my situation is very difficult. my 4yr old's biological father has never been in the picture. he has never seen his son, never sent him anything, and has never paid me a cent. i sent him paperwork to sign over his parental rights so my husband, who has been my son's dad since he was one, could adopt him. at first he said he would happily sign over his rights, but then when i asked him six months later where the paperwork was, he said he changed his mind and that it wasn't fair of me to ask him to "give up" his child.
does anybody have any advice on this subject?
He can't have it both ways. Tell him that if he has decided to be an involved father, you expect him to start paying child support (including retroactive for the past 4 years) and having regular visits.
As a single mom with an ex who is...well, a jerk, I've been thinking a lot about this. While I wouldn't be sad if my son's father jumped off a cliff I still do believe that my son has the right to have his father in his life whether he is a good or bad father. I know that my son would always wonder about his dad if he were not in the picture, so I will let him form his own relationship and opinion of his father. I never speak badly about him to my son either.
That being said. I think you should tell your son's father that you think it is great that he would like to be a father (whether or not you feel that way) and that if he does want to see his son he can. Then tell him that he needs to take the responsibility of being a father as well and that you will be filing for child support through the state and have it deducted from his paycheck. There is no reason why you shouldn't. If he doesn't want to give up his rights then he needs to take responsibility. If he never sees your son, your lives won't change. If he decides to see your son then at least your son will have the chance to form his own opinion of his father. If he ends up with a good relationship with him then that is great, if he decides his father is a jerk then he will never grow up wondering if he had a perfect dad out there somewhere.
Most likely the thought of having to pay child support will change his mind. If not, then seriously go and file for child support through Dept of Social Services. It doesn't cost you any money and you will get money for your son. If you don't need the income then put it in your son's college fund.
This may at first sound counterproducrive, but have you considered going after him for child support since he does not want to "give up" his child? Perhaps a look at the responsibility portion, which he has avoided for all of his biological son's life, would help him decide which way he really wants to go. If he chooses to pay the support, your son could benefit in many ways. You could use the money to start a college or trust fund. Perhaps he could even have some kind of a relationship with his biological father at some point, although that might be very painful for you to consider. I have an adopted son and allow his birth father supervised visits. My brother adopted his wife's son and had issues getting the birth father to sign the papers as well. I cannot remember how they finally resolved it. If I find out anything that can possible help you, I will try to get it to you. Remember, he is your husband's son, but has more extended family than most. His biological father is a part of who he is, even if he does not have a relationship with him. I wish you all the best and will keep it in my prayers.
S. S.,
This is a tough issue. I recommend y'all get a good lawyer, or at a minimum get in touch with the child support enforcement folks. I know it is possible to have his wages garnished for failure to pay child support,but that might only enrage him and make him want to force his way into the picture. You have a tough one ahead of you and I will keep y'all in my prayers.
S. B.
Have you applied to get child support from him from the department of social services. If he knows he might have to pay child support he might give up his parental rights at that point. It is just a suggestion. I know it does not sound very nice.
K.
S., at this point you need to consult an attorney concerning your rights and the biological father's rights. Each state's laws about child support and termination of parental rights is different, sometimes very different. Only an attorney can advise you of the best way to proceed. I would definitaly request child support, as long as you are due it under your state's laws. It is usually the right of the biological father to keep his rights, but it is also his responsibility to support his child. I agree with the others who suggested this action.
When talking about giving up parental rights, it is hard to realize that most states consider that a very serious matter. And it is not something for the parent to do lightly. I have seen others in this situation, and I understand how it must feel, but yet this is not a small thing you are asking him to do.
As for your husband adopting your son, your son will look to him as his father no matter what the law and the paperwork says. The adoption is only a formality, what matters is the love between them both. My ex and I adopted our son, yet my son really doesn't consider my ex as his father, because there was not good relationship between him and my ex. Paperwork only matters to the law, not to the child.
Consult an attorney to see how the courts in your area view your situation. An attorney who is experienced in how the judges usually rule can give you the best counsel.
Hello,
I read your story and got so mad. First since you know where he is and how to contact him you need to go to court. Have him served with custody and child support papers. Hit him in the pockets. Since you stay at home you won't get anything for child care but they will consider the fact that he is starting preschool and that will probably cost you at least a small amount of money. They will also look at the health insurance for the child and how much that costs you a month. Have receipts when you go in to file and be prepared to show if he or his family has provided anything for the child. Once he sees how much child support is required of him, I'm sure he'll be willing to revisit the parental rights issue. Good Luck,
Well I know this may sound alittle mean but if he is reufusing to do what you want hire a lawyer (I know a really good one who is not the expensive) and sue him for all the child support he owes you for the last four years. I bet if you go this route he will do whatever he needs to so he doesn't have to pay! I went through some things simlar to this with my step-son and as soon as we got the courts involed she was singing a different tune! Anyway I hope this helps and let me know how it turns out!
A close friend just recently went through the same thing. She took him to court and charged him with abandonment. The judge ordered him to pay child support for all the missed years, and terminated his rights. Love your son. Don't let the family stress over this. Everything the others said is sound advise. You have some wise friends. Nothing else I could add that would be wiser.
My advice to you would be to tell him that if he won't sign over his rights, you are going to go to court and get some sort of child support for the child. The child has been here for 4 years and I am guessing that he has known about him. I would also let him know that in some states (I know definitly in Maryland) the father will also have to put the child on his medical insurance, pay for daycare and anything having to do with school.
That may change his mind about signing over his parental rights!
