It's been a struggle but I have finally gotten to a place where my ex is a neutral person in my mind and the only connection we have is our daughter who is 4 years old. I have always wanted him and his family to have a vital role in my daughter's life but we lived 2 hours away and I always felt I had to be the one to initiate their involvement. My daughter and myself ended up moving closer to them to give her father and his family a better chance and spending more time with her. Still, unless it was their son's weekend with our daughter, they never called her or tried to see her or even text to check on her. I've never had a just amazing, wonderful relationship with my ex's mom but over the years she has been a neutral ground for things between her son and I when it was hard for us to get along. Recently however it feels as though that has changed. She has defended her son to no end even when he has made bad decisions affecting our daughter including a situation where he got physically out of control in front of our daughter and the judge granted me a temporary restraining order and gave me emergency sole custody of our daughter.
He was supposed to take court ordered parenting classes and although it has been a year he never took them. He was restricted to only seeing his daughter every other Sunday for 5 hours, yet there were occasions when they saw our daughter at other family events because I wanted them to get to interact with her and spend time with her. My daughter gets very uncomfortable when she has to spend time with her dad, she has gotten to the point where she doesn't even call him "dad' when she sees him but calls him by his first name.
When he wanted to take our daughter on a roadtrip to see his extended family I tried to communicate with him that because he is so in and out our daughter was not going to feel comfortable going with him by herself for that long of a period of time. Instead of receiving it as constructive criticism & trying to figure out a solution he told me I was just lying and making up an excuse to try to keep our daughter away from his family and to just forget it because he can't handle dealing with such a selfish B****. So nothing else was said to me about the trip, he then took to facebook and put up a long status blasting me for being controlling and keeping his daughter away from him and he could't wait until I had no say in what he did or didn't do with his child.
The same day his mother sent my mom an email asking for her help in "dealing with me" because I "can't separate my emotions" and "our daughter deserves to have relationships with both sides of her family" and that "it's not fair to the child for someone to be holding grudges and using her as a way to get back at her son". She also accused me of making things so tense between the family that they had to miss out on important moments in my daughter's life but in the end couldn't give me direct examples. I explained to her the anxiety my daughter gets when having to spend time with her father and that I think we need to come up with some sort of a plan where we can work up to our daughter having complete confidence and security in being with her dad the way she does with me. This included him being consistent in calling her during the week on his days off and setting aside two days a week where he Skype's with her so she is not just hearing a voice but seeing a face, then we would work up to overnights and then back to weekends. So far, he has not done any of these things to stay consistently involved with our child's life and it seems nobody is holding him accountable for doing this for his daughter.
I do have a pretty good relationship with my daughter's aunts. We talk on almost a daily basis and they are always checking in on my daughter and myself. I had made plans with the aunt who just had her second baby to bring my daughter to see the new baby and for some of us to go to the circus together in the middle of August. More recently, I made a trip to that area where my ex and his family lives but I made it by myself because a friend of mine had come home from California and I wanted to have a couple days to spend with her and take a breather from single mommy-hood.
The following Sunday my ex came to see our daughter for the day with his mom and found out I had been out of town for two days and he was livid with me because he couldn't believe I would do something like that and NOT bring our daughter so she can meet her new cousin but I just ignored it because he obviously didn't know I already had a weekend scheduled to come down there...he doesn't have the best relationship with his sister anymore as a result of the choices he has made regarding me and our daughter.
After their day spent together my daughter comes home and asks me, "Mommy how come you won't let me go see my new baby cousin?" I was taken aback by what she said and kind of didn't know at first if I heard her right so I asked, "What did you say?" and she replies, "Did you not let me go see my new baby cousin? Why did you not let me go?" ...nope I heard it right....so I asked her, "baby who told you I wouldn't let you? did your dad tell you that?" to which she replies, "No my GiGi told me that".....I was so stunned. Especially since a few years ago I was told by my ex that his mom had called me some not so nice names to which I confronted her about and she said her words were twisted by her son and taken out of context and that I should never worry or be concerned that she would ever bad mouth me in front of my child.
I so wish I was the type of person who could let things like this go one ear and out the other because I know how I am with my daughter, I know the type of mother I am, and I know I have never and will never use my child or put her in the middle of anything that would make her feel uncomfortable. I am not that person, it hurts me deeply that anyone would think I would be that kind of mom that I put myself before my daughter or that I would ever try to manipulate her. Still, when these things happen I try to compensate for them. I go out of my way to try to get them to be involved more hoping that someday they will stop with the false accusations because my actions will have spoken far louder. It's causing so much stress on me but it seems no matter what I do I am always the bad guy, the one who uses her daughter, the one who keeps her daughter away from her father and his family.
I realize this simple question has been full of detail but I am one to analyze things deeply and I have really looked back at everything I've done to try to figure out if in fact I have messed up, if I am making something out of nothing, if they have reason to think so negatively about me and I know I am not perfect but I don't know what I have done so wrong. I feel like I should confront my daughters grandmother and give her a chance to tell her side of the story but it's not the first time my daughter has said something to me about what happens when she is with her dad without me and they have told me that what my daughter is saying is not true and that she's just making it up....I don't know if this is just something I should ignore because no matter what I say it won't change or if it's important to stand up for myself. I am at such a loss and don't know what else to do....
****I guess I should specify for people like Cheryl B. that from the time my daughter was born he was in and out of her life when he chose. If he didn't get everything his way he would threaten to sign away his rights. This happened three times. He originally was supposed to have weekends when he set up child support three years after our daughter was born but after he got physically abusive in front of our daughter he had his rights to weekends taken away and could only have visits with our daughter under supervision of his parents who did also not follow the court. It's also too bad that I couldn't write a book of his history as a parent and their history as grandparents then Cheryl might feel differently. How many times I did bring her to see them when I didn't have too. How often I had to be the one to ask them if they wanted to see her and no response. My alone trips are few and far in between. I did not say "sorry I'm not taking you to see your cousin honey" I had this trip planned weeks ago. My daughters other grandparents and even great grandparents called her every day when we moved away. I guess I just set the standards too high for her paternal grandparents. I didn't realize ever bad mouthing a parent in front of or directly to a child was ever okay. But apparently I brought it on myself (according to Cheryl). Being accused of things I didn't do is not something I'm stranger too, I guess if you have a question about the situation ask before you post an answer.
You know what to do, you are looking for some one to agree with you. If it were me I would go home to my parents and let him make up his mind of what kind of relationship he wants with his child and be done with it.
Good Luck
I have bent over backwards to try and facilitate a relationship with SuzyQ and your son's family...
- He was court ordered to take parenting classes. He has not done so.
- He is only allowed 5 hours of visitation, and then threw a fit swearing at me when I wouldn't agree to an extended road trip.
- He is mandated to have gradually increasing regular contact that is clearly laid out. He has not done so.
These things are not my fault.
If you wish to blame someone, blame your son for not following through with clear, simple, instruction from the courts.
Attempting to alienate my daughter from me, for your son being in contempt of court will no longer be tolerated. I am under no obligation to be going the extra mile above and beyond court orders, and shall no longer be doing so if these attempts to hurt my daughter continue.
I think it's time for you to stop reaching out to them. Don't stand in their way if they want to see your daughter, but stop initiating. You're exhausting yourself, and for what? He sounds like a real jerk. If he wants to see her, he can reach out to see her, contact her, call her. If he doesn't, it's his loss. You are under no obligation to inform him when you're in his town if he doesn't already have visitation then. And you absolutely should have mentioned that you've scheduled time to see the new baby, but were too busy on this trip. He's really got a lot of nerve yelling at you for things like that.
Normally, I really respect when divorced parents go the extra mile for each other, but he has to meet you part way.
P.S. If the court ordered parenting classes and he didn't take them, he might be in contempt of court. It might be worth looking into.
It sounds like his visitation is contingent upon him taking the parenting classes and it also sounds like he could really learn a lot from them.
You are under no obligation to tell him where you go when go - you're no longer together. Don't have any guilt about that! and you already scheduled a time to see the new baby - again you have no obligation to tell him that either but could mention it.
You've taken a lot of steps to ensure his relationship with your daughter. He needs to take some responsiblity for this.
As far as his mother: will it change anything if you confront her? Will it make it better? Will it make you feel better?
If it were me, I would maybe tell the mother that she's NOT the parent and needs to stay out of parental things.
Good luck! I used to have one of those kinds of MILs...
You don't owe him anything, and you've done everything possible to both protect your daughter and ensure that they have a good relationship. Unfortunately, he's not taking advantage of the opportunities. You've been an amazing mother, and if we take your post at face value you've also been a stellar former wife.
From here on out, I would adhere strictly to the court orders. That includes reporting him for not following through on the parenting classes. If he doesn't show up to pick up his daughter or shows up late, document it. Include if he's late dropping her off. Document every verbally abusive incident, and try to keep as much of your communication with him and his mother in writing as possible for your records. It's easier to remain detached and less emotional in writing when you have to deal with them. If they choose to go off on tangents and rant at you, make accusations, or whatever, you can ignore that and respond in writing only to the issues that you legally need to deal with.
If you get along well with his sister, that's a good relationship to maintain as long as you don't think it will sour by you tightening up the visitation schedule and adhering strictly to the court order. I don't think that you're the one at fault here. It sounds like you've bent over backwards and your former husband and his mother are trying the old trick of turning your daughter against you during the short time they have her. Make her doubt you and be vicious about you rather than actually enjoy the time that they have her.
It's their loss, really. They could be enjoying her and watching her grow up but they're spending the time being vipers. Have your lawyer handy too, by the way. If he tries to pull anything, you'll need your lawyer.
I'm only going to respond to one thing in this entire post:
He was ordered by the court to take parenting classes. You know he never took them.
I would inform your attorney immediately. The court needs to know he did not fulfill a COURT ORDER. His custody should depend on his fulfiling it! Find out how to get it enforced. He needs this counseling. But be aware that you will be the "evil b***h" for tattling on him and his behavior may worsen in the short term towards you.
Still, he is violating a court order that directly affects your child and his relationship with her -- why are you letting him get away with it?
Please call your lawyer. Ex may say "But I did take those classes." I hope he didn't pay off someone to sign off on a sheet saying he did it if he did not actually attend. It sounds like that kind of deceit would not be unexpected.
Meanwhile be sure to keep up positive relations with the aunts. Maybe get them on your side regarding his need to take the parenting classes -- if they can get him to do it themselves you would not have to go the "evil b***h" route. His mother too will be furious because you're saying her precious boy isn't already a good parent, but...keep those aunts on your side!
Please avoid the urge for confrontations or the need for exlpanation. A lot of people care so much about what other people think of them - this is good to an extent but I have come to realize overtime that I can only control my actions and not someone else's thoughts.......as long as I don't do anything wrong I have to make peace with what other people think of me inspite of that.
Did you not say you have sole custody until he takes the parenting classes.....well if he is not even committed enough to take a class in order to get his custody rights back and the child is uncomfortable around him then he doesn't deserver to see her.....please follow court orders closely nad don;t try to reach out to anyone on his side.....except for the ex SIL but may reconsider going there for visits.......could you move away again...distance is sometimes a good thing when it comes to volatile relationships. I am thinking if you move away then your ex certainly doesn;t have the drive to come and see his child.....sorry you are in this situation...good luck
He did not take parenting classes for his daughter. Aslo, the only one you have to explain anything to is your daughter. You did not keep her away from her cousin. She needs to know that. I would not bend over backwards anymore for the daddy. You need to do whats best for your daughter and it seems you already do that. From now on if he or his family wants to see her on a Sunday, they can come where you live. Tell the court the daddy is not living up to his responsibilities by not going to parenting classes that he so needs to do. Do not let him bully you. good luck!
If his parenting time is contingent on his own actions, then he needs to get his act together about it. If xMIL cannot work with you on seeing your DD on your time, then she needs to work with her son about getting his act together so he has more time with DD and can bring her to more things himself. I would also watch her time with DD if she vents to a 4 yr old about things that are between adults. Unless there is something in the court order about first right of refusal, you don't need to tell him. And, frankly, there were times we'd find out after the fact that DH's ex took the kids out of state without telling us and we let it roll because it wasn't worth the fight at the time. DH always kept his nose clean, though. And there were plenty of times she said, "No" to her children, but they knew she was working 20 minutes from our house. We couldn't make her take that time and he can't take time he hasn't been given. Where you go on your time is your business, even if he doesn't like it.
So the long and short is that any time you give his family (and MIL) is your call unless they share the 5 hours he does get or he gets his act together to have more time. His lack of time is not your fault.
So...what I would do is remind MIL that her son has work to do if he wants more time and she should 1. not discuss adult problems with a 4 yr old and 2. encourage him to step up to be a better father and see DD on his time.
You've done everything that you can do. There is no way you can force a relationship between you ex and our daughter.
If he has been physically abusive (and, I am guessing verbally as well), in front of your daughter, I am not sure, why you'd want to subject her to that behavior anyway.
He knows what his rights are and if he chooses not to see your daughter, leave it at that. There are worse things in life. You are still entitled to your child support, whether he sees her or not.
Let your daughter know that you are not "keeping" her from her Dad but that you are letting her Dad be responsible for his visitation. But, if he has not finished his court ordered classes and is still under court ordered visitation, you should report him. It sounds like he needs the help. It may also benefit your daughter to have some counseling to know that none of this is her fault.
Good Luck.
I feel your pain. My best advice is to keep doing what you are doing..whatever is best for your child and you. Let your ex figure out what kind of dad he wants to be is up to him and not you to force on him (or try to) and if he doesn't step up, he will one day realize it was/is his loss. **Not saying you are trying to force anything just saying, let him worry about it.
As for his family, those that want to be involved can be. Those that don't can choose to wait for the rare occasion that your ex has her and visit then.
If you ex hasn't taken the parenting classes mandated by the court, he probably isn't allowed to have your daughter alone yet (not sure but you should have the details). As for his mom, put it in writing that you want your daughter to have a relationship with her and the rest of the family but since dad doesn't see her on a regular basis they will need to contact you if they wish to see her. You will facilitate the visits (as always) but do not want to be the only one reaching out. I suggest you let the others know it too.
As for the "not letting me see baby cousin"...technically you didn't let her so that alone doesn't mean anyone lied to her or about you. It could be that she overheard her gma say "she was right in town and didn't let Suzy see the new baby" or something like that. Just explain to your daughter that while she didn't get to see the baby yet, you already have a visit planned and WILL be taking her to meet her cousin.
