5 hours from the metro DC region, has various tuition options and helpful plans. It is an Air Force ROTC-based plan for highschool. It is NOT a strictly discipline-type military school. Kids are shown there is a reason to want to do well and have control over and respect for themselves....and others. Kids can also be flight certified by the time they graduate. It is a pretty terrific program and I highly recommend making a call and a visit. If your son's activity is escalating along the lines you have described, and he is only 14, this move could 'save' all of you, his younger brother, and especially HIM.

If he tests well on academic subjects, I would also suggest checking into regional private schools. All have tuition-assistance plans, and we found that just the environment of being around kids who cared about their work (and themselves) made all the difference we were looking for....

Good luck. Boys are very tough to raise to semi-adulthood!

Some of that is just being a teenager and testing boundaries but the anger issue is another problem. Do you know why he would be so angry? What makes him mad? Has he had problems in his life that he has had to deal with? Many people with anger issues turn to using drugs as a form of self-medicating (my ex being one of them). Does he have a father in his life or a father figure? Most likely a boy would respond more to a male at this point in his life. So if there is a father or male role model that can bond with him and figure out what is making him so mad that would be a starting point. If you try to put him in therapy most likely he will be angry at you for that (my parents tried that when they found out I was drinking in high school and that was not a good move as far as I was concerned).

Signs to look for if he is using drugs or drinking:
1. Wants to stay over at friends houses a lot
2. Comes home late/stays up late
3. Withdrawing from school or sports
4. Red eyes (has visine)
5. Not eating or over eating/snacking
6. Mood swings
7. Smells of smoke or other perfumes and makes excuses for why he smells the way he does
8. Lying
9. Forgetful, losing or misplacing things
10. Sleeping a lot (this could also be teenage related though)

Check his room and see what you find. If he is doing drugs he will be hiding it somewhere.

I would set rules and boundaries. Curfew, no sleeping over at friends houses, home for dinner every night, etc. Make sure he is in close contact with you at all times and try to do fun things with him that he will enjoy and will help bond him to the family and you. Make him accountable for his actions. If you tip toe around him you will just be feeding the problem, especially if he has an addiction.

Talk about the dangers of drugs and unprotected sex and driving under the influence. Make sure he knows that you do not condone these things but that he can always come to you if he needs help or cannot drive home.

Just try to reign him in a bit and get the situation under control. Then try to figure out what is making him so mad. If he can be involved in the family or a part of a team it will help his self esteem. Then when you have his trust ask if he would want to talk to someone like a therapist or counselor. Leave it up to him though, he needs to be ready to make a change.

I hope things get better for you and your son!

S.

We've had many miracles: http://www.healingrooms.info/
Also play the word all night if you can.
Jesus took strips don't let those stripes go in vain!
change his diet, no sugar and add EFA!http://www.gcwhite.co.uk/efa.htm.... EFAs are involved in a multitude of metabolic pathways throughout the body. They are integral to proper membrane function and indeed the highest concentration of omega-3 EFAs is in the brain tissue (as in fish = brain food perhaps) where the ratio of omega-3 to omega-6 is 1:1, and many behavioural problems such as hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder as well as certain psychological problems have been shown to improve with EFA supplementation.
Be consist with teaching and keeping your word!!!
Be a good example, but mostly submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee, let go and let God.
I know it's defficult, and had a son with a LD and it was hard, but now he is serving the Lord after much heartache.
He finally realized he was running from going up and things turned around. NOTHING is impossible with GOD!!!!!!!!!!

Truly, my best advice to you is to contact the Post Institute for Family Healing. They are a group of counselors that use a new approach to anger issues in children, and they deal with much, much worse cases than what I've read from you, so I know they could help your family a LOT!! Parenting is hard enough, we shouldn't try to do it on our own. You can check out Dr. Bryan Post online at thepostinstitute.com, too. But their phone number is: ###-###-####.

Good luck!

L.,
I'm going on experiance only. I'm not a professional at all in this field. I do have 2 brother in laws that are now 19 and 28 and still doing the samethings and togther. So my suggestion now that he has no rights get him help soon. You are not a mean parent to want to help you children.You don't want them to end up addicted to crack or coke because weed is a gateway drug to all things. Even drinking is a gateway to weed. Look by all means I'm just saying do everything you can at this age counceling drug and rehab they have drug test over the counter now. Not that expensive. Your right he needs structure so give it to him. This age is so hard because they want to be old enough to do what they want but if you langthen the lesh just a little they might just slip. Well in that case yank that leash and put him back on his feet. Later in his years of having his own children he will thank you. You really don't know what your parents face until you have your own. I'm going to say a prayer and you pray too! Everyday ask God what to do and have him comfirm it. You have a right to pray to your God and ask. He says ask and you shall recive. I'm just now getting to the point in life where I find my self praying all the time over me my life and my son and marriage. Look here is a good church and a lot of this needs to be declared and prayed off. I know you say you attend a church but if your looking for a change feel free to come by we are open to everyone and everyones needs as well. Bridge Way Church " Where everybody is somebody and Jesus Christ is Lord" address 401 Gerries Ave. Baltimore Md 21221

How does he sleep at night? Does he wake up a lot? If he is sleeping all day, there might be a sleep issue such as narcoplepsy. He needs a complete physical and maybe he needs to see a neurologist. Sleeping all day does not mean he is getting his rest. He might just be irritable. Take him to the doctor and tell him everything. He might recommend a sleep study. Talk to your son quietly. Try to hear what he is not saying. Frustration at not being able to express himself may be playing a role. Just listen to him carefully and let him know you want and need to know what is going on with him. Let him know you are not blaming him but you are worried.

seek help from the school system.. they may guide you to an area for additional help... good luck

It sounds like more than just hormones and age to me. Since you are concerned (and rightfully so) about his behavior, seek help. He may need rehab instead of military school. This sounds like more than a lay person can handle, especially if drugs are involved. I do know some young people who, rather than take their prescribed medications, decided to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol. Your son may be doing this, too.

I think you need to act especially because you have younger children that you do not want to follow in the same path.

Where is his father in all this? Do they see him regularly?

Have you taken him to see a therapist for the ADHD? He may need to be medicated. I am also ADD and bipolar and I have been for years but mine wasn't taken care of until my late 20's and I am now 36. I was a very angry teenager. Mad at the world. I also got into drugs in my early 20's. I new how to hide well so my parents couldn't tell. How close are you to your son? There are many reasons a child will act out. I came from a broken home so I definately know the signs. Is there a father figure in his life? You stated you have been divorced for 25 yrs now. Boys handle things totally different from girls and a lot of times when there are things wrong they won't talk about it. Try to get him to open up or take him to a therapist. Whatever is going on he needs to talk about it. I know if he smokes pot not saying that he does, smokeing makes you really hungry and gives you red eyes like you are stoned. If he is depressed he will sleep alot that is a sign. Meth is a big time drug. It gives a very angry attitude and also dialates the pupils. People on that look all crazy. I am not trying to scare you so don't think that. Todays world is not good in my opinion. Drugs are everywhere. Try to see out the eyes of you child and try to feel what he is feeling, maybe that will help you help him. I have two small children of my own now and my son is 4 and I have already had to see things from his way. I understand a lot better when I do it that way. God Bless and I wish you the best. I know its got to be tough but I am sure you will do the best you can. Stay strong
S.

Does your son go to a public school? If so, they usually have school psychologists that can help you. Try and make an appointment and they should give you some advice. I know this is a hard time, just don't give up, he is only 14 and by 18 you won't have the same rights to decide for him as you do now. You can get him tested for drugs and if he is using you should be able to get him help. Like I already mentioned, talk to the school and counselors there, they should be able to guide you in the right direction. As well, there may be social services which can help you afford certain costs that may help you get him the help he needs.
Good luck

Don't for one second think that that's "normal" teenage stuff....Your son is acting out for some reason. He obviously has anger issues, the core of which is sadness/depression. The best course of action would be to take control of the situation and his actions now before he hurts himself or someone else. He won't like you now, but he will benefit from it in the future. Find a good counselor and start addressing what's causing all of these re-actions by him.

hi L.,
this is NOT just regular teenage behavior, and i'm sure that as an experienced mom you realize this. seek out professional help for him today.
good luck.
khairete
S.

L., you did not say that your son was receiving either medications for his ADHA or is under the care of a mental health professional. At age 14, anger is part of the hormone surges that come with the maturing process, and at 14 he is too young to know how to deal with it. If he is not getting the benefits of medication for his ADHD, then it he just does not have the abilities to handle the chaos in his brain. It sounds like this situation has progressed to the point where professional help is needed. He may refuse to go to see someone, but at least you can get professional advice on a strategy. I suggest looking for a psychologist/psychiatrist who specializes in adolescents and in ADHD.

Good luck, and I'll say a prayer for you and your son.

Well...as far as the drugs thing goes..
Does he have periods of calm where he stays to himself and doesn't get all worked up over stuff easily? Or is he constantly angry and reacting?
If he's not having "down times" he's probably not into drugs just yet. Also, it's been proven by many of the pot-friendly countries that sweets are not a "munchie" food. Things like corn chips, cereal, pizza, and other salty, chewy or crunchy foods are the leading "munchie" foods.

Does he have any outside the house activities? Maybe a band or group of friends he can go and hang out with?
Not so much drive around and drink buddies, but folks who participate in a hobby with him, like plaing music or four wheeling or something? If he doesn't have a way to get out of the house and do something he enjoys without a "thumb" on his back, it will certainly cause alot of frusteration. I myself am the oldest of 6 kids and thankfully my mother always had someone younger then me to worry about so I wasn't watched like a hawk. Maybe you're paying too much attention to what he's doing wrong and not noticing the positive steps he's taking? How is his school work and grades?

I know when I was a teen I was very focused on my schoolwork and extracurricular life. Granted, I started having sex at 16, and consideering that I'm 25 now it was slightly young for my age bracket, but 13 or 14 is no real amazing age for guys. My hubby had sex his first time at age 11, and hes 31! So age is only a number and kids are doing things earlier and earlier thes days. (Though if you do your history, most women were maried off and having kids by 12 or 13 back in the wagon days)
Anyways...I don't know your belief system of your ladder of values, but the sex issue is one that you probably aren't going to win with your sons. The anger issues could be from any number of things but are Most Likely from him not having a good place to expend his excess frusterations and energy. If he doesn't have a "good" group of friends to hang out with, see if there's something he wants to do with his spare time...heck, get him a computer and world of warcraft and let him play video games if that's something he can put his negative energy in and get something positive out.

Hope that helps