Bf's Family and My Daughter Being Left Out

I thinnk his mom is a piece of work. Innocent kids should NEVER be put in the middle of adult issues. His mom is horrible for doing that.

I'm so very sorry for you and Emmy ~ what a horrible thing to do to ANY child!!!

I have a step-daughter and if anyone in my family ever treated her that way I would have words with them.

Have a mom to mom heart to heart.

Then give her the space to make changes. You can't control her, but if limiting visits is an option - then that would be my next step.

Poor baby. I would be hurt for her too. I'm sure now that you're bf stood up for her that mom won't make that mistake again. I think he handled it beautifully and this won't be an issue next time.

I feel so bad for your little girl. No kid wants to feel left out or different and that is J. how your bf's mother made her feel. Shame on her. Lesson learned: come prepared next time, have something in the trunk of the car that can be brought in J. in case. Your bf's mother is obviously not going to change if/when you get married so it is up to you to fill in the gaps. Sounds like she raised herself a good son though, good for him for stepping up that day! Such a sad thing to do to a five year old.

Honestly, I am with you on this one. Kids simply do not understand the family dynamic you are stating. They understand, Hey these kids are getting presents and I am not, so she must not like M..

My cousin has a step son and he is treated J. like one of the family. He is in our chirstmas name drawings, he comes over for family functions, etc. I think it would be cruel to him to treat him any different.

Can I J. say: Big points to your boyfriend in this situation both for speaking up to his mom and for leading the way to put something together for your little girl. He did the right thing on both counts. Too, too often on Mamapedia there are in-law issues where the guy won't speak up to his own parents on behalf of his significant other and the kids, and it sounds like your guy did J. that. Good for him.

Now: He should have a cordial and calm talk with his mom (without you or your daughter there). He should go over his "script" in advance and above all-- ask him to be calm and, yes, even kind. Approaching mom with "You were horrid!" will only "get her back up." She needs to hear from him that your daughter did notice that she was left out and that next time, at an event with all the kids around, your daughter needs to be treated the same. He can tell her that "We love you and want Sally to be happy and comfortable around you too, and that won't happen if she feels like she's treated differently from the other kids in the family. And mom, Sally IS part of my family. I'm sure you can understand that and see what a great kid she is. We J. need you to know that she noticed, and we're going to assume here that you surely didn't mean an intentional slight and it was an oversight. But next time if you want some help with Christmas gifts or Easter baskets or whatever, we'll be glad to bring extra if it's a problem for you to get things for all the kids. But we do need you to know that it is starting to affect Sally. She does need to be treated the same as the other kids, or that's a problem for us."

Bear in mind that his mom, depending on her age and upbringing, may have issues with the fact that (1) you're not married, no matter how long you've been together and (2) your daughter isn't her son's child. I am not saying she is right; obviously she is wrong. I'm J. saying, bear in mind that older folks especially in certain cultures or from certain areas tend to have these beliefs. You cannot teach or drive them out of her, so your boyfriend's statement to her is important; he's not asking her to change her whole mind-set, he's telling her that your child is his family too and she needs to ACT like that -- no matter how she FEELS about it.

One last thing. Assuming you'll be in this family for good, don't burn bridges yet by saying "We won't come to any family events any more!" or whatever. Give her this chance. It sounds like your boyfriend, if he can be the calm voice of reason here, could get things on a better track here. But it is his job to do so -- you should not have to. Be glad he's the kind of guy who will do it.

She may surprise you by saying she was horrified to realize that she hadn't thought of your daughter when doing the Easter baskets and she may J. find this is a turning point in how she reacts to your child.

I really want to say, wow: You have raised an uncommonly brave, polite little girl. Most kids would be bawling on the floor over something like that.

I don't have anything to add on how to handle this in the future -- I agree with everything that's been said -- I really J. wanted to congratulate you and your daughter, both.

This breaks my heart. I hate to say but I think that is a really bad sign about your boyfriends family.

Would you feel comfortable calling (or make your BF do it, really) and ask that they please tell you next time there will be a blatant display of gifts for the "other" children so that you can be sure and bring something comparable for your daughter so she doesn't feel left out.

My heart goes out to your LO. That would NEVER happen at my house. Even if she were the child of a friend, she would have had everything that the others had. I don't believe in treating children differently. They are all children and they all deserve to feel loved and welcome!

To be honest, I would not bring her over there again for an occasion like that UNLESS your bf spoke to his parents FIRST and made SURE that your daughter was going to have exactly what the other kids have. No way would I set her up for that again!

Your bf's parents should be ashamed of themselves.

You know what, J.?
It would be a cold day in hell before I would take MY child to HIS parents house for a holiday again.
Very clear and simple.
Spend the day with YOUR child and if your BF is a real man, he'll be right there with the two of you.
His MIL can go pound sand.
I would never, ever, ever, ever, EVER (did I say EVER!) give that family another chance to slight my child. And if you DO--you only have yourself to blame.
Surely you know by now that you can't make ANYONE "do" ANYTHING, but you sure as HECK can control YOUR choices and you would be smart to CHOOSE NEVER to go there again.

ETA: After your update....my answer remains the same. Have his niece over, take them to a movie--whatever. It is J. SO wrong that your "future" MIL has to be TOLD by her KID to be equitable. And Fair. And kind. And accepting. I hope you know what you are getting into with this family. All the best.

Poor baby.

Your BF needs to intervene and make it clear that such favoritism is unacceptable.

On Sunday my fiancee and I took my two boys to his parent's house. My future SIL lives nearby and another SIL also came along with her grandaughter, who is my boys' age. SIL number one made a HUGE egg hunt for all the children (there were also a few toddlers), and included my boys by giving all the kids big buckets with toys in them. I was so impressed. This is only the SECOND time we've visited, and she still thought of us.

But THAT is what families DO.

After a year and a half, it's time for BF's family to accept you and DD.

(And, IMHO, it's also time for BF to make it official and put a ring on your finger)

Setting aside the stepchild issue for a moment, what she did was rude and hurtful. Period. No child should be excluded for any reason. I think your boyfriend needs to sit his mother down and explain this to her. She needs to understand how underhandedly hateful her actions were. She asked for a lot of understanding and acceptance from a child.

The next part is totally my opinion. Bringing the stepchild issue back into frame, if she can't be a big enough person to treat all the kids the same, then she needs to admit that outloud to all the parents involved. I don't think it's for any of us to judge. Yes, if that's how she feels, then that's wrong but it is how she feels. It's not fair to discount how she feels because that is equally wrong in my opinion. The first step to changing is acknowledging how you feel and then working on changing that. In her case I don't think you can reasonably expect her to work on changing. You can certainly ask her to change but in the meantime I wouldn't hold my breath. Instead each of the parents involved can work on changes too which can help the situation. I would make it a point to start asking her if she plans on doing something special for some of the kids that way you can over there with your own special something for your child. Secretly I would hope that type of blackmail might open her eyes. Good luck and well done on your child's part for not being a total brat about the situation. That was tough for anyone, child or adult. Exclusion sucks to put it mildly.

Unfortunately there are people in this world who are very black and white, even when it comes to children. My mother-in-law is the same way (my husband is her biological son, but he has two step-brothers; he and I don’t view them that way) and it makes M. sick to my stomach. There is no excuse for this type of behavior.

The important thing is your BF saw it and said something. That is huge. You have three choices: (1) don’t attend events where there is a gifting opportunity, (2) the next time you think there will be gifts you can ask her, in a passive-aggressive way ahead of time, if she will be giving gifts. If she says yes, say you will bring something for your daughter so she doesn’t feel left out, or (3) have your BF say something to her again.

I know you love your BF, and this is purely my opinion, but your daughter’s feels need to come first. So if this behavior is going to continue, you need to think about whether having Easter Dinner with them again is worth it. Your BF can go and you can have dinner together when he gets home. This woman is set in her ways, so don’t expect her to change.

Poor thing! At least your BF stepped up to give her something even if it wasn't equal. I hope you thanked him for that.

Next time there is something like this happening ( holiday where gifts will be given or any event like that) I would talk to your BF and very nicely ask him to call his mom and ask her if she got the kids anything. If her answer is yes then ask if she got anything for Emmy. If her answer is no then run out and get something for her. If her answer is yes then ask if its of equal quality as the others.

It sucks when you have to be blunt about things to other adults. Hopefully she will get the hint!

Hugs to you and your daughter... and to your bf for stepping up when she dropped the ball!

I'm sorry her feelings were hurt. I can understand why they treat her different since you aren't married yet. Once you are married she should not treat her differently, but she probably will. So you should prepare to sidestep certain moments from here forward.

As for the baskets, that's J. rude. I can understand that she wanted to get baskets, but what you do for one kid you do for all that will be present. It irks M. to the bone when grandparents lavish blood-kids with gifts and ignore steps. It irks M. when there is more than one grandkid - blood or step - and the grandparents play favorites. Spend tons of money on one, sometimes for no reason, and not so much on the others. Even if that one has a sibling. Again, if you get $100 of gifts for one, you should get for all, or i don't know, J. get them all $20 worth of stuff.

Ex. We were at a party for my niece. MIL got small gifts for my 2 kids and nephew so that their feelings wouldn't be hurt. This was in addition to the goody bags that my SIL had bought. So we get to the party, I go in first and see that there are already 4 other friends there. I go back out and ask MIL to keep the presents for my kids and nephew in the car until after the party, the other kids will have their feelings hurt. 'That's not my problem, I brought these for my grandkids'... okay, but i'm asking you to J. wait so that the party isn't ruined by hurt feelings. She begrudgingly obliged.

One thing that I do is that at certain 'gift-giving' times like Valentine's, Easter, Christmas, dinner on Tues. :) I will call and ask my MIL if she got something special for kid(s) x. If she says yes, then I go out and buy something special for my kids and sneak it into the house. That way, if there isn't anything there for them I can have something magically appear. If there is something for them, I can leave it hidden til next time. Should I need to do this? No, but it has helped ease feelings on several occassions.

I think for some people there is a really clear distinction between grandkids and step-grandkids and they will probably never treat her exactly the same. However, having easter baskets on display but only for the blood-grandkids is wrong. They shouldn't do that. I think your boyfriend should have a talk with them and tell them "look, this is my girlfriend and her kid, I'm planning to spend the rest my life with them so please don't display toys and stuff for the other grandkids and exclude Emmy".

I can usually understand relatives making a distinction between grandkids and kids belonging to a child's girl or boyfriend, but to do something so blatant in front of the child is J. mean. If grandma is so ditzy ghat she honestly didn't think about it, then your boyfriend needs to remind her before every family occasion where there may be treats or gifts given to the kids that your daughter should get one of whatever it is too. She's a little girl and they don't understand, so it's really cruel.

I would opt out of the events if it was my daughter's weekend with M. vs her father, if it is questioned then explain the events are a time for you and your family to be together and we do not want to interfere. If she pushes you further than explain that your daughter's feelings are more important - and share what seems appropriate for the conversation being had at the time. I personally would stop setting my daughter up for dissapointment.

It sounds like you have a wonderful boyfriend, he did the right thing by sticking up for your daughter. I think you should leave it at that. You don't say how long you've been dating, but it sounds new. So, hopefully, in time your BF's mom will come around.

While I totally agree with you that its wrong your BF's mom would leave your daughter out, in life your daughter will experience many disappointments. I think you should have a talk with your daughter about how sometimes she will feel left out, but she should be thankful for the ones that do care about her. Especially point out that your BF helped find some goodies for her to take home, even if it wasn't everything the others got. Tell her that life is not always fair and equal but how proud you are of her on how she handled it. Then redirect to something else....hey lets go get a treat or lets go check out what the easter bunny brought you! :)

im with you on this on, i was raised the SAME way and if my daughter gets put in that situation, (child and divorced or noth with the father for whatever) or has a boyfriend with a child i will welcome them with OPEN arms, i would/could NEVER exclude a child like that, in my book you either do for ALL kids attending or NONE

Troy's family always got Andy and Genna something but it was never equal until we were married. I always told them never to expect anything because we are not family and it was nice that all of us are invited. So I guess my prevention was to tell them to expect nothing. After all they already got stuff from both my parents and their dad's parents. So even if they get nothing from Troy's parents they still got the same as the kids there, ya know?

Not sure if I made sense there. So say Troy's parents buy their grand kids stuff and the grand kids other grandparents bought them stuff, they have two things of stuff. Then Andy and Genna get stuff from my dad and from their dad's parents, they have two things of stuff as well. Expecting stuff from Troy's family means they expect more than the kids they would be jealous of, ya know?

Perhaps it is because my ex's family won't even allow steps to come to gatherings unless they are married that what we got seemed J. fine to them.

Oh my!!! no child should be treated this way......we would never intentionally make a child excluded even if they were a mere acquaintance......this was J. a horribly mean thing to do. I feel so bad for your little girl but it sounds like you have done such a good job raising her as she was more graceful than future not-so-loving grandma. And good for your BF for standing up for her....I like the idea suggested in one of the other responses that you have some back up gifts in your trunk when visiting your BF's family on such occassions......

It was clearly wrong of his mother to do this, and hopefully she will not do it again. The next time you are invited over make it a point to ask if there will be anything special for the kids as you want to make sure that Emmy is included and so you can bring things if needed. Maybe she will get the hint and this way you will be prepared if she is really that hurtful to do it again.

I am very sorry that your sweet little girl was treated this way. That is wrong. If you are getting baskets for the grandkids and you know Emmy is coming, then damnit you get one for her too.

While this situation isn't fair, you need to step up and let Emmy know not to expect much from his family. I wouldn't want to set her up. She does have grandparents so she is not lacking there. But to blatantly show baskets like that is J. unexcusable.

Is there a chance that they didn't know Emmy was coming? Did they think she would be with her Dad that day?

I'm so impressed that your bf stepped up. That is a good sign!

You're stronger than M. because if that would have happened to my daughter, I would have turned right back around and left the house! We dont have step kids in our family, so I don't know how some people treat them different, but I would be pissed! Mostly because my daughter would have been hurt! That's not cool!

Good for you for staying and being strong! I would have cracked!

I would make sure before excepting future invitations that would have ANY type of gifts like Easter Baskets if the grandparents had also bought for her. The same thing as the others. If not then a "no thanks" would be in order.

That is J. cruel. Kids have feelings too.

The way to fix this will have to come from your boyfriend. I don't know how long this relationship has been going on. But when my husband and I got married his grandmother skipped my daughter for christmas / easter etc. When my son came along she wanted to buy savings bonds for our son (our first child together) but not the daughter I had when we got married. I said no. if she was not going to do it for all of our kids then none at all. I would send them back. They had to treat my daughter the same as the boys or we would not be over with any of them. They fell into line. I was not having my kids feeling like one was better than the others. it is hurtful to them and shame on the inlaws for doing that and shame on your boyfriend for not putting a stop to it.

I would tell your BF if they invite you over again to have him tell her that you will only come if she's going to give gifts of anykind it is equal. I am very glad that he noticed and did what he could to try and fix it. My MIL did not realize she was giving my youngest more attention than my oldest when they visited after youngest was born. Fortunatly she didn't give much attention to the other grandkids either but my son was used to a grandma that gave him attention. My husband told her when we were going to see them again that M. and the boys would not come if she didn't show the oldest the same attention. She felt so bad she did not realize what she had done. So that was good and they made a point to not do that again. Hopfully his mom is J. ablivious and no one has ever called her on it so maybe she thinks it ok. I really do hope things get better for you!!!

Good luck and God Bless!

My mother kinda did opposites. She would spoil the step kids more than the real grands, J. in order for them to feel more at home. When my mom was alive, I had only one child at the time. She was only 9ms old when my mom passed. My brother had married a woman with 2 children from a previous relationship. He has a daughter with his first wife as well. My brother met his 2nd wife, when she was 4 months pregnant with her son, from another man. My brother agreed and adopted her son and daughter as his immediately after marriage, which was a hurried affair since she was pregnant. My mother would go as far as hugging T and R, before my brother's blood child. It was a little blatant. She was also more lenient with them. She rained fire and brimestone on the grandkids for wrong doings, but the steps were always told nicely "no no don't do that sweetie" I think my mother J. wanted to be loved by all. She once even on christmas, bought each of the steps extra presents, from "grandpa" as well as her, and all the other kids got one less from "grandpa and grandma". I got a little miffed about it, but didnt say anything, till she gave all the steps hugs and kisses good bye. Then J. waved at my daughter. I asked why and she said "Cause your daughter doesnt like M. that much" huh? She was only about 9 months old. My daughter was fussy with my mom only cause she rarely saw her. So I can understand about feeling angry. Its hard to avoid it, since you cant control your future or possible MIL. I would be hurt and angry. No one wants there children to have hurt feelings, especially from those that are suppose to love them as much as you would. Its very difficult for certain people to get comfortable with children that are not biologically connected, cause you are NOT married yet, whats to say you dont leave him. Its probably happened before, and she got burned, putting her love and heart out there and her child's significant other left. She might not want to go all out for the steps yet, because she is not really sure your going to stick around. I feel you need to reassure her that your going to stick around. Not that its needed, but have you made her feel important to you and your child, other than showing up and being pleasant? Sometimes if you take the time to get to know your MIL it might change her view of you. I have lots of problems with my sister, she treats all step kids differently in her family, and not like my mom. She also treats my 3 children differently, and how will depend on who is the most friendly that day. I sometimes try to remind her early about not doing that, but generally I J. let it go cause she is not interested in changing her behavior. Give your MIL another chance, it might be this once, it slipped her mind on the busyness of getting ready for Easter.

I also feel badly about how your daughter was treated. Since this has happened to her it will and can be a learning lesson. Unfortunately in this world we live in people treat people differently. It is valuable to teach you daughter how to continue to live her life in the light of these things. Yes it is disappointing. It is time for your boyfriend to step up. Also your daughter will need to learn to try to be happy even if other people are getting and she isn't.

I was much older than her when I had to learn and master this lesson of life. Even in the workplace there are those that do very little and get all of the raises and promotions and others that work their fingers raw and get the whip.

We can not and should not tie our value or worth to how someone else does or doesn't treat us. We need to learn to make our own lemonade out of lemons.

You can choose to continue to bring your daughter over if you want and help her through what they may continue to do to her by giving her something special or J. helping her to cope which will be valuable for a lifetime. Even not going everytime may also be helpful. Actually this is a battle your boyfriend should be fighting for you and Emmy. You continue to be a source of comfort and strength and she will be absolutely magnificent but how will those other children in the family handle being treated differently. We all have been there and done that if we live in this world. It is how we handle it that makes us successful or failures.

My mom and dad started dating when I was 2, got married when I was 7 and my dad adopted M. when I was 9. I was NEVER made to feel like I was an outsider when I was little. I was always J. one of the cousins/grandkids. And divorce wasn't as prevalent back then so I was the ONLY step kid. I can't imagine how I would have felt if this had been done to M.. How awful.

I would make sure your boyfriend talks to his mother before every holiday/event and reminds her how to act. She sounds absolutely awful. I can't imagine doing something like that to a child. Good luck with this woman in the future.

There areppl like this. My step family being one. Even as an adult ( I should be over it) but I'm hurt. I have a friend who is remarried and has 2 children from the first marriage and 1 from the second her MIL excludes her first 2 kids all the time. I think this woman's actions were intentional based on my own experience. One of the most hurtful things ab this for M. is my mom kept putting M. on these situations and never stood up for M. bc she didn't want conflict w her SO's family. Sometimes she would try to compensate but bottom line is they see your child as different no matter how your bf sees her and it's not fair to continually put your child through this. Perhaps you can avoid big event trips to their house.

I take the example from my deceased mama. She made her step grandkids feel equal--although they know/knew they were not. I mean by that they were not dropped off at her house for impromptu babysitting as we dropped ours off, they were not spanked, they were rarely chastised, their relationship was more formal, but gifts were given at holiday gatherings (though not at birthdays unless their parents hosted the birthday party)...