I have been best friends with my 'bff' since our freshman year of high school. We used to do everything together, heck we even roomed together for a while in college, until I married my long-time boyfriend and started a family and a career and got busy with life. We are still friends of course, and we still see each other regularly, and we still claim to be 'bff', but she is not my go-to when I'm in a crisis or just need someone who I can relate with, because she is still FULLY dependent on her parents.
We are both about to turn 29 years old. She is working on her masters degree in school psychology. She has never had a job, ever, and her parents have never asked her to work, not even during semesters when she "just didn't feel like taking a full course load". Her parents rent her apartment close to the university. Her parents bought her a brand new car last month. They send her an allowance every week, pay her cell phone bill, and her credit card bill (and fyi, she's an only child). She's an extreme introvert, always has been- she loves hanging out with me, but beyond that she has no other friends, which is fine, some people only need one or two close friends, but in addition to that, she has never had a single boyfriend, and has developed a very apathetic attitude about any possible love life.
Through the years I have strived very hard to maintain patience because the decision of her parents to disable her by providing for her when she is perfectly capable is not her fault. She simply doesn't know what she doesn't know.
However, it's very nerve-racking to hear her talk about how "stressful" her life is when she has never in her 29 years had to pay a bill, among other things. I've tried talking to her about this, tried urging her to take more responsibility for her own life, but she never has an opinion either way, she just shrugs. I ask her what her plan for her life is, and she just shrugs.
Most of my feelings are deep concern for my dear friend-- but I do admit that part of my annoyance is the fact that she is completely unable to appreciate the amount of stress in MY life, which makes our friendship completely one-sided. I find myself just waiting until she develops some perspective in life-- waiting until she gets a job after school-- waiting until she knows what it's like to be in love-- so that our friendship can be more balanced. But it's getting really old. Perhaps I'm expecting too much, I don't know.
So... any perspective on the situation? Am I being too critical? Should I back away? Should I be more accepting? What do you think?
Rhonda- Umm, NO, I'm not jealous of an adult teenager, let alone envious.
I have this type of situation myself, with a guy friend. When my life changed in the family way. I began to distance myself from him, and wouldn't ya know it. He still has not changed. He now is an acquaintance rather than my go to friend.
Would you be best friends with a teenager at this stage in your life? Probably not . . . which is why you're having trouble with your friend who has never grown out of that phase.
People grow apart - it happens. Ideally friendship is a two-way street. How can you have that with someone who is in a completely different stage of life?
I don't think you're being overly critical or unreasonable - just realistic about what you want out of a friendship. It's OK to have needs of your own. You can meet hers but she can't meet yours. That's more parental in nature, and you've already got kids to parent.
JMO.
Most of my close friends have no clue about the stress in my life, and I have no clue about the stress in theirs. My closest friends are single and childless. I was single till I was 29. I was also in grad school, and my life was hell. Much harder than my current life, that is for sure.....
My point, just because she isn't married or hasn't had a job, this doesn't mean she lacks perspective. It just means she doesn't share YOUR perspective, nor can you understand hers.
For what it's worth, at 29, I divorced my best friend from high school. Her life was a mess and I was sick of her parents enabling her in being an alcoholic.
Some times we outgrow friends. It's just the way life works. And sometimes friendships just are one-sided. I have another friend from childhood that I still talk to. My relationship with her has been one-sided since we were 12. I got pissed about it when I was around 30, now at 40, I am comfortable with the one-sidedness. She is who she is. I enjoy catching up from time to time, and enjoy talking with someone that has known me for so many years, but mostly, I have moved on with my life (I avoid facebook because I have no desire to chat with old high school friends.)
One thing I have learned is this: if you get off the phone and are upset or bothered most of the time, if the relationship causes more pain than pleasure, it is time to move on.
It's like a marriage when one person grows and the other doesn't. Eventually it falls apart.
I don't think that it's that you're not accepting, but it's hard to have anything in common with someone who doesn't really live life or has never really experienced life. That's probably why she can't talk to you about things that are important to you in your life - she has no frame of reference.
I don't really know that you should back away, just realize that until she starts to experience life, she cannot really relate to you or what's going on in your life. It's hard and sad to lose a long-time friend; don't push her away.
The brain is a muscle. If you don't exercise a muscle it becomes weak. She has never had to balance a check book or worry about making the rent payment or car payment or much of anything else. So her brain is weak in that area.
When I went to high school I played in the band. I carried a trombone and baritone home every night. I also carried a brief case with most of my books in it. I took the bus toward home and got off when it was closest to my home. Then I got off and walked about 2.5 miles down a hill, across a small valley and back up the other side of the valley to my home. I never got any other exercise, except working on the farm we lived on. My dad thought I was out of shape, until he saw me carry two 100 lb bags of chicken feed up stairs in the barn to where it was stored. I did it several times until the farmer and I unloaded his truck.
You've carried the load, like I did. Your friend has never carried more than her purse. You can handle the load because, like me you've practiced it over and over and over again.
Your friend will always find the things you think are part of living, very hard to do and stressfull. If you want to be her real friend, tell her parents to let her experience life and get a job and pay her bills and meet new people. Then her parents have some hope of enjoying grandchildren.
Good luck to you and yours.
i don't think being more "accepting" is going to make you better friends. i think people grow apart. you have very little in common anymore other than a shared past...and that alone isn't enough to maintain a friendship, imo. i would distance myself and slowly have less to do with her. of course you'd be there if she truly needed you and when/if she grows up a bit you will probably have more in common and can regain that closeness (that you are still searching for from her). but at this point in your lives it's just not there. it's just a fact of life. sad but totally manageable. it's not even really personal - you know she's a GOOD person, she's just a little ignorant and naive. like you said, she doesn't know what she doesn't know.
I think you should be honest with her about how you feel. Your friendship does sound very one-sided given that you can't even go to her when you're in crisis. What kind of BFF is that?? She sounds like she's dealing with some mental issues (depression? social anxiety?). To rely on her parents for finances is one thing but to only have them and you in her life is really not OK. Maybe you can bring it up in a non-judgemental way. If still no response and relationship is just stuck in teenager-land, you'll just have to distance yourself and move on. Some friendships do wear down over the test of time.
I would accept that she is never going to be the mature adult that you are. She cannot understand your situation because she has not lived it, and I beleive that her not wanting to be independent is a symptom of a deeper problem that may require professional help. This is why friends become acquaintances. Your being her only friend is not a good thing. She needs someone to vent to, and it shouldn't always be you. That is why we have counselors, multiple friends, clergy, spouses and partners. I would encourage her to find others to help her and listen to her venting. This friendship is not reciprocal for you, and I would accept that it may never be.
Wow. Her parents are really disabling her. When are they going to cut the cord?
I don't think there is any possible way for her to understand when she has never had to do anything for herself. That's like trying to explain how hard parenting is to someone who's never had a kid and has spent their life indulging themselves (my best friend).
I think if you need to vent about stress in your life, you need to vent to someone in similar circumstances, who can actually empathize. This girl is not the person to vent to.
My philosophy about friendships is you can't get everything you need from one person, so I suggest you just enjoy what is good about this person (there must be something), and agree to not discuss your life stresses with each other.
Like you wisely said, it is not her fault. The next time she complains, tell her that in your opinion, her life isn't stressful compared to yours, since you aren't being supported by your parents, so let's just agree not to discuss that subject.
I would suggest to her that she go into counseling. There are only two kinds of psych majors. One is trying to figure out why a family member is screwed up, and the other is trying to unscrew his/her own head. Obviously she's the latter. But reading the textbooks won't unscrew her head. She may also be walking around in a depression and nobody has recognized it. Her parents have probably contributed to it because they treat her like a cripple by meeting each and every need she has. They are sending her message that she can't do anything on her own. The only way to build self-confidence is through struggle and accomplishment. She is sucking off your strength, confidence and probably admires you more than anyone. Be the voice of truth and TELL HER THE TRUTH! My husband did this when one of my friends kept wearing me out. She came over one day and he just let it all hang out. She left in a huff, but she later told me that conversation totally changed her life. She is a successful professional today, but you would never have predicted she'd ever change from the overweight, complaining woman who read paperback romance novels and watched soap operas day in and day out! The truth is often painful, but it "sets you free."
Hi N.,
Healthy and long-lasting friendships are two-way streets. If you are always doing the giving (i.e., lending a sympathetic ear, being there for all of her stressful times), then quite naturally, over time, you are going to pull away from the friendship because it has become out of balance. You get nothing back. There has to be give and take on both sides to keep a true frienship going.
In addition, as another poster commented, your lives share very little in common right now. While it is possible to be very good friends with other people who don't have children, the two parties really have to work at it, because once you become a parent, priorities quite naturally shift. The way you describe your two lives are so vastly different, there really isn't much to bridge the gap except your past history as friends. And history alone can't carry a friendship forever.
So, maybe you could just ask her if she is interested in continuing your friendship. I bet she'd be a little surprised at hearing this, but I also bet she'll say, "Yes!" If that's the case, you need to be prepared to say to her in the clearest and kindest way possible what YOU need out of the friendship (e.g., "I need you to listen to me sometimes".....or whatever else it is you determine you need).
You say you've tried to talk with her, but I think you need to make your message more urgent (again, in a kind and caring way).
She really isn't living realistically, and it's hard to see how she can be a true professional and try to help others, when she can't even take care of herself. Most people who've done post-grad work, myself included, have worked (sometimes more than one job) AND gone to school AND paid our bills, AND maintained our friendships. It's pretty much the norm of real, adult life.
Try talking to her one more time, letting her know that you are concerned for her and for your friendship. It really sounds like she could use some counseling herself. If you can talk to her about what she is afraid of, maybe you could get to a part in the conversation where you could suggest some counseling or therapy.
Maybe you could rework parts of what you've written here in your question and write a letter to her. Ask her to follow-up with you and meet to discuss it. She'll know in advance what you want to talk about, and it will show her, hopefully, how much you care about her and the friendship, but also how serious you are about how her behavior is impacting you.
Good luck with this. I hope your friend will hear you this time. She's really lucky to have someone as concerned and kind as you to hang in there for such a long time.
J. F.
Oh Gees.... jealousy and envy never crossed my mind in your post. I can't believe that was suggested.
Like many people have said, a good true friendship is much like a marriage. You are grown up, you have taken responsibility.. Unfortunately for her, she has no idea what to do because her parents have enabled her for so long. I tend to blame her parents for putting her in this position because they obviously want her to continue to be completely dependent on them.. they can't cut the cord. Look at the mess they have created.
By what you've described, I can see why/how she knows nothing aobut the stress in your life because to her... this is her world.
I would probably back away and distance myself a bit because you don't need the added stress to your life. You have to do what you can to take care of you first. I realize you really care for her and you see a trainwreck in the making but again, you need to take care of you. Deal with her in small doses such that you are not stressing yourself out.
No you are not being too critical, you are being realistic. She can't see beyond mommy/daddy right now. She has a huge wake up call coming and it is NOT your responsibility to help her pick up those pieces when it happens.
You sound like a very caring, giving friend. Good luck.
Damn, I wish I were her! She is sponging off her parents and the parents have a need to have her still dependent on them. Since she has no other friends--this is a great chance for you to sponge off of her. When her parents give her the allowance, go over to her place with an empty stomach and talk her into treating you and the kids at McDondald's! lol After a while she will be on this board reporting you to us! By the way, I think you are a little envious. I would be too.
First of all, you aren't her parent. Take what she says with a grain of salt. I think expecting things from people who are unable to provide those things for us is a trap in yourself. There are truly those people who do not have the ability or interest in listening or sharing what is going on with us. I have 1-3 friends that want to hear my side of life and are truly interested. I have learned most people just want to wallow in their own lives and just need someone to listen. I have several of these types of friends. It's ok... I have learned what they need and if I still want to remain in the friendship to maybe have coffee here and there then I do. If they are too much of an emotional drain, then I move on. Just find the type of person you want to be and who you want to be there for, then go from there.
