I'm worried my MIL won't want to babysit anymore. My 4 month old screams when she's with Grandma, whether my husband or I are there or not. The first incident was in April, she was about 7 weeks old. It was the first time we left her with anyone else, just for a couple hours for my birthday. She cried pretty much the whole time she was there, but we didn't read too much into it. At that point she was still crying a lot with my husband when I left for class a couple nights a week, so we figured she'd cry with her. Then when she was 3 months old we left her with my husbands dad and step mom for about 7 hours and she was great with them. So we thought she outgrew the stage. She's fine with grandma in church, she holds her every sunday. But if we go to grandma's house or she comes to our house, she still cries violently. The second I pick her up she stops. The only thing I can think of is that his mom smokes. But she doesn't smoke around the baby and her house if well ventilated and barely smells like smoke. However...her clothes always reek of it. What should we do? I don't know how to bring it up but she's getting a complex.
hi A., you might try to have grandma put a outfit in a plastic bag freah out of laundry to put on when the baby comes to her but tell her not to smoke at all with the fresh clothes on, it could also be her laundry detergent or softner the baby does`nt like ,, good luck,and maybe the baby just does`nt trust grandma yet because you left her there before and you may do it again.
A.,
We had the same situation with my dad when our first was born. It IS the smoke. Babies are sensitive and the smell is unnatural and foreign to your baby. I know how you feel. My feelings were hurt for my dad. He wanted his granddaughter to be close to him. I told him gently what I suspected the problem to be. He decided to quit smoking. (I'm so proud of him for his health as well)Baby loved grandpa...problem solved. You may wish to have your husband have a similar chat with his mom. Good luck to you.
A.
Try asking grandma to change shirts or put a clean, non-smokey towel or blanket over her and try holding daughter. It may show that the smoke is the problem. If it is maybe it could be incentive for her to quite smoking.
Hi A.,
Oh how frustrating and embarrassing. But your baby is just being honest. I'm a grandmother too. The first thing I'd say is grandma needs to listen to and respect what your little one is 'telling' her. Such as, play with baby while she's on YOUR lap and build up from there. Always stop play BEFORE the baby gets upset. And when she builds up to holding the baby, as soon as your daughter fusses, grandma should immediately bring her to you. Most people tend to turn their backs on the person the baby is reaching for. This allows the baby to still see the person they want, but instead of getting closer, that person they desperately need is getting further away. It must be a really frightening feeling for a helpless little baby. By bringing the baby to you EVERY time the baby expresses that NEED -and remind grandma it is a need and not a want- grandma is helping to build trust with your baby. She is saying (without words) that I'm listening to you, and whatever yo need I'll help you get.
As for the smoky smelling clothes you might want to say very calmly, "you know, I wonder if she is smelling a difference on your clothing because you smoke and we don't. You can try putting my sweat jacket over your top and see if that works" Say it with the attitude of 'hey it's worth a shot. I'll try anything'. Remember, babies are very scent oriented. Great little noses. Good luck, S.
don't knowwhat today
Smoke, even on clothes can be very harmful to your baby. During our childbirth class the nurses told us to make sure any smokers changed their shirts or held a blanket over their shirts before holding the baby. The baby inhales the smoke from the clothes. Maybe you can couch it in terms of your pediatrician recommends....and I would have your husband bring it up since it is his mom.
I'd say it time for an experiment!!!
You go and get a new shirt for her.... Have her put it on and see what happens. It could be the smoke smell.
or
It could still be a stage. My niece screams and runs in fear from my dad, she's 2 and has always done it. BUT she LOVES talking about him and giving him suprize hugs... just on her terms.
Don't give up.
I know that it is hard on your MIL but, in the end she may just be the FAVORITE grandma. :-)
Hi A.,
I've noticed that smokers try to over-compensate with perfumes to hide the smoke smell. Maybe your daughter doesn't like the smoke and/or and perfume grandma is wearing.
Good luck!
Hi A.,
I remember when my first child was a baby he cried around my MIL also. I finally figured out it was because she was so loud. I suggested if she were a little quieter around him he probably wouldn't cry. I was honest with her and she listened and he stopped all the crying. I have a very good relationship with her and she wasn't defensive when I suggested it. If you think the reason is the smoking (I agree by the way) I would be honest with her and hopefully she will be receptive to it and try to change. Good luck.
Chris
My middle daughter was like that with everyone, not just MIL, so she didn't get upset, but my son was like that with MIL for several months. It was every time he saw her, and he went to other older ladies at church just fine! He didn't see her *that* often, but enough that she started feeling badly about it. It's just a stage, we never figured out what it was. He would scream like she was pinching him or something, it was so weird! He got over it at around 6-8 months or so IIRC. Unless you need her to babysit for work or something, I wouldn't push it, she'll outgrow it. If you push it, she could really come to dislike being with her grandma.
We had a similar situation with my MIL - only instead of smoke, she was addicted to perfume. LOTS of perfume. She wore so much perfume that when she would come over, our entire main floor of our house would smell like her perfume - and that scent lasted at least for a full day after she left. And my daughter would SCREAM when held by my MIL... Finally, my husband gently asked his mom to lay off of the perfume because our pediatrician mentioned that our daughter might be allergic (this was made up but a more gentle way of asking her to not wear perfume). Now, my daughter can't wait to see "Nana"... So there's a good chance that your baby is reacting to the smell on her grandma's clothing...
Just a question to think about - does Grandma's clothes smell like smoke at church? If so, and your daughter "allows" her to hold here there I don't think the smoke is the issue. If they smell clean, but during the other times she smells like smoke that may very well be the issue. If that's the case, you may need to find a tactful way of suggesting she make sure she has on clean clothes before she comes over, or when she is going to babysit.
However, if she smells like smoke at church, then you may just have to keep working with your daughter to go to your MIL when you are all together. Don't rescue your daughter either. Let her sit there for a few minutes crying. Take her back, calm her down and then give her back - extending the time a little bit each time. I wouldn't do that more than a few times per visit. But eventually maybe she'll work through the phase. It's hard to watch your little ones cry, but I've learned that sometimes that's when they learn that it's all right. I know my oldest had a hard time with my husband - when I was in the room. We used this process and it took a few days to work through it, but eventually she went to her dad without a problem.
I am a bit dramatic but if ANYONE who smokes wants to hold my 5 month old they have to put on a clean shirt of put a receiving blanket over their chest. This goes for my husband too. We also do not take her into houses where people smoke inside because it seems to bother her. I think you should just mention the smoke to your MIL and ask her to throw on a clean T-Shirt and see if that helps. Good luck.
