Biological Father Issues

well darlin you have yourself a very interesting problem. i used to have a similar situation, but now we all get along which makes it easier on all of us. do you get along with your ex? that may be a big deal, if you fight with him constantly or make him feel less of a man in any way that may be a reason he keeps his distance. your son wants his father in his life, all you can do is try and get along with your ex and try to become friends, no matter what has happened in the past this is not for you at all, this is for your son and what he wants. keep communications open between all of you, let your son call him when possible, invite his bio father over for cookouts etc........it may be because he doesn't feel like a father to your son, if you give him a chance things may change. but the way you sound is that you see your ex as a type of looser and your new husband as a hero. which he is a very good guy for taking your children as his own, that is rare to find now days, but you should let your son find out for himself what his bio dad is really like, and let him make a judgement all on his own about this man he so badly wnats in his life. he is yet so very young, when your ex calls let your son talk to him and then he will have to tell him himself why he can't see his son or when he will come see him.......... let your ex handle things as he can, things will work out. i know its hard.......... my husband was furious after raising my girls all on his own and all of a sudden this guy walks in and wants to be in their lives, but we were able to muddle through it and we are quite good friends now and my daughters are happier than ever! you just have to bite your tounge and do what you think is best! talk it over with your new hubby and try and explain your feelings and your sons feelings to the bio father, communication is the key.

Hi C., I can't imagine how hard this is for all of you. But what I have learned, the hard way, is "DO NO HARM". Being a part of child's life is a huge privilege and responsibility.

Having bio-dad be involved is a nice idea, and wonderful if it works out. But when that involvment is ultimately harmful or detremental, well, nothing is worth that. Not even for maintaining the hope that Dad will get it together. Your son is 8. Bio-dad doesn't have it together. So, in my my book, bio-dad is history until your son is 18.

A dad is someone who gets the job done. Like your husband. Not your ex. Quit trying to put your son in situations that seem like a good idea, like visiting sisters, when they just keep not working out. Its obviously heartbreaking to him. But as wonderful as your intentions are, you are allowing it to happen. I don't say that to be harsh. But you are the one with the power. You are the one who has to look back in 20 years and be at peace with the decisions you made.

And statistically, it is these unresolved childhood traumas that can cause all kinds of more serious problems later. Like bi-polar, manic-depression, personality disorder, etc. And while the trauma happens in early childhood, the problem or result doesn't begin to show up until adloscence or early adulthood.

My sister is adopted, my cousin by birth. When she was two, her mother/my aunt died. When she was 3 her father and 4 teenage brothers brought her to live with us. My parents thought they were doing the right thing by trying to keep the lines of communication open, letting her go visits with her brothers.

But in the end, all it did was continually stir the pot, open old wounds. Why wasn't she good enough to keep like her brothers? Why was she abandoned? My parents fought about it. It was awful. All of the unresolved "stuff" has no where to go.

She too had attachment disorder when she was little, nightmares, conflicts. At 16 she developed bulimia. She is the textbook definition of Personality Disorder. She is 41, married, two kids and doing okay now. But only after years of hard work and heartbreak. And she still struggles with it.

No more phone calls, no more visits, no more attempts at those things. Keep redirecting him to the things in his life at this moment that are great. His new toy, the new movie, help me make cookies, lets go for a bike ride, play with Dad (his real dad - your husband - the one who is there everyday). Don't tell him what's wrong with bio-ad, tell him what's great about the family he's in.

And if you can afford it, counseling. Your son needs some tools to use to self-redirect his sadness, anger, disappointment; instead of acting out. He needs to know that he's okay. That is he is worth all of the love that there is to give.

I wish you all the best of luck!

C., that is a hard decision. I became is single mom of 3 kids, when my youngest was 4, he is now 22. Their father was never around either. Of course the kids pay the ultimate price, but believe it or not,there will come a time that his father will regret his decision not to be a part of his childs life.As far as your son, maybe getting him involved in some group of boys his age. Being 8 is hard, cause they see things and yet they don't understand why. I never was able to afford counseling but I think its great.

I agree completely with Gabrielle C. I have a 2 yr old who has a father that isn't reliable either. I know he loves his son and our son loves him. I too am remarried and my husband does so much more for my son than his father ever could. If you keep trying to force the visitations and they don't old up their end of the bargain, it will be harmful for your son. Let his father and his sisters take the initiative to see him, if they want. Explain to your son what you are doing. This will allow him to know that it's not his fault. It's his father who is not able to be there for him because he can't or doesn't know how, whatever the reason is. I don't say bad things about my ex, but I do let my son know that he is not safe to see his father and he does understand that and he is ok with it. When he starts asking, I remind him about being safe and that it isn't w/ his father and he says ok. It makes the blow less. He doesn't have mood swings, actually he is a very even tempered child. He is happy and playful. He enjoys the time he has w/ his family that is there for him. I am sure he is sad, but he knows what's going on in a way he can understand and I think that is beneficial.

I wish you the very best and hope you able to find out what works. You are the one w/ the power, quit giving it to your ex because it is destroying your son.