Baby Ruins Sex??

Updated on June 17, 2011
N.P. asks from Mobile, AL
16 answers

Before I had my first child, my husband and my sex life was awesome! I got pregnant and things were great all the way to around 8months. It started being extremely uncomfortable. My husband was in the delivery room when I had my son. After getting the ok at 6 weeks we still did not have sex. 8 weeks passed, 12 weeks came and gone, and then finally on week 14 we finally did it! It was not me it was him! Well we had sex once every 3 or 4 months! I think he only does it then because he gets tired of me asking for it. We finally talked about it! He said that just watching me give birth just messed with his head and his emotions! He said it is hard to think of me as being that sexy wife! He said when he thinks about me, he thinks, "she is the mother of my child" He says he loves me more than ever before! I really tried to be understanding. At first my feelings were so hurt! Now I am just extremely frustrated! I don't know if that is really what's going on or if it because I gained 80lbs and didnt loose it! I had gestational diabetes but didnt know until the day I gave birth! He doesn't seem to be ashamed of me! We still do everything we use to but be intimate or affectionate! We hold hands and a quick kiss on the way out but that's it! I am currently pregnant again. Yes after 5 months of not having sex and being extra careful I got pregnant again! What are the odd? but any who, my concern is that it will get worse after having this child. I can't deny him of seeing his child being born so what do I do?????

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So What Happened?

Thank you everyone for ALL the advice and your perspective! I honestly respect every bit of it! It has helped me see the subject through other's eyes! We will defiantly be talking about therapy! I am really watching my weight and what I eat and eating healthier this time around! I have only gained 5lbs the whole pregnancy! My dr. is happy about that! I will be working harder to lose the baby weight when time comes. I think I just didn't this last time because I was new to staying home, having a child, and being 200 miles away from any family! I had post partum and I am finally in a good place besides the sex thing! I pretty much clamed up and threw myself a pitty party! I am going a different route this time! Thanks again!

Featured Answers

P.M.

answers from Tampa on

Tell him to stop channeling Elvis Presley - see what happened to their marriage!! Fact of Life and all... get over it!

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D.B.

answers from Charlotte on

I'm sorry Nikki - N. knows I meant no offense - she sent me a flower. I don't normally think that about weight and no sex - my husband had sex with me after both babies, and I gained weight after both. I have not meant any offense to other moms - this was to N. because of the things she said about her own situation that made me think this was the case with her. (And I certainly meant no offense to sweet N.!)

Original:
I'm so sorry you two are going through this. I do think that your extra weight is making you look like a "mother" to the extreme to him, and he may continue to see you like this until you lose the weight.

Go on Weight Watchers and do some exercise to help you. If you can talk to a personal trainer to get exercises to help you not be flabby, that would help. The younger you are, the easier it is. (Spoken from someone who isn't younger! LOL!)

I really think that becoming the "you" that you were before the baby will help him. Meanwhile, use a little sexy mouth with him - talk a little dirty. Never when the baby is around though. Read some Cosmo or something like that out loud to him. Ask him if he likes something sexy you just read him. Pinch his rearend and giggle. A little bit of this at a time while the pounds come off may really start to help him get his mojo back.

You don't want to carry around 80 extra pounds because it's not healthy for you. You want to get your sex life back before your husband starts to have trouble being able to physically have sex. Working on all this at one time is a win-win situation for you. You can do this - you really can.

Good luck!
Dawn

4 moms found this helpful

J.G.

answers from St. Louis on

I doubt it is just seeing the birth of his child. If that was the norm we would all have one child. What I have found is after you have a child you don't feel sexy and that does project but it not something you can put a finger on. It is not because of your body it is just I am mom, mom is not sexy.

Being pregnant is really not a good time to do this but when you are ready you need to find time to put down the kids and be wife. Not just think it, own it. Wives are sexy, moms are not.

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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

I really think your husband needs to see a counselor.

Here is some information on the complex that other responders mentioned: http://madonnawhore.com/

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J.B.

answers from Detroit on

It sounds like he would benefit from some therapy. I have heard before that men sometimes look at the wife as the Mom now and don't feel the same. I would try to get him to go see someone. Weight should not have anything to do with it he loves you and will love you no matter how much you weigh. I have put on a lot of weight since my husband I married and I can't keep him away from me. During pregnancy isn't the best time to be dieting. Good luck to you I am sure if he talks to someone or both of you together things will get back to normal.

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N.G.

answers from Dallas on

Oh, I usually love Dawn's responses, but this one I have to 100% disagree with, and even take offense to.

I think it is nothing short of offensive to insinuate that your husband can't or shouldn't be attracted to you because you gained weight during your pregnancy. After all, vows say through sickness and in health, til death do us part,,, not "As long as you are skinny."

I think your husband has issues with sex and love and needs to learn that the two are related. I seriously suggest counseling.

If you want to lose weight to make your SELF feel better, that is another thing- but give yourself a break- you just had a kid and you are pregnant again!!

Definitely, definitely try counseling.

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T.C.

answers from Dallas on

I can't remember where, but I read a thing once about some doctor who says he thinks men shouldn't be in the delivery room. I thought he was full of it when I read it! (sorry I can't be more exact on the details) He said that men don't need to see those types of things and that it really messes with them...or something sooooo similar to what you are describing.

My husband has seen me have three vaginal births. I haven't even seen myself have them...hehe. My belly is always in the way. But he hasn't seemed bothered by it at all. He's very attracted and interested as usual.

My hubby feels the same feelings of me being the mother of his children, and he has a deep love for me for that reason...but it doesn't stop him from feeling what he always had.

Even with that article I mentioned, he didn't say that the result would be like what you're dealing with. Just that no husband should have to see a baby exit a woman's body like that (or something...and I scoffed at his article!). He didn't mention it would ruin their sex life, at least nothing like what you're describing. But it has to be something some men deal with to some degree.

That's seems really bizarre to me, to be honest. Do you think it has anything to do with your weight gain? It just doesn't make sense. I wonder if he would benefit from talking to someone that he can be 100% honest with and get those feelings out and help him return back to normal.

I'm so sorry! That has to be insulting on many levels, even though you know he loves you. I would be so hurt in your shoes. I hope something happens and things improve drastically. It sounds like he really loves you...just something is causing some issue. And, you might want to suggest he be in there when baby appears but perhaps he shouldn't watch too closely.

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S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

My husband actually had a couple of friends who said the same thing to him. About how after they saw the birth of their kids, they couldn't see their wife as a sexual being anymore -- only as the mother of their kids. They ended up getting a divorce. This really freaked us both out and so we agreed that he would be in the room when I delivered but by my head and not look DOWN THERE. Well come delivery day, my obgyn orders him to scoot down and help hold my other leg (the nurse had hte other one) so my hubby complies and sees every single second of my birth - the head, the blood, everything!! Thankfully, it turned out my hubby didn't have the reaction he was scared about due to his friends and he still jumps on me whenever he can. lol. but I want to tell you that we originally didn't plan for him to see it b/c if he were to lose interest in me sexually that would be a huge problem. Sex is so vital to a healthy marriage -- it really helps bond you and reconnect with one another. If your hubby can't see you like that anymore, I think therapy is in high order. Plus, after your child, maybe you could join weight watchers or something to held shed the pounds which will make your more confident in pursuing him and maybe it'll help him see the old you. I just joined WW and am having results already. It's a great program. Anyway, best of luck to you!

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V.S.

answers from Lima on

Wow, well that's a tough one. My husband has watched me give birth on 2 of our kids and will be there for the 3rd and he is always asking for sex. Unfortunately, I have mild pre-eclampsia and am on modified bed rest along with varicose veins running through my vaginal region. So for me sex is very difficult and I wish I didn't have as many problems so we could do it more.

Even if he sees you as the "mother of his child" now, he should still consider you very sexy and want to make love to you. Maybe not all the time, but at least once every weekend. I would suggest maybe some counseling for him. If he got that screwed up from the delivery, which I've never heard of, then maybe he needs to talk to someone else professionally. Or maybe he is lying to you and maybe there is something else going on. When you say that he tells you that it is hard for him to think of you as his "sexy wife" after you have given birth, then to me it sounds like it's either the weight you haven't lost yet (which will go away with some work) or he is very messed up in the head.

I'm going to suggest counseling for both of you so that you can both talk your feelings to a professional and see what his underlying problem is. Is he scared if you do it you'll wake your other kid up? Or does he have a medical issue?

Good luck!

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Wow, so sorry, but I must be honest...
No WAY would/could my husband watch me give birth (God bless the men who can do this but my hubby is NOT one of them!)
and 80 pounds is quite a bit of weight, as I'm sure you already know. I'm trying to manage 20 pounds put on over 19 years of marriage and it is a struggle (I gained and lost 60 pounds with each pregnancy.)
If you are 80 pounds overweight, PLEASE take it seriously, and get some help, not only for your marriage but for your children, especially if you are pregnant again, they NEED you mama! And you deserve to be healthy, happy and strong :)

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M.R.

answers from Phoenix on

About one round of couples therapy might handle this classic scenario.

There is a psychological term for men who watch their wives give birth and then can no longer view them as their sexy wives, but rather they see them as a mother. Don't quote me, but I think it's called the Madonna Complex. It's quite common in men.

There's the Peter Pan principal, which is the guy who never wants to grow up and take responsbility.

And there is this scenario you describe above. Honestly, it has nothing to do with weight gain and all to do with how a husband's view, quite literally, can shift from wife to mother. I would hope any skilled marriage and family counselor can help you find your way over this road block.

Congratulations on your next baby!

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K.M.

answers from Denver on

I always wished I could have seen what my husband could see when I had the kids. The first was a planned C section and the second was a VBAC. I couldn't keep him away once we got the all clear with either kid. I do not know if that is an excuse that some men say as far as seeing you different after a birth or if that really does bother some men. I would not keep him away from the second birth but I think for your sake he should talk with you more about his feelings around the birth. I could definitely understand feeling hurt by what he said fo perhaps he could talk to a counselor about this instead or perhaps your OB/GYN knows of a resource for him and/or you as this is probably a fairly common thing they hear about at the 6 week appointment

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E.P.

answers from New York on

Everyone's experience is different, however, neither my husband nor I were all that excited about seeing my private parts turn into a horror show when I gave birth. He agreed ahead of time to hang out near my head (where I needed him) and to let the doctor cut the cord. He is by no means squeemish, he just didn't really want to see what was going to happen down there and I can't say I blame him. I ended up with a c-section so that worked out just fine - he was sitting near my head and saw just as much as I did which amounted to seeing our beautiful daughter when she was pulled out - problem solved.
Now, I've never been skinny but my husband told me he enjoyed the shape of my pregnant body. Fast forward 12 years and maybe 80 lbs myself (thyroid issues, PCOS, among other things). I do the best I can to keep my hair and make-up nice and I dress neatly and appropriately for my size. Never would my husband (bless his little heart) consider not having sex with me because I'm LARGER than when he married me. We are pretty active and enjoy each other often. He tells me I'm a great mother, but he's definately not thinking of that in the bedroom. I'd guess that your hubby was a little freaked out by the birth process - and yes, Elvis had a big problem like that after the birth of his daughter. Get him some therapy, talk, talk, talk, until you get to the bottom of what's bothering him. Tell him he's not the only man who feels this way. Good luck getting your sexy back - and you will when he figures out where his went.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

A relationship often "changes" in a lot of (sometimes subtle) ways after you become a parent.
The important thing is that you make time for you as a couple. Get your mom or MIL to babysit and go out to dinner with your husband! Try to do this as much as you can...there's another Party (wee O.) vying for attention now. Make sure you & your husband have time to concentrate on each other--like it used to be!

J.B.

answers from Houston on

Well I think that while he may be dealing with stuff and all, it is not ok for either partner to neglect the other sexually. I mean I bet he isn't exactly the same as when you two first met either, life gets hectic, dates get fewer, flowers less often, all night talks..nill... Life happens, but you stick together through it all. One doesn't just get a pass bc they are in a funk. I think that he needs to deal with his issues. You can't control how you look while giving birth and certainly can't be worried about his sensibilities while you are trying to push out a human being. Plenty of heavy women get married and have kids, everyday, being overweight is not the killer of sex. So while I can appreciate he is in a struggle I also think he needs to admit that and deal and not look to you to solve his problems, you have your hands full with a young child and baby on the way. Is there a man he can talk through all this with, his dad, a pastor, somebody who is a bit further down the road with all this. If he needs you to be perfect all the time for all his ducks to be in a row, life might get really bumpy with two kids in tow!! I wish you the best girl, but as much as you love him and I know you want to be everything you can for him, don't let it get you down. Just do your best to be a great mom and wife but realize he really does have some stuff to deal with that is not about you. I think telling him that in a loving way is a great first step...good luck and congrats on the new baby :D

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S.B.

answers from Redding on

Just a different perspective....
Sex equals babies.
I have known both men and women who were not so into being intimate due to a fear of another pregnancy.
A baby changes everything.
Both can want sex, but it's not always that simple. A baby sucking on your boobs and your woo-hoo getting back to normal, not to mention hormones and a crazy schedule....
I watched my daughter give birth recently and frankly, even as a woman with two kids, I'm still absorbing it. She didn't have an easy time.
She didn't allow Daddy anywhere near her nether regions.
That aside, sex can take a back burner after a baby is born. And, now you're pregnant again.
I think you just have to realize that there are a lot of things affecting your sexual life and know that it's okay.
Being seen as a woman and a wife as opposed to a mommy is something you have to work on with your husband.
Women can get lost in the mommy thing and if your husband is having trouble because he sees that as your main role, you have to help him through changing that mind set. You are a mommy. But you're also a woman who desires her husband because you love him. I doubt your husband loves you any less at all. Your sex life was already diminished with your first baby and now you have another one on the way after "being careful".
It's a lot to take in and you might need to see someone who can walk you through all this. Your OB/GYN or midwife could be a good source.
Couples go through this and I don't even want to talk about the weight issue. One of my dearest friends never lost her baby weight after two kids. We're pushing 50. She has a hot husband who adores her and I'm very sure her self confidence has a lot to do with it. She's one of the most beautiful women I know. She is serious pretty. She's smart. She's a wonderful mom. She knows how to carry herself.
She's not 25 anymore and he doesn't expect her to be. They've been together a LONG time.

My point is, you can weather this.

Confidence is the most beautiful thing about a woman when you get down to it. Remember that.
Don't be afraid to ask for help from professionals to back up your feelings and your husbands feelings as well.
Like I said, everything changes once you have a baby. Or more than one.
You can find your rhythm.

Best wishes.

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