We don't get to choose who our parents are, or who are stepparents will be. It sounds as though your stepkids haven't had the easiest of roads to travel, but you and your husband sound like you're trying to make it a little bit smoother for them. First, be consistent in all your rules and routines. Kids, regardless of age, love boundaries and routine. Things they know they can count on, regardless of the weather or their behavior. Consequences that are consistent for good and bad behaviors. They need an impartial dumping ground. That may not be you or your husband. They need a therapist or guardian ad leim to talk with, to tell their troubles to, so they can vent and figure things out for themselves without you or your husband going from 0 to 60 in 5 sec flat in a rush to judge or fix whatever is going on. This person that they get to dump all their troubles and woes on should be able to determine what really needs immediate intervention. Teenage years have their own unique package of angst. This is normal for all kids, makes no difference if they have a home with both of their biological parents or not, they are undergoing extreme makeovers of their minds, bodies and souls thanks to things called hormones and not just the sexy ones!! Life is confusing when you're 14, 15 yrs old. Regardless of their Mom's sexual orientation and their religious upbringing, the love they had and will continue to have for their Mom should be encouraged. Mom isn't immoral because of her orientation. It's who she is, she was created that way, so don't judge her because of it. Her kids don't know how to assimilate this new knowledge as it runs counter to what they had been taught in church and at home. God doesn't make junk and he doesn't make mistakes, their Mom isn't junk and wasn't a mistake, this is the way she was made. It doesn't change the fact that she loves her kids. Sounds like she's had her fair share of trials and tribulations in her life, but I'm willing to bet becoming a Mom was a high point for her. Because she's not happy with her life right now, she's not comfortable with anyone else's happiness. I once had a tee shirt that said "If Momma ain't happy, no one is happy", it was a joke, but it's truer than not.
Set some guidelines for mutual respect in your house and live by them. If the rules are broken the consequences will be enforced. If that means you go to your room void of all computers, phones, Ipods, etc. to think about what it means to be a part of a family, then so be it. If you get a privledge revoked, you're grounded until you realize what it is you did, why you did it and apologize for your behavior, that's the way it has to be. But you should model the behaviors you want the kids to replicate. Be respectful at all times in your thoughts, words and deeds, to every member of your house. The NUMBER ONE RULE for divorced parents is to NEVER talk bad or criticize the other parent. Be supportive of their rules and their consequences. You really don't know what the kids are telling their Mom about you and your husband. She may get the same earfuls at her house about you guys that you are hearing about her. Kids are great about playng both ends against the middle. You've moved your focus off of them and their behaviors to their Mom's attitudes, behaviors and relationships. Sneaky the way these kids are, they are almost too smart for their own good. They aren't bad kids, they're just trying to make the best of a situation they had no control over in the first place. You will have a happy home. The kids will come to love and respect you as you love and respect them just as you do your own biological kids, make no differences in the affection and treatments you bestow on them and your own. Kids are very intuitive. And as a stepmom, you picked their Dad you didn't get to pick them nor they you, so it's going to take time to develop those relationships, that trust, that affection. Give it time, as long as it takes. But mutual respect is something that is a must, regardless of how long you've been in each other's lives.
