Bad Mommy - Cuba,MO

When I went back to work after having my first (triplets), someone asked me if I called home a bunch of times . I hadn't even called once! and it was about 2 pm. I remember thinking "oh my gosh, should i call a bunch of times"? I wondered if I was supposed to feel bad becasue I didn't. My kids were home with daddy so I knew they were fine. After that, I called around lunchtime every day. Now my kids call me when they get home from school, and if I can I call to speak to my husband before they do so I can talk to him before the craziness starts and he goes to work.

I think all of us who work have the same guilt. I like my adult time from work and I work from a home office with lots of unpredictable calls, meetings and appointments that make it impossible for me to work with my daughter at home. When I start feeling bad that I'm only fielding calls and emails instead of having my daughter at home with me, I remind myself that she is having more fun and getting more mental stimulation at daycare with her friends, books and toys than I would be able to give her at home while I juggle her needs with my work demands. That usually makes me realize that I'm making the only choice that works for my family.

you're only a bad mommy if you aren't making sure he is well loved and taken care of while you are at work.

Why do you think a newborn is "having a good time" or learning different things than what you can teach him? That makes no sense to me. Why do you want to feel better about leaving your baby? I have to say that it is not "normal" to leave a newborn, but so many people do it in our society that it has become acceptable. I think the normal thing is for a mother to nurture her own baby full time. I'm not trying to "make you feel better" because I think that you are feeling what is natural--you want to be with your baby. Those are normal feelings. Do you *have* to work? If there is any way for you to stay home, I think it would be best for both you and your baby. If you truly, truly have to work, then you make the best of it, knowing that you and your baby will miss each other daily. So sorry!

<laughing> Of course not!

Although feeling guilty about not feeling guilty seems a bit of a waste of stress.

I know what you are going through, I feel that way all the time. But I do know that to keep my sanity and to provide affordable insurance for the family I have to work. I love my girls dearly but I do not have it in me to stay home with them permanetly. My girls are taken care of by their grandma and a friend that I have never had to worry about the kind of care they are getting, I know they are being cared for and loved and so I never had to worry. I very rarely call to see how they are doing because I know they are fine. If I do call I call to see how my m-n-l is doing instead of the other way around. You are a great mom and do not let negative people like one of the responders one on here get to you. Someone told me once when you start to feel negative about yourself, stop and start thinking and saying positive things about yourself and the negativeness will go way. Take care and God bless.

I am going to give you my real opinion while I know I will in turn be "bashed". I do agree with Tonya and I don't think she was harsh, but honest. You ask us to feel better about this, but why? Obviously there is some guilt on your part and it is there for a reason.
My biggest question is you say newborn. How old is he exactly? A few weeks or several months? And yes, it makes a difference. Young young children need lots of time with mom for bonding. Being held, touched, loved and comforted by your voice and smell. No one can take your place during this critical time in life that occurs once.
However, many women choose to work or want to work and that in itself is not negative either. This post was far to short for anyone to make a determination whole heartedly as your working being a positive, negative or neutral.
I have 3 bio children and am a foster parent too and I work. I have seen the damage that children manifest when they have NOT bonded appropriately with one primary caretaker. It is fact and feelings have nothing to do with it, ladies. Those who tried to assuage your guilt are only helping aid in their own comfort as to get more women on their team.
A good healthy balance is key and I think being with Grandma and other relatives while you work is ideal (if Grandma is nuturing and caring and everything you as a mom are and desire). Nanny on the other hand could be wonderful and could be awful; you can never be too careful.
Again, with the limited information provided --- I went down the middle as there is nothing inherently wrong with working, but be sure it is the right thing for your son, your family and yourself. Make sure he isn't missing critical bonding time with you and if he is young and you work long hours, after work is NOT enough time with you! There are only so many hours in each day and he will only be this young once and in that critical bonding time for a very short time in his life. You are a smart woman - just make sure you are making the right choice as to HIS best interest. (This is why children in orphanages are so damaged and often end up as extremely dysfunctional adults and why foster children who move from placement to placement have severe bonding issues such as RAD). I am a foster parent and see the damage that occurs when most so called educated adults feel no harm is done because they are too young. The facts indicate otherwise.
Best wishes!

I don't think you are a bad mommy at all. Many women want to have the best of both worlds--being a mommy and having a career. Many do it nowadays and if you are blessed to be able to have Grandma and a Nanny watch your son then that is wonderful! However, I must say I can't relate. I cried all the way to work when I would drop my son off at daycare when he was a newborn. I found it to be very difficult to leave my 3 month old in the hands of anyone besides me. That's just me though. You are a good mommy and you said yourself that you miss him. So enjoy your time in grown up world during the day. Your son is in good hands!

Whether to work or not is your decision. I just wanted to comment on the idea that so many have that kids are better off with someone else 'learning different things than what I can teach him' which is what concerns me. We can all teach our children just as well as someone else because what they need is love, moral teaching, manners, fun, etc. Anyone can do this if they are living life and love their child and want to put out the effort. Some don't ENJOY it maybe is the word to use. I'm not judging if you work or not just don't agree with that one statement. Some people want the money and prefer to work and that's their choice.

Seriously, Tonya? We're all the same and the same things should give us all the same joy? Please.

T., think about it this way. If your husband (assuming there is one) said, "Am I a bad father for going off to a job I enjoy and leaving the baby home with someone who also cares about him?" you would probably laugh him out of the room. Then you'd list all the thousands of ways that working makes him a _good_ father. Why is it different because you're a woman? Being a little crass, yes, G-d gave me a uterus, but he also gave me a brain. Just because I used one doesn't mean that I should stop using the other.

Now of course that I don't mean that SAHMs don't use their brains - being home with my kids in the summer I know that staying home is a hard hard job. But it's not the right job for everyone, regardless of whether you're a mom or a dad. You love your kid, no doubt you show him that in a million different ways, let go of the guilt.

In today's society with the way the economy is and the cost of living, not all families are as blessed as Tonya's in which one can stay home while the other brings home the bacon. Still that should not be a determining factor to not have kids. No matter who watches your child, he/she will ALWAYS know that you are their mommy. Yeah, you could live in a low income home in a neighborhood that has D or F rated schools just so one can stay home, but in the long run will you feel that is acceptable for your child? We both work so that we can live in a modest size home within an A rated school district and also to help pay for them to play baseball, participate in Boy Scouts, take swimming lessons, etc (I still can't wrap my head around how expensive all that stuff is!!). No matter which side of the fence you are on, that mommy guilt is there and it will never go away and there will always be someone out there that will put down what you are doing - you can't win! Just only look into yourself and point out all the positives of your situation and focus on that! We are all good mommies no matter what.

Yeah um we live in the real world Tonya....some of us don't have that luxery of staying home with our kids full-time even if we wanted too-get real! Not a reason to NOT have a child though but it is something that you might want to consider although not the deciding factor!
I think what you are feeling is normal so don't feel bad! Just know that its not the amount of time or "quantity" of time you spend with your children it is the "quality". Your children will know you are their mommy and nothing will ever change that no matter what! As far as the feeling of guilt-I think every mom goes through it and you just have to swallow it and move forward and look within yourself and know you are the best mommy because your child tells you so! You just have to do what you have to do!

I have friends who skip to work. :) I'm a SAHM but often times, I'm jealous of their skipping!

Ouch to Tonya! That was a wee bit harsh dont we think? YES, some women have to work. Some women spent lots and lots of time and money on a college education to do something they love. I, personally didnt, lol. And thats why I work part time. I love the fact that my husband is able to provide for us while I only work part time and are with my kids most of the time. You have to do what you have to do!

Your an awesome mommy! You made sure your baby is being cared for by someone who loves him/her and who your baby cares for. Your doing what is good for yourself and your baby, which makes a perfect situation. I am sure that is why you are not experiencing guilt and regret! Keep up with the smart parenting! Your doing well!

You are lucky that you don't feel bad. Some moms feel so awful that they end up in depression, do a terrible job at work, and make everyone around them miserable. When I had to go back to work, it was hard. I couldn't remember stuff, and would have to write pages of notes to help me get through the day. (The person who first said that half of our brain is delivered along with the placenta knew what she was talking about!) My boss fussed at me asking if I just needed to go home for a while. I told him that it wouldn't help.

To be honest, I felt like I was learning wondeful methods of how to take care of my children from the daycare ladies. Most of the ladies were wonderful. I knew my children were well cared for, and that it didn't hurt them that I wasn't with them 24/7. When they got older, I think they needed me more. As teenagers, it is great that I am home when they get home from school. They KNOW I'm paying close attention to what they do and who they are with.

So enjoy your job and your baby. And don't give moms who want to play the "I'm better than you because I stay at home with my kids" game a chance to do that by asking if you are a bad mommy because you enjoy your job. That's like asking for an anvil to drop on your head. And it's no one's business if you HAVE to work or not. If women only worked because they HAD to, most of our teachers, doctors, nurses and a slew of other occupations would be men. Or we would have a terrible shortage in so many fields.

Dawn

I became a 1st time mommy at age 50! So, obviously I had an established work life. Some people are not designed to stay home all day with kids....God bless those who can, I'm not one of them. Frankly, there is no way I could provide the exposure and education that my daughter has received at her daycare, and I think that's the important thing is that you choose a good setting, whether it be home or a daycare provider. The important thing is that when you get home, that you focus your time on your child...no computers, texting, etc. That's your child's time, and they deserve your full attention until their bedtime.

Just an additional FYI, I am the total product of daycare from the late 1950's. My Mom and her sisters all worked outside the home. My sister & I NEVER suffered from it. My parents never made a big deal about it. It was as if they went to their job and I went to mine. I had a ball with the other kids...certainly more fun than staying home with adults. Bonus was that my Mom worked for the airlines, so we traveled all over the world for free...talk about an education no book could give you! So just be the best Mommy you can be, be the best worker you can be, and your child will love you all the same in the end.

Some of us our better mamas because we work outside the home. I have a friend who loves her kids dearly but says just that.
Your baby is with Grandma. He is just fine.

First- I am a working mom of 3 girls. I am one of those who skips out the door to go to work while grandma takes the girls to school, picks them up, makes sure they do their homework, feeds them dinner, does their laundry most of the time and then I come home from work and have time to play with them or take them to activities or whatever we need to do. I STILL feeel guilt. Most stay at home moms feel guilt at some time because they don't always "enjoy" staying home with the kids, or the house isn't clean enough or they don't do enough play groups or dinner should be more nutritious or they need a break for mom time.
We all struggle with mommy guilt. Tonya was so harsh in her comment that I'm thinking she is harboring some guilt and just won't admit it.
We are all doing the best for our kids. Could we do better, maybe. But, as long as we are doing the best we can, that is going to have to be good enough.
One thing I try to tell myself to get over the guilt is that a relationship with a grandparent is sacred. Your baby is very lucky to have that bond and cherish those memories with grandma. She is a very special and important person in his life and he will benefit for the rest of his life from his time with her.

Don't feel bad. When I went back to work after my first I was so confused on my feelings. I wanted to be with him but at the same time I like being at my job. When people would say "Ohh how are you doing?" I would say it was hard and then feel horrible cause it wasn't as hard as I was making it out to be. As time went on it did get harder to be a working mom. He was learning new things and I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything. But I never want to have to deny my kids anything they want to do. So I work so we are not scrapping by. And now with two kids I use daycare to my full advantage, I will leave work early to go grocery shopping or do any other quick trip I need to.

I was a working mama when my oldest was tiny. She is now 22 and is a happy, well-adjusted young woman. Think positive! And feel better!

I agree as long as you make sure he is taken care of he'll be fine. I did both - went to work with my first and now am staying home. My oldest is still in daycare as she loves being with her friends and gets lots of activity time in versus being bored at home while I'm taking care of her twin bro and sis. I am actually worried about the twins development not being around other kids as much as my oldest. She is thriving at daycare and also is very happy with us. Do what you think is right and do not worry about what others say (e.g. Tonya)

Women have been doing this for YEARS!!! Dont feel bad!!! As long as you care for him when you are with him....it all comes out in the wash....

Good luck!!! and, Hang in there!!!