Avoiding Eye Contact

One of the books I read about Aspergers recommends that if the child feels too uncomfortable to look people in the eyes, they should aim a little higher at people's foreheads. This will still show respectful listening, but without making them so uncomfortable.
Personally, I don't notice whether my son is making eye contact with me unless he gets right up in my face. Either because I am so nearsighted or perhaps I don't have normal eye contact either. He also has ADHD and wanders around from room to room in the middle of talking to me. So instead of trying to force eye contact with him, I just tell him that I need to see his mouth to be able to hear him.

Hi, I never knew about this until I photographed a party of children with Autism. But, lack of eye contact is one of the symptoms that autistic children have. Do some research and see if your son falls into any other categories. As well, make mention to his pediatrician. Here is the wiki q&a: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_the_symptoms_of_autism...

C.

I also suggest that you research autism spectrum disorders to see if he has any other behaviors that could be indicative of a disorder. Don't panic! The spectrum is wide. Many children are seen as a bit different but do not have difficulties fitting in even tho they've been diagnosed as fitting in that spectrum. The reason for wanting to find out if there are other signs is to be able to know how to help him continue to mature in the healthiest way possible if he is at risk for the disorder.

My grandson doesn't look at people when they talk most of the time, now. There was a time he looked at people and gradually he stopped and then he began to show other behaviors. For him, he stopped learning new words and lost old ones when he was around 1 1/2- 2. He gradually became angry and more aggressive.

I know both children and adults who at times do not always look at me when they talk. Most of them are shy. Some are thinking about something else even tho I am talking to them. Not looking at me tells me I don't have their full attention. My granddaughter will actually not do what I asked even tho I thought she was listening even tho she wasn't looking at me. Turns out that she had the "socially correct" posture but did not have her ears "turned on."

I think that it's most likely that your son is normal. I'd just be aware that this could be the first sign that he will need some extra help. And since it concerns you, research and/or an evaluation can put your ;mind at ease so that you can stop paying attention to it.

My son went through a time when he wouldn't make eye contact well. I would take both his hands in mine and tell him to look at my eyes and wouldn't talk to him until he did, he grew out of it and is a very well adjusted 17 year old now. He still will turn bright red sometimes when he's embarrassed, but really has no trouble talking to people now.

Does he have any other behaviors that concern you? If he does have other odd behaviors, I would talk with your pediatrician. If not, maby he is just doing it because he knows it gets your goat!

My daughter does this! She's high-functioning autistic/Asperger's. It's really hard for her to formulate her thoughts while she's giving eye contact. She has a much easier time when she looks away. We're really working with her on this. She's trying to learn to start a conversation giving eye contact, ending a conversation giving eye contact and checking-in during the conversation (looking at the other person occasionally to be sure they're listening).

I'm not saying that your son has this, but keep an eye out for other issues. Kids with Asperger's do start to talk on-time or even early.

Grabbing his face won't help. I've done this many times myself! What I try to do now is get down at my child's level and either ask her if she's talking to her toy (or whatever she's looking at), or I'll point to my eye to signal her to look there too. This has been pretty effective!

C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com

Maybe he's intimdated? (i suck at spelling :])
Or try doing funny games with him to help inprove contact. Like having him copy you, my daughter loves that. We stare eachother down like crazy!

But i'm sure that if you grab his face, he'd feel like he's in trouble...I know i did when I was younger.
Toss him up and tickle him, put your forehead on his and be silly. The less he sees you as a threat the more he'll open up!

I hope he snaps outta it! :)

My son (4.5 years old) did this for a while, too, especially when he was in trouble. I know for sure he is not autistic at all, and he does not have ADD (although some people would find any young child to have ADD). I think he just had to be taught. He's over it now.

It sounds like Asbergers....

One of my children never does any extended eye contact, he like your child also spoke very very early. If you child is uncomfortable, don't force the situation.

You may want to read up on asperger's syndrome and see if it sounds like a fit. The early speaking with a large voculary as well as the difficulty with eye contact are 2 of the signs, wish I would have known more about it before my dhild was 12....

I have a friend who is now in his 50s who always avoids eye contact, but in every other way is as normal as you and I . He is a very successful pilot, husband & father, and in every way friendly except for this odd quirk. He was like this in high school, too, but I didn't think anything of it, because he was a bit shy. We never dated, but spent lots of time together in church youth activities. As a professional in the education field, I would now consider whether he had a tiny bit of autistic tendancy, but that's so scary for parents to hear that I don't mention it for that reason except to assure you that if it turns out after further evaluation that he has autistic tendencies, that it's not that big of a deal it he gets along well with peers, since you know that he will grow up to be perfectly normal, yet quirky as my friend did. However, if you have concerns, there are some great programs out there and online that you can consult and access if you live in or near a large metropolitan area.

I provide a therapy called Brain Integration Technique and have worked with many children who avoided eye contact. People tend to assume that the reason is psychological, that they want to avoid having someone look into their own eyes or are afraid of what others might communicate through their eyes. From what I have studied and in my experience, it seems to be more likely that it is a neurological issue. Some children with specific learning difficulties or within the spectrum of autistic or neurological developmental disorders often display this tendency.

There are two possibilities that I would consider. First, it has been found that in some of these children the optic nerve is hypersensitive. The body produces photons (light particles) which are not seen by most of us. Every living thing radiates light, which Kirlian photography has shown. The light that emanates from human eyes is the most intensely bright areas of light. When the optic nerve is sensitive enough to perceive that light, it is only natural to avoid looking directly into it, just as you would avoid staring into a light bulb. So, to the person with extraordinarily sensitive sight, your eyes are too bright for them, especially when the light is focussed on them, such as when they are speaking to you and you are trying to read their body language. Think of it like aiming the flashlight right at your eyes.

The second consideration I would expect as a possibility is that it is an issue of coordinating and integrating brain functions. He may simply be looking at something that isn't responding to his words so he can focus all his attention on what he is trying to say because his brain may have some difficulties with a combination of hearing and speech processing. It would be like turning off the television so you can hear the radio.

Either way, this is something that may improve with specific therapies aimed at correcting the neurological issues, or by altering diet or environment so as to avoid substances which could be effecting a metabolic condition that may cause or trigger this neurological confusion or sensitivity. In my experience, this is not something that you can simply retrain by encouraging the child to just change this habit via guidance, rewards, or discipline.

I hope this is helps you see your dear little boy in a different light. There are two books you might want to consider reading. One is Malcolm Gladwell's book, The Outliers, which helps parents and educators focus more attention on encouraging a child's strengths rather than putting too much attention on correcting flaws. The other is Jenny McCarthy's book, Healing and Preventing Autism (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUndbmAzPqs&feature=re....

Best wishes to you and your dear family!

Okay before you flip a nut because everyone is saying Autism and Aspergers I just want you to know this is also a symptom of ADD. I have had add all my life and I really don't consider it a disability.

My oldest daughter started talking around a year and a half. She had a high school vocabulary by the time she was two. Kinda funny when people would say sweetie you don't even know what that word means and she would rattle off the meaning. She has ADD, all my kids do. We all avert our eyes by nature.

In high school I taught myself how to focus on people's eyes. Part because it makes it easier to hide the ADD but also because it is a social norm. Whether your son has ADD, Aspergers, or is normal (whatever that is) low self-esteem is an awful thing to teach your child especially if it is something beyond his control.

My point is relax no one holds it against a child to not follow all social norms, especially one like eye contact. If he has issues he will not be able to change this until his mind matures and all the neural connections occur. Yes your mind develops and connections are made well into adolescence, sometimes adulthood. I know you only have your son's best interest at heart but holding his face like that is degrading and he will take a hit to his self-esteem.

Think about it this way if it was never an issue to you then if he encounters someone at school who comments it may be a question he asks you after school. If you make something that he perhaps cannot control your quest to correct then this same encounter will be affermation that he is defective. If he has any of the issues described in these responses he will have more than enough negative comments to deal with don't add more.

Good luck.

I know two very bright boys (brothers) both on the autism spectrum. They are extremely verbal and friendly, but can't seem to access their thoughts while looking at someone – it seems to distract them too much.

Not saying your son necessarily is an Asperger's candidate, but for whatever reason, it could simply be too much to require him to look at you while he speaks. Why is it so important to you, do you see this as a mark of disrespect? I doubt that that's the problem.

Shyness is another possibility. I have trouble looking at people I don't know well.

I really want to reiterate what the other Mothers have said about getting your son screened for Autism and I agree, don't panic.

I have a 9 year-old, very brilliant and charming son who is on the spectrum. Many of his symptoms were very subtle, even the eye-contact avoidance (he did cute, funny things as he got older to detract attention away from the fact he avoided eye contact).

If it is Autism spectrum, the sooner you catch it, the easier it is to work with it.

My son is 9, and mainstreamed (in an academically challenging private school), but still has social anxiety and other autism-related challenges (Executive Dysfunction) BUT I can tell you that the targeted therapies have greatly improved all of this.

Please for your son's sake, get him screened by a competent neuro-pscyhologist or neuro-psychiatrist.